Difference between revisions of "Weed"
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Latest revision as of 07:47, 2 August 2020
Weed (AKA: Marijuana, Cannabis, Pot, Kush, 420, Hash, Mary Jane and Skunk) was invented simultaneously by every religion's God at least 100 years ago in 1969 on the planet Mexico and legalized Last Thursday. Some people say that God made it. Others will disagree and say that Satan did, but everybody knows that actually it was invented in Colombia because every single Colombian is an expert on the manufacture of every illegal drug. Statistics say that 85% of people die the first time using it, but 100% of survivors report having an all-round more kickass life. Roses are red, violets are blue, pot is green, I'm really hungry. Several studies show that marijuana can affect the short term memory. Several studies show that marijuana can affect the short term memory.
Prior to the 1960s, Cannabis was mainly used by spicks and porch monkeys. This all changed when Jerry Garcia invented the dirty hippy by forgetting to shower for a few years, thus increasing cannabis consumption dramatically across the US. However, it was still difficult to acquire at that time because The Beatles and The Dead were using most of it to help them write songs about walruses and glass onions. Thankfully, The Beatles broke up in 1970, allowing the rest of the world to enjoy it as well. Soon, it was common enough that even white people could find it.
Today, it is used by a wide variety of people, except rednecks (who prefer cheap beer, meth and dick sucking), Heath Ledger (who is dead), and old people (who are already way stoned on prescription meds). Because of the simultaneous existence of Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, and Bill Clinton, many feared a shortage would arise, but thankfully Mexico stepped up to the plate last Thursday and increased production of 13 year old boys, who are known to grow weed in their closets (so their parents don't find out).
What is it like to be cannabis?
Cannabis is the unluckiest plant on the planet since most of it ends up in Seth Rogen's disgusting mouth. Even more unlucky than watermelon. As the chicken of the plant world, cannabis is a horrible victim of industrial genocide on a massive scale. Forced into factory farms and overcrowded conditions under artificial lamps, most cannabis lives an abysmal life where its only escape is death. If a lifeform is unfortunate enough to be born cannabis, there is an at least 100% chance it will end up in the mouths of either diabetic niggers, thieving spics, white people in dreadlocks or cornrows, or filthy neo-hippies who don't even revolt anymore. This unspeakable genocide is even more tragic since the enormous murder of cannabis is mainly so people will buy artisinal hackysacks and delusionally think that bad music or bad art or bad shows or junk food are actually good. Like everything else that comes from India, cannabis is subjected to overcrowding, grubby hands, pop spirituality, white people who think they know how to do it better, and harmful industrial chemicals.
Humans justify the widespread captivity and abuse of this undeserving plant because they have legs, even though you're not even using your legs while you read this. Humans think they're better than cannabis, even though they don't even have chlorophyll, and consequently have to either work for a living, leech off the government, live in their parents' basement, learn the hobo code, or sell weed.
Cannabis is heavily promoted by global capitalism, since it spurs consumption and mindless media watching, makes lettuce-pickers and janitors and maids and fast food workers not give a shit, turns people into braindead morons who will waste money on the dumbest shit imaginable, helps trained killers cope with their war crimes, and pacifies the masses into not revolting -- except for the rare instances when a user uses it and shoots a Congresswoman, or shoots his wife, or jumps from a hotel balcony, or shoots themself in the head, or cases a bunch of houses and attacks someone and gets shot, or tries to steal a cop's gun and gets shot. As you can see, cannabis is perfectly safe and never killed anyone, ever. When alcohol kills people, it's alcohol's fault, but when weed kills people it's because the people were already crazy. Cannabis even cures cancer, like in Bob Marley who defeated cancer by dying of it at 36.
Obvious slang names for weed
Cannabis is referred to using many slang terms, including:
- David Allan Coe
- That Ish
- Pokin' Smot
- Scooby Snacks
- Sticky Icky
- Jolly Green Banana
- Short Bus Bio-fuel
- Jungle Fungus
- Polynesian Pink Eye
- Incredible Hulk
- Hobo Harvest
- Mojave Dry Mouth
- Arabian Crime (because it gets you stoned)
Like anything that has ever existed evar, marijuana has an upside and a downside. Cannabis causes cottonmouth, which, as the name suggests, makes you feel like you just ate a piece of fucking cotton. Other effects of cottonmouth are the absence of any saliva in your mouth except for that tiny bit of semen you forgot to swallow. Cottonmouth can be avoided by not smoking weed, or drinking a shit-ton of water afterward.
Possibly the worst side effect of smoking weed, it is known for making white middle class teenagers appreciate reggae music, which is utter shit. They'll come up to you and start talking about how much they appreciate Bob Marley, and show you their Bob Marley shirt, Bob Marley flag and Bob Marley cock ring, because capitalism are bastards.
Aaaaaaannnd this would be one of the upsides of cannabis. You take a bite of one chip and the next thing you know your entire pantry is FUCKING EMPTY. Best way to get excessively fat and disgusting if you're retarded, like most stoners. Again the best way to avoid the munchies is to NOT SMOKE WEED.
Note: It is rare for apes to become fat from the munchies, even though they all smoke weed. This is because of the incidental exercise from running from teh police, which prevents them from becoming a fat fuck.
Some people claim to be allergic to it, so, in theory, they could die from it. Even though it's generally accepted that no one ever has in the 2,000+ years of cannabis use by humans. They could die. Seriously. Or suffer extreme brain damage.
Marijuana has been proven to fight brain cancer and increase the smoker's I.Q. by stimulating new brain cell growth, but as a side effect also causes schizophrenia and sometimes obesity. It's up to your mom to decide whether that's a fair trade-off. Some people claim to take cannabis but "don't inhale". There is a 99.9% chance that anyone who says this is full of shit.
—Anonymous suggests you, Smoke Yourself to Sleep
Stoner threads on /b/
Lately there has been a new shitstorm of threads ruining our beloved /b/ - the stoner threads. There are a fuckload of them popping up everywhere and they are quite popular, even though many think they are retarded. The threads themselves consist mainly of comics, Girls Gettin' High and image macros (stonerdog) of situations associated to the consumption of marijuana or other drugs. Many of said images are completely fucked up and futile and could clearly only have been made by someone who has melted his brain with weed.
IRL oldfags have fucked off and died. Now us Millennial twats are starting to be in charge! We have lead the fight to legalize cannabis! Now only a select few shitty redneck states don't have legal medical weed. Recently, many places in the world have fully legalized this shit for recreational purposes:
- Netherlands - legalized this shit ages ago
- Colorado - Legalized it in 2012, starting a chain reaction
- Commiefornia - about time bitch
- Connecticut - Imagine if Adam Lanza was high
- Weed dispensery owner gets cock cut off -Karma's a bitch,aint it? You destroy the country with your jewish brain poison,you get your balls cut off.
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