⚠️ Encyclopedia Dramatica is currently being restored by automated scripts ⚠️
There's been a lot of questions as to what's going on with the site and what comes next. So we have this (ordered) roadmap of what's being worked on and what's to come. This will be updated until the roadmap is complete as Æ has a lot of missing features and ideas that I'd like to fix in regards to its offerings before I implement big plans for the site's popularity and well-being in 2021.
Content restoration (Mostly done, few things missing that will be restored sporadically) Image restoration (Being run in background, nothing I can do cept wait)
Æ Imageboard (Currently being worked on)
Mediawiki upgrade and backend fixes
.onion domain for Tor-friendly editing and viewing
CSS overhaul (Fixing things like the videos on mobile, and overall a rehaul of the wiki's look to be more friendly to readers)
Paid bounty board for new articles (Won't be managed by me for legal reasons however I will ensure it runs smoothly)
Anonymous phone # service for those seeking ban evades from Twitter as well as a phone number not tied to their name (more details at launch)
Currently we are nearing our annual LLC renewal fee ($650) as well throwing the funds required for these other changes and aspects. If you would like to support Æ consider purchasing a copy of The Hustler's Bible or securing some Merch. Donating is also appreciated however I would rather give something back as per the two options above.
If you have any questions you can join our public Telegram chat to DM me privately or @ me in chat.
You can also email me via [email protected]
Merch notes: Thank you to all who have purchased merch. We will ship late January or mid February depending on our provider's speed.
Here's to setting the world on fire in 2021!
|This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from drama. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page.|
Uncle Kage aka Dr. Samuel Conway is a martial arts movie star who you may remember from such films as Dragon Fist, Dragon Fist 2, and Son of Dragon Fist. When critics mocked his performance, he undertook a dangerous journey into the Outworld to fight in Shao Kahn’s Mortal Kombat – hoping to find the script for another blockbuster action film!!! SURGE!
On Earth, Uncle Kage is the big wet pussy responsible for the world’s biggest wet pussy festival, Anthrocon, also known as Suck-Kage’s-Miniscule-Dick-con. In his spare time, Uncle Kage likes to spend his time getting drunk and hitting on anything that has a penis, like any typical furfag. Kage rules Anthrocon with an iron fist, so no furry is allowed to reject his rancid diseased penis. Being sodomized by Uncle Kage is a rite of passage amongst furries, the final test of murrhood required before a young furfag can earn his clip-on neko ears. That’s why Uncle Kage is named after wicked Uncle Ernie.
During his early years in the fandom, he distinguished himself as this planet's most pathetic wapanese, trying to compensate for his utter lack of social skills and personality by puttering about as if the steel dildo up his ass had suddenly grown spikes, uttering random, poorly-pronounced Japanese words while bowing in a girlish manner that failed to induce anyone to insert their penis into his mouth. After collapsing under the weight of his sheer uselessness and mediocrity, he re-introduced himself as a "storyteller."
—Chalmers was actually talking about Kage
His storytelling sessions feature him regaling about a dozen morbidly obese Downs Syndrome patients with tales of his imagined triumphs in life. These events are usually held in any particularly crowded men's public toilet in any cheap hotel (or the drunk tank at the local jail) that is unfortunate enough to be hosting a furry convention.
To this date, he has yet to prove any reason why he should be suffered to live.
Uncle Kage hates Target, because they tore down the hotel where Anthrocon used to be held to build a Target superstore. Seriously. Strangely no other hotel in the city wanted to be associated with crowds of reeking dog-fuckers, so Kage had to move allllll the way from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh. Oh, the tragedy! Kage insists that Anthrocon be held close to his home because TRAVEL IS HARD (which is funny, since he attends practically every "major" convention, and often goes overseas) and also because he likes to parade his doddering, senile parents around like some sort of perverted war trophies.
When anyone mentions Target, Uncle Kage flies supposedly into a BLIND, VIOLENT RAEG, as evidenced by the fact that he once karate-chopped a box of crackers from Target using his awesome ninja fury. Uncle Kage believes that this makes him a CHARACTER.
Shortly before Anthrocon 2007, Uncle Kage got his panties in a bunch about furfags staying at the same hotel and breathing his precious air without paying to join his convention aka “ghosting.” Why, they were practically stealing bread right out of his decrepit parents’ mouths! In a delightful LJ comment, Kage threatened to turn many furfags into an hero by tattling on them to the hotel because the hotel would obviously care a great deal about people who were paying for hotel rooms but not shelling out for yiff orgies:
Later on, Kage suffered troll’s remorse and said he was sorry. The effective revenge to having your room rate yanked is to call up your credit card company and issue a chargeback against Anthrocon, for changing the advertised rate without warning. Then sit back and watch Anthrocon's merchant contract get yanked.
Uncle Kage’s Happytime Fantasy Make-Believe-o-rama of Unicorns and Cock
Most furries like to look down their noses at such pedestrian Hollywood gossip as Paris Hilton or Brangelina, but the truth is these douchebags are the biggest celebrity-worshiping nimrods in the cosmos. That’s why they accept close proximity to unfunny fandom pseudo-celebs like 2 the ranting gryphon (incidentally, a good pal of Kage’s) as a substitute for genuine entertainment. In this vein, furries looooove Uncle Kage’s Storytime. Uncle Kage always carries around a glass of wine during his storytime hour of fun and magic, because he says IT IS HIS TRADEMARK. This is a lie. The real reason, though, is because he is a pretentious twat and we all know that only pretentious twats carry around wine glasses.
Actually, the real real reason is that he's a raging alcoholic and the glass is probably full of sake, or perhaps Everclear. Not that there's much of a difference...
Uncle Kage likes to pretend that he’s a scientist, even wearing a labcoat to impress his sycophants at conventions. In reality, he’s the guy that puts labels on those little plastic jars of piss when you go get tested for gonorrhea.
How to troll Uncle Kage
- Fail to recognize him.
- Rebuff his drunken advances.
- Ghost his conventions.
- Punch him in his stupid fucking face.
- Go to his LJ and spam the shit out of him.
- Praise the Target chain of stores and advise people to shop there in front of him.
- Mention to non-furries who may have gotten lost and accidentally wound up in the furfag convention that the odd numbered rooms are reserved for gay fursuit orgies. (This is actually true.)
(Edit: Recently changed to rooms that are multiples of 5)
- Tell reporters the awful truth about Kage and Anthrocon. Warning: this may be met with Kage's +5 banhammer of raeg.
- Tell people about his other identity (Rogue) (see below).
- Tell him sake does not count as wine.
- Call him "Uncle Cage". (This may seem simple but it really pisses him off.)
The Secret Identity of Uncle Kage
One thing Uncle Kage does not like is having other Furries know about his Fetishes. When he's not being a squeaky clean mouthpiece for the Furry Fandom he slips into his alter ego "Rogue", a 90 foot wolf who loves stepping on people and
smearing their remains over his ginormous cock BAWLETED! Kage's love of perverse kinks explains his reluctance to ban known furfag pedo Tora from his convention while at the same time wielding the banhammer on anyone who talks to the media without his permission. A good way to get Uncle Kage to froth is to let others know about him being Rogue.
- Uncle Kage's Rogue the Megawolf YouTube account
- Uncle Kage's live journal devoted to his fursona
- A page devoted to the faggotry of Kage's fursona
Uncle Kage is part of a series on
Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage.