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    Security Faggots

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    This article is a crappy stub. You can help by completely re-writing it. Be sure to make it longer, girthier, and more pleasurable.

    Commonly known as security researchers, security professionals and other euphemisms for tranny trap and morbidly obese basement dweller, these seemingly human beings invest their entire lives on producing utterly useless crap known as security research, among advisories and generally any type of covert and almost subtle marketing for the companies they work for.

    Security faggot anthem

    I am a security faggot, and this is my manifesto. I might never experience real life sexuality without investing big bucks on it, I might never stop looking like a whale, I might die of heart strokes due to my morbid obesity. But now that the Lord knows my suffering, for he is kind, I know I will work on a penetration testing consulting firm for the rest of my pathetic life. Lord, you who are omnipotent and everlasting, give me the force to poke the keyboard and reply to those pesky flames, ignore GOBBLES and his superior skillsets and stamina, provide me with unlimited amounts of coke and soda, and my fellow security faggots who secretly envy and despise my work, even though they invite me to lapdances in Defcon and fap to my home made pornography. Shall my words be heard, Lord, please save me from the Judgement Day, when computer security becomes as useless as my cock. Amen.

    How can I identify security faggots?

    These basement dwellers love to meet up in conferences and organize orgies for their fellow coprophiliacs. Fortunately, there's enough photographical evidence supporting this fact:

    Beware of whales

    The security industry was invaded circa 100 years ago by white whales from outer space. The ensuing First Contact War yielded unexpected results, allowing the whales to stay on Planet Earth and deplete unreported amounts of semen and KFC chicken legs. This caused wreckage in several security consultancies, since the customary closets and offices had to be expanded.

    400pxJeremiah and andrew.jpg

    The security faggot checklist

    • Morbidly obese or well beyond being overweight
    • Wears baseball cups and other camo clothing (XL sized t-shirts to hide the bitch tits)
    • Laptop covered in stickers and random ugly crap
    • Sexually inhibited
    • Always wears marketing clothing of their company
    • Most likely, obnoxious attitude like an attention whore

    Typical security faggot companies

    Due to the overwhelming growth of the security industry, this list might be incomplete or utter shit.

    The typical basement of a security faggot


    Infamous security faggots

    There are widely known security faggots who made their way into the news thanks to their sexual orientation and interests:

    Famous security faggot buttseckers

    If there's anyone to thank for the fate of security faggots, it's these men who fought for freedom and justice against the security faggot menace:

    Security Faggots is part of a series on Security Faggots

    1337 h4x0rz

    Captain CrunchCult of the Dead CowDavid L. SmithGary McKinnonGOBBLESHD MooreJeff MossKevin MitnickLance M. HavokRobert MorrisTheo de RaadtweevWoz


    2cashAnonOpsBrian SalcedoFearnorFry GuyGadi Evrong00nsHack This SiteHacking TeamhannJoanna RutkowskaJohn FieldJoseph CampLizard SquadLulzSecMark ZuckerbergMarshviperXMasters of DeceptionMichael LynnKrashedRavenr000tRyanSteve Gibsonth3j35t3rThe RegimeSabuZeekill

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    Security Faggots is part of a series on


    Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.