The Royal Family
Thanks a lot, Broken Britain.
The British Royal Family can trace its roots back to Denmark's King Cunt and to Transylvania's Count Dracula, and is one of the oldest institutions in the world. It is famous for its valuable contributions to civilisation, such as the 60,000Hz fart and the art of sniffing coke off footmen.
The family's present leader is old enough to remember when gays, divorce and abortion were illegal, when the average Briton pronounced the word “house” as “hice”, freely used words like “nigger” and “chinky”, forced their own children to sweep chimneys, shot lots of wildlife, forced their loyal subjects to toil endlessly in Dark Satanic Mills and enjoyed equestrian events. It is very rare for anyone who is in the Royal Family to do anything in that list except during important state ceremonies.
- 1 How to play
- 2 Queen Elizabeth II
- 3 Evil twin
- 4 Her Majesty's Most Loyal Husband
- 5 Their brats (and their brats (and their brats))
- 6 Diverſe and ſundrie uſurperſ, pretenderſ and traitorſ who hath been vanquiſhed
- 7 Evidence
- 8 See also
- 9 External Links
How to play
The oldest member of The Family is the Monarch, and therefore exercises the Royal Prerogative over the entire Kingdom until He or She dies. (Unless He or She abdicates, which hasn't happened since recorded history began and anyway we never talk about it).
At the Instant of Sedevacantissimus, the ex-Monarch's first-born becomes Monarch and every Briton who has entered into Communion with the Church of England simultaneously recites the ancient and aweing words:
A Holy ritual therefore confirms throughout the hushed and expectant realm the commandment of The Lord God Above Almighty Himself that the rebirth of British power must be repeated over and over again and again for all eternity.
The Monarchy used to own nearly all of the world's second-lowest inhabitants, but Earth's very vilest vermin were reduced to being merely a minor annoyance by the dedicated efforts of a very close family acquaintance.
Then the USA finally got its revenge for the War of Independence by blackmailing cash-strapped Britain until the nation gave away its Empire (and then America grabbed the newly-abandoned former British territory of Palestine and filled it with Kikes instead, just because they could).
So now the Monarchy only runs Britain.
Although when in the Channel Island States of Jersey the Monarch is not King or Queen but the Duke of Normandy (and gets presented with two stuffed ducks on a silver platter every time He or She visits).
So, actually, yeah, I suppose the Monarchy still has some clout to its name.
(N.b., The present Monarch doesn't actually run the Commonwealth, but it feels that way to everyone involved and it keeps Her quiet. How this new arrangement will pan out when Her son takes over as Monarch is something that no-one talks about).
The Rules of Ruling
Almost everyone who is important or powerful in Britain is a complete arse-licker to the Monarchy living in the constant hope of being rewarded with an obscure but significant mediaeval title in the Monarch's regular Honours Lists.
(There are two regular Honours Lists, one is published at Christmas and the other on the Monarch's birthday. However, the Monarch has two birthdays and no-one can remember which one is the important one. No-one understands why the Monarch has two birthdays.)
This is why Britain will almost certainly never get rid of the Royal Family - the entire game is invisibly rigged from top to bottom to the Monarch's personal advantage, which is apparently something no anti-monarchist can get through their thick skull.
In fact, the Monarch is so deeply entwined within the fabric of the nation itself that Britain's original system of measurement was derived from the dimensions of the Moarchy's Most Royal Personages. Together, a number of Monarchs gave us a set of what are (for obvious reasons) called Imperial units.
However, despite having all this influence and prestige, being the Monarch is actually a really, really shitty sort of a job.
You can never speak your mind about anything despite the fact that you have to attend the grand opening of new cheapo supermarkets and dogshit-strewn council playgrounds twice a week.
You get dragged out to these things because only you are universally acclaimed as representing the ultimate fulfilment of the nation's hopes and dreams of meeting the most awesome guest of honour imaginable.
At home, your every waking moment will be really fucking confusing because you are meant to leading your nation into the glorious future but everything around you indicates that time is really running in reverse.
They do this by being dressed in ancient clothes and refusing to say anything to you that isn't a mixture of Olde Worlde Englishe, pre-Norman French and Latin, and bowing and curtseying whenever you look at them.
Then again, if you're lucky, you might go to bed one day because you're feeling a bit ill and end up recovering thanks to a generous helping of soothing herbal remedies administered through the loving care of your eldest son.
The above paragraph describes exactly what happened to the current Monarch's granddad in 1936, upon whose peaceful departure his first-born son instantly became the new King Edward VIII while simultaneously acquiring the ultimate power of total legal immunity for having taken care of his own father.
For the privilege of slowly tormenting each new figurehead of this never-ending succession of fuckwits to the point of insanity on a daily basis and eventually into their grave, British citizens pay just 69 pence each, per year, which is outstanding value for such world-class non-stop IRL entertainment.
Not related to the Monarch? Then you're His or Her subject and will therefore amount to nothing of any real significance. You don't get to roll your dice again and wish for three sixes, because you're out of The Game before it even started. (God Fuck You).
Queen Elizabeth II
The present Monarch, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (although that's just one of Her many, many, official titles), AKA Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth The First when visiting her other Kingdom (i.e., the former nation once referred to as "Scotland"), has reigned over Britain since there was something worth ruling over. Now she is left with the dregs.
She was temporarily deposed by Margaret Thatcher in 1989 when she was made Fuhrer after the Falkland putsch. The Queen (God Bless Her) was reinstated in 1990 when the country realised Thatcher was a regular fucking scare-the-bairns and that the Queen, conversely, (God Bless Her) reminds us all of Nan. Especially so when you consider that she has had four kids by three different dads. Seriously, see here
Born in 1837, Her Majesty combines the traditional British virtues of wealth, inscrutability, living in a castle and having servants who wear the same uniforms and wigs that they did 300 years ago. She does not speak, ever, except for ten minutes each Christmas Day, when She broadcasts a TL;DR speech unto the entire nation. Tuning in to hear what Her voice sounds like is a modern British tradition. She is accompanied at all times by a bell-rope, upon which She tugs in order to summon a servant, who interprets what She wants from Her facial expression, which never changes.
Not only does Her Most Royal Face appear on all the money in Britain because She owns the Royal Mint, she is also in control of the Post Office, the Passport Office, MI5, MI6 and the entire Civil Service, among many, many other national institutions.
As a rule of thumb, if you are complaining to a company and no-one you speak to seems to know the Chief Exec's internal phone extension, then you'd be wise to get some manners double-quick and apologise humbly for bothering them in the first place.
The Queen (God Bless Her) also owns every swan in Britain and shooting Royal fowl is therefore the highest form of treason still on the statute books in Britain, which is why there was such a national outcry when immigrants from Eastern Europe were caught eating her swans. The guilty thieving treacherous smelly immigrants were swiftly arrested and brought to justice.
Justice is, coincidentally, Her Majesty's part-time job as She is also the ultimate authority presiding over the administration of the British Royal Courts of Justice. This is the reason that a Court is called a "Court" in the first place (well, duh!). ,Her personal Majesty gives Her judicial representatives the title of "Magistrate" and her Crown gives Her representatives who investigate deaths the title of "Coroner" (holders of the second of the two positions are very handy to Her Majesty for many reasons). Convicted prisoners are said to be "detained at Her Majesty's pleasure" in Her Majesty's Prisons.
This Royal system of justice caused a highly-unusual situation during the trial of former royal butler Paul Burrell. It was revealed that Burrell had privately told Her Majesty that he would be taking care of valuable items from the Palace of an obscure and now-forgotten minor Royal who had just become irrelevant. But he was on trial because a couple of years after speaking to Her Majesty, he had been suddenly arrested and charged with stealing the items in question instead - which, if true, would have been an act of TREASON that of course would have resulted in him being jailed for the rest of his life. Legally, Her Majesty's conversation with Burrell meant that Her entire justice system already knew in advance that Burrell was innocent and that the Queen (God Bless Her) was therefore the star witness for the defence as well as being in charge of the whole prosecution in the first place.
The trial was therefore dropped as fast as if it were a handful of hot shit and never mentioned again.
The Queen (God Bless Her) may sit on a cushion and gaze out of the window 90 per cent of the time, but She is no couch potato. In between waving at tourists, Trooping The Colour, and launching ships in Her Majesty's Navy, She is also head of the international narcotics trade.
During Her spare time she keeps Her Most Royal Mind occupied by plotting to recapture Her former colonies in the New World. She intends to fulfil Her schemes by deploying mental puppet Prime Ministers who will encourage stupid US presidents into launching costly and disastrous wars until Her former colonial subjects beg Her to come back.
Her Majesty mourned the sad but inevitable passing the late 666 year old Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother (God Bless Her) in 2002 in order to cover up her role in the accidental death in 1997 of some minor Royal whose name is now lost to history. Since Her Majesty the Queen Mother's death, several gin distilleries have gone out of business and bookie takings have slumped by at least 80 per cent. However, Her Majesty has managed to inject replacement funding into the economy by ordering 190,435 new hat-pins and handbags, as well as a millennium's supply of sealing wax.
Because She is the Queen, no-one else in the Royal Family matters. (Except Prince Charles, and chances are She's going to outlive him anyway).
It is common knowledge that the Queen (God Bless Her) does not go to the toilet. This is because She has no arsehole. Like an owl, She regurgitates the bones and fur of Her meals in the form of pellets. These pellets are highly-sought after by other European nations, due to their magical properties of restoring deposed monarchies, of which Europe has plenty.
Royal deathwatch, Christmas 2016
2016 was truly a year to remember... with a shudder. As Christmas approached, many highly-experienced conspiracy
retards experts noticed that the Queen's personal life was taking a rather sinister turn as she completed her 90th calendar year. As you can see from the following gallery, it was widely accepted as inevitable that HMQ would kark it over the festive period, to put the absolute crowning glory on what the old girl herself would call an "Annus Horribilis."
- STRIKE ONE: Christmas Eve - the elderly actress who played Gran in a popular BBC sitcom called The Royle Family
- STRIKE TWO: Christmas Day - A Queen, but of the poptabular variety, causing considerable bawww
- STRIKE THREE: Feast of St John the Apostle (Dec 27) - a rebel princess who fought in the war against an evil empire. BAWWW levels approaching danger zone.
- STRIKE FOUR: Childermas (Dec 28) - The mother of a princess. BAWWW now at critical levels
- STRIKE FIVE: Feast of Thomas a Beckett (Dec 29) - announcement of Queen's death proves to be a hoax, but not in time to prevent BAWWing round the world (Becket being the Archbishop of Canterbury who was assassinated 'by accident' on the orders of Henry II in 1170)
Princess Margaret, Her Majesty's younger sister (born 1891), added greatly to the gaiety of the nation for many decades because she had about as much money, prestige and influence as it's possible to have in Britain without actually having to be the Queen -- and absolutely no responsibilities whatsoever plus complete legal immunity!
As soon as her sister's first son was born, Margaret knew she would never have to do any work and so spent the rest of her life on her private Caribbean island, where she fucked 100 filmstars, drank gin via an intravenous drip, smoked 80 cigarettes a day, snorted half-kilos of cocaine every 30 minutes through a 24-carat gold nose-hose with her Coat of Arms engraved upon it, and drove around in open-top sports cars shooting at photographers while shouting "Naff Orff!" at anyone she didn't recognise.
All this was done to make the Queen (God Bless Her) jealous. However, Her Majesty got Her Most Royal Revenge in the 1970s when she told Margaret's boyfriend to GTFO because he was divorced, and divorce was not legal within the Church of England (and still wasn't until another 30 or so years had passed).
Margaret ended up so mental that she managed to seriously injure both of her feet by standing in a bath of boiling water and soon died quite young, considering the vast age the women of the Royal Family tend to reach.
Her Majesty's Most Loyal Husband
Remember that bit about the Queen (God Bless Her) not having an arsehole? Well, it wasn't strictly true.
And here he is. Please be upstanding for:
His Royal Highness Prince Philip (AKA The Artist Formerly Known As His Excellency Prince Philippos of The House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg until he changed his surname to "Mountbatten" to annoy his wife because She refused to change Her surname when they married, AKA The Duke of Edinburgh).
Philip was emasculated by Her Majesty when She rode him up the aisle, fucked him up the arse with Her Orb and Sceptre and forever robbed him of the chance of being King of the greasy wops - WTF!!! Show the bitch where the kitchen is, amirite? However, Philip went along with this, because he was flat fucking broke at the time, due to Greece's monarchy getting pwnt by Hitler, and so he needed the money. And Princess Elizabeth (as She was at the time) thought he was HAWT.
In response to the shame of having the wife wear the trousers and steal his penis, Philip developed a keen sense of hatred towards the human race and resorted to the life of the troll, mostly at her expense. That'll learn the cunt, Phil!
This is because the Queen (God Bless Her) is the Supreme Governor of the Church of England, which was established when her ancestor Henry VIII told the Pope to STFU sometime in the middle of the last millennium. Since the Monarch replaced the Pope as head of Christianity in England, this makes the Queen (God Bless Her) officially next in line to God for Her church-going subjects, although female commoners were not allowed to become priests in England until the 21st Century.
As befits the Deity incarnate, Philip is the greatest IRL troll in the UK, using his position to humiliate and embarrass everyone he meets with absolutely no danger of them answering him back or smacking him in the chops because they would immediately get shot dead by the Secret Service, all while constantly making the Queen (Philip Bless Her) cringe with silent shame as the unwilling straight-man in their double-act.
- "Where did you get that hat?" - To his wife, immediately after her coronation (1953)
- "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." - said during one of Margaret Thatcher's many economic recessions (1981)
- "In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solving overpopulation" - (1988)
- "If you stay here much longer, you'll all get slitty-eyed." - Advice to British students in China (1986)
- "It looks like it was put in by Indians." - said after he saw a poorly-constructed fusebox (1999)
- "And what exotic part of the world do you come from?" (said to Lord Taylor of Warwick, who replied: "I'm from Birmingham.") - (1999)
- "Do you still throw spears at each other?" - To an Aboriginal man while visiting Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park (2002)
- "If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!"
- "You look like you're ready for bed!" - Said to the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional robes
- "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" - to a Scottish driving instructor (Hey, Philip knows what he's on about, he's the fukken Duke of Edinburgh)
- "They have eating dogs for the anorexic these days" - to Susan Edwards, who has a guide dog, due to being blind (2002)
- “You look like you could lose a bit of weight.” - to a schoolboy who expressed an ambition to become an astronaut (2013)
- "Never pass up a chance to go to the loo or to take a poo." - When asked his secret for dealing with public appearances - GENIUS!
Since Philip has the greatest trophy wife in the entire Kingdom, all the ladies are fizzing at the bunghole for their furrows to be ploughed with some of that Kingly seed.
Philip has been romantically linked to many, many beautiful and aristocratic women, but there isn't any hard evidence of what he's been up to, because MI5 agents pay them a visit and scare the shit out of them.
Their brats (and their brats (and their brats))
If the Monarchy is to continue, the family have to keep breeding.
Here are a few of the least unimportant.
HRH Charles, Prince of Wales
He was married to someone whose name we forget And is currently married to Princess Camila, The horse. Except she's not a Princess, you dumbass, she's a Duchess, and she's only that because Charles is also a Duke, it was a morganatic marriage (look it up) and she only got the title through wedlock. The Palace wouldn't have dared to make Camilla the Princess of Wales (even though as Charles's significant other, she is entitled to be styled thus), for fear of outraging the public!
Although he may not have inherited good looks from his mother, the Queen, during his unsuccessful and now little-mentioned first marriage he estimated that he had sex with at least 7 dozen horses, and said that the reason he stuck with camilla is because her anus was just barely big enough for him, being able to get his entire arm into it. He is also the father of Prince Harry off Wales and Prince William of Wales. The fact that his father and child are nazis is also proof that nazism skips a generation.
HRH Prince William and HRH Prince Henry of Wales (Jnr)
Respectively, the "Heir" and the "Spare".
No one cares about Prince William ("the Hair") since he changed overnight from being kinda cute to completely fugly, and when all's said and done he's turned out to be a really dull kinda guy anyway. He doesn't even talk to vegetables like his dad or take part in sedan chair races like his granddad.
But Prince Henry ("The Spare", AKA "Harry") is much more fun.
He is a complete legend who promises to take over the duties of "Renegade Royal" where his great-aunt HRH Princess Margaret left off, providing much-needed lulz to a grateful nation for many years to come.
Harry: Would fuck you senseless behind the bushes in the Palace gardens and then he'd break your heart but you'd still forgive him because he's such a dashing bounder.
William: Would cum on your leg before you'd even touched him, and then cry.
(* = Aſſiduouſ and prayerful ſcholarſ will be wise to the fact that if Harry were to become King, he would have the ſame title aſ The Even Younger Pretender, Henry IX of England and I of ſo-called "ſcotland". Aſ yet, however, there is but ſcanty evidence that the Prince haſ entered into Communion with the Romiſh Pope, but we are monitoring the ſituation with concern)
Other helpful information for potential assassins -
- Code name: Widow 67
- Call Sign: Budgie
HRH Princess Katherine, Duchess of Cambridge
Kate Wales née Middleton was an absolute nobody until she met Prince William at university and pretended that she had got pregnant with his lovechild in order to force the panicking princeling into marrying her before his Grandmother found out and did something about him. But then - Surprise! - it turned out she really was pregnant after all and she gave birth to Prince George the Umpteenth.
Since William had turned out looking quite like his Grandfather, the media have now refocused their infatuation with everything related to his now-forgotten mother who we never mention onto his wife instead.
Nowadays, the average Britfag can't walk out of their house without seeing photos of her everywhere and aeroplanes flying overhead, skywriting the lyrics to the National Anthem in red. white and blue smoke, with the word "Kate" instead of the word "Queen". Even Amerifags aren't safe from her bullshit, as their celebrity obsessed media will publish hundreds of stories about whatever she did today above all other more important shit, making her the Kim Kardashian of Britain.
Famous for doing nothing but looking pretty, getting her boobies posted all over the internet, then trying to get them taken down again. As you can see, the picture itself is rather shitty (as are her tits for that matter).
But it has to be mentioned that everyone was amazed when William announced he wasn't going to marry a German. What with his father's first attempt at marriage to a non-German, that we never mention, the possibility now exists that in just a few centuries Britain could finally achieve its dream of having a Monarch who is more than three per cent British.
HRH Prince Andrew, Duke of York
"Princess Britney of Monaco"
This honorary title is awarded in loyal memory of HRH Princess Margaret, whose antics while sequestered on her own private Caribbean island are described above, and which serve as model behaviour for each new generation of pointless parasites.
They don't actually do anything in return for their unlimited disposable income except remain on permanent standby to inherit some more money and appear in aristo-sleb gossip magazines such as Hello! and OK! Notable specimens include Their Royal Highnesses:
Lady Sara Philips
The Duchess of York, and her twin daughters, AKA...
... Beatrice and Eugenie*, the Princesses of York (Pictured left)
* = In her granddad's native language, Princess Eugenie's name means "well-bred"
Diverſe and ſundrie uſurperſ, pretenderſ and traitorſ who hath been vanquiſhed
|100px||PRITHEE, TAKE A SOLEMN VOW OF SILENCE YOUR MAJESTY!|
The realm deſireth NOT Thy entire chronicle of thrice-damn'd idolatorſ.
Nor wouldſt Thy ſubjectſ give a ſingle leper for Thy blood feud with ſome far-diſtant dynaſty.
Why doſt Thou not inſtead dedicate Thy ſoul unto reading the Bible and contemplating Thy family tree?
(And whilſt Thou art about it, how about doing penance by renouncing Thy luxurieſ and diſtributing Thy treaſureſ among the people?)
- Some dirty smelly hippy fail kike
- The Romans, who were obviously very wise: They crucified the hippy and built a wall around the fucking BritKikes
(Although come to think of it the hippy supposedly came back from the dead after visiting our shores... this might be inherited by any descendants in this realm)
- King Arthur + his 12
DisciplesKnights of the Round Table = 13
- King MacBeth of ſcotland
- King William Rufuſ
- ſaint Thomaſ a Becket
- William Wallis Simpson
- King Harold II, IRL B& in 10666 by a fucking Frenchman...
- ... William The Conqueror (Turns out he was OK because the Queen is descended from him).
- Watt Tyler
- Robert (the) Bruce
- The Diggerſ
- Louiſ VIII of France
- Lambert ſimnel
- Perkin Warbeck
- The Levellerſ
- The Communardſ
- The Proclaimerſ - which is confusing because The Proclaimers are associated with a distance and indeed a specific journey of "500 miles or more", which is roughly the distance marched IRL by one of
- The Pretenderſ (See below) Which is even MOAR fucking confusing because loyal admirers of The Pretenders will tell you categorically that the crucial measurement is actually "2000 Miles". This could account for Bonnie Prince Charlie's military fail. It is a mystery.
- Richard II
- The Black Prince
- Owain Glyndŵr
- The Princeſ in the Tower
- That ſcheming hunchback who Jewed hiſ way onto the Throne and ended up with a parking lot built on hiſ grave But we don't talk about him ſince we dug him up, for completely unimportant reaſonſ, oh look, iſn't that a ſeagull over there?
- Margaret Beaufort
- Prince Arthur
- Catherine Carey (Barren)*
- Pope Clement VII, AKA The Roman Antichrist* (ſauce plox)
- British Catholics*
- Anne Boleyn (Whore)*
- Mary Jane ſeymour*
- Anne of Cleveſ (Barren)*
- Catherine Howard (Whore)*
- Catherine Parr*
- A million of Hiſ Majeſty'ſ ſubjectſ*
- Lady Jane Grey** for about a week
- At least 300 heretics followed by their persecutor:
- Bloody Mary** (Vampire)
- Pope Piuſ V**
- ſeveral thousand Catholicſ**
- Mary, Queen of ſcots = Mary II of England (Exorcised)**
- Archduke Charleſ of Auſtria**
- Henry, Duke of Anjou**
- Franciſ, Duke of Anjou**
- Pope ſixtus V**
- Philip II of ſpain (Vampire?)**
- The entire ſpaniſh Navy**
- Mary Tudor, Queen of France**
- Lady Anne ſtanley
King Jameſ VI ſcotlandAKA Jameſ I of England
- Guido Fawkeſ and all his co-conspirators
- Charleſ I
- The Lord Protector of England (for five minuteſ), Oliver Cromwell followed by:
- Hiſ oldeſt ſon (which lasted about ten fucking seconds)
- Charles I's rightful heir, King Charleſ II who burned down London in 1666 and died without leaving a legal heir despite fathering over 9000 bastards, and the oldest bastard was...
- The Duke of Monmouth AKA "The Man in the Iron Mask"
Jameſ VII of ſcotlandAKA Jameſ II of England
- King William and Queen Mary AKA The Dutch Invasion but better known as England's Glorious Revolution
Jameſ VII of ſcotlandAKA so-called "Jameſ II of England" (again)
- The entire Stuart Royal Family and their horribly deformed deſcendantſ when their last Monarch (Queen Anne), died with no heirs...
- ſo-called "ſcotland"
- ſo-called "ſcotland" again
- ſo-called "ſcotland" (bitch, please) and France at the same fucking time
- ſo-called "Jameſ II" yet again, this time planning to seize control of the entire Kingdom of Britain. Pwnt good and proper, but followed by his legitimate heir...
- ... Bonnie Prince Charlie, AKA "The Young Pretender" (God ſmite Him) who set out from France with half-a-dozen French "soldiers" to ambush London by marching slowly from so-called "Scotland" then ???? and finally PROFIT! (which brought him even more success than his father), followed by...
- ... The Even Younger Pretender, AKA Henry IX of England and Ireland and I of Scotland </pretenders>
- Hannah Lightfoot, an English commoner who secretly married King George the III (= 666) ("Where iſ thy croſſed flag now?") before his (bigamous) "official" wedding to a German princess, meaning that all his German nigglets were bastards and B& from inheriting the Throne, a ban that was re-inherited by all his descendants and now disqualifies so-called "Queen Elizabeth II" herself (But do not, repeat NOT, talk about thiſ, or the ſecret ſervice will try to bribe you to keep quiet)
Nativeſ ofHiſ Majeſty'ſ loyal ſubjectſ in 13 New World colonieſ
- King George Waſhington
- Benjamin Franklin
- Thomaſ Paine
- Princeſſ Caroline of Brunſwick, wife of George IV, who tried to divorce her but fortunately she suddenly died from a mystery illness a few days after his coronation
- The Queen's great-great-grand-uncle, Thomaſ Lyon-Boweſ,, who was officially born dead and immediately buried in an unmarked grave, but who was actually locked up in a secret room and only remembered in the legend of "The Monſter of Glamiſ." But such misfortune could never happen to Royalty, so we don't talk about it
- The unknown bastard fathered by Queen Victoria's eldest grandson, AKA Prince Albert Victor (who died unexpectedly of a mystery illness before he could become King)
- Queen Victoria's first-born child, Princess Victoria
- Everyone in the Russian Royal Family, exiled by communists after George V (AKA "Dear old Grandfather England") refused to let them escape to Britain and changed his family's surname to "Windsor" because he was terrified in case millions of his poverty-stricken subjects decided to rebel against him, and we don't talk about that side of the family anyway
- The Artist Formerly (1936) Known As King Edward VIII, AKA HRH The Duke of Windsor, AKA "Uncle David" AKA "That man whose name we never mention"
- "That... thing that We wish We had forgotten" AKA His American wife
- The Duke of Kent (AKA "Uncle George"), who was killed in an aeroplane crash during a family quarrel while carrying a suitcase-ful of Swedish banknotes, even though he told everyone that he was going to fucking Iceland, but it's pointless to speculate about what he was really up to
- The Queen's cousins Katherine and Nerissa Bowes-Lyon, who were locked up and declared "dead" but when the truth came out, this was called "a misunderstanding", so we don't talk about it
- HRH Prince William, Duke of Gloucester (AKA "Cousin Bill"), the last Royal to be receive an official diagnosis of porphyria, a hilarious practical joke that has been unuexpectedly played on The Royal Family ever since George III went mad from it (PDF). But before he could reproduce and his disease became obvious, the Duke was killed in an aeroplane crash (PDF). The reason for the crash is unknown. As an act of act of respect, Prince Charles named his first son after the deceased Prince William.
- This man
That woman we don't talk about.VERBOTEN!
(N.b., Her Majesty's fanbois will object that everyone who claimed to be a royal bastard born from the legal union of Hannah Lightfoot and George III was a pretender to the Throne).
(Their objections are completely correct and totally fucking irrelevant.)
Prince Charles dancing
Some irrelevant Queen
An old Queen
Britain's unofficial Queen
The eighteenth pale descendant of some old Queen or other
- Her Majesty graciously launches Her Most Royal Twitter Account
- The Monarchy's Most Royal YouTube Channel
- A monograph on some Vampires Royal
- The assassination of the Royal Family
- Are the Royal Family worth £36.8m?
- Is Prince Charles Welsh?
- Kansas City Royals
- Princess Jasmine nude
- The most eligible Princes in the World
- The most beautiful Princesses in the World
- The Royal Gift Shop
- Balmoral Castle
- Helen Mirren nude
- The Royal Forums
|The Royal Family
is part of a series on
|Article of the Nao May 1, 2011|
|The Royal Family||Succeeded by|
The Comprehensive Guide To Life