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Here's to setting the world on fire in 2021!
Warhawk, or Warcawk, but not Warrock, is a nerdier (and unfortunately more popular) clone of Crimson Skies. The premise of the game is just like any other: Shoot shit and die. However, there's a twist! You can also go in airplanes so you can shoot shit and die in the air. Just like every other 3rd person shooter game in the entire world, the story is about a never ending war between 2 factions. In this case, the faction's names are the Eucadians and Chernovan. You, the player, assume the identity of an unnamed soldier from either faction. Arm yourself to the teeth with the latest technology Asian engineers have to offer, and get ready to start fagging up land, sea, and air.
Warhawk was a game which was originally shat out of Sony's company, Incognito Entertainment, in 1995 for the PlayStation 1. However, no one gave a shit about it because all you could do was fly around and fire some poorly animated lazers. Unlike it's descendant, the only game-mode was campaign. Several CEO's later, Incognito's director, Dylan Jobe, had the brilliant idea of rebooting the series from scratch, since the first one was such a smashing clusterfuck of pure win. After 48 hours of intense fighter jet-induced masturbation, Jobe came to the conclusion that Warhawk was, and remains, the single greatest game EVAR. Thus, Jobe begged Sony to have the game remade. Out of pity and annoyance, they gave him the green light. Warhawk was released in closed beta status around 2006 exclusively to basement dwellers, who collectively shat their pants in ecstasy. At first, the beta was a steaming pile of horse shit, suffering from loading problems and ridiculous mid-game freezing, neither of which were ever fixed. The full game was later released in 2007, and many lulz ensued as over 9000 people flooded its servers, pissing off thousands of whiny, acne-scarred faggots.
Weapons (Get a weal gun!)
- Note: Each weapon must be fired in excess of A BILLION FUCKING TIMES to kill your opponent.
Knife - Well, according to Warhawk, it's a knife but it's the size of a fucking machete.
Wrench - You fix your shit vehicles and fuck up your enemy's all by whacking the fuck out of them with this thing. Replaces your "knife".
Pistol - Might as well fight with a fucking bow and arrow since this thing performs so terrible, that unless you have God's trigger finger you won't kill shit.
Assault Rifle - The most basic and frequently abused gun in the game.
Flamethrower - KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Rocket Launcher - Typically used to troll everyone, especially players in vehicles.
Mine - Useful if you want to delete fucking everything or generally be an asshole to unsuspecting players. Also good for suicide bombings.
Biofield Generator - Put out confetti that heals your shit and hurts the bad guys while standing in it.
Binoculars - Call in God to shit all over your enemy for the added lulz.
Sniper Rifle - Terrible accuracy, however now matter what you do this gun will pwn anyone in one shot anyways- even if you miss them.
Machine Guns - Infinite ammo with a cooldown but they do jack shit for damage and are just best for shitting on ground targets.
Swarm Missiles - You can hold up to 15 and it takes more than that just to destroy your target. Chances are, your target will evade your lock or use chaff so using them is fuck all anyways.
Homing Missile - The most commonly used aircraft weapon in the game. Takes just two shots to blow other planes to kingdom cum and is powerful enough to blow up most ground targets in one shot.
Chaff - Used simply just to lose a lock on if you suck so much ass in a plane that you can't evade by doing stunts and shit. You will run out and die anyways.
Air Mines - Hovering proximity bombs that blow other planes the fuck up if they get too close to them. Place inside clouds and close to weapon pickups for maximum lulz.
Lightning Gun - You have to be at least two feet behind a guy just to hit them with this shit, but when you do for consecutive hits it does uber-damage. Can also be charged up and fired in one shot that zaps the shit out of ground targets.
Cluster Bomb - Exactly what it says. Drops a fuck ton of explosives that rapes the shit out of ground targets.
Stealth Generator - Hides your candy ass from everything with the exception of your clear silhouette and the deafening sound this shit makes when it's on. Pair with the TOW missile to be a complete asshole.
TOW Missile - Manually guided smart bomb that does as much blast damage, if not more than the Binocular strike. Turn on your stealth, aim for a crowded area, uncloak, and rape the living fuck out of everyone.
Warhawk/ Nemesis - the planes in this game, because it wouldn't be Warhawk without the plane the game was named after. Shoot, drop bombs, and shoop da whoop from the skies. The planes are as strong as CopperCab's self-esteem, so they can even be taken down by the fucking wrenches. They have a ridiculously high difficulty curve too, so you're basically going to get your ass kicked unless you've been playing since release.
Tanks - Most abused and undeniably the most lulziest in teh game. It takes one shot from the tank to kill anyone on foot...or in the air.
Dropship - Slow ass and useless carrier. You would need infinite patients to ride these, but when you do, it wouldn't matter since your ship will probably be blown to smithereens within 0.-1 seconds. Pick up teammate's vehicles and drop them into the water for lulz.
APC - A truck that can carry many and spawn a few. It has a deployable shield which cannot be penetrated (except by walking through it lolwut) and has a charged turbo that lets you run shit over. If you decide to blow up a shielded APC while your in a plane, the best way to destroy it is by crashing into it.
Jet Pack - Only the coolest mode of transportation evar. It's a fucking jet pack, it can't get more awesome than that... until you get shot down by a fucking rocket launcher within seconds of taking off.
Flak Cannon - A mounted hunk of metal that has dual guns to shoot down planes. However, just like everything else in this game, it's a piece of shit that doesn't have a wide range to shoot the fucking aircraft down from far and takes a billion shots to take it out. Seriously, after you manage to get some shots, your target will always fly away like a bitch and shoot at you from a distance until you get out on foot so he can come back and rape you.
SAM Turret - Same shit as the Flak Cannon but this actually contains lulz. Basically it locks on to aircraft and launches fucking missiles and will follow them until the end. Blow the fuck out of the fags on the other team. The con besides taking forever to reload is that the enemy might be a ballerina in the sky and dodge the missiles while others use chaffs to fuck shit up for you. Another shit is that your completely fucked once you enter because during your hunt, some fag will take advantage of the situation and use his TOW missile or binoculars on you to fuck up your day.
.50 cal A complete waste of time and effort. Seriously who the fuck uses those besides noobs? It leaves you vulnerable to the world so might as well pull your pants down, bend down, and let the other team take turns gang banging your ass. Also found on the Jeep.
—A real OG and Internet toughguy, the Warhawk Mod. Respect!
— ShArPaeShOoTeR, a true honest player.
— Some n00b.
Griefing in Warhawk
-Turn the voice synthesizer high and start talking shit. The other players will go nuts hearing your high pitched voice.
-Create a room and name it Stat-PaddingRnkUP.*
-Complain about lag.
-Complain about hax.
-Destroy vehicles located in your base at the beginning of a match, your team will appreciate it.
-Create a road block to block your teammates from getting the flag to the base.
-In team based modes, fit your teammates vehicles with mines. That way, you can kill enemies and your teammates or have your enemy kill easily kill your teammates. Mines are sensitive to about everything in Warhawk.
-Enter a vehicle (except planes), when a teammate(s) hitches a ride, bolt quickly to a cliff on the edge of the map and quickly jump out the vehicle. If done right, your teammate will still be in the vehicle plunging to his/their death(s). This will count as a suicide and one point will be deducted from them, watch lulz ensue.
-In rooms that contain the Fallen Star pack, grab a jet pack and get in a plane. One member in your team is bound to hitch a ride with you without grabbing a jetpack first. Fly in to enemy territory or stay in the middle of the sky and leave the plane midair. If done right, you will escape while the dumbass in the plane is stuck in the sky awaiting to be shot down or to commit suicide if they don't know they can switch seats. Great for trolling.
-Enter a room and set your audio options to open mic. Proceed to put on a song loud like Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy, music from the Spice Girls, Miley Cyrus, Ricky Martin, BackStreet Boys, Justin Beiber or Soulja Boy. For more interesting results, turn the voice changer into high pitched.
-Find some gay porn and turn it up loud with open mic when in a room. NOTE: If you get distracted and watch the gay porn, then you are gay.
-Host a room, and when people join, kick them one by one.
-When playing on someone's server on a Team Death Match or any other team mode, kill your team members. Switch teams and do the same.
-Pick up the flamethrower, as your team mates are sniping with binoculars or a sniper rifle, block their line of sight by spraying them.
The Death of Warhawk
With all the money generating from Xbox360, Sony wanted to make a Halo-killer of sorts. Haze (release after Warhawk) was hyped up and supposed to be that deterrent to knock gamers socks off and have them burn $600 off an overpriced dvd player. But like any Sony game, Haze proved to be another over hyped piece of shit that went directly into the bargain bin within a month. After that, Sony went back to fuck with Warhawk some more since it was receiving more attention. Incognito decided that it would be a smashing idea to release DLC for players to buy, however Sony released them 2 years after. Despite this, basement dwellers still hanging on to Warhawk proceeded to rack up some bills on their parents credit card to buy even more over priced content for Warhawk. The fact remained that Warhawk was the only thing that kept the PS3 on a limp. This remained true until Metal Gear Solid 4 was announced and everyone who was about to trade their system for an X-Box fapped to Old Snake and decided to keep their PS3. After all, it was an exclusive. After MGS4 came out, Warhawk became forgotten. Today, you will find noobs, 13 year olds, emos,New Jersey residents, and the occasional General that just completely shits on everyone from a plane still playing on the servers. Jobes has since left Incognito and started his own company. He claims that the successor to Warhawk, called Starhawk, will be released soon. It's been 2 years since then.
tl;dr Only faggots play this shit now, don't buy it.
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