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    Tom Green

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    File:Tomsup.jpg
    Tom Green has been going to 4chan longer than you.
    File:Tom-Green who was pizza.png
    Tom gets a token of /b/'s appreciation.
    File:Tombreakdown.gif
    Tom Green's house on a good night.

    Tom Green is a Canadian-born, batshit insane Los Angeles-based comedian and innovator of lulz, going through a period of hell no performing artist would ever wish for themselves. Once a favorite of MTV-watching 13-year-old boys and Drag Queens, Green demoted himself, through frustration of being terminal fail with Hollywood, to performing his comedy on the internets. He is famous for marrying Drew Barrymore, and for divorcing her four months later. Green also performs hip-hop even though he is, by all accounts, Canadian.

    Green is also the last comedian to let cancer pwn his comedy career since the late Bill Hicks. During his time battling what became known as "The Cancer Ball Scare", Hollywood believed he was stricken with AIDS, and wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Since then, he has broken his leg in a Hollywood Hills skateboarding accident, published an autobiography that no one bought, and kept plugging along with his Internet TV show without a clue on how to market it better, despite the A-list guests/friends he invited to his house for his show. He pathetically streams his Internet talk show from his own living room since no major media market has the balls to put up any more money for Green, but are more than willing to support others who fail harder than Chevy Chase trying to be Johnny Carson.

    Green is currently doing hookers and blow with Carson Daly, thus leaving his internet show open to memes and hackers.

    Tom Green raids can be found on #tomgreen and 4chan and are mostly carried out by individuals who are butthurt that Green has achieved success as a glorified attention whore, whilst they still toil in their parents' basement.

    Tom Green Show (Original)

    File:Tom1992.jpg
    Tom Green circa 1992. Note the full head of hair.
    File:TomGreenusualexpression.jpg
    Tom Green having a seizure.

    Done back in his native homeland of Canadia, Tom Green started his show in 1994 on public access. It predated and was the main source of theft for Jackass. This show actually kicked a lot of serious ass, as Tom was once an IRL troll extraordinaire. Tom did crazy shit like slicing a rotting raccoon in half with a chainsaw in front of a live audience. The show featured a lot of content that would be censored in any other country such as bestiality, and swearing. Other lulz maneuvers of this show included:

    • Sucking on cow udders [1]
    • Humping dead animals [2]
    • Creating statues of his father beating/anally raping his mother [3]
    • Pissing off soccer moms by stealing the ball [4]
    • Saving his parents from a fire at 3 in the morning [5]
    • Turning his dad's car into "The Slutmobile" [6]
    • Making fun of cripples [7]
    • Fucking with the intercom in stores [8]
    • Attempting to play baseball encased in a bubble [9]

    Tom often created alter egos to do a variety of fucking awesome things:

    • Homeboy - A wigger who took an ax to a cow's head and proceeded to shuck the brains out with his bare hands to make a brain boat in a segment aptly titled "Cow Brain Boat". [10]
    • Burning Feet Man - A superhero who had a gasoline accident and decided to help mankind with his newfound power as a guide and beacon to the average citizen. [11]
    • Hockey Guy - A man who took his ice hockey to the street in full equipment, pissing off little skater faggots and making them squeak, "What's wrong with you!?" [12]
    • Cumdumpster - A woman trying to improve herself with various skin creams and inspiring young people all over. [13]
    • Scuba-Hood - A professional diver who works for the bank, stealing change from the poor (mall fountains) and giving it to the rich (the bank). [14]

    Horse

    During one episode, Tom Green put on a rubber horse head creating a legendary meme.

    His Monotonically Decreasing Career

    Tom Green Show (MTV version)

    He was picked up by SUPER-COOL XTREME MTV and moved his show to America in 1999. Unfortunately this show turned out to be a stripped down, censored, and basically fagged up version of the original.

    The New Tom Green Show

    Now if the MTV version wasn't shitty enough, he made a "New" show, which was his lame ass attempt at a talk show. Was probably the most unfunny show since Seinfeld. This is when Tom Green took a major nosedive.

    Cancer

    When the epic fail gods were about to descend upon him and put the banhammer on his show, Tom Green took drastic measures. In order to generate more lulz, he put his nutsack in a microwave. He did this so he could get cancer and televise it, since cancer was funny as hell. However, this stunt failed as hard as his marriage to Drew Barrymore did, so that today we pity the kids with cancer for reminding us of Tom Green.

    Marriage to Drew Barrymore

    Green's marriage to Barrymore was doomed from the start. Her asshole Hollywood friends (particularly her Charlie's Angels castmates) frequently snubbed Tom, Barrymore's erratic behavior was never full of lulz, and the coup de gras, a tabloid blurb of Drew liplocking a whore threw their relationship into complete divorce fail. Of course, Barrymore is not totally to blame, since Green was being too much of a cancerous-ball asspie to notice the damaged goods he was banging.

    • Mathematicians have argued that since he contracted cancer before he married Drew Barrymore that this period of his career was not truly monotonically decreasing. However, later calculations determined that marrying Drew Barrymore is indeed worse than contracting cancer, within a insignificant margin of error.'

    On August 26, 2008, at 2:10 PM EST, Tom (yes, the real Tom) posted the following message on the drewbarrymore.com forums:


       
     
    Hey gang. I posted a nice email here yesterday, but I guess it got deleted? I was just popping by to say how glad I am to see Drew on the web! I am myself really into the web. Just wanted to send some positive energy this way to all you Drew fans! I hope you guys and gals are all having a wonderful day!

    Tom Green
     


     
     

    Tom Green's House Tonight

    No longer a mainstream celebrity, Tom is now playing the Internet celebrity game by inviting his famous friends, washed-up celebrities and A-list stars (who always seem to feel out of place or jolted by having a talk-show backdrop in the middle of a living room) to appear on his show, which has produced a number of lulz.

    File:TomgreenNYPA.jpg
    Anonymous calls Tom out on his faggotry.

    In August 2008 Tom, desperate for ratings, decided it was a good idea to incessantly beg viewers to call and/or text their friends and get them to also tune in to his show. Many anons saw this for what it was: a personal army request, and had no qualms about spamming his email page with copypasta informing Tom that the internet is not his personal ratings army.

    ACHTUNG

    Tom always makes people wait for his show using an "Achtung" screen.

    During this period of time, Victor starts playing Duran Duran, NIN and Nigger Music™. Frustratingly, Victor always puts up the "Achtung" screen 1-17 hours before the show actually starts. It is rumored that during that period of time Victor rapes Asian men that he keeps in his basement.

    How To Sound Like A Sketchy, Insincere, Prankster

    This is a short lists of tips on how to ensure that Tom Green hangs up before you can possibly say anything of value or importance.

    • Say "uhh" between words, uhh, in awkward places.
    • Ask a bullshit attempt at a sincere question, you might as well have trolled.
    • Act nervous (like stage fright nervous, not starstruck nervous).
    • Immediately jump into your question, without the normal pleasantries, talk as quickly as possible!
    • Yell something retarded the second he says "Hello, you're on the air!"
      • This makes it exponentially harder for subsequent callers to gain Tom Green's trust. Way to be a team player, guy!

    Infamous List of Tom Green Raids

    08/16/06 Raid

    On 08/16/06, the /b/tards invaded Tom Green's call in show. Tom Green held up a sheet of paper reading B and put on an afro wig to accompany his suit. He also endured an hour of Desu spamming, "Pool's Closed", and "do a barrel roll!", all of which are popular 4chan memes.

    By the end of the show however, Green had had enough. He joined his guest in announcing "thanks to you assholes this will no longer be a call in show". The show immediately following Green, "Girl Talk", was also completely ruined by /b/. They were bombarded for three hours with "Osaka porn", "barrel roll", desu spam, "shoop da whoop" and other such memes that never were very funny anyway.

    Aftermath

    The "raids" were met with mixed feelings on /b/, there were those who were lolling out loud, and then there were those who criticized the action in a desperate attempt to uphold the /b/ SUPER SEKRET ELITE clique environment.

    07/12/07 - /b/reaking news!

    At 2AM EST on 7/12/07, Tom held the Tom Green Show "in the middle of the night" version. This followed a show the previous day where he hocked off a bunch of junk on eBay, then PMS'd at his camera operator before ending the show half an hour early. Tom appeared drunk and spent half the show ducking behind his desk and trying to rap. He got one prank call and afterwards was literally screaming "BARREL ROLL" and "MUDKLIFFS" at every caller. Evidently, he plans to hold late-night shows semi-regularly, and no trace of the show exists on his site.

    06/03/08 - Gentlemen

    Tom Green Sup b.jpg

    On 6/3/08 at approximately 1:04 AM Eastern Tom Green was "performing a meem" when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in his neighborhood, he performed the gentlemen "meem" flawlessly, but got in one little fight and his producer got scared when someone called him a fat nigger six times, and Tom again behaved like a pussy saying such lulzy phrases as, "I like meems," "meems are not cool after that," "You try to help people out, you screw around with someone that likes meems and whatever.........." Lulz most certainly ensued and whoever performed this raid should be congratulated.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVwT1KAQiJs BALEETED.

    SKIP TO 0:20


    Another Substitute vid for when Tom gets butthurt and DMCA everything on jewtube, again. SKIP TO 6:20

    06/17/08 - DICK-ROLL'D

    On 6/17/08 at approximately 1:57 AM Eastern Tom Green met a 19 year-old caller on Skype with his brother playing WOW. Tom eventually gained the caller's trust and decided to let him stay on the air and let some callers in. The first caller shouted, a "meme" which is frowned upon in the #tomgreen community, "FAT NIGGER, FAT NIGGER..." The second caller asked him about a time when a snake bit Tom Green and he did a barrel roll. Right after Tom Green responded to the third caller, the Skype caller put on a Guy Fawkes mask and eventually started to fap on camera. Tom immediately shat bricks after spotting the mask. Also Tom got severely butthurt over a caller inquiring about Drew Barrymore. It is rumored he became An Hero by overdose after hearing of this and Victor will be taking over the show. Unfortunately, this is unlikely, as he has recently resurfaced from his living room to appear on NBC.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHUSLT3VWMEs BALEETED.

    03/02/09 - Pizza Day

    File:Dominoes.jpg
    Fuck yeah, Domino's Pizza Tracker!
    File:Receipt.jpg
    Ordering pizza is fun.

    On March 2nd, 2009, Tom Green decided to order pizza for his friends David Faustino and Corin Nemec from Pizzaland. #tomgreen quickly decided to order a few pizzas, with a total cost of $79, to his house address. Tom receives the shitload of pizza live on his show and he begins to shit brix and claim that he never ordered the pizzas. But Tom, acknowledging this pranks high level of win, decides to eventually pay for and eat the pizza anyway.

    • Call to Pizzaland: [15]

    Tom's reaction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGYNOmdfNz8 BALEETED.

    3/30/09 to 4/01/09 - Tom's Countertroll or Mental Breakdown?

    Starting on Monday. March 30th, Tom Green's House took an odd twist, involving extended sessions of piercing, atonal saxophone playing. The first night was a successful troll on Tom Green's part, he essentially tricked hundreds of viewers into watching/listening with the expectation that he was would stop and take calls. The real surprise came the next day when he did it all over again, this time ending with Mr. Green screaming obscenities to the effect of "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK". And again the next day, this time with accompanied by a drummer from some band...

    This caused much speculation as to why Tom Green would sabotage his own show, seeing as he just added a pay service and is obviously hurting for subscribers. The general consensus among anon is that he is trolling and/or driving the would be "prankers" away, though the video suggests that Tom Green has simply gone the way of the batshit insane. TG may win this round, but just how long can he fuck his show up before he alienates the few people that actually give a shit. Time will tell.

    04/16/09 - Sushi bomb

    April 16th was looking to be a uneventful, skype-free day at Tom Green's House, TG had a small circle of friends on the show, including Warren G, a fatter version of Rob Schneider, a Bob Marley wannabe, and a fat nigger dubbed "saftey [sic] nigger". Everyone was drinking, Tom Green was singing karaoke, and the show went on commercial break every five fucking minutes, needless to say, Anon's morale was low.

    Finally, hope appeared in the form of a tripfag named "BBQ" who said that he had ordered $450+ of sushi to Tom Green's house, and gave an ETA of 45 mins. Well, about 45 minutes later and still no sushi, with Tom Green taking breaks between every shitty karaoke song, anon was afraid that BBQ was an epic troll or the sushi would arrive while they were on break. TG kept saying goodbye to everyone and the show seemed to be over when Tom was mysteriously called to the front door. Anon collectively shat a brick whilst the whores and some douchebag continued dancing around to Guns and Roses. Then it appeared, a conspicuous cart was wheeled into Tom's hallway and the show was cut short without explanation. Everyone congratulated BBQ and plenty of screencaps, audio clips, and a video rapidshit were posted to Ebaums/IRC. An audio clip of Doctor_Mudkip calling the sushi place after the sushi had arrived was later posted, proving BBQ was not a troll, and that sushi is SERIOUS BUSINESS.

    About an hour later, TG reappeared wearing a pauper's hat and eating a cheeseburger. It appeared that he was not disturbed in the least by the sushi-bomb (which he did not mention), the cheeseburger was evidence to the fact that he did not end up paying for it. TG continued performing some more horrible karaoke, said he would take some calls (which he didn't), then took "a break". This break turned into a show's over when Hal started the video loop back up...

    Crappy Quality, Sorry Guise - BBQ

    File:Sushi Call Aftermath.ogg Call that went down afterwords - Doctor_Mudkip

    4/21/09 - Tom get Meatspinned

    Someone looped some stickam camwhore on their skype feed, switched it to meatspin as soon as tom green answered the call.

    8/20/09 - Birthday Ladderroll

    Tom was going to kickstart his birthday by hosting an episode with a new developed "Skype Machine Team". Threads and irc channels were made on how people were going to troll his show, but only a few anons got through. The first offered to sing the fat nigger song, and the third chose to take a bath and gargle cum while on the air. The second anon however, Richard Waxner, was awarded nine internets and a nomination for troll of the year for putting on a charade for five minutes, and then masturbating on a ladder.

    Tom's Legal Reaction

    After being bombarded by pizza men, strippers, hookers, and most importantly people from Craigslist Tom Green decided to use legal action against 4chan. He also claims to know about your HTML address and has hired several computer forensics personnel to help cleanse his show.


       
     
    Also to the prankers out there. A quick note I wanted to pass along. I like you guys and your attitude. But anything that goes too far will be addressed legally. We have already been in touch with the Cyber crimes division of the FBI and we have a computer forensics expert now on the case. Any threats or illegal behavior will be prosecuted to the fullest extent. And guess what?! We are now able to obtain anybodies IP address. Even on supposed websites where you think those IP addresses are blocked... guess what? They are not. So lets keep it cool and have some fun, because I really don't want anyone to get into trouble because of our little show. I know sometimes when you are young you can end up making decisions in the moment that you later regret. Consider it a warning. We have a very serious computer forensics team on the case starting today. You will be found and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Keep it cool. Go prank CSpan and send me the tape. You guys rock! All of you! Even the guys at /B/... I love you guys. Funny shit.

    TG
     


     
     

    Tom Green's full blog post: [16]

    Tom vs Don

    Tom's super cereal outfit.

    As of Last Thursday Tom tried to be a Super Awesome business guy on The Donald's Epic show The Celebrity Apprentice. Tom Epically Failed at this job and was fired.

    Tom was supposed to lead a team on selling wedding dresses, but he thought that that was too cereal, and decided to wear the dresses instead. He was also supposed to lead a team of half-wits in decorating an empty room. The only black person on the team thought the only reasonable thing to do was invite some Hookers to the scene and eat fried chickens all day. Meanwhile, an All Female team was selling All of the shit the Don told them to sell. Unfortunately the Don was still mad they got out of the kitchen, and gave them a good old fashioned pimp slap for it.

    At the end of the day, the Don Evaluated the two teams. The wymen's team sold over 9000 dollars worth of wedding dresses to FatStupidAmericunts. While the men's team sold under 90,000 dollars worth of silly cloth. The Wymen celebrated in the kitchen, while the men were in "The Board Room". Tom knew he was going to be fired, so he blamed the only nigger on the team. They had a not so epic battle of fisty-cuffs, and in the end, the nigger won. Tom frowns on his epic failure, while the Don and the Nigra party with the Hookers that were seen earlier in the show. And nothing of importance was lost.[17]

    Tom Green's Resultant Butthurt

    The week immediately following the airing of Celebrity Apprentice was a bitter one. Tom Green asked all of his callers whether they watched Celebrity Apprentice. The callers hesitantly said "Yes" (and thought, "No, we're not a bunch of faggots"). This would immediately send Tom on a level-headed, dignified monologue concerning his feelings about the show and its participants. He thanked the callers for calling, even though they didn't say anything, then continued to call everyone associated with the show big meanies. His rant built up velocity without really going anywhere, it reached its apex when he begin asking callers if they would let Jesse James give them a rimjob "cause that's what he does, right?" At this point Tom Green realized that he had made a royal ass of himself. He then addressed the camera, said he was just joking, and pleaded with Jesse James not to kill him...

    Until he eventually started talking about it again and the embarrassing cycle began again, ad infinitum. No Tom, "rimjob" is only funny because it is offensive, it's over man, just let it go.

    PROTIP: TOM ENJOYS TALKING ABOUT THIS!!! CALL HIM AND TELL HIM YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE MATTER.

    Gallery

    A Few Recorded Calls

    Tom Green Show

    • [18] Tony Hawk did a barrel roll
    • [19] Madness? THIS! IS! 4CHAAAAAN!
    • [20] Tom Green gets goatse'd. <-- Pause at 1:07. How the fuck has YouTube not removed this yet? BALEETED.
    • [21] Goatse'd again. Same thing, different anon. BALEETED.
    • [22] Tom Green gets called a fat nigger, ends the show and says, and I quote, "No one will evar hear this, nevar again!!" BALEETED AGAIN
    • [23] Tom butthurt level reaches under 9,000 and threatens to take the prank callers to COURT.

    Girltalk

    Links

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