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The Unknown Autobot
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The Unknown Autobot, a.k.a. Anthos the Crimson Impulse, (powerword Anthony Christian Bapst, born November 29th, 1982) is a fine, upstanding net citizen who can primarily be found on YouTube, most well known for his flamboyant dress sense, his over-inflated sense of his own self-importance and his virulent, genocidal hatred of trolls.
The genesis of The Unknown Autobot can be traced to an individual known as The Troll Hunter – a wannabe Chris-chan troll, famed for his theatrical style and dress. At some point, The Unknown Autobot saw one of the Troll Hunter's videos and decided that this was just the sort of caper he wanted in on, but that he'd take everything the Troll Hunter had done and turn it up to eleven. Putting on an even more ridiculous hat and an even more ridiculous coat, he stormed onto YouTube, proclaiming himself an internet vigilante and hunter of trolls - no longer was he just another fat, lazy aspie with way too much time on his hands, now he was Anthos the Crimson Impulse, the Autobot corsair!
However, unlike his inspiration; the Troll Hunter, who would routinely turn to his audience and throw them a knowing wink that he wasn't really taking any of this seriously, Anthos the Crimson Impulse, in his Asperger's-addled mind, thought that being a trollbuster on YouTube is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.
He was, of course, incorrect in this assumption.
- 1 Videos
- 2 Motivation
- 3 Fursona (Or 'Mechsona', As The Unknown Autobot Prefers)
- 4 The Unknown Autobot IRL
- 5 Illustrious Career As A Failtroll
- 6 Declaration of Leadership of the Trollbusters and the Usurpation of the Troll Hunter's Throne
- 7 A Challenger Appears
- 8 Nelly and the Sextape
- 9 How To Make Your Own Unknown Autobot Costume
- 10 Gallery
- 11 Anthos Discovers His ED Page
- 12 Dox
- 13 External Links
- 14 See Also
The average video posted to YouTube by the Unknown Autobot saw our hero sitting in a darkened basement, surrounded by toys, usually, though not always, with a homemade poster depicting a Trollbuster coat-of-arms sellotaped to the wall behind him, often crookedly.
—Anthos the Crimson Impulse, teaching us how to say 'Hello' in the language of spergs.
He then proceeded to ramble on about various, uninteresting topics, lecturing his followers on the finer points of fighting the troll menace, but, every now and then, he'd perform an unfunny 'verbal assassination' against a popular soft target on YouTube, such as Chris-chan or Jared Milton in a way similar to a certain other fat, troll shielding basement-dwelling loser with Asperger's syndrome and a taste for ridiculous hats.
Occasionally, The Unknown Autofag would venture outside of his parent's basement and make a video in a public place, such as a park or in restaurant. Because he has no shame, he would still wear his ridiculous outfit in these videos which are typified by even worse sound quality than his usual output.
—The Unknown Autobot on being an Internet superhero.
Despite his claims of altruism, the actual motivation behind Anthos' declaring himself a champion of those who are rightly persecuted on the Internet for their obvious faggotry – the furry, the weeaboo, the brony – is actually because he himself is all three of those things and recognises that, because of this, he is ripe for mockery. Like all aspies, incapable of feeling empathy for others, he cares only about such persecution when it directly affects him. The Unknown Autobot seeks to make himself a martyr and a hero for his own kind, rallying like-minded faggots to his banner as his personal army, but lacking the necessary charisma to do such a thing, he couldn't finish the job.
—The Unknown Autobot.
Interestingly, for someone who's wish it is to wade into battle with the faceless legions of trolls and cyberbullies, The Unknown Autobot freely offers a surprisingly vast amount of embarrassing personal information for potentially anybody on the Internet to discover. Indeed, much of this material is just a quick Google search away. Don't believe us? Go check on Google right now and see for yourself. We'll be here waiting.
As such, it didn't take long for his FurAffinity account to be discovered and all the delicious lulz therein to be leaked to those of less than honorable intentions, who were swift to mock the foolish Autobot corsair for his faggotry.
Like all furries, Anthos is no stranger to pointless drama. The juiciest prime cuts from Anthos' lulz-bloated FurAffinity account are proudly displayed in the following gallery for your delectation, dear reader. If you want to keep up with and/or contact our favorite red-coated sperg, this is your best bet as he's been MIA since he got fired from Wendy's.
Fursona (Or 'Mechsona', As The Unknown Autobot Prefers)
In the grand tradition of Sonichu and other original characters created by aspie basement dwellers, Anthos the Crimson Impulse, as The Unknown Autobot likes to be called, is a composite character mashed together, Frankenstein-like, out of various other copyrighted characters from various different franchises that The Unknown Autobot enjoys, in the mistaken belief that by combining several things that are awesome on their own, the result will be even more awesome than the sum of its parts, as opposed to resembling something that the 1980s took a shit on.
However, unlike Chris-chan who at least had the decency to stop at combining two copyrighted characters into one whole to make his original creation, The Unknown Autobot crams about six or seven seperate things into one character, adding more elements as and when he discovers something new that he thinks is kewl.
As such, The Unknown Autobot's mechsona, Anthos the Crimson Impulse, is supposedly a forever youthful 250 year old Cybertronian Autobot space pirate/timelord/Toy Soldier/
power ranger super sentai/Jedi knight/anthropomorphic gundam with silver, metallic skin and long white hair wearing a red trenchcoat stolen from Dante off of Devil May Cry and the red sunglasses of Kamina from Gurren Lagann, who can do magick and wields an enchanted sword from Soul Calibur and the gun of that faggot from Torchwood. As well as running his own furry strip club/brothel, La Zona Sicura, Anthos is also quite the ladies' man with a predilection for fucking the furry equivalents of fat chicks, fembois, little kids and even his own flesh and blood.
The Unknown Autobot IRL
As is invariably true of all furries and their fursonas, there is a great deal of disparity between Anthony Christian Bapst, the real-life person and Anthos the Crimson Impulse, the heroic, swashbuckling Transformer buccaneer who raids Decepticon ships in his Super Ultra TARDIS-Zord by day and sleeps with his harem of beautiful, bishounen fembois and BBWs by night... Or whatever the fuck it is The Unknown Autobot wishes he was.
IRL, however, Anthony (who, incidentally, hates being called 'Anthony', seriously, call him that and watch him flip shit) hails from the state of Michigan and is the archetypical nerdy forever alone failure that you are terrified of becoming and probably have frighteningly more in common with than you'd like to think. An overweight, greasy-haired, 33 year old manchild with a double-chin who still lives with his parents in a basement full of Transformers action figures and other brightly coloured plastic crap. He claims to be bisexual, but it is thought this is more due to him being so desperate he'll take what can get, where he can get it, rather than any real sexual preference. Additionally, Anthony claims that he "chose" to be bisexual, rather than it having been an implicit trait in him. Amusingly, Anthony's father, Alan, ignorant of his son's bisexuality, is apparently quite homophobic, so should Anthony ever come out to him and admit his love of the cock, he is more than likely to be disappoint, if he isn't already, having to realize this loser is the fruit of his loins.
Like most nerds, Anthony gives himself far too much credit for how intelligent he actually is and speaks of things as though he is a figure of immense learning and authority, even when all he is delivering to his audience is common knowledge in a smug, self-important tone of voice, as well as peppering his vocabulary with obscure and archaic words and phrases, thinking that by doing so he will make himself sound intelligent and worldly, despite the fact that he frequently misuses/mispronounces those same words. Anthony has also claimed to have an IQ of 150.
A frequent visitor of the sperg's nest known as TV Tropes (although it should be noted he doesn't have an account on there), he is also known to frequently use the trope names from that site in every day speech, which is fucking ghey. He will sperg about
Power Rangers super sentai, Swat Kats, My Little Pony and countless other shows, and assumes that others have them committed to memory just as he does, becoming offended if they tell him that they don't like them. In situations where others are having serious discussions that he is uninterested in, he will frequently get annoyed and attempt to abruptly turn the conversation back to one of his few interests.
As is often the case with nerds who like to talk shit on the Internet to appear cool and badass, Anthony likes to tell people that he was in the U.S. Navy and; in his case, this is partly true. However, whereas Anthony would have people believe he was a heroic marine who's tour of duty included fighting Somalian pirates and cool shit like that, in actual fact, he was nothing more than a lowly cook who spent his days in the bowels of the USS Curtis Wilbur, peeling spuds (and occasionally, shoving them up his ass), before getting dismissed for "insubordination", most likely meaning a refusal to follow simple instructions like "quit dicking around with cartoons and get back to work" or "don't sleep with prostitutes". Anthony was stationed in Yokosuka, Japan (not meeting girls who were disgusted by him) on base greasing up the "Third Deck", a shit hole where aspies like Anthony would game. There he constantly claimed to be the Head Nerd (or some stupid shit like that) and was tormented even by the likes of other aspies.
He then went on work at the fast food restaurant, Wendy's, (just like Chris-chan) earning minimum wage,
where he works to this day from which he got dismissed in late December for being caught looking up gay furry porn on FurAffinity while he was using their free wi-fi. Really, you can't make shit like this up. It is claimed that he cashed in his retirement fund to buy more toys, but this has yet to be confirmed - given The Unknown Autobot's predilection for childish things, though, it doesn't seem unlikely.
Like most lonely and unattractive single men, Anthony is also known to waste a lot of his money in strip clubs, where the abundance of naked female flesh gives him the illusion of being popular with women - his favorite being Déjà Vu, a gentlemen's club in Lansing, Michigan that he attends dressed in the same ridiculous trollbuster get-up he wears in his YouTube videos. He even naively believes many of the strippers who work there are in love with him, just like one of his Japanese animes - apparently unaware of the fact that strippers will often affect a flirtatious attitude and feign an interest in anything their customers have to say in order to secure a larger tip.
Illustrious Career As A Failtroll
Like his liege, the Troll Hunter, The Unknown Autobot/The Autobot Corsair/Anthro the Crimson Furfag/whatever you want to call him has also had a stab at trying to attract the attentions of the infamous autistic manchild, Christian Weston Chandler.
However, unlike the Troll Hunter, who had the good sense to merely make YouTube videos and hope that Chris would see them and contact him of his own free will, so as not to step on the toes of any trolling that might potentially be ongoing, The Unknown Autobot believed that to secure a place in the cool kid's retard trolling club and put himself and his nerdy, childish and perverse hobbies out of the firing line, the hand of fate would have to be forced.
To this end, he devised a letter to Chris-chan at around about the same time that Chris, drunk with power and filled with aspie smugness at his acquisition of the dox of his various tormentors, was extorting the trolls into leaving him alone, although when Chris received the letter, his father Robert Chandler had recently and tragically passed away.
Anthos' letter, reproduced here for posterity, seeks to inform Chris that the details and the dox he had received about his trolls was false and that he had been deceived, instructing him to throw his lot in with Anthos the Crimson Impulse and his Trollbusters and sail under their banner, letting them deal with the trolls for him.
However, as veteran CWC trolls and longtime followers of Chris-chan's antics will tell you, the Chris of today is not the painfully naive, gullible manbaby of 2007 who'd believe anything told to him by anyone, having evolved into a somewhat different, though admittedly still thick-as-pigshit animal after having been stung time and time again by the trolls and their wicked schemes. Indeed, the Chandler family are assailed every day by wannabe epic ween faggots who've only just discovered the Chris-chan ED article and, seeking to carve a name for themselves alongside Clyde Cash, Surfshack Tito and the troll legends of old, have totally original and awesome ideas, such as calling Chris’ house and bellowing “JUUUUULAAAAAY!!!” down the phone at him.
Through Pavlovian conditioning, Chris has learnt that the Internet brings him nothing but stress and pain and dirty crapped briefs and as such, has become a paranoid shell of his former dopey, outgoing self. Had The Unknown Autobot succeeded in his little plan, it might've severed the only link that the trolls currently have to Chris-chan, thus depriving the Internet of more lulz at the manchild's expense, just so that he could've become an epic ween troll, taking advantage of the manchild in his darkest hour.
Fortunately, however, it is likely Chris took one look at the stupid Autobot skull and crossbones logo in the top left-hand corner of the letter he’d received, noted that there was no return address and thought, “How slow-in-da-mind does this trollin' stupid moron think I am?”
Chris passed the letter along to archtroll, Thorg, with whom he was in tenuous negotiations, who later leaked it to /cwc/, who proceeded to laugh and facepalm in equal measure at Anthos' pathetic attempt at trolling.
When informed of his failure by the real trolls, particularly that he had been outsmarted by Chris-chan, a man widely regarded to be the stupidest person on the whole Internet, Anthos flew into a ferocious tardrage and accused the dang dirty PVCC of being elitists who, in his own words, 'guard the manchild like a jealous lover'. And not a single fuck was given that day.
Since being thwarted in his attempts to troll Chris-chan, the Unknown Autobot, butthurt about not being allowed his own saga, has stepped up his trollbusting operations.
Declaration of Leadership of the Trollbusters and the Usurpation of the Troll Hunter's Throne
On October 17th, 2011, shortly after the news broke of the passing of Chris-chan's elderly father, beloved Internet lumberjack, Bob Chandler, The Troll Hunter reappeared on YouTube. In a video entitled Condolences and Gifts, he expressed his sympathies for Chris-chan and his family at this difficult time.
This was the first video the Troll Hunter had made after a long hiatus, which we can only assume he had spent not caring about trivial, dumb and pointless shit on the Internet and actually having a life. However, not all of the Troll Hunter's followers were happy about his absense from YouTube, as we shall see...
—The Unknown Autobot on why owning a red trenchcoat and being a loudmouth douche makes him perfect leader material.
In a typical display of overwhelming ego and hunger for power however insignificant, The Unknown Autobot seized his chance to overthrow the Troll Hunter as the leader of the Trollbusters by making a video in which he appears by the side of a lake, being honked at by irritated geese as he harshly chastises his former inspiration and mentor for not spending his every waking hour on the Internet prancing around dressed in a stupid costume and claiming that, because he does just that, he is far more deserving of the post of leader of the Trollbusters than the Troll Hunter.
For his part, the Troll Hunter, perhaps embarrassed by the faggotry he had inadvertently spawned, humbly stepped aside and let the redcoated buffoon take up the mantle of leadership, no doubt glad to be rid of its association with losers like The Unknown Autistic and happy to let him play the role of King Faggot from now on.
It should also be noted that since The Unknown Autobot took the crown, the Troll Hunter has been mostly silent save for a video about not fucking deer.
Recently, a mysterious stranger has appeared on the scene, going by the name of TV's Brad Pitt, a.k.a. Lobster Shoulders. This shadowy character claims to be a figure from Anthos' past and former trusted friend of the leader of the Trollbusters and, if his claims are to be believed, he is privy to all sorts of embarrassing secrets that The Unknown Autobot would no doubt prefer to keep clandestine.
Mirroring one of the videos (thus allowing anybody who hadn't already seen TV's Brad Pitt's video to see it and hear all the claims made therein), Anthos spliced in various unrelated audio and video clips, using them in place of a reply, not actually bothering to refute nearly any of it - either by not responding at all with a series of video clips, as if to say, "You want me to be mad, but I'm not!" or avoiding the question. When called on being a 'ponyfucker', for example, he didn't say that he didn't want to have sex with ponies, but instead attacked Lobster Shoulders on the basis that he was somehow claiming all bronies want to have sex with ponies and children.
It is worth noting also that, in this video, Anthos does not deign to appear on camera, nor does he provide a voiceover, relying instead upon reaction images, video and audio clips and scrolling text to get his point across. This seems to suggest that Anthos was only able to reply to the video via text, because appearing on video or in a voiceover would've made his anger and butthurt obvious and imply that Lobster Shoulders' claims were, indeed, true.
When trolls confronted him with this, Anthos replied that he wanted to respond immediately and having him appear on camera would mean putting on his costume and that it would take too long, so it was quicker for him to respond via text. When it was pointed out that, if time was an issue, he had the choice of either donning his costume and talking into a camera for, say, five minutes or so, or going to the trouble of copying the video he was responding to, finding appropriate audio and visual clips, painstakingly editing them together and adding text and music, a process that would've taken potentially hours of work, Anthos flew into a rage yet again, his argument in tatters.
On November 16th, 2011, The Unknown Autobot, finally taking the hint that ignoring him wouldn't work, uploaded the following video to YouTube. In it, Anthos does not show his face on camera, instead choosing to use clips from My Little Pony and other cartoons to express how he feels. Stuttering and noticeably upset, Anthos provides a voiceover, seeking to make amends for his mistakes and also attempts once more to give TV's Brad Pitt a dressing down and debunk his claims.
While, at this point, the veracity of Lobster Shoulders' claims cannot be verified, rest assured that ED will bring you more on this story as it develops...
Nelly and the Sextape
—Anthos to Nelly.
Of late 2011, Anthos had been in contact with Nelly, a gay Norwegian who told Anthos that he would have buttsecks with him. Anthos fell in love with Nelly and the two of them had beautiful phone sex together.
In truth, Nelly was no less then a troll from PVCC making Anthos do digusting things for their amusement. On the 19th of July, the first batch of Anthos calls were leaked. Then, on the 30th of July, more videos were uploaded which included Anthos having sweet, sweet phone sex with Nelly. The sextapes were later uploaded but taken down despite the fact that they were censored.
The PVCC has yet to comment on the recent leaks but inside reports say that they are nothing short of buttdestroyed.
In the leaked sex tape, linked to above, it takes Anthos a grand total of 40 seconds to jerk his corkscrew shaped dick to climax. This is both funny and pathetic.
There is another video floating around the tubes but apparently all it is is Anthos jerkin' it close up to the camera where you can hear his dick snapping due to the unusal way he masturbates.
—Anthos to his 'lil cutie' Nelly.
How To Make Your Own Unknown Autobot Costume
One of the most striking things about The Unknown Autobot is his hilarious dress sense which he, amusingly, mistakenly believes makes him look like one of them cool characters from one of his yellow-belly Japanese moon-rune cartoons, but in actual fact, merely serves to make his fail immediately obvious to everyone around him. If you want to make your own Unknown Autobot costume for Halloween, you will need...
A cheapAn over-priced, shitty, red trenchcoat based on that of your favourite animu hero. There are plenty of them available on eBay from Singapore based companies, generally retailing at around $750, although he got his from Museum Replica for around $100. Though this might seem like a lot of money to blow on a coat, don't worry, because you still live with your parents and don't have to worry about paying rent or any boring grown-up stuff like that, like getting a job.
- A silk-screened Goku shirt.
- Gloves, ideally fingerless, so that you can look like your heroes, the SWAT Kats, as well as allowing you to fap over My Little Pony without having to go to the trouble of taking them off. Bonus points if they don't match your shitty red trenchcoat, showing you have the fashion sense of a Japanese schoolgirl.
- Assorted badges and pins with video game iconography on them.
- A pair of goggles to show everyone how steampunk you are and so that nobody can tell that you're reading from a script you've prepared beforehand on your computer screen.
- A cowboy hat, just like those worn by Max Hardcore or those two faggots from Brokeback Mountain.
- A metal Naruto headband wrapped around the hatband of your cowboy hat, onto which you’ve pinned a crappy, homemade Autobot logo made from craft foam.
- A Yawning Squirtle medallion, cunningly fashioned out of Crayola Fuckin' Model Magic and acrylic paint. Ideally, you should spend the better part of a day crafting this item, modelling it, painting it, baking it in the oven, varnishing it and generally ensuring a high level of craftsmanship – y’know, to prove how stupid and pathetic Chris-chan is by doing such a thing. Even if the rest of your outfit doesn’t work out, proudly wearing your medallion will instantly prove to all present what a cool guy you are.
- A sonic screwdriver, just like Doctor Who, with which to gesticulate in your videos and insert deep into your anus in the privacy of your own bedroom while your parents are asleep. Can't let them know you're the bisex, lest those damn dirty trolls call your father and let him know.
- A toy gun, painstakingly repainted to look like a real weapon using paints obtained from your local Games Workshop. The trolls will doubtless be terrified of you, thinking you’re packing heat.
- A boffer sword from your days as a LARPer.
- A whiny, nasal voice that makes you sound like a bee trapped in a jar.
- A stutter that makes you sound like a five-year-old who got sent to the principal's office.
Anthos Discovers His ED Page
Hours after this fine article went live, Anthos posted an amusing update to his journal on FurAffinity, cursing Encyclopedia Dramatica and the dang dirty trolls. Not content with that, though, he then proceeded to flounce onto his favorite website, NeoMonsterIsland to bitch about it there as well, attempting, in typical furfag fashion, to raise an army to do his fighting for him, which almost got him permabanned from the website.
He even made a clumsy attempt at blanking this article, hoping, no doubt, to shield his fail from the eyes of the world, but, like everything else The Unknown Autobot has ever attempted, this also failed miserably because vandalism is pointless on a wiki.
And so, we see quite clearly from this gallery that, when confronted with any kind of active resistance, Anthos' response is to run and hide while throwing anybody he can in the way, hoping that his adversaries will eventually tire of the chase and leave him be - actions rather unbefitting of someone who fancied himself a fearless knight errant, pirate captain and hunter of trolls. At least Chris-chan threatened to break someone dead, which therefore makes Anthos worse than Christian Weston Chandler.
As we've seen, for someone so sworn in their pursuit of Internet trolls and cyberbullies, The Unknown Autobot makes little to no attempt to conceal his potentially embarrassing or private personal information. His dox are no exception.
Bearing in mind that his surname 'Bapst' is a very unusual one, it wouldn't be unfair to assume he'd be easy to find. Indeed, a quick search of Whitepages.com reveals that there is only ONE Anthony Christian Bapst located in the United States. And, like The Unknown Autobot, he lives in Michigan. Of course, any faggot would know this just by doing some reading on his FurAffinity journal, where he posts his real name several times in those stupid chain questionaires that you know you did back when your ass had AOL. Oops.
- Full Name: Anthony Christian Bapst
- Address: 6870 Lakeview Dr, Bellevue, MI 49021-9486
- Telephone Number: (517) 543-3856
- MSN: [email protected]
- PayPal Account: [email protected]
- FurAffinity Forums
- Neo Monster Island Profile
- Instant Cast Profile
- ShutoCon 2012 Forums Profile
- The Troll Hunter - Former leader of the Trollbusters, before he was overthrown by The Unknown Autobot.
- Dangerman - Another IRL superhero that Anthos admires. In
Anthos' own wordswords he lifted straight from TV Tropes, 'The Blue Oni to my Red Oni'.
- The Net Dwellers
- Trying too hard
- Unwarranted self-importance
- Troll shielding
- Cyber Police
- Don't feed the trolls
- Real Life Super Hero
- Doctor Who
- My Little Pony
- Christian Weston Chandler
- Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto - a version of The Unknown Autobot from a parallel dimension and an alternate timeline who was inspired by Hellsing920 and That Guy With The Glasses instead of The Troll Hunter.
|The Unknown Autobot is part of a series on Internet Humanitarianism|
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