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This article is about The State of Washington. For other meanings, please see this page.

A map and a tour guide of Washington, all in one.
An in depth map in case you want to use it for a D&D campaign.

A state in the northwestern U.S. that nobody cares about. Washington is vapid and devoid of meaning. Most citizens hate themselves because they fail at being as important as Washington D.C. while some relish at being forgotten at the State's many lush forests. It's slightly less of a shithole than Oregon, though still not quite as interesting as Wyoming. However, they do boast the Space Needle, the largest abstract impression of a hypodermic needle magic mushroom in the United States.

It is famous for having good coffee and lots of rich, generous people of various races, as well as housing the largest minority of Atheists. It is also widely regarded as being a nice place to live, with Seattle being ranked #3 in the cities Americans would like to live in most, falling behind Detroit and Chicago. It rains 365 days a year in Western Washington, but the East Side is composed mainly of desert, trees, rednecks and farmland.

It should also be mentioned that Washington state is the unholy breeding ground of America's favorite narcissistic sociopaths. Just look at Seattle for an example. Everyone loves a Ted Bundy and Washington is crawling with them.

PROTIP: Don't go to Washington. Save yourself the trip. If you want Washington coffee, try Starbucks.


Washington state was created November 11, 1889. Russians explored the region a long time ago and planted the now flourishing seed of Marijuana. Then it was home to many friendly Native Americans who got raped by a bunch of settlers who moved in and started Starbucks. Since then, nothing has happened except for The Dandy Warhols, the state's most embarrassing cultural achievement.

What a typical house in Washington looks like.

Two Washingtons?

Washington is divided by a hugeass fucking mountain range that is nearly impassable. Life on the two sides of the range are as different as God and Satan.

Two Vancouvers?

There is a town in Southwest Washington called Vancouver, not to be confused with Vancouver, Canada which is a trillion times more interesting. Unlike the rest of Washington which is just boring, America's Vancouver is so lame, gay and pointless that the most famous person in Vancouver is the guy who holds the sign for the Little Caesar's on 4th Plain, who happens to make more money in tips on a weekly basis than you do in a whole paycheck. Despite being a huge town, there are also no night clubs or strip clubs in Vancouver. Also, it never snows in Vancouver despite the fact that the town has all the ingredients for snow. It does have the best fireworks show west of the Mississippi but unless you're into people who hold signs or fireworks, you're probably better off avoiding this town.

American Vancouver now has a new claim to fame. On August 30, 2010, a batshit insane Neo-Nazi named Bethany Storro self pwned herself when she splashed acid on her own face and claimed that a negro did it. This caused international media attention. It was proven to be a hoax on September 16, 2010.

Two Wallas?

The town so retarded they named it twice, Walla Walla represents the extreme Republican side of the state, known primarily for its massive prison and wannabe wine industry. Walla Walla suffers from an overly immense sense of USI, constantly putting up and promoting half assed facades of wanton superiority and class while patting themselves on the back, even long after their faux fixtures fall to the floor and they're openly exposed as pathetic, posturing posers.

Whether it's trying to pass themselves off as the "New Nappa Valley" or futilely attempting to win the "Best Main Street In America" award, the town is molested with fantastical delusions of superiority, while putting in next to no effort at all and constantly accepting subpar standards and mundane mediocrity. They're pretty well the poster town of everything that's wrong with your average self-diagnosed autistic assburger.

The town is not completely without its positives though, as the number of kooks and nut jobs residing within has reached a level of critical mass. As such there's pretty well always incredibly lulzy drama and entertaining insanity, overflowing to the point of even leaking out onto the Interwebs from time to time...

Walla Walla Union-Bulletin Crazy.png


Now there are a lot of failures who currently reside in the shit state known as Washington. Those people will be listed below. The following list of people is not in any particular order, however it remains a true fact that all of these people do live here.

Came from here



Contrary to popular belief George Washington did not come from Washington (state).

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