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Tsubasa: RESERVoir CHRONiCLE is a
spinoff ripoff anime piece of shit created by CLAMP to bring together some of their most popular anime into one universe at one time, so you'll find a few characters from Cardcaptor Sakura and some characters from some other anime CLAMP's made that nobody outside of Japan has ever even heard of.
To appeal to a wider audience, CLAMP also shoved in some time travel and time paradoxes to appeal to the more nerdy faggots who think that they're deep enough to understand the universe, while also having the romance of the two hugely shipped characters from Cardcaptor Sakura, Sakura and Li, to appeal to the whiny faggots and fangirls. All of this, of course, ultimately fails because nothing in this series makes any fucking sense whatsoever, and just thinking about it is enough to give you a headache.
- Princess Sakura: The second main cross over character. Possibly the best gambler in the world. When the clone Syaoron turns on everyone, she turns into a whiny emo bitch and BAAAAWS herself to sleep waiting for him to come back.
- Syaoran: He's a martial artist with no abs, like most CLAMP characters. Just when he reaches puberty and realizes that Sakura can actually be useful, she goes and sprouts wings, then losing all of her pink feathers/memories. Syaoran decides to go through all the trouble of collecting the feathers with magic, even though he really couldn't care less about what happens to Sakura. He just has nothing better to do.
- Kurogane and Fay: One is a real man (which is saying something by CLAMP standards), and the other is a total fag. Because of this, they constantly bicker with each other. But since this is a CLAMP story, they obviously have HAWT yaoi sex off screen. You are masturbating to this, no exceptions.
- Toya and Yukito: See above.
- Yuuko: She's the dimensional witch, and the only character with tits in this story. When she's not partying her ass off drinking alcohol, she likes to bitch at Watanuki and order him around.She's going to die of liver poisoning.
- Mokona: It's hard to tell just what Mokona is. All we know is that he wont STFU, and that he has at least 100 secret powers. One is a vacuum cleaner (probably gives killer blowjobs), another is transportation, he can also translate practically anything, he can also talk to his nigger counterpart, and the rest probably involve sucking dick.
Basically Syaoron and Sakura live in the Kingdom of Clow living their boring happy lives. But unbeknown to them, Yukito, the generic "I know whats going to happen but am too lazy to stop it" character foresees that their rather cliche (and confusing) destinies will intertwine, but he doesn't do anything about it. The basic problem he foresees is that Sakura is an unfortunate victim of the infamous "main character god mode syndrome", which has the side effects of her having a ridiculously strong power within her, and that some generic bad guy (HE EVEN HAS A BEARD AND A MONOCLE FOR GOD SAKES!) wants this power for his own cliche intentions. So one night, Sakura looks at these ruins in the distance. But for some reason, this triggers her god mode complex, which causes her to go into a daze and float to the ruins. Eh, I guess it's better than the usual "generic bad guys, kidnap her" plot they could have used. But anyway, she somehow goes out of the daze, sees Syaoron there, they talk, she puts her hands on some pentagram like thing, a bunch of crazy shit happens, and then Sakura develops wings which break apart leaving her unconscious. Of coarse since this is a story, this summons an army of generic ninja dewds who invade the country. So Yukito, taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions, uses his magic to send Syaoron and Sakura to some distant place out of the generic ninjas harm, telling Syaoron to seek the this big breasted dimensional witch and ask her for help.
Meanwhile, in some other dimension, there's this bad ass ninja guy, who obviously has no relation to the generic ninjas, who is killing other ninjas. After he makes an awesome mess out of them, he reports to the princess of the country that he has completed the mission. However, the princess is displeased with his actions, as she only wanted him to keep them at bay. You know, because obviously ninjas must follow Naruto standards. He then starts bitching at her that he's a bad ass ninja, and that bad ass ninjas are supposed flip out and kill people. So instead of doing something more logical, she uses her magic to send him to a far away place, because apparently that will somehow make him have more respect for human life. Riiiight.
Then, as if the story has ADD, it switches to ANOTHER far away place in another dimension, where this mage has successfully sealed away some guy. I don't know. They don't explain it for a long time, and when they finally do, it doesn't make any sense at all. So he teleports away, running away from his actions, to a far away place, telling some catgirl to contact him once this guy wakes up and unseals himself.
Then conveniently, all four of these people meet up at the same place in front of the big breasted time witch herself. So the time witch explains to Syaoron that Sakura has lost her memories, and all her memories have been inconveniently scattered across the dimensions, and that she will never wake up if she doesn't get all of her memories back. After spouting a bunch of horseshit about "destiny", and how all four of them are looking for a common goal, and that she cant do this without them paying a price... OH FOR GOD SAKES IT GETS WAY TOO COMPLICATED FROM THERE! BLAH BLAH BLAH! SHE GIVES THEM THIS LITTLE FLUFFY GUY WHO CAN TRANSPORT FROM PLACE TO PLACE AND SENDS THEM ON THEIR WAY TO FIND SAKURAS FEATHERS BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Anyways, they go on a few rather interesting adventures, Sakura eventually wakes up but can't remember Syaoron, but then the story starts to suck. At this point, Syaoron starts having these weird moments, and starts to feel pain out of the eye he can't see with. Then the supposed REAL Syaoron is broken out of his cell by the generic bad guys main lackey. Of coarse when he finds out she broke him out, he kills her... yet somehow she comes back, probably due to some plot hole. So the real Syaoron comes to our heroes, tells the other Syaoron that he's a clone, and that after he was captured and cloned, he gave the clone a part of his heart so hopefully the clone would gain a sense of self, and now for some reason he wants it back. So once he gets it back, the clone Syaoron looses all sense of self, attacks Fay, gouges his fucking eye out, eats the eye, and transports to another dimension. So the real Syaoron, like Yukito, takes absolutely no responsibility for his actions, and decides to follow the group.
Around this point, most people stop reading, because right after Fay goes apeshit and kills Sakura, the writers obviously said "fuck this" and slapped the rest of the plot together, as nothing makes any sense after that. Currently, the Syaoran clone and Sakura clone are married, have a kid that is Syaoran but not, and nobody even cares anymore.
Get all that? In 2009, all this crazy confusing shit came to an end, and hopefully this mess of a storyline can be mostly forgotten for the rest of time.
Sakura Kinimoto and Li Syaoran from Cardcaptor Sakura grew up, got married, had secks, and bore a child named
Watanuki Syaoran. Somehow, the guy who created the magic cards in Cardcaptor Sakura had a daughter that looks just like Sakura Kinimoto. This leads us to the conclusion that Clow raped Sakura Kinimoto. Seeing as Sakura and Syaoran have the same mother, it means they are half-siblings AND lovers. This is the kind of shit that CLAMP faps to.
That was not confusing at all.
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