Waco (moar like Wacko, amirite?) was the largest and most famous Texas BBQ in recorded history. On February 28th, 1993, the small town of Waco, Texas was host to the Waco Siege, a BBQ of epic proportions, when the compound of the Christian Branch Davidian cult got utterly raped by a combined ATF/FBI raid, led by US Attorney General and part-time male impersonator Janet Reno. The raid was done to troll batshit insane leader David Koresh into giving up his guns and freedom, and according to some, purely for the lulz.
This epic troll move resulted in hours upon hours of quality TV entertainment and of such a spectacle (long before the true rise of the intertubes and when TV wasn't shit for the most part), and ended with the permaban of 4 raiding fedpigs, 87 true believers (including 25 children and 2 fetuses) and Koresh himself, after an epic 51-day raid.
Ironically, the 'official' pretext for the raid was to prevent another Jonestown where over 900 true believers would self pwnt themselves. The mission was a complete success. The FBI was successful in stopping anyone from committing suicide. By murdering them first. God bless the USA.
In AD 1993 War Was Beginning
The Branch Davidians started in the 1930's when a bunch of Seventh Day Adventist kooks decided that the Seventh Day Adventist church was not crazy or lulzy enough for them. They moved from Los Angeles, California, which was also not lulzy enough for them. Away from the sin and vice that only a city composed largely of Mexicans in zoot suits and cowboy hats, clear-speaking black person, and godless gay Jews. They moved to Texas, where everything is pretty much okay and everything is bigger except penes.
Koresh took over the role of "the Messiah reborn" by challenging the Davidians' previous messianic leader to a contest to see which one of them could be the first to raise a person from the dead. Koresh did not actually participate, but instead snitched on the previous leader and had him arrested for desecrating a corpse. Thus, Koresh became the new leader; or as he preferred to be called, "Christ 2: Electric Boogaloo".
So they build this big compound, which they called the International House of David. Unlike the International House of Pancakes, which serves up Texas-style pancakes, grits, and burgers 24/7; the IHOD served up Texas-style buttsechs, baby fuckin', and child molestin' with a side of Jesus.
In 1992, the ATF stopping lovingly stroking and polishing each other's military style rifles long enough to hear prolonged bursts of automatic gunfire coming from IHOD. Figuring they were having a Counterstrike LAN party with a really awesome surround sound system, they decided to go to IHOD and see wtf was up. Being avid cosplayers, they came in real mil-spec anti-terrorism gear, complete with blue ripstop BDU's, Kevlar helmets, body armor, light guns that looked like real M16A2s, MP5s and Glock 19s, as well as dummy flashbangs. As the list of ordinance demonstrates, the safety of the civilians inside clearly came first.
The FBI then drove to a local Safeway in their own trucks, pulling cattle trailers, since the vans and humvees the ATF provided were not adequate. They loaded up plenty of Tecate and Bud Light, tortilla chips, salsa, frozen pizzas, and flammable tear gas.
Unfortunately, the gunfire was not actually a LAN party, but a bunch of survivalist sociopaths with Asperger's preparing for the apocalypse. Their leader, David Koresh, had long taught that someday, the gummint would send a bunch of ATF agents to storm IHOD and force them at gunpoint to knock off all the completely normal, morally upright behavior in which they were engaged, and give up all their cool guns. Had he not be burned to death by the FBI, he might have been able to remark, "told ya so!"
The ATF came to the porch ready to rock and roll with the Branch Davidians, but instead were greeted with a lot of full-metal pwnage. The ATF agents said WTF and proceeded to try to radio the communications officer, which was unsuccessful, as he had turned his radio off to stroke his harbl. When he finally wiped the jizz off his hands and turned it back on, they informed him that there was a good-old, dark age-style castle raid taking place and that they were getting pwnt. Upon hearing this, the communications officer cried, "NO WAI!!!" The ATF responded "ya rly," so he immediately got on AIM and IRC to get some real guns over there as well as an extra server or two.
Someone Set Up us The FBI
After Round 1 had ended, 3 ATF agents had been permabanned IRL and another 22 had gotten shot in the cock, but they had only managed to pwn 6 Branch Davidians in the process. A 2 to 1 ratio is unacceptable, so the FBI admin stepped in and dedicated a few servers to successfully taking IHOD.
The FBI set up shop, the Branch Davidians decided to use camping as a counter tactic, and a 51 day standoff ensued. The FBI sent agent Jeff Jamar, who had previously successfully made an hero out of three other people suffering from Jesus Syndrome in Ruby Ridge six months earlier; to similarly make an hero out of each and every Branch Davidian. This is, of course, because the gummint is controlled by liberal gay Jews from Massachusetts who hated the obvious righteousness of David Koresh, lord and savior.
Half of the FBI thought that the best solution was nonviolence and negotiation. That anyone gullible enough to believe a failed rock star who looked like Howard Stern on a bad day was the messiah, was already leading a life even the FBI couldn't make worse.
The other half thought that the best course of action would be to get as many reporters on the scene as possible and have a 24-hour, up-to-the-minute broadcast of every tactic the FBI was going to attempt so that the rest of America could see how badass they were, followed eventually by Ragnarok.
To prepare for this, the FBI borrowed nine tanks and five CEV's from the Army. A CEV is what happens when a tank fucks a bulldozer. They then proceeded to host a monster truck rally in the front of the IHOD using David Koresh's cars, which pissed the hell out of Davey Koresh. They also borrowed some fursuits from the Anti-Furggotry wing of the Delta Force's l33t closet, in preparation for the attempt to lul them out of their basement.
They also set up a bunch of loudspeakers and would repeatedly fart into a microphone fed through a distortion pedal at inopportune moments; such as when Davey was taking a leak, which caused him to giggle furiously. The convulsing motion causing his flaccid penis to jerk about, getting fresh messianic piss all over his bathroom, to his consternation.
He then had to get a few 16 year old girls to lick it up, which meant that they couldn't be sucking his dick at the same time. Because of this, he decided to troll the radio, angrily lamenting how the government was a bunch of Hitlers and could they please stop shooting at us? No? Oh ok then.
All Your Church Are Belong To Us
Finally, after 51 days of not shooting anyone, the FBI was starting to get really bored. At the same time, Koresh had raped or almost raped every loli in the IHOD, and was also getting really bored. He was forced to turn to his stack of old issues of Time Magazine and read about Jan Palach and Thích Quảng Ðức,and thought to himself, "If I ever decide to become an hero I'm going to do it that way."
Janet Reno was getting really bored too, and after listening over and over to the song "Eat The Baby" by psychobilly band The Meteors, decided that they may be on to something. Not realizing that this was just an joke, she contacted Bill Clinton who, being a black person, agreed on the condition that at least a couple of then were batter fried, and that they could throw some weed in there, too. At this, she started hatching plans on how to best go about barbecuing the 25 children in the compound. She ordered the tanks and CEV's fitted with lazors, and for as many tanks of propane and bottles of Bullseye BBQ sauce as possible to be shipped to Waco immediately.
The plan originally was to poke holes inside the IHOD, which was divided into three sectors. Helicopters were to air drop mesquite and hickory into sectors one and two, while a tank would deposit a ton of the finest quality Afghani bud the law could confiscate onto section three. After which a fire would be started in the ground floor, all the exits sealed, and then Bill Clintonand some whores would stand on the roof, getting the best high ever. The Guinness Book of World Records was on hand to certify the FBI as having created the biggest bong ever.
Unfortunately, David Koresh, believing that "drugs are bad", didn't inhale. Janet Reno freaked the hell out that someone could pass up the chance to get that high and ordered all hell to break loose.
Chronology of events 19 April
|05:50||Agents warn via loud speaker that they are about to start pwnage and that the Davidians should place their heads between their legs and kiss they asses goodbye. They then proceed to fart into the microphone one more time, causing David Koresh to give a golden shower to his shoes. See also: Last Straw|
|06:00||Surveillance tapes record a man inside the compound saying "Everybody wake up, let's start to pray to Jesus, mmkay?" then, "Hold on a second, Pepe's tying his shoe" ..."WTF?" ... "Have you cum yet?"... "FAP FAP FAP FAP"... "Waaaaaaaa"... "Oh fuck not again"... "The Egyptians were sure up to something. Those pyramids are fuckin' huge"... "Hit CTRL ALT DELETE damn it"... "Very funny, who hid my Crank Yankers DVD?"... "*BELCH*"... "No, just click once, you're making it run slow"... "FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP *gooey splash sound*"... "Anybody got a cigarette?"|
|06:04||Armored vehicle with ram and delivery device pwns a glory hole 8 feet high and 10 feet wide in the side of the IHOD. Soldiers run in, guns blazing, in a bid to secure as many barbecuable babies as possible.|
|06:10||Surveillance tapes record "Aw fuck, man, I'm spent... I'm spent... oh man, why now of all times?"... "Just throw em a kid or two and tell em to come back later for fuck's sake." FBI negotiator Byron Sage is recording saying "THERE IS NO POINT IN RESISTING THE BARBECUE HAS STARTED HAHA" Surveillance tape records a man saying "WTF?" then, "NO WAI."|
|06:12||Surveillance tapes record Davidians saying "They're gonna pwn us in the ass," then "They don't want to pwn us in the ass."|
|07:23||Surveillance tapes record a male Davidian saying, "HOW DO I BECOME AN HERO???" Then a second male says, "I dunno lol"|
|08:00||Armored vehicle with battering ram rips into second floor of compound, a bunch of bud is unloaded and then minutes later another glory hole is punched into the backside of the compound. A fire is started in the lower level, and as all holes are sealed, helicopters prepare to lower Ill Bill, The Gorester, and some hoes into place. The vehicles then withdraw|
|09:00||The Davidians unfurl a banner which reads "We want our phone fixed. Oh, and plz stop pwning us too"|
|09:13||Armored vehicles labor intensively to get the hickory and mesquite into place in time. FBI agents push Davidians, begging for mercy, back into the IHOD and tell them "you had your chance, faggot"|
|09:16||Surveillance tapes record conversation between two males identified as David Koresh and some other guy|
|10:00||A man is seen waving a white flag on the southeast side of the compound. He is advised over loudspeakers that if he is surrendering he should come out. He doesn't. In response, at least 100 agents open fire and he is shot so much he becomes a black hole|
|11:30||More backdoor lulz, via punching another gaping glory hole|
|11:40||Surveillance tapes record a man saying "I want a harbl around the back," then later, "Let's keep that friction going."|
|11:43||Another brown insertion takes place, with the armored vehicle moving deep into the bowels of the building to reach the tight, concrete interior room where the FBI believe Davidians are trying to avoid arseraep|
|12:03||Armored vehicle turret knocks away first floor corner on right side. Bill Clinton and his homies yell, "WTF am I doing here, waving my dick in the wind? Let's get this fire burning. I've got an important dinner engagement to go to in six hours and if I'm not stoned when I get there..." and shakes his fist angrily.|
|12:05||**I move away from the mic to breathe in.|
|12:08||Visible flames appear in two spots at the front of the building, first on the left of the front door on the second floor (a wisp of smoke then a small flicker of flame) then a short time later on the far right side of the front of the building, and at a third spot on the back side. Agents say Branch Davidian members ignited the fires, alleging that observers saw a man dressed in black bend over with cupped hands and then saw him wipe the cum off his mouth with his sleeve and return to work, being payed at least 100 dollars an hour to be a tool of the Zionist government and create all sorts of comic Jew mischief|
|12:09||Ruth Riddle exits with computer disk in her jacket containing Koresh's Manuscript on the best ways to go about fucking the hell out of 16 year old girls and justifying it by claiming to be god. They take the disk and then throw her back in.|
|12:10||Flames spread quickly, fanned by wind from the ass of Tipper Gore, who asked Peter Jennings to pull her finger in a live interview.|
|12:12||911 call placed for fire department. Two Waco FD trucks are dispatched. Shortly after, Bellmead FD dispatches two trucks. They are instructed to stop by the store and get some more beer and a LOT of meat for the lulz to come|
|12:22||Waco fire trucks arrive at checkpoint, Bellmead follows shortly after These four fire trucks arrive, whereupon the firemen say "HOLY SHIT this is a big barbecue. Yeeeeeeehaaaaaw!" and then crack open beer and wait for the dead cult members to be served up. Discussion begins as to whether this is the biggest BBQ Texas ever had.|
|12:25||There is a large explosion on the left side. One object hurtles into air, bounces off the top of white bus and lands on grass. This is later identified as the mirth of a nation, inflated at the sight of their president and vice president using the world's biggest bong and then laughing jovially. They were seen to be competing to see who could hold it in the longest, and Clinton lost when Al Gore said "Hey now, Bill, don't inhale" causing him to let loose and croak, "dude, fuck you. haha."|
|12:30||Part of the roof collapses. Around this time there are several further explosions and witnesses report the sound of gunfire, attributed to the FBI to agents going around pwning remaining Branch Davidians via headshot.|
|12:43||Fire trucks arrive in compound according to fire department logs, accompanied by Janet Reno. They immediately set up spits and dig barbecue pits and go about looking for suitably cooked cult members. Paper plates and plastic utensils are in full effect, and everyone, including the press and medical professionals, line up for precious, precious barbecue. Clinton and Gore pass out on the couch to much lulz, and everyone is in agreement that this is the best fuckin' BBQ Texas ever done had|
|12:55||BBQ begins to burn out, compound leveled in preparation for being eBayed off as souvenirs. Like a pussy he tried to arm the bomb 15 seconds before the round ended, stupid Jew faggot.|
|15:45||Law enforcement source says David Koresh is pwned, CT's disarm the bomb.. COUNTER TERRORISTS WIN|
Aftermath and Cultural Impact
The night of April 19th, Bill Clinton appeared on air and, typical of his normal nightly broadcasts to the American public, quickly stripped off his pants; revealing a rather small, but swollen erection.
Clinton then sat on the desk in the oval office, threw his legs as far as they would go behind his head and attempted to bend over far enough to get his penis into his mouth, because sure as hell Hillary wasn't going to do it. When it became obvious that this was not going to happen, Janet Reno came onscreen, her large, deflated breasts swinging freely; a large, black, freshly lubed dildo between her legs; and proceeded to take Clinton from behind. She then pumped Clinton for ten minutes, demanding to know the location of the Jade Donkey.
Clinton finally gasped, "It's right here" and laid back so that his erect penis was pointing to the sky, mimicking the Washington Monument in the background. Reno then straddled him and proceeded to bounce up and down, his Presidential Peener alternately penetrating her vagina and ass, before he finally shot a load of steaming presidential jizz all over the desk. This was one of the busiest nights ever for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, and the incident, set in slow motion to Massive Attack's "Angel," remains one of the most widely viewed videos on YouTube. The incident garnered wide applause from liberal Europe (because they thought Clinton was fucking another dude); the Middle East (because they though Clinton was fucking a camel); and anyone who liked granny porn (self explanatory).
The UN gave the burning of a church a standing ovation when it was brought before the council for human rights, and proceeded to ask if there were any leftovers, lulz. When it was admitted that the Branch Davidians had already been devoured, most of the UN said "it's cool bro, we know, we were just fuckin' with yuz." However, Yassir Arafat of the Arabs blamed this on the Jews and immediately ordered at least 100 school buses filled with Jew larvae to be immediately blown up in retribution. Clinton said "WTF" and invited both Arafat and arch rival, Yitzhak Rabin, to the White House to do blow off the asses of hookers together. What followed this was six years of peace in Israel, all because of the events that transpired in a small town called Waco, Texas.
Gulf War Veteran and KKK member Timothy McVeigh became an hero two years later on April 19, 1995, when he bombed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, OK in retaliation for the events at Waco. He did this because Oklahoma is a liberal state filled with Jews. Not a single conservative Christian who voted Republican died in this attack. Timmy Boy thought he got vengeance and lulz for his actions, but the lulz were on him, when he was sentenced to die by ass rape which was carried out over the course of six months by gay black Jews.
Columbine was meant to occur on April 19th, 1999, but unfortunately the bonehead autists fucked up and were a day late, thus shooting up their school on April 20th, creating a trend where many would an hero every 4/20. This lulzy event is commonly referred to as An Hero Day.
Teh Internets Weigh In
Many survivalists, conspiracy theorists, and pedophiles cried about the whole incident, citing that the government used "pyrotechnic devices" that caused the fire, thus murdering Koresh. However they fail to realize that having a complex wall to wall with stockpiles of fuel (lol survivalism) is a extreme fire hazard brought on by themselves, not to mention that they were totally asking for it. Another claim is that besides brainwashing & fucking underage girls, fortifying the complex & stockpiling weapons, leading a cult that refused to surrender, and firing upon federal agents; they were perfectly innocent law-abiding citizens. All this drama is basically a grown up version of your average 13 year old boy screaming "BULLSHIT CAMPING FAG1111" when you killed them on Xbox live.
The anonymous freedom of the internets has given all these people a forum in which to verbalize, endlessly, their "views" on the "truth," which would be fucking hilarious if it was not for the fact that people actually believe the above, are butthurt about it, and own guns themselves. Insanity LOVES company, and whereas for a few years, this company was limited to the town watering hole and a pitcher of beer, these people now can swap their "observations" and "theories" on what happened with one another nationwide.
Srsly though, if you go and buy three firearm magazines this month, at least one of them will have an op-ed in which the retard writer, invariably a fat white guy from a state like Nebraska or Iowa that's positively filled with degenerate minorities and sexual deviants - who is obviously in the know - will make some off-the-cuff remark about how "our government's actions against a small church in Waco, TX, will not go forgotten" and "nor will their oppression of a small group of patriots who were murdered in Ruby Ridge, ID," either. This can be taken as proof that there is an unsettling number of people in the United States who are batshit crazy. Our only hope is to get Premier Bill Clinton back to rule this country with an iron phallus and create a few more barbecues for great justice. Desu!
- Timothy McVeigh
- Wacko Jacko
- Victim complex
- IRL Troll
- Janet Reno
- Steve Jobs
- Bill Clinton
- Unwarranted Self-Importance
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