Video games or 'tendo games are electronic games that 13-year-old boys and assholes play to kill time and fill the empty void of their lives with a false feeling of achievement. Most video games come from Japan, as Azns relate better with the average gamer (i.e. lonely chronic masturbators who can't get off to anything that isn't a cartoon or in a computer), which is the only reason Americunts didn't perma-ban the archipelago IRL in World War 2.
Despite gaming having been around for quite some time, it did not became popular until the release of the Atari 2600. Fortunately, it did not take long for Atari to fuck it up with the release of the shit version of Pac-Man and E.T. and the video game industry almost dies. Soon after, a card company somehow got the idea that making their own console with video games to appeal to fursuiters, LSD enthusiasts, and pedophiles would save the video game market; and shockingly, they were right. This resulted with multiple other companies ripping the idea off by releasing even more games about furries (notably hedgehogs and marsupials) running around in LSD-induced worlds.
While the hedgehog's legacy could pretty much be considered dead, the console with the marsupial replaced its mascot with many others, and soon dispatched those too and to date has managed make 4 consoles, each with more fail than the last. While all of this was going on, the guys that made Windows also decided to join the orgy by releasing two mediocre consoles and a cock-suckingly bad piece of shit. Regardless, no matter which consoles there are at the time, they will always be insanely expensive, so gamers' parents will never buy their spoiled brats multiple consoles. Thus flame wars ensue over which console is superior, in attempts to justify their purchase to everyone else.
Types of Video Games
- First Person Shooters: Aim at something and click a button to kill it. It's so easy that you can use it to instantly grow some constantly-bullied five-year-old into a serial killer, hence the alternative term "Murder Simulators."
- Third-Person Shooter: The same as FPSs but with the view of a stalker.
- Music-related Games: What better way to pretend you have have any musical talent than by hitting buttons on a fake guitar, stomping on an electric matress and pretending it's dancing, or making an annoying, crackling puberty shriek into a microphone?
- Role Playing Games: Only played by fat ugly people with fragile egos as RPGs allow them to be someone else, and sometimes RPGs even allow the player to make an over-idealized (and genderbent) version of himself.
- Real Time Strategy: You play as a person with the ability to build bases and make vast armies to holocaust your enemy, looks epic but ultimately if you're not Korean you WILL always fail at this genre.
- Massively Multiplayer Online Games: These are ironically the games that are inhabited by the most socially inept fucking losers, assholes, disease-ridden fat ugly people and the worst of no-lifes the Internet could offer. Usually they're obsessed with leveling which makes their E-Penis bigger, getting virtual money, and meeting people even more pathetic than them. In these games, as much as possible, abhor the impossibly hot elf supermodels in half-naked costumes making whores puritan in comparison, for they are more likely to be the aforementioned disease-ridden fat ugly guys in real life. Often at times, people on MMOs will form guilds so they can pretend they have really close friends.
- Multiplayer Online Battle Arena: What happens when the RTS genre is raped and its carcass mutilated by everything that makes the RPG and MMO genre so attractive to egotistical assholes. Any strategy left is removed and replaced with the control of 1 Hero Unit who can murder people and collect items to make him an overpowered version of yourself (read: Mary Sues in RPGs), and then have your team gangrape the enemy. But more often than not, you will spend your time arguing shit with your own team for being a noob/failurefag/idiot/kill-stealer than actually winning the fucking game. Also known euphemistically as Aeon of Strife Styled Fortress Assault Game Going On Two Sides (A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S.) due to the extensive community of douchebags that inhabit the genre.
- Sports Games: Played by people who suck at sports. Oh the irony.
- Survival Horror: Imagine reading a genuinely frightening book, now strip it of all that makes it genuinely frighting, make that book cost ten times as much, have it include shit randomly scream at your face every minute and you have every Survival Horror video game ever made. It should also be noted that these games will always have terrible controls, lame fourth wall breaking, and plots and scenarios so mind-numbingly stupid that it's horrifying to think anyone was paid to write them.
- Racing: People who can't drive play racing games. This makes up 99.99% of internet users who say they drive a car when in reality all they know about cars derives from Forza Motorsport and Gran Turismo.
- Fighting Games: These require the player to smash as many buttons as possible on the controller until somebody dies.
- Online sex games: (known as Dating sims or Eroge if they're aimed at forever alone weeaboos who jack off to cartoon ponies) Although there have been a few of these games for consoles, most of these games exist only on the Internet. Taking anywhere from 2 minutes to 30 minutes to complete, the grand reward being poorly drawn fanporn or horribly animated flashsex. These games are usually comical in their inaccurate descriptions of fucking.
- Mobile Games: These are games that can only be played on smartphones and tablets.
MostAll of them are absolute shit due to the lack of a real controller and greedy game devs who only let you play for 10 minutes before bringing the game to a halt and forcing you to open your wallet for some stupid bullshit that will probably only let you play for another five minutes before demanding more of your sheckles. The only people who play these games are spoiled children with access to their parent's credit card, and people with too much money.
Video Game Consoles
Video game consoles are giant clunky boxes that are required to play video games. Consoles are the centre for many online debates. Regardless of exclusives or some shitty add-ons, consoles are just computers, so they will break down eventually,
making them all equally shitty. DISREGARD THAT, NOTHING IS MORE SHITTY THAN WHAT MICROSOFT MAKES.
- PC: The best console ever made. All other consoles are inferior according to the basement dwellers of the Master Race.
- Commodore 64: The best selling personal computer of all time, even though it ages like shit. Unlike Macs however, they at least have games. The games came in the form of either Floppy disks, that were actually floppy, or those old worthless audio cassettes. Not much can be said about the library of games. They are as complex as iOS games.
- Atari 2600: Ask any person over 40 and they'll know what this piece of shit is. Atari games were even less complex than Commodore, but sold like crack. The graphics are famous for being impossible to make out, and being pretty much only squares. Atari games were generally the kind with no goal, just high scores. Atari also had a lot of generic space shooters. Way, way too many. Despite the onslaught of basic shit, Atari had some popular games, such as the E.T. game, often considered one of the worst games ever made. It also had a decent amount of . Because of the shitty games, people quit buying it, and it led to a death of an entire industry.
- Nintendo Entertainment System: An ugly gray box that gave us such abominations as Mario Bros and The Legend of Zelda. The NES was the answer to Atari's bullshit (thank God). In return, we got a library that still blowed, but it had some games that at least aged better. The NES, in retrospect, is worshipped by Retrosexuals. This is the reason the industry is now being inundated with shitty after shitty retro-themed 8-bit games, like Cave Story. The only good game on the NES is Battletoads.
- Sega Genesis: Shitty games, God awful controller layout, lame fans, DOUBLE THE BITS!!! As disgraceful as it was, it still made the SNES and NES its bitch.
- Super Nintendo: Being that the Genesis outsold the NES, Nintendo decided to put together something that would steal the competition. So they gave us a hideous blocky kids toy with purple buttons. It's only redeeming quality is the controller, since the buttons were angled so you didn't have to jump your fingers around constantly like a dumbass.
- Nintendo Gameboy: The first successful portable console. The games were in
blackgreen and white, and were just shitty ports of console games. It also was the humble beginnings of Pokemon.
- Atari Lynx: Atari eventually stopped naming their crap after numbers, and started naming them after cats. The Lynx was terrible, as you could hardly see the fucking screen.
- Sega Game Gear: The cocky answer to the GameBoy. The genius people at Sega thought that simply giving the GameBoy colour and internal lighting would make it successful, but instead what they got was a bettery empty signal.
- Phillips CD-I: An over-glorified DVD player that had two types of games: educational games, and those dreaded YouTube Poop SPAGHETTI TOAST SQUADELLAH games. It however did give us LOTSA SPAGHETTI
- Sega Saturn: A console with no memorable games (expect for Sonic R, which is known for it's metrosexual music) and was hard to program for.
- Nintendo Virtual Boy: A lulzy prank invented by Gunpei Yakoi. His prank backfired and he lost his job.
- Sony PlayStation: Nintendo's all new nemesis, ironically however, this abomination would have never came into existence if Nintendo had not pissed off Sony (Srsly, google why it was made). The PlayStation did what the Genesis pulled like six years earlier. Unlike Sega, however, the PSX wasn't fucking around, and still sold more than Nintendo's 64 bit console, which was double the PSX's bits. The PSX was smart enough to also include like a thousand buttons.
- Nintendo 64: One of the weirdest science fair experiments ever made. The controller was shaped like a vagina, and it had less games than the XBox. It also utilised cartridges for some unknown reason. It's memorable games were mostly Rareware's creations.
- WonderSwan: After getting fired for the greatest prank in video game history, Gunpei Yakoi decided to work on this piece of shit until he died in a car crash. No one remembers it, but it still outsold the XBox in Japan. Nobody remembers this shit.
- Sega Dreamcast: A 128-bit console that was actually pretty advanced for it's time. Too bad not much can be said about it since it was barely around before being trampled by the PlayStation 2. It had Sonic Adventure, which is essentially the beginning of the DeviantArt Sonicfags. This was effectively the death of SEGA.
- Sony PlayStation 2: The best selling console of all time. It's amazing games include Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, generic racing games, generic fighting games, and generic sports games. It's controller was identical to the PSX's, only with two extra joysticks. These two joysticks are gigantic and felt awkward to handle. Despite being state of the art, it only had two controller ports.
- Nintendo Gameboy Advance: It actually has internal lighting. It was around this time that Pokemon began to die. Although this would be a good thing, only the casual players left, leaving only 13-year-old boys that fap to Gardevoir.
- Microsoft Xbox: A watered-down
PCtoaster built to compete with the GayStation 2. It's controller is bigger than the console itself, and it's only notable game is Halo, which is by no means a positive thing. Bill Gates didn't really care what happens, as long as he gets shekels. XBox can be considered the new Sega: They just can't win. Maddox elaborates here.
- Nintendo GameCube: Kidtendo's most laughable invention since the Virtual Bitch. It's console design was, like any other Nintendo console, hideous, and looked like an expensive child's computer. Even worse, however, was it's controller, which is likely the worst controller ever conceived for a video game console. It features a tiny D-PAD, a colossal A button, a microscopic B button, and L and R buttons that made an undescribable noise when pressed, that made you think they were ready to fall apart. The games were nothing you haven't seen on any other consoles. It is actually the worst choice for weeaboos since it only has one JRPG.
- Nintendo DS: A double screened portable console that is specially built to play boring point and click games. And Pokemon. Again.
- Nintendo 2DS: Nintendo shows it has run out of ideas. Literally a 3DS, but flat and no 3D. Might as well flush your money down the toilet.
- Sony PlayStation Portable: Stands for Pornography Station Portable. Good for masturbation and racing games. No, srsly.
- Microsoft Xbox 360: The first Microjew console that people cared about. It was around this time that Microsoft purchased Rareware, and they forced them to make shitty sequels to Rare classics. It was also the grand daddy of generic FPSs. Unfortunately, this console spawned one of the most annyoing and cunt-like fanboys squads of all time. It is shown in studies that
98.5%100% of XBOX fanboys have autism, they're retardation challenges the likes of Sonic fags, Chris Chan, Google, JewTube, Britian, and even possibly Furfags.
- Sony PlayStation 3:
It's $599.Nope, the retards at Sony actually thought they could sell outdated tech for $1000. Had no games until well into its service life due to being too complex and a pain in the ass to code for.
- Nintendo Wii: A remote-controlled console with a dildotroller and a sensor bar. It was Nintendo's claim back to fame. It also included a virtual console Emulator, so it saves time getting out your old dusty piece of shit NES. Too bad they're expensive as fuck. The only reason people actually bought this shit is because soccer moms actually thought it would help you lose weight.
- Nintendo Wii U: Despite the success of the Wii, Nintendo found a way to fuck it up. The Wii U has no notable games that don't include an Italian plumber or a some other shit nobody cares about. It's hard to find a Wii U player that's above the age of ten, not a basement dweller and not a manchild.
- Sony PlayStation 4: Nothing is known of this console, since it has no games, no one owns it, and it's not known if it even exists.
In fact, it doesn't even have a fucking ED article.Nevarmind, some faggot finally got around to making an article, albeit a shitty one at that.
- Microsoft Xbox One: A surveillance-system that plays games. It caused months of internet shitstorms for its old DRM policies and lack of vidya. It also had a hilariously bad E3 conference. XCOCKS One has also created one of the greatest shitstorms in gaming history.
- Nintendo Switch: Another shitty gimmicky waste of plastic and electronics. It's main gimmick is to be a console that you can also use as a ipad on the go.
How to identify gamers
Besides their obesity and obvious lack of sex life, people may also be gamers if the following applies to them:
- They have memorized which Japanese word on the menu screen is for yes, no, save, and options.
- They think fighting games require skill.
- They have ever used online co-op and have an extremely short temper.
- They think any real-life plumbers would be Italian, wear overalls, and have mustaches.
- They masturbate to Sonic.
How to make a Successful Video Game
Because seemingly every child who plays video games decides that they want to become rich, happy, and successful members of the industry, here are a few examples of how to make a successful game so that you don't totally cock it all up. Protip: Don't forget to change random crap to fit the country you plan to sell this game to. Call these changes "localization". This list is for Americunts. For other countries, see the handy chart at right.
- Make everything in the game darker then a Chicago gang shootout
- Use an already firmly established character and/or setting. Fanbois may bitch and whine about a game violating previously established canon, or being different in style from other games in the series, or being fun when the other games were shit, but that won't stop them from buying it, no matter how many times you get their hopes up, only to unleash another shit-fest upon them.
- Add a gun. Bitches love guns.
- While you're at it, put in as much gore, violence, sex, tits, and swearing as possible without it getting the dreaded AO rating. This will make it extremely attractive to 13-year-old boys who strive to be mature by playing mature games for mature gamers such as themselves.
- If it is a Fantasy game, then there is absolutely no such thing as too much Fanservice. Female armour should be designed to show off as much Tits and Legs and Ass as much as possible, despite common sense telling you that charging into battle in a bikini will get you turned into Swiss Cheese.
- If Jack Thompson calls for it to be made illegal to even utter the game's title in public, you're doing it right.
- Make a fitness game for the Wii or Kinect. This will make it more popular than Jesus among 12 year old girls and Your Mom.
- Make it cross platform. This will make you moar jew gold, is quick and easy, and will cause Drama among the console fags as they argue over which version is better, despite them all playing the same way. Alternatively, if you happen to be James Cameron, you could just make a shit game of your shit movie and make a different one for all the consoles, so that fantards will buy all of them.
- Make it exclusive to the PS3 or Xbox so that the Sony/Microsoft fantards will worship it for being an exclusive title.
- Make it exclusive to the PC, so that the miserable PC Gamers will feel that they are still relevant.
- Make it Retro. Retrofags will noisily fap over anything that looks like it came out of the 80s or 90s, even if they themselves acknowledge that it is complete shit.
- Have it contain a shit song from a shit band. Slipknot, Korn, or some nigger music will do the job sufficiently. Be sure to to put a different song that never actually appears in the game in the trailer as well.
- Have it contain or be about a character from a popular movie or comic book franchise. Nerds will buy it for this reason alone.
- Add in multiplayer so that 13-year-old boys can scream and cuss at each other over the internet. Use the multiplayer component as an excuse for a short, underdeveloped single-player game.
- Make up a shit story with two-dimensional characters and crap dialogue. Gamers are retarded enough to consider even the shittiest of stories good.
- make it turn-based, anime styled, and boring so that all of the weeaboos will buy it because it is OMG LIEK SO KAWAII DESU DESU NEKO CHAN FROM JAPAN ^-^. JRPG players have long since repressed the ability to have fun, and are only stimulated by menu based combat and unlikable characters.
- Pour all of the budget into graphics, while letting the rest of the development team stagnate.
- Make it as much like Call of Duty as possible without attracting the ire of Activision. CoD fantards are so impatient they can't even wait a single year for the next game in their shit series to come out, and will play anything that looks like CoD while they scream at the voices at the other end of the microphone and stuff their faces full of Cheetos, Mountain Dew, and Ritalin.
- Finally, remove all originality and fun. These will kill a game more surely than any other problem you can face will, so GET THEM THE FUCK OUT, MOTHER FUCKER!!!
- Sit back and watch as all of the gaming-related sites are paid to give your game good reviews, and adoring fans heap jew golds upon you.
How to make an Unsuccessful Video Game
"That's fine," you might say, "but what if I want to make an actually good game?" Well, it's funny that you ask...
- Give it an original concept. There's nothing the industry hates more.
- Think up a refreshing setting that hasn't ever been done before. Gamers won't be satisfied if it doesn't take place in a ruined city or feature at least a jungle, ice, and fire world.
- Pay actual writers to write a deep story, good dialogue, and likable characters. Your efforts will be wasted, as gamers lack the intelligence to comprehend good stories and non-black and white morality, and will go into a shut down state.
- Give it a distinctive art style and graphics so that it is easily recognizable when compared to similar games. If graphics aren't as REALISTIC, GRITTY, and IMMERSIVE as it gets, gamers will be insulted that you expect them to have fun when it isn't pretty.
- Don't include multiplayer. Why the fuck would you do that?.
- Avoid viral marketing. If it isn't viral, nobody will give the slightest bit of a fuck.
- Make the game mature while possibly not even receiving the M Rating. If it isn't an M-Rated game for mature gamers such as themselves, gamers will give it a pass.
- Make it whimsical and surreal, not realistic. Who the fuck wants to play an unrealistic game?
- The protagonist should be designed as a normal person with normal stats instead of being a Mary Sue who is either a large, muscular man cradling his gun/sword, or a Bishonen.
- NO FEMALE FANSERVICE ALLOWED. Try to have a fat 3rd-wave Feminist such as Anita Sarkeesian or the cast of Ghostbusters as advisors in designing female characters.
- Pace the game. Make it so that it begins slowly but picks up speed until you have a rolling barrel of fun by the end. Gamers lack any sort of attention span, and will put it away if it doesn't grab them by the balls from the start.
- Have a brix shitting ending. This will only confuse gamers, who will utterly fail to interpret it at all.
- Ultimately, make it a fun, enjoyable, and memorable experience. Gamers are too bitter to have fun, even when they actually play fun games.
- Sit back and watch as Video Game Reviewers give it good reviews because they liked it, not because of being paid to, while all of the gamers pass it by, aside from a small collection of Hipsters, Hippies, and a few lesbians from /v/, along with some other "Games are Art" faggots. Ultimately, your game is unsuccessful and doesn't sell more than a few hundred copies.
As you wallow in your own misery, knowing that you are a total failure, you now have two options. You can either sell out and become a corporate whore like the rest of the people put into your position, or you can become An Hero as an artistic statement. Either way, you still Fail.
- Level Up
- Video game reviewers
- Console Wars
- Real life video game
- Spike's Video Game Awards
- Cookie clicker
- NeoGAF - The nexus of hardcore
gamerssocial justice warriors.
- Matthew Nicholson
Video games is part of a series on