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    The Sims

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    The Sims, which includes:
    The Sims: Livin' Large (called Livin' It Up by Britfags), The Sims: House Party, The Sims: Hot Date, The Sims: Vacation (called Holiday by Britfags), The Sims: Unleashed, The Sims: Superstar, The Sims: Makin' Magic, The Sims 2, The Sims 2: University, The Sims 2: Nightlife, The Sims 2: Open For Business, The Sims 2: Pets, The Sims 2: Seasons, The Sims 2: Bon Voyage, The Sims 2: FreeTime, The Sims 2: Apartment Life, The Sims 2: Family Fun Stuff, The Sims 2: Glamour Life Stuff, The Sims 2: Happy Holiday Stuff, The Sims 2: Celebration! Stuff, The Sims 2: H&M Fashion Stuff, The Sims 2: Teen Style Stuff, The Sims 2: Kitchen and Bath Interior Design Stuff, The Sims 2: IKEA Home Stuff, The Sims 2: Mansion and Garden Stuff, The Sims 3, The Sims 3: World Adventures, The Sims 3: Ambitions, The Sims 3: Late Night, The Sims 3: Generations, The Sims 3: Pets, The Sims 3: Showtime, The Sims 3: High-End Loft Stuff, The Sims 3: Fast Lane Stuff, The Sims 3: Outdoor Living Stuff, The Sims 3: Town Life Stuff, The Sims 3: Master Suite Stuff, The Sims 3: Katy Perry Sweet Treats, The Sims 3 Supernatural, The Sims 3 Diesel Stuff, The Sims 3 Seasons(yet again), The Sims 3 70's 80's and 90's Stuff, The Sims 3 University Life, The Sims 3 Island Paradise, The Sims 3 Movie Stuff, The Sims 3 Into the Future, The Sims 4 etc., etc., is a game franchise developed at least 100 years ago by a four-eyed neckbeard by the name of Will Wright, who made a living shitting out game after game with "Sim" added to a given thing as a prefix. The Sims in all its bloated glory is enjoyed by fat neckbeards, teen girls and all timewasters in between. The game offers you everything you could never have IRL, including fast cars, hot sexxorz with wimmins after they bring you sammiches, fucktons of cash and a mansion with a swimming pool (and that's assuming you could actually play the game properly). However, the vast majority of "Simmers", as Sims fans call themselves, can barely figure out how to even make the game run due to the malware (SecuROM, which EA got on its knees and blew Sony for) that shipped with the game disks and came with the direct download versions.

    Gameplay

    File:Sims2.jpg
    ROFL look @ the IRL-style reactions.
    File:Iizinurgame.jpg
    If you think your Sims are annoying and uncontrollable, try out the pets!

    Imagine, if you will:

    You wake up hungover on the floor of your living room on Sunday morning. You look for your phone and your wallet but it seems you lost them last night. You feel a distinct itch at your crotch: looks like that bitch last night gave you the crabs. You hear a knock at your door: it's the police. Turns out she was only 14 and her parents are pressing rape charges. Oh, and by the way, she's pregnant too. You're pretty much fucked, aren't you? Then to cap it all off, you repeatedly piss yourself, stand in the resulting puddle and cry like a little bitch.

    Imagine that, and you are experiencing the comedy and non-stop fun of "The Sims". The mechanics of the game are simple enough to appeal to old men and even the most whorish of 16 year old girls when they can tear themselves away from MySpace getting pwned on Facebook. The best description of The Sims is a cross between Shit Boring and Real Life minus the Real part. The main appeal of the game is having to work 8-10 hours a day at a repetitive, dead-end IRL-style job in order to feed your needy, IRL-style family members in a draining cycle whose only incentive is the hope of saving up enough money to take an IRL-style vacation or sending your IRL-style spawn to an IRL-style college. An added appeal is the inability of your sims to perform basic tasks, such as eating and toilet-time, without your assistance. For example, if you tell your sim to get in the kitchen and turn your head away for 5 seconds, you will find your sim pwning herself with fire.

    How to Play

    1. Click on an object
    2. Select an instruction
    3. Swear loudly as you realize your Sims are too retarded to carry out the instruction properly
    4.  ?????
    5. Profit!



    One of the many ways to torture sims.
    The only real way to play the game.

    The Sims Communities

    File:Sims2toilet.jpg
    In the world of Sims 2 custom content-makers, this is a toilet.

    Sims communities are The Sims's contribution to the internets. Ultraforums, such as The Sims Zone, allow Sims gamers to download extra IRL-style features for their Sims game, share IRL-style Sims experiences with fellow Sims gamers, and other IRL-style aspects which can be found outside of a Sims gamer's home, IRL.

    File:Sims2rape.JPG
    A typical story found on the Sims2 Exchange. RapeMama's daughter is most likely a Mary-Sue.

    The Sims 2 official site is obviously the largest of the Sims' communities, probably because it is official. At this particular site, one can find such exciting things as the BBS and the exchange. Once a place of epic trolling by people bored with the sims, the BBS is now home to 13-year-old boys, 16-year-old girls, and pedophiles pretending to be 16-year-old girls. If one does not like Twilight or the Jonas Brothers you will feel very out of place. It should be avoided at all costs. The exchange is home to pure crap made by small children who think they are now intranet celebrities because they know how to take a Maxis mesh, bucket-fill it in MS Paint, slap on face #1 in Bodyshop. Ta-da! The exchange is also home to stories by 9-year-olds with horrific graphics cards and a broken caps lock key.

    File:OVAR3000.png
    OVAR 3000 FASHUNS!!!!!11

    There are also fan communities like Snooty sims, but who gives a fuck about that?

    Garden Of Shadows

    GoS is an alternative internet forum for The Sims. They're pretty much emus who listen to MCR and cut themselves because they're emus.

    File:Emus.png
    Their layout just screams emu.

    Male Restroom Etiquette

    As told through The Sims

    Pr0n

    File:Olympianyogafucking.gif
    Only Greek Gods and Sims are capable of Olympian Yoga Fucking.

    intProp censorGridSize 0 in The Sims 2 base game will remove the blur over the characters genitals. There is also a nude patch, and thousands of custom skins which feature naked sims. All of these result in barbie-doll like pubic areas unless you get crammyboy's detachable cock (also available for dickgirls).

    In case you are retarded and don't understand how the game works, characters can have children. This means that The Sims 2 (especially combined with a screencap) can be used to acquire Captain Planet. However, there are ways to avoid having to seeing naked children, even while having your sims be nude. The best way is to not have children, so why not have a family of hot lesbians? This is fun and arousing for all people who enjoy fapping over a collection of pixels.

    Fags like Jack Thompson believe that The Sims will turn people into "flesh eating zombie rapists." He is yet to be proven right.

    All prons are for the following people:

    Neighborhoods

    In the Sims, you can make exciting neighborhoods with custom terrains, objects, and streets. An example of a custom neighborhood that took too fucking long to make:

    The OMGWTFBBQ

    Last Thursday, Pescado, the owner of Paysites Must Be Destroyed submitted a barbeque enabling Sims to turn babies into delicious steak onto major custom content site Mod The Sims. Not only did the admins approve that download (presumably doing it for the lulz), but they added a warning that any user to post a whiny comment would be b&. Of course, concerned mothers wouldn't have any of that, flocked to the thread and expressed not only their butthurt over pixel babies being eaten, but also their urge to kill the admin's actual offspring.


       
     
    J. M. Pescado your a pussy ass, faggot ass, hook ass, son of a bitch! You sick twisted fag!
     

     
     

    — A concerned mother


       
     
    (To the admin) I hope your baby is burned alive :)
     

     
     

    — Another concerned mother


    The OMGWTFBBQ in action

    Being banned from MTS2 wasn't enough for those butthurt members, and they had to create a site to "save the Sims babies", complete with open letter to MTS2 hoping to get the download taken down, text shittily translated from German, virtual pinboard full of cutesy pictures of real babies, baby sounds in the background and Geocities-like webdesign. It can be found hereBAAAWWWleted for those who have the urge to goatse their pinboard.

       
     
    The only one batshit crazy here is you , sorry I´ve to say this but it´s true.
     

     
     

    — Kaloka, creator of the site, calling the kettle black

       
     
    This site hurts my eyes more than the thumbnails for the OMGWTFBBQ. The left menu is hard to read... not to mention that cheesy baby sound effect every time I click on something and the use of frames meaning that its impossible to link to a specific page of your site.
     

     
     

    — Anonymous visitor of the site, trolling

       
     
    Kiddo, I´m really worried about your brain ! If you can´t bear it - leave it ! And why would you link to a special page of our site ?
     

     
     

    — Kaloka, about the previous message

       
     
    We don´t just simply complain about something, we do something. We want to collect as many opinions as possible and convey them to the welfare services. (...) Do you remember David and Goliath? Well, possibly you´ll remember too who won finally ...
     

     
     

    — The STSB team, showing unwarranted self-importance

    Moar OMGWTFBBQ drama documented on Sim_wank.

    Social Media

    Last Thursday, EA had hot dirty sex with Facebook, resulting in a horrifying failed abortion called Sims Social being cunt-spat clear across the Sims communities. Once the parade of fans shitting chickens had died down, the less retarded mod crafting folk gathered around to witness the horrifying abomination. Sims Social not only looked uglier than the first Sims game, but it was slow as a constipated turd, crashed frequently (despite being a Flash game) and required moar grinding than WoW and IRL Jew golds to get anything done in a reasonable timeframe. There weren't even any lulz to be had, just bitter disappointment.

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