Released back in June 2003, The Room is a critically acclaimed action/romance/tragedy/sci-fi/drama that was based off a true story. Storming into theaters, the 99 minute epic broke the boundaries and preconceptions of modern film making, noticeably the requirement of an intelligible plot, actors who act and not sucking complete horse dicks. Almost as notorious as the film itself is its Director/Writer/Producer/Lead actor (And most likely the one stupid enough to spend $6 Mil of inherited Nazi gold and Jew teeth on this cauldron of moose jizz 'film'), Tommy Wiseau.
The Room is about a bunch of 'young' San Franciscan fuckwits who spend their lives bitching about how unfair life is, fucking everything that moves and just generally blasting useless shit into the atmosphere. The 'film' deals with numerous topics like life, death, Tommy Wiseau's flabby ass, and the inevitable, final solution to realising that you're a bloated, middle aged waste of hipster space who had no potential to begin with,
Johnny: The main 'character' and Tommy's self insert Mary Lue (Also played by Wiseau I might add), to call him a character really doesn't do Johnny justice; A more appropriate way to describe him would be a "space zombie from an obscure part of Europe." He spends the whole film being shit on by his whorish fiancee Lisa and being betrayed by everybody who he cares about, that and throwing a handegg around with his butt buddy Mark and the creepy rapist-to-be from next door Denny. After finally getting "fed up weeth thees wor-uld", Johnny throws a massive fit, trashes the room, and then gets on his knees and sucks off a handgun until it blows its creamy lead load in his mouth and paints the wall with his brain.
fiancee "future wife" and contender for The World's Most Abrasive Bitch Award, she spends the whole movie being a cunt to Johnny and spreading her legs for anything that can plug up her perma-period. Some great examples are complaining to her Mother that she doesn't love Johnny anymore and riding Mark like a mechanical bull every night while still accepting gifts from Johnny, living in Johnny's shitty apartment, promising to marry Johnny, all with a straight face and still being ungrateful that Johnny gives her anything other than a black eye and a busted lip for being such a royal cunt with extra cheese. However, in the most justified and satisfactory twist in cinema history, when Johnny dies, Mark dumps her sorry ass and leaves her without a meal ticket, without a pole to ride and nowhere else to turn but giving handjobs behind the 7/11.
Mark: Johnny's mentally impaired best friend and Lisa's living rent-a-dildo, every night he gets invited over to Johnny's house by Lisa, every night she fucks his brains out while Tommy is inexplicably away from home, and every. Single. Fucking. Time he looks her dead in the eyes and asks her "What's this all about?" while she's practically sucking him off already. Other than that he serves no purpose than to throw a football around with Johnny and Denny, and just have pointless conversations to fill up the long running time. He proves in the end that his seemingly retarded demeanour was merely a ruse, and he is in fact a master troll, having made Johnny off himself and having verbally cunt-punched Lisa into poverty and lonelieness.
Claudette: Lisa's mother, a legendary fuckwit like none before her, she shows up repeatedly to feed Lisa some common sense, that she should stop being an ungrateful bitch, get a tampon and just jam it in. Then at some point in the movie she decides that Johnny owes her some money for showing up at his house everyday to schlick with Lisa and raid his pantry for cake like a greedy, fat little Ethiopian. She also announces at one point that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer, but you don't like her character enough to really care, and neither did Wiseau apparently because it's never mentioned again for the rest of the movie.
Denny: What the fuck can you say about Denny, he is just the creepiest kid in existence, he's one of those kids you meet on the first day of school and instantly think to yourself "That freaky sonovabitch is gonna grow up to be a date rapist." He first shows up at the beginning of the film, just waltzing in the front door (People in the Bay Area don't lock their houses thanks to their 'everyone is equally a nigger' laws, so nobody fears anything) and tries to perv on Johnny fingering Lisa. Later on you find out that the little tard is also a speedhead and almost gets buttfucked by a white crack dealer (Who happens to be the only talented actor in the entire film) for not paying his E tab. At one point he tries to act straight and says he has a boner for Lisa, but that was just a lie to try and get in Johnny's pants. In the films final scene he turns up to have an epic BAAAAWWW! over Johnny's exploded body, luckily the budget ran out and they didn't have enough film left to shoot the scene where Denny skins Johnny, makes him into a suit and proceeds to fuck the decomposing innards while Lisa watches from the side and masturbates.
The 'Plot' in a Nardshell
The film starts off with Grade-A bitch Lisa, whoring off to her friend and Mother that she is no longer attracted to her fiancee Johnny, who despite being a prime example of illegally imported hipser Eurotrash still piles unconditional love and expensive gifts on her every day. Her Mother warns her that she is already a tremendous cunt and using Johnny as a meal ticket would cause her to level up and evolve to a Uberbitchosaurus, but Lisa is too busy smoking hundred-dollar-bills and getting off on her unwarranted self importance to listen. Enter Johnny, a super cool millionaire banker who dresses like a rockstar and shits pure excellence, returning home from work with flowers and news that he still hasn't gotten that well deserved promotion. Johnny is visibly distraught that the bank is taking advantage of his quality work ethic (What his actual job is isn't ever touched upon, possibly because he doesn't seem qualified to handle a KFC drive through, let alone handle billions of dollars), and Lisa decides to comfort him by complaining and then going off to fuck Johnny's best friend Mark.
Mark continues to butter Lisa's saggy bread slices (Insert Yeast joke here) behind Johnny's back, while pretending to be his loyal friend to his face. Begin a monotonous half-hour of Johnny, Mark and Denny throwing a football back and forth in various locations, stopping momentarily for a them to confront a crack dealer who wants to cap Denny, which leads to a anticlimactic scene where nobody dies or even gets injured. Eventually Lisa decides that she hasn't been enough of a complete bitch today and starts telling everybody that Johnny roughed her up after having one too many, despite her face being bruise free and no more freakishly swollen than usual. Nobody gives a flying fuck because Lisa is a ten gallon jug of unslapped bitch, but Johnny is still deeply hurt by Lisa's cuntery.
Some more random shit happens, Claudette gets breast cancer, Johnny meets a secret agent or some shit, Lisa and her Mom find two random people fucking in the apartment, all aforementioned happenings never get a further word of coverage. Mark continues to relentlessly tap Lisa, and the three stooges throw the football around again, and again, and again, and a-fucking-gain. Eventually two brain cells align in Johnny's head and he concludes that Lisa is cheating with Mark, I guess finding jizz stains, Mark's clothes, and a naked Lisa with a gaping, cum dripping asshole on his bed every morning weren't strong enough hints to figure this out earlier.
He goes home to confront Lisa and ram something spiky up her twat when he enters the room, only to find a surprise Birthday party waiting for him. The jolly get together quickly turns sour, as Johnny and the others return from the balcony to find Mark wrist deep in Lisa's ass. The final straw lands upon Johnny's back, and he snaps, unleashing a rage unlike any seen by the eyes of mortals...
But Johnny knows that the only way to win a fight is to walk away from it, so he tells everyone to GTFO before he is forced to do something he regrets. Once the guests leave, he promptly goes batshit insane throws a complete tantrum, Spirit Bombing the entire apartment to splinters before returning to the realm of immortals via gunshot through the roof of his mouth. Lisa, Denny and Mark come back in from the next room, and completely freak the fuck out. Mark blames Lisa, Lisa wants to fuck Mark, and Denny wants to fuck Tommy.
Of course the limited minds of film critics, and film makers, and film viewers couldn't contemplate the excellence of The Room and completely slammed it, throwing around words "The worst movie ever." and "What the fuck did I just watch." Despite this the film has gained a cult following just like every other shitty movie in existence and is watched more every week than Avatar and The Dark Night combined. This shit sells t-shirts, bobble heads, MASKS!, DVDs and all the other kind of miscellaineous shite you can find on display at your local Hot Topic. People gather at shitty little theaters and makeshift cinemas in the back of Blockbuster Video stores every week to watch the shitty production with their stuck-up Vegan friends, and sometimes Tommy Wiseau himself will even show up to bask in what the poor, deluded soul still percieves as genuine critical acclaim.
|This person has Assburgers Syndrome, |
so you can't say anything bad! :-(
Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck.
Perhaps the greatest attraction of attention to the film is the Director/Writer/Producer/Star of The Room, Tommy Wiseau. Being a horrific actor, a Writer with no concept of how real life situations work, and a Director who couldn't properly direct a rotting cucumber up his ass, wouldn't be enough to make him stand out in an industry populated exclusively by fuckwits and Lucy Liu. No, Tommy is a oddball among oddballs, he is enigmatic, he is... Just fucking weird.
Tommy claims that in Norleans he was born and raised, fighting off Katrina and drinking most of his days. This is complete bullshit because his abstract European accent is so thick that a Lancer made out of Lightsabers, weilded by a Super Saiyen couldn't cut through it. Not much is know about his life other than he spent "A few years" in France a while back, and a guesstimate that he's somewhere in his mid 40s. Tommy strongly denies that he came from outside the Jewnited States, bringing in to serious question what the fuck he did to make him leave his old country and make him so secretive about it. Another puzzle piece presented itself when he revealed that some of the funding for The Room's production came from shirts he imported from Korea, what the fuck?
In the end, Tommy will probably carry the secret to his grave, when he is burried alive in it by the pissed off Mafia from whatever country he came from.
Sometime last thursday, the Nostalgia Critc posted a review of The Room on the TGWTG website. Like other attention whoring lulzcows before him, Tommy Wiseau became very upset that anyone would dare poke fun at his beloved masterpiece. And in such an unfunny manner to boot. Wiseau felt the best thing he could do was to threaten TGWTG with a lolsuit for copyright infringement. As a result, the review was removed from the site. However it can still be viewed on Youtube.
Tommy Wiseau's Ass
Tommy may be the greatest attraction of the film, but his flabby ass overides that and will launch you through the wall and into another state because it's so repulsive. It doesn't help the films already non-existent credibility that Tommy feels the need to parade the saggy lump of fat around on screen. His ass is so horrific that it can turn every orifice on your body into Goatse upon eye contact, it can burn out the eyes of the furriest furry, the shit guzzling-iest fecopheliac, the most labia-chewing-iest voraphile, the most German-iest German. The very horror of it's presence can make one lose ones iPod and go fap to shitting dick nipples to try and wash the burned in image from your eyes.
Things that have come from Tommy Wiseau's ass:
As mentioned in the 'Reception' section, the movie gained a cult following of Twilight fans and Anti-mainstream fags who ensured that this brown stain on cinema history will stay with us long after it's worn out its welcome. Continued fan development and internet coverage has taken over, meaning every 13 year old kid on the internet has played the shitty Newgrounds game thanks to being made by Tom Fulp and blasted on the front page for a millenium, and have then swarmed Youtube comment sections with "Oh Hai Doggy" over and over again.
Apart from that there has been some drama involving some dickhead with an unpronouncable name trying to take credit for directing the shitfest, as if that's something to be proud of. That, and someone has been hired to novelise the film, which is due to print at the start of 2013, because it really will take 2 years to properly capture the narrative's excellence.
Yeah... Fuck you Tommy Wiseau, I'm going to take a page from your shitty book and go spread my face all over the kitchen with a sawed of shotgun. Later Cunts.
As a Meme
What a story, mark
21:52 -!- rootk1t [[email protected]] has joined #dongforce 21:52 < wiseau> dont touch me rootk1t!!!!
The Room is part of a series on