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John's ass cancer has spread to his liver. He'll be dead within a few years. We can only hope it doesn't take that long.
File:Bearded tb.jpeg
Yes, very suave.

John Bain (pronounced: John McCain), better known to the internets as: totalbiscuit, totalhalibut or teh cynical brit is a self-proclaimed "professional game commentator" and an accidental "game journalist". Biscuit's shtick consists mostly of attempts at making an inherently unfunny joke funny, having a boaboa tree up his ass and being overly British.

So that's what the English look like!

Since game reviewing itself can be critiqued under pretence of being extensively subjective, our good boy biscuit totally made up a profession of his own. That "profession" of his is "a game commentator". This way he can supposedly escape any and all criticism, since that "profession" implies that everything he says is a subjective opinion. Being good and righteous chaps that we are, we just can't let him get away with it, now can we?

A parallel to a sport commentator cannot be applied here. It's a remnant of old media and is essentially shit nobody cares about. That leaves a pundit as our only option. This implies a supposed extensive knowledge and expertise on the subject. However his "extensive knowledge” and “expertise” are general and self-explanatory to anyone who ever held a gamepad and/or mouse+keyboard combo in hands. So why is he getting this much attention again?

His "game commentaries" are void of any humour, but are of course full of pseudo-intellectual nonsense and the same shit that just keeps getting back to fill the air. What did you expect? The guy totally believes that iteration is the only means of providing quality. In essence that means that if you watched one of his videos you've pretty much watched them all. So stop wasting your time and get a life already!

Choose the picture that doesn't belong.


Game has no options menu. 0/10


TotalBiscuit "reviewing" a game

Don't delude yourself, he's still as annoying now as he was back then.
A well cooked cynical brit.

Are you really interested? Okay, you asked for it yourself. That guy owes EVERYTHING he has to Blizzard (WoW in particular) and the internets. Now he thinks he’s some sort of a big shot and that people have to listen to what he says. In fact even his (supposedly) good education couldn’t save his fat ass from starvation (I suppose when the internets expose him for the fraud that he is the only thing he can rely on to fight hunger will be his fat ass indeed). That’s all there is, no tragic story here, just like with every random internet nobody, move along.

Plea for tolerance

totalbiscuit, the prophet of the internets and the first coming of skynet telling us, dudes, to party on.

What John thinks science looks like.

In 2007 absolute bizkit posted his thoughts on religion and atheism in a vain attempt to make him come off as deep. Being an excessive case of tl;dr the said document is destined to change the world and the internets in particular and make us repent our evil ways. The enemies of the lulz immediately thought the internets were not ready for this masterpiece as both a product of human thought and oratory skills and deleted fucking everything at its source. Up to this day only two copies of that document remain on the internets. By reading this image breaking magnum opus you shall immediately proclaim everything you know as bullshit and become enlightened in ways only a smoked halibut is able to achieve.

Christianity is hate masquerading as love


random atheist

r/atheism is dumb masquerading as smart


random cynical brit

He does it too! He does it too!


—random 5-year-old

Did you know that...

Watch me, faggots!
Totally what tb wants the internets to look like

Gamedev, prince of Gamedark: tb or not tb, that is the question

Indies making sure to show how much they like biscuit's cock.

The relationship between TB and game devs has a highly hierarchic character that can be compared with food chain or a prison hierarchy with tcb somewhere in the middle. Refer to the entity relationship model to the right.

The everlasting cynical orgy.

One peculiar case happened with a shitty video game S.P.A.Z., the indies behind it sucked bain’s dick so hard that he turned totally gay on them (but really who questions that he was already gay to begin with?) and “starred” as a voice of the narrator. He shamelessly promoted S.P.A.Z. on his youtube channel in high hopes that someone would buy that piece of shit. Thus a never ending ghey 69 began... and never ended. The funniest thing is that halibut’s very pedantic about voice acting (other than his own of course) and by his own high standards he should totally trash himself not only as a shitty “game journalist”, but also as a shitty “voice actor”.

Hypocrite and Self-Deluded Whore

TotalBiscuit's greatest accomplishment is his seeming ability to disregard how hypocritical he is under the guise of being a "video game commentator". As discussed before, TotalBiscuit has no qualms about taking the money from developers in exchange of the use of his talents of brainwashing people and directing his zerg cult to buy their game. However, there are exceptions to the rule, such as EA, of whom TB has expressed great disdain for in what many would consider extreme bias. The hypocrisy of the matter is TotalBiscuit will gladly orgasm over games (not made by EA because he would be a sell-out duh) if he is paid well enough even if that said game shares the same faults (or worse) as games published by EA.

The most notable example of how self-deluded TotalBiscuit is about the authenticity of his journalism skills is the press he gave for Planetside 2. Planetside 2, a nerd's wet dream of Battlefield 3 meeting space lasers, is no secret of being TotalBiscuit's most favorite game ever. However, skeptics might think that TB's preference for the game begins and ends with the all-mighty dollar. TotalBiscuit's servicing of Planetside 2 began during its closed beta, continued through open beta, and culminated with the messy orgy which was the Ultimate Empire Showdown for which TB won first place for most dicks sucked in a single afternoon despite LevelCap's objectively stand-up performance. As might be expected with any whore, as soon as the money stopped coming the party stopped cummin' and TB slinked away to find his next suitable gentleman caller. TotalBiscuit's defense of this notion is he dated Planetside 2's sister, Planetside, a few years back which makes him definitely not a whore for blowing Planetside 2 for money (because he maintains he would've done it for free anyways).

Leaving his own subreddit because of criticism

Being a complete pussybitch John had enough of criticism, for his very unprofessional approach to things, and decided to whine about his sad pathetic life on a new reddit.

I'm a mentally broken person who likely can never be fixed. I hate myself



Press to read the entire reddit entry

Right. See this is what happens when I try and quietly remove myself from the situation, people just make it worse and worse and worse. There's no winning. So apparently I should have made a final post saying why I don't want to engage on this subreddit anymore, so here we go.
People like you are the reason I dread talking to my audience on a daily basis. A long time ago I used to love waking up, logging in and seeing what the viewers was saying, replying to their comments, doing the whole interaction thing. It was great. But that was a long time ago. Now everytime I post a Hearthstone video I have get anxiety over the amount of horrible comments it will get. It keeps me awake at night. I barely play the game now because of it. I used to play it for hours a day, now I only play it for videos, maybe an hour or two a week at most. I guess I've associated what was once a fun activity with constant complaining. Everytime I make a mistake I don't beat myself up about it because I made a mistake, I do it because I just gave people another avenue to complain and say things like "It was painful to watch" or "it was cringeworthy". I've heard so much of it I'm rolling in self-doubt and the only reason I keep that series up is because it pays well now. It used to be through passion for the game but the audience killed that.
But it's not just that. It's when the audience stomps on my principles. I think that's what hurts the most. I made a career out of trying to protect my audience from bad purchases. It's hardly saintly, its still just videogames on the internet, but whats a little light entertainment/info for you is MY LIFE. That's what I get up for every day now, that's what I live for. I work that job 6-7 days a week and I do it because I believe what I'm doing is helping, that it's making gaming better even if it's just a little. Ignoring your blatant misrepresentation for a second, when you say something like "It's not the devs fault there's bugs", or you go after me because I don't support early access and I want to be consumer-first, dev second, that isn't just a debate point, you're attacking the principles that are at the core of my day to day life. This sounds really dramatic but this is my life, this is ALL I DO. I only exist to do this right now.
I've read so many people with their "advice", oh... you should get a thicker skin! You should just ignore it! Those people have no idea of the volume of it all, or how constant it is, it never stops, it's day in day out 24/7, no end in sight noise. So many people talking at once... It's death by a thousand cuts. That thick skin isn't invincible, occassionally it buckles and when it does I tend to react badly. I'm not sure you actually understand just how fucked up I am. My hair is going grey, not to mention it's falling out. Yeah, my hair is grey at 29. Great right? I'm pretty sure I have chronic health problems that have been made far worse by stress. I'm even worried one of them might be life-threatening and I'm getting really paranoid about it. I fucking eat because I'm sad or angry or whatever, I have days where what should be a dream job is something I don't even want to think about doing. I'm seriously fucked in the head and I have been for a very long time. I CANNOT stop reading feedback. I can't just leave comments. I gave my Twitter to my staff months ago to try and stop me from reading it, which actually worked surprisingly. Turning off Youtube comments was great and for a while the subreddit was small enough and friendly enough that I could actually handle dealing with it. Now I dread reading it every morning and I CAN'T STOP MYSELF. God how many times have I tried to "get better?" over the last few years? Every time it's fucking failed, every time and I hate myself for it.
But do you know how much it hurts to read stuff like this? That I think my audience is irrelevant? I live for my audience. I put myself on the line for my audience. Right now my livelihood is under threat because I said what needed to be said to make sure my audience stayed informed. I give everything I've got on a daily basis to try and make my audience happy. So imagine how I feel when they lash out at me. Yeah, you're right, I should handle it better, but I can't. I mentally cannot, I'm a mentally broken person who likely can never be fixed. I hate myself everytime for that, way more than you could ever hate me for the things I say here. I kinda hoped that some people would realize when I did that piece on the Flappy Bird dev that there was more than a bit of my own personal issues in there. When I asked people to understand what it's like to get a bunch of attention you're not equipped to deal with that maybe a few people would realise but that's my fault, I should have just come right out and said it. I'm in a bad place physically, emotionally and mentally. I am not equipped to deal with my audience right now and frankly I should have deleted my account weeks ago so I can try to recover and not have individual viewers bear the brunt of that process.
You are not blameless but you are not the root of the problem either. Understand what it is you do to the people you apparently like. Everyone you like feels this way to a greater or lesser degree. Some people handle it better than others. I handle it terribly. I probably always will, so it's best I do what others in my position do and put a wall between the audience and myself to prevent further damage being done to both.
I've always been a believer that professionalism and worth speaks through your actions not your words. So I'm going to take away my words for a while so there's nothing else to drown out my actions.
Sorry if you expect a better person behind your daily videos. What you've got is a fucked up, sad, balding, overweight guy who is good at one thing and is lucky enough to do it for a living. I guess things were better when it was possible to maintain the illusion, but these days people demand unprecedented levels of access to the people they watch and this is what it gets them. Sorry you don't like what you see behind the curtain

Get Ass Cancer And Die

On April 30 2014, Totalbiscuit posted a VLOG on his channel, titled "My little problem", where he explains how he suffered from major ass pain for a whole year before going to the doctor to get it checked. After getting a pleasant colonoscopy, he learned that he has bowel cancer. People quickly rushed on reddit to post this video everywhere for karma and tell Totalbiscuit how brave he is and wish him the best, until an old tweet was discovered where he told someone to "get cancer and die".

TotalBiscuit Tells Seanza To Get Cancer And Die.jpg

get cancer and die



LOL, it spread to the liver

Because karma is a mean bitch, John thought he would escape cancer and death, but nope.avi. So his cancer has spread to his liver, and he will thankfully be dead within a few years. Too bad that the only pussy he ever got was a fat slut, whom he can't make pregnant as he is only able to fuck one of her fat-rolls. Enjoy your legacy being a dumb loudmouth on YouTube, who wished death upon others only to suffer that exact fate.

The fatso of a wife

Total Biscuit Wife 2.jpg

Before being a failed internet celebrity John found himself a whale weighing in at over 300 pounds when John first mounted her. He decided that he liked the blowhole so much, that he would marry it, despite not knowing if he fucked that or a fat flap.

Total Biscuit Wife 1.jpg
Yep, she is the fat one in the front.

See Also


Zoe Quinn/nav

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Featured article March 11 & 12, 2015
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Hatred (Video Game)
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