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Æ Roadmap

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    Here's to setting the world on fire in 2021! - aediot

    The Orion Project

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    BTW 10$ were damn well spent - the drama around this game is a lot more entertaining than the game itself.



    The Orion Project is an experiment available on Steam that was created by David Prassel, a developer who wishes to piss off others while still suckering them into buying his games. It's a first-person shooter filled with every cliché ever known: dinosaurs, jet packs, space, robots, an open world gameplay, character customizations and money hungry developers.


    Their defense was pretty much "we've been planning our mod since before Halo was released."

    In the beginning there was David Prassel, who's dream was to become a game developer, allowing him to make money while being unimaginative and contributing nothing of value to mankind. The result was Incoming: Source, and later ORION: Source, mods built on Valve's Source engine. While still in the beta testing phase, people who wanted to participate had to sign a contract to make sure only the most Aryan niggers could join his growing empire. As an added bonus, he could also sign contracts under your name with your signature to order large amounts of testicle pain reducing drugs.

    When the mod went public, players realized that it was another Halo rip-off and for the first time in the franchise's history, the drama ball started rolling.

    ORION is older than most new fans may think. I outlined the first design of the game series back in 1998. [...] To answer the question more simply, however – it came from my brain.


    —David Prassel

    David Prassel said the quote above in his defense, which basically says he helped create Halo three years later and it was his idea from the very beginning. So you see, he was only stealing his own models and concepts which is acceptable.

    After the Source mod enjoyed only a minor success, David founded Spiral Game Studios and decided to do what any independent game developer would do: Build a game with Unreal Engine 3, which happens to be 5 years old. The result was ORION: Dino Beatdown, released in May 2012 for $10 on Steam. This game failed to impress as it only featured Titty Control mode in which you had to recapture escaped titties to bring them back to the cathouse. Beatdown was bugged like the basement of your mom's house that you live in, issues with the game included sounds, server, framerate and the AI. Goldeneye 007 had better animations, textures were blurred and the music didn't go well with the game, it sounded like you were riding an elevator waiting to arrive at the floor of your death. A patch was released afterwards but it didn't help so David began work on his next game.

    Released in April 2013, ORION: Dino Horde was simply a content update for Dino Beatdown, however it was advertised as a completely new game. Dino Horde added new games modes, sound effects, over 200 useless achievements that nobody will bother with, and at least 100 DLC packs, which include the Jungle DLC, Desert DLC, the Arctic DLC, the Jurassic DLC, the Grasslands DLC and other shit nobody cares about. It's worth mentioning that with the Grasslands DLC the game got higher system requirements as well, meaning that most players that have stone age hardware or are still on Windows XP can't play the game anymore. Even though this sounds neat at first, below all the content updates the game still doesn't support simple mechanics such as voice chat, a map or kick voting system or a functioning server browser.

    In late 2014, the game will be renamed again to ORION: Prelude. Planned DLCs include the Mountain DLC, Ocean DLC, Factory DLC, the Summer Map Pack, Fall Map Pack, City Map Pack, Get Outside More Map Pack, the Ported from Tribes: Ascend Map Pack and the Nigger Map Pack as well as the Barbie Dress-Up Update and the MLP Update (which, the only good thing, turns dinosaurs into ponies for you to shoot). So all Prassel's after is that delicious money-milking system Valve has already implemented into Team Fortress 2 and in the future into Counter-Strike: Global Offensive. Secretly he hopes that once he has a large enough player base, he can add an in-game item store and make the game Free-2-Play, earning more jew golds in the process just like the big boys do.

    Game Modes

    Since the Dildo Hoard update, ORION features five great and exciting game modes the world has never seen before:

    Survival 2.0 (Survival/Dinosurvival/Conquest): A mix between Halo, Left 4 Dead and Jurassic Park. You kill waves of dinosaurs and occasionally you have two walk a few miles to capture an objective. There are no cars except at the objective so instead of shooting you'll be walking half of the time.

    Rampage: Capture the flag but with dinosaur eggs. Five players have to capture three T-Rex eggs before the time runs out. Meanwhile a sixth player is the T-Rex and he has to stop the Marines from stealing the eggs. Yay?

    Rocketeer (Free For All/Gun Game): A very original game mode, in fact, so original you'll shit your pants twice and write Santa Claus a 14 page letter about how great it is before traveling to the north pole itself to kiss the big red pedo's butt and then travel to Egypt to protest about why this game mode wasn't discovered earlier. Deathmatch.

    Ninja: Team Deathmatch with a twist: Everyone is a spy.

    Dude Huge (King of the Hill): King of the Hill with big guns.




    —David Prassel

    Like every great gaming studio you admire, the idea is to release the same game every year, but with minor changes so the game is totally new again. The master plan for ORION however is to rename the game every time an update is made so the Metacritic page gets updated with higher scores and to fool any player whose IQ is below pi.

    And so far this idea is working:

    As with any game that has been patched or improved over the weeks and months following its initial release and critical reception, those initial reviews follow the game.


    —Metacritic boss Marc Doyle

    The Metacritic score is misleading.



    First off: Metacritic score is wrong as it's for the previous game "Dino Beatdown". I won't discuss about the rename of the game or if Dino Horde is a sequel or an update.



    Dont let the metacritic score turn you away and come play a game where the developers care about thier product.



    The metascore is bull!!



    Ignore the metacritic score. It's freakin' awesome.


    —Farting Solids

    Further strategies include paying people to write positive reviews on Metacritic which get displayed on the Steam front page of the game, the constant quoting of random posts of people who wrote positive about the game like "OMGWTFBBQ THEES IS THA BEST GAIM EVAR!" as well as deleting posts and striking the banhammer on anyone who attempts to spread the truth about their schemes on any official ORION discussion board.

    I think I am not loving this game.



    —Mrs. Featherbottom

    Truly a terrible, bug-ridden game

    Though laughing at the terrible AI and glitches can be fun.




    People are not loving this game. Every single review I have seen says it's rubbish. And I am talking about reliable reviewers with millions of readers/viewers and not some low bob statement from twitter which most likely was written by the devs themselves. Pathetic.



    After my experience with Beatdown I would never buy another of your products.


    —Turd Ferguson

    How about some reviews that aren't just link or text on the forums?

    Then again they changed the title from what I've seen so far, so this game is in the midst of a identity crisis when it comes to big reviewers.




    This game is horrible. It is just a remake of the first game. Possibly a better retextured dino here and there but other than that. It is an unfinished product and I wouldn't even spend a $1 on it.



    I hate this game. It objectively really bad and the devs suck too. I wish i had burned my money instead of buying this game.


    —Antoniosos Banderasas

    Would not even pirate this ♥♥♥♥


    —Shift Pixel


    Outrageous prices, definitively scam.

    In 2011 a Kickstarter was created with the goal of raising $10,000 in donations from the community to fund the game's development and to extend Prassel's comprehensive dildo collection.

    Drama was on it's way when (shortly after the Kickstarter was funded with well over $17,000) several members of Spiral Game Studio were fired without any reason given by Prassel or his fellow brothel goers. Many discussions were had but in the end none of the fired members was compensated, further increasing the amount of jew gold left in Prassel's wallet. [1] [2]

    In February 2014 the game was available for free on Steam for a few days. Most intelligent players stopped playing after they walked over 2000m to the first objective in Survival mode, leaving the game with a community consisting of 9 year olds and pedophiles trying to catch their child butts.

    During the week THE GAME WAS SOLD FOR ONLY $0.99, a price still too high for a game of this quality but it ensured that all the kiddies who stole their mother's credit cards could still play and fap to the game in the future without getting their asses spanked too much afterwards.

    Shortly after the event, on February 27th, Prassel decided that all the income he's made via Steam and the previous Kickstarter isn't enough, so he creates another one, this time with a goal of File:Kickerstarterfavicon.png $200.000.

    But what is the reason that YOU should support this?

    Pledge $5,000 to hang out with the incredible and trustworthy David Prassel at Disneyland for a day. Pledge $10,000 to hang out with the incredible and trustworthy David Prassel and his team and play the game with them at E3. It'll make you cheap and you'll end up on the street afterwards, but at least you had a good time before your demise.

    For everyone else, if this Kickstarter ever reaches its goal, something is wrong with humanity and you should kill yourself.

    Today we are officially announcing that all of our original backers from the 2011 KickStarter will receive EVERY game we EVER release whether is a year from now or 10 years from now - for FREE.



    A dream coming true.

    Q: How many developers are working on The Orion Project?
    A: Just under 20. We featured the core 8 developers on the page. Others are a bit more shy.



    —A.K.A. they're already fired.



    They have taught them well.
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    See Also

    External Links

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