⚠️ Encyclopedia Dramatica is currently being restored by automated scripts ⚠️
There's been a lot of questions as to what's going on with the site and what comes next. So we have this (ordered) roadmap of what's being worked on and what's to come. This will be updated until the roadmap is complete as Æ has a lot of missing features and ideas that I'd like to fix in regards to its offerings before I implement big plans for the site's popularity and well-being in 2021.
Æ Roadmap
Content restoration (Mostly done, few things missing that will be restored sporadically)Image restoration (Being run in background, nothing I can do cept wait)
Æ Imageboard (Currently being worked on)
Mediawiki upgrade and backend fixes
.onion domain for Tor-friendly editing and viewing
CSS overhaul (Fixing things like the videos on mobile, and overall a rehaul of the wiki's look to be more friendly to readers)
Paid bounty board for new articles (Won't be managed by me for legal reasons however I will ensure it runs smoothly)
Anonymous phone # service for those seeking ban evades from Twitter as well as a phone number not tied to their name (more details at launch)
Currently we are nearing our annual LLC renewal fee ($650) as well throwing the funds required for these other changes and aspects. If you would like to support Æ consider purchasing a copy of The Hustler's Bible or securing some Merch. Donating is also appreciated however I would rather give something back as per the two options above.
If you have any questions you can join our public Telegram chat to DM me privately or @ me in chat.
You can also email me via [email protected]
Merch notes: Thank you to all who have purchased merch. We will ship late January or mid February depending on our provider's speed.
Here's to setting the world on fire in 2021!
- aediot
Wilkins Coffee
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Wilkins Coffee was the most popular brand of coffee from the beginning of time up until about the 1980s, and for a damn good reason. If you were caught drinking any other brand of coffee, Jim Henson's proto-Kermit would shoot you in the fucking face.
He literally killed the competition by offing any non-drinker of Wilkins in a myriad of sinister ways, and even televised them in the form of black and white coffee commercials as a way to advertise his unveiled threats. Each commercial came equipped with a corny yet deadly pun.
Wilkins eventually went out of business due to the countless lawsuits it received from the families of the victims who lost their lives to the blood-thirsty, coffee-crazed Kermit. Kermit was ultimately acquitted of all murder charges and went on to become the star of both Sesame Street and The Muppet Show, and the family members of the deceased had to live with
seeing the murderer taunt them on national television for the rest of their mortal lives.
Contents
Substance of Sustenance
The discovery of the planets. Algebra. Hookers and blow. The Third Reich.
These are the pinnacles of achievement by man on this earth, but they are like children shitting their pants in the developmental sandbox, when compared to the greatest of achievements by humans to date.
Of course we are referring to the most addictive substance known to man, the Philosophers Stone and Elixir of Life spoken of by alchemists, the all-sustaining Manna of Moses given to him by God... all synonyms for Wilkins Coffee.
The Dark Recipe
The beloved coffee company was forced to liquidate its assets due to anti-trust lawsuits, a handful of first degree murder convictions, and the fact that Kermit basically slaughtered all of Wilkins' competition. Accordingly, it is now impossible to purchase this elixir from your local supermarket. But fear not! Listed below are the ingredients and instructions you need to create a makeshift Wilkins for your every waking moment.
- Obtain the finest Kopi Luwak coffee beans hand-delivered from Indonesia.
- Mix the beans with the bones of the exhumed body of Jim Henson, ground carefully with a Baratza Vario grinder.
- Once the grains and bones have become a fine powder, stir in the blood of a random Starbucks patron.
- Remember to strain the blood multiple times to remove any trace of Starbucks.
- For optimal Wilkins, brew with Kona Nigari Water.
- And finally, LSD. How else would Jim Henson come up with shit like this?
Woe unto thee who resurrect this devil's recipe and the blood-lust it inevitably shall bring.
"I Don't Drink Wilkins"
The following events are guaranteed to happen to anyone who dares not to drink Wilkins brand coffee:
- Beaten with a club
- Beaten with a broken bottle
- Beaten with a can of Wilkins
- Boiled in a cup of Wilkins
- Fall out of a tree
- Fall out of a building
- Have a tree fall on you
- Have a building fall on you
- Burned with a Wilkins branding iron
- Ran over by a wagon
- Teleported to another dimension
- Blown the fuck up
- Your wife leaves you
- Put under the guillotine
- Get thrown in prison
- Get thrown off a ship
- Get thrown off of a hot air balloon
- Get thrown off an airplane
- "Faulty" parachute
- Beaten with a hammer
- Stabbed with an épée
- House burns down
- Have an airstrike called on you
- Get the electric chair
- Get cut in half with a circular saw
- Stomped to death
- Fed to sharks
- Throwing knives
- Horse stampede
- Drown to death
- Stabbed to death
- Arrow to the face
- Gravity fails and float off the planet
- Razor to the neck
- Fall down a manhole
- Ran over by steamroller
- Have a mountain climbing accident
- Car accident
- Rocket accident
- Raped by a Silverback Ape
Fatalities caused by Kermit - At least 76 are known, although there are probably more due to Kermit's untamed lust for murder.
Commercials
Previous Video | Next Video
Gallery
- Robocop says drink wilkins.jpg
I'd buy that for a dollar.
- Wilkins Brand X.JPG
An alternative is Brand X.
- Wilkins Official.jpg
- Wilkins on Tumblr.png
Wilkins Coffee at the Ripley's Museum.
- Wilkins Reich.jpg
- Fixarticssig.jpg
- Wilkins Wikihow.png
- Wilkins Motivation.jpg
- Wilkins Tupac.jpg
- Wilkins Spam 2.jpg
- Wilkins Spam 4.jpg
- Wilkins Battlestation.png
- Wilkins Relax.jpg
- Wilkins Anti Rap Squad.jpg
- Wheres Wilkins.png
- Wilkins Bonk.png
- PiggyHatesWilkins.jpg
Miss Piggy hated Wilkins Coffee, now she's bacon.
Theme Song
Do you folks like coffee?
Real coffee
From the frog
From the Muppets?
Wilkins instant will wake you
From a thousand deaths
A cup blackened blood (dying, dying)
You'll die without a cup
Kermit recommends
He'll stab your fucking ass
Put you in a cannon (dying, dying)
You'll die without a cup
Prepare for ultimate flavor
Or you'll get fucked up
And scream, for the cream
GO
Wilkins instant
Wilkins instant
Wilkins instant
Coffee
Fanfics
The Legend of Wilkins and Wontkins" by Winslow Leach Wilkins Coffee/Fanfic01
See Also
External Links
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Wilkins Coffee is part of a series on Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage. |
