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Smoking is an addictive habit in which the smoker burns tobacco in a long object and sucks white smoke from the tip. Smoking most closely resembles ritual, repetitive fellatio. It derives its addictive powers from this non-coincidental resemblance. As any Republican Senator can tell you, "once you cock, you can't stop."

As one of the most bizarre and drawn-out self-pwnage techniques known to humankind, it has a success rate of approximately 50%. This relatively low effectiveness compared to other techniques is more than offset by the extreme lulz of its users' tendency to pretend they're not harming themselves, or that they're even addicted at all.

Smoking, like fellatio, has a number of serious negative health impacts for the smoker, including cancer, heart disease, limpdick, and smelling like jenkem for hours after the last cigarette. This is all upstaged by the fact that sucking on a little burning phallus in public makes one cool -- possibly even an hero.

Smoking is also a guaranteed drama generator OTI. As a drama-generating technique, any smoking-related post is guaranteed to get at least 100 bitterly divisive comments, often touching off a flame war between whiny liberal moonbat anti-smokers and rabid libertarian smokers. Because tobacco smoke smells like shit and clings to lungs, skin, hair and clothing, anti-smokers hate it with a near-religious fervor. Because hippies are fundamentally offensive and the smell of their patchouli overpowers even the most potent cigar, pro-smokers defend their phallic habit with equal fervor. The resulting lulz-packed threads inevitably attract scores of Ayn Rand fanbois and asthmatic basement dwellers. Trolling opportunities abound.

The Who's Who of Smoking

People who smoke

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People who don't smoke

A typical smoking flamewar

The first post is usually something very similar to these two basic models:

  1. A new bill has just been passed banning smoking in [location]. [This is great!] or [This is bullshit!]
  2. I'm sick and tired of smelling filthy smoke in [public location]. It made my nerd asthma act up, and then I couldn't hear my anime movie because I have to keep the volume low due to my upstairs neighbors and I was coughing with an exaggerated sense of injured self-entitlement all through it! I hope all smokers die from exposure while smoking outside where they SHOULD be!

This initial seed sets off a chain reaction in which opponents quickly flock to the post and line up into the following factions:

  • Rabid anti-smokers who express a deep hatred for smokers, declare they would never even TOUCH one because of the foul ashtray stench, and will settle for nothing less than a blanket smoking ban in all public spaces.
  • Non-smokers or ex-smokers that don't care that much but get sucked in once accusations of racism and classism start flying (and oh, they will).
  • Smokers who don't care all that much or would like to quit, but admit they'd rather not have to smoke outside. These posters get sucked in when the rabid anti-smokers make snide comments at them.
  • Rabid smokers who insist that banning smoking ANYWHERE, including aeroplanes and gas stations, is an abridgement of their Constitutionally-enshrined right to smoke, and insist that the non-smokers should go outside if they're so addicted to fresh air.

Smoking will lead to contracting "the Gay"

Although if you do have AIDS you might as well start smoking.

Scientist have always wondered what made people "get the gay"

Recent studies show that 99.9% of people who smoke are likely to get the Gay.

And out of that 99.9% of people, 100% have already contracted the gay. It are Fact.

Smoking makes you gay

Baiting techniques

Because smoking leads directly to cancer and cancer is serious business, and because smoking is both a form of suicide and taxation visited disproportionately on the poor, stupid, and black, any smoking flamewar thinly masks undercurrents of class and race warfare. PROTIP: race and class related flamewars yield especially potent lulz. Bringing these arguments out in the open will double your merriment.


  • Suggest that all public funding for health care (Medicare, etc.) should be cut off for smokers diagnosed with cancer, emphysema, and other smoking-related illnesses. If dealing with particularly gullible lusers, make it all illnesses. Suggest that because smokers have freely chosen a slow form of suicide which they inflict as homicide upon others around them, paying for their medical treatment with your tax money is an abridgement of your "civil liberties." Make sure to include at least one sentence about smokers "rotting in the gutter like they deserve." Seen in action on the damnportlanders LJ community!
  • Completely overlook the fact that pack-a-day smokers pay more tax on their cigarettes every year than you do in gross income tax.
  • Suggest that a tax aimed solely at retards is unethical, and while you enjoy the public services funded by their stupidity, a civilized society would ban smoking outright for the protection of those too stupid to be trusted with making their own choices.


  • Point out that the poor and racial minorities smoke the most, and therefore bans on smoking, and in fact all taxes on smoking, are a form of race and class warfare instituted by rich white Jetta-driving CEOs/jews/conservatives. This will spin the liberal anti-smokers into defensive overdrive.
  • Adding to the previous, say that you knew racism ran deep, but to discriminate on the color of lungs was a totally new low.
  • Frame the entire debate as one solely about depriving you of your personal right to smoke where ever you see fit. Include Ayn Rand quotes on personal autonomy. Suggest that secondhand smoke is only a problem for those who "freely choose" to remain in the vicinity in places such as restaurants, airplanes, and intensive-care wards. Use loads of Conservapedia-style logic and big words in an effort to appear marginally reasonable enough that most anti-smokers cannot resist taking the bait. If American, bonus points for working in that your right to smoke equates to a pursuit of happiness protected by the very Declaration of Independence.
  • Note that, while cigarettes may give cancer being homosexual can give them AIDS
  • Contrary to popular belief, cigarette smoking does not harm your lungs, mouth or discolor your teeth. As a matter of fact, smoking is one of the most popular forms of cancer treatment, and can be used as a sleep aid, if done while in bed.

A Challenger Appears (Snus)

Snus is an old fashioned form of tobacco that originated in Sweden. It's considered an alternative to smoking and much more healthier for you. Taken as Serious Business in Sweden, it's recently arrived in Norway, where it's become popular and fashionable for 13 year old boys to posture about how bad-ass they are with their delicious nicotine, whilst still not reeking of cigarette smoke so that their alcoholic father won't beat them.

As if cramming powdered damp tobacco that stinks of old-man semen into your lips wasn't gay enough, women have started to jump on board the faggot-wagon, with their own brands of snus, with all kinds of fail flavours. Instead of the more manly way of just sticking that shit up there, women insist on having snus inside a fucking tea-bag, so that the delicious bits of tobacco won't clog up their throat.

Some argue that snus exists simply for the lulz, as long term use can result in some hilarious gore-tastic pictures.

Americans have their own form of snus, called dip. This is far cooler than anything else in this article and you should start RIGHT NOW.

Smoking Fetish

Dangling the cigarette, is also another thing the fetishists enjoy

There are also people out there who enjoy watching women smoke for aesthetic reasons. The smoking fetish is quite simply about watching other people sticking phallic symbols into their mouth and blowing smoke out of it. Whether it's just watching them smoke like they would normally or watching them having sex and smoking. NVM, always the latter. They do not have to be smokers themselves to be attracted towards these types of women. Most people will flame, or sage people who like women who smoke, which is one of the many reasons Rule 41 was created. Even though there are severe health affects for smokers, the people who have the fetish view women smokers as a very beautiful thing.

Some smoking fetishists merely observe, while others become personally involved with smokers. Several online vendors cater to the fetish with videos and photos, which often also show explicit sexual acts.

There are many opinions and theories as to why many men (AND women!) find smoking attractive, sexy and alluring. A few of the most common that we hear (sometimes by themselves, sometimes in combination);

- women who smoke are easier to bone when high, if they're smoking the fun stuff.

- women who smoke are "naughty"; they deliberately do something that is sometimes (today, more than ever!) viewed as socially unacceptable, unfeminine or just plain "wrong." (Many are attracted to innocent-looking women who 'don't look like they'd be a smoker'; that seems to be quite common.)

- women who smoke are more relaxed, carefree, fun-loving and not as uptight; many guys see smoking as a reflection of the attitude: "I do what I like." Once again, easier to bone.

- women who smoke are often more confident of their sexuality; they may even use their smoking as a "tool" or "prop" to attract attention. Yet again, easier to bone.

- finally, many can't even explain the reason for their attraction to women who smoke, any more than other people can explain why they're attracted to women with long hair or nice legs. Plain and simple, it just turns them on.

As for what it is that fetishists are attracted to---again, it varies depending on the person. Probably the three most common answers we hear are:

- the exhale---it's quite sensuous and alluring, particularly when women are "accomplished" or "talented" smokers. (You'll often hear people who feel this way express a preference for women who french inhale, exhale through their nostrils, blow smoke rings, and so on.) - the manner---how they handle their cigarette and their inhaling and exhaling. - what's being smoked---the smoking fetish is often quite specific, with many guys often attracted primarily to (depending on their fetish) women who smoke long cigarettes, women who smoke cigarettes with white filters or brown filters, women who smoke strong cigarettes, and so on. There are also quite a few who are attracted to women who smoke cigars, or women who use cigarette holders.

The Many Health Benefits to Smoking

Doctors Smoke Camels.jpg

The benefits to smoking are often overlooked. List of perks includes:

  • Helps you see lasers. You never know when there might be trip alarms unless you're smoking.
  • Lighting a room in a creepy way. Sitting in the dark with a cigarette, and then you puff. BOOM! Instant shadowy figure.
  • Nicotine Rush. When the 'buzz' kicks in, you'll be a one man army due to stimulants coursing through your veins. Better kill quickly though, doesn't last long and there are a lot of gooks.


Electronic cigarettes (known colloquially as the electric fag) is a new way of imbibing that sweet sweet nicotine. Instead of taking a big, beefy drag on a traditional cowboy killer, you instead inhale fruity nicotine mist. That is, if you buy the rechargeable e-cigs. This is fail for many reasons, but the number one reason for failure is that you don't get the nicotine rush making you want to buy more being left with an empty wallet. Just buy the disposables since they have a hardcore rush of nicotine. Reason being is that the e-fags don't give off the carbon monoxide that lightly strangles your brain, throwing you into a minority killing frenzy because your heart is pumping harder to supply your grey matter with oxygen.


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See Also



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