North Britain

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I'd like to drop an atom bomb
on the fucking Highlands
that would stop their whining
being Scottish is like having sex
with a dead camel or
the editor of a poetry magazine



—Scotland's national bard, Francis Gallagher

File:Brexit indyscot nicola sturgeon and martin schultz.jpg
Perfidious Alba gets a totally not-staged post-Brexit photo-op welcome from the EU. Problem, England?
Trust a Scot?
I'd rather not.
The first Fuhrer First Minister of Scotland

North Britain 20px or England's Toupee (previously known as Scotland), is a small village near Norway. Part of Great Britain since 1707, it has tried to get a divorce several times, including a failed coup in 2014 when despite loads of Braveheart-style nonsense the miserly drunks realised they couldn't hack it on the world stage. Then in 2016, England tried to drag them out of the EU and the kilted Kikes of North Britain decided to seize the moment and make a break for it.

This is entirely in keeping with their treachery, since Hugh McDiarmid -- the founder of modern so-called "Scottish" nationalism (and "Scotland"'s greatest modern 'poet') -- was a Nazi sympathiser who was quite happy to see Germany win the Second World War if it meant a better deal for "Scotland." Brilliantly, he decided he was also a Communist, just to double his chances of victory. At first, MI5 thought he was 'a menace' but soon discovered that he was too much of a booze-sodden fantasist to be a threat to National Security. Eventually, both the "Scottish" nationalists and the Commies told him to GTFO, and he went back to crying and wanking in his windowless granite hovel.

Nevertheless, McDiarmid's legacy lives on in today's so-called "Scottish National Party", under the leadership of Nicola "Wee Jimmie" McSturgeon and her woad-wearing turncoat rabble in their pretend parliament at Holyrood.

North Britain today is well known for their awesome peps (whom wear a sexually appealing skirt known as a "kilt"), mass consumption of alcohol, drug problems, legally allowing the mass breeding of Gingers unchecked and primarily for hating the English for raping their children. North Britain's national languages are Gaelic and "Scottish" (a descendant of drunk talk and non-coherent mumbling), which is their very own mangled rape attempt on the English language. So-called "Scotland" is also famous for inventing English and soccer

The town of Paisley is the death capital of the world. The best damn country in the whole universe. Most Americans think it's all just hills and sheep. They're wrong. There is hills, sheep and IRN BRU - the best beverage known to man!

At's Shӕite Bein' Scöttash ken

Nazi european union.jpg

Scottish people, in their own delusional self-image, personify win. They are the Koreans of Europe; they claim to have invented everything, yet they don't have anything to show for it, and hate any country that makes them realize how flawed they are by producing improved versions. To compensate for this, they have an obnoxious superiority complex towards any country they could manage to remember the name of in between each bottle of whiskey. They pretend to be like this for the benefit of every other country but in actual fact they all have the "Scottish Cringe". They hate themselves and everything to do with their country so they put on a show of superiority as to hide their shame. They are dreadful in every single way. It is widely held in the international community that the Scrots are responsible for AIDS and all of the world’s wars.

Oh yeah, they hold grudges against the English over retarded shit that happened over 9000 years before they were even born. They also speak a 'language' so abhorrent that Wikipedia gave it a separate fucking encyclopedia. No wonder they want to join the European Union as no-one in Europe will be able to understand what a hideous fuck-up they make when trying to speak the world's greatest language.

Relationship with England

The short version:

If you're some manner of outsider and have trouble understanding how Scotland compares to England, then consult this helpful guide by clicking on the following symbol: [[-][+]]

If England was America, Scotland would be Canada.

If England was Australia, Scotland would be New Zealand.

If England was Spain, Scotland would be Portugal.

If England was Brazil, Scotland would be Uruguay.

If England was China, Scotland would be Hong Kong.

If England was The Earth, Scotland would be The Moon.

If England was Russia, Scotland would be Ukraine.

If England was Bald, Scotland would be Wig.

If England was England, The whole world would be Scotland.

If England was Drawer, Scotland would be Kitchen Knife.

If England was Television, Scotland would be Remote.

If England was Coyote, Scotland would be dynamite.

If England was Cyrodiil, Scotland would be Skyrim.

Ongoing Grudgewank

The slightly longer version:

United kingdom union jack map.jpg
You can't even give it away

In a nutshell, Scotland took over England and then got kicked out and abolished, and has been plotting revenge for hundreds of years. When England's bald Welsh Queen Elizabeth I died without leaving any children, her cousin King James VI of Scotland became the King of England too (and was known as James I to the English). This made Scotland happy, but it was the last time they got the better of their neighbours. James I's son and successor Charles I turned out to be an insane dictator and the English rose up and chopped his head off. Then Charles I's grandson, James II (and VII), turned out to be an insane dictator (seeing a theme here?) and was told to GTFO. That was the end of the Scots tyranny and the land rejoiced in its new-found freedom.

Shortly after that, the Germans took over and unified Scotland and England and a bit of Ireland that no-one was using (hence "United Kingdom", geddit?) The evil Scots were unamused and tried several times to invade England during the 18th Century and topple the rightful King. But they failed miserably because they were drunk, fat, and gay. In revenge, the English carried out the Highland Clearances and B& the Scots from wearing their tranny gear.

Finally vanquished, the Scottish threat subsided for many years, contenting themselves with pathetic temper tantrums such as bombing public mail-boxes because they carried the inscription "Elizabeth II" (the present Queen is really "Elizabeth I" in Scotland). The English just lolled and went back to their cream teas and doing the Lambeth Walk. However, the Scottish serpent reared up again and that is how things stand today, with England locked in a death struggle with the resurrected monster of Scots Nationalism.

Examples include the training of specialist undercover dogs to demoralise the nation and spreading false propaganda that England was willing to let Germany invade Scotland during WWII. This last one doesn't annoy them because England was going to abandon Scotland, they're pissed off because England won the war and Germany didn't get to invade Scotland in the end, where hotel rooms were being spruced up from 1939 onward in eager anticipation of the Teutonic liberators, the white-pudding-eating red-pubed quislings.

As a sign of resurgent Scottish nationalism, on the very same day in June 2016 that Scotland began official talks about joining the EU, a Scottish woman going by the online alias "A-Bus-Full-Of-Retards" was officially crowned the UK's "Miss Hitler 2016".

Retardness, royal aspierations, Nazism, and transvestism - all rolled into one bundle of incoherent hatred. The perfect symbol of Scotland's true ambition, ladies and gentlemen.

The Scotsman

A Warning From History

A short Englishman with a head-cold and severe mental retardation, most notable for their fondness for animal innards and deep fried anything, which they probably only eat because they've lost so many drinking games to the Irish. They also get sunburn from fireworks and therefore can't celebrate St Patrick's day, something else the Irish can do quite well at. They have an inability to string a sentence together that makes sense or doesn't involve the words, fuck, cunt, "English wankers/French sissies/Welsh trolls" or "got any special brew pal?".

The Scrotsman is also known to be extremely Jew with his money, thus, in the rest of the UK all the jokes you hear in America about Jews being tight-fisted are about Scots. Although more intelligent than their English chav counterparts, nearly all Scottish people suffer from unwarranted self-importance and believe Scatland is the greatest country ever. This is ten times worse than the average American redneck. Many departments of tourism say it is common knowledge to only approach Scrottish people when they are on heroin, as this is their most relaxed state.

Scrotsmen like Sean Connery (who lives in Barbados, btw) always bitch about wanting a divorce from England, but never follow through because they know deep down Scatland is promoted to part-shithole from shithole while being part of the UK. This is similar to the middle-aged fat bitch everyone knows who whines about wanting a divorce but stays with her cheating husband for cock, money or food.


The Scottish they got culture, over 9000 years of it, they say to you. The local Scotsman will try to tell you the culture of Scotland but when they do simply tell then that they will never be independent from England.

In the 1980s a BBC documentary drama called "Threads" depicted the aftermath of global nuclear war and the struggle to survive and rebuild society. Starving, moaning survivors stumbled amid scenes of utter devastation, all depicted in such harrowing detail that TV reviewers resigned en masse and even today many Britons feel sick to their stomachs at the very memory. In fact, this portrayal of a collapsing civilisation was achieved at very low cost by spreading a rumour in Cumbernauld that a packet of cigarettes had been lost in the nearby village of Queenzieburn. The citizens of Cumbernauld then deserted their town like a plague of locusts and were secretly filmed doing so to be used as scenes of panic. While they were gone for the day, the cameramen and actors used their detritus-strewn empty streets and dilapidated houses to show the depths to which humanity could so easily be sunk.


Scotland has a distinct language of its own, called Scots. It is in absolutely no way whatsoever a version of English that is written to be read out loud in a Scots accent, with a few bits of Scottish slang thrown in at random. None, do you hear? Indeed, the Scots language is used in Scotland's national paper, called The National, which isn't a national paper because Scotland isn't a nation, it's a country. The National's chief Scots-language writer is poet Robert Wilson, who writes a regular column with his proud tongue (actually a spacker-stick on his forehead, because his fingers are too busy clutching at nearby pennies and unscrewing the bottle-caps of cheap whiskey).

Here are some of Robert Wilson's thoughts, as proudly promulgated by the National, which is in no way a complete fucking joke of a paper relying on bitter, ginger, alcoholic shut-ins for its readership.

Survival Guide

Don't come to Scotland. If forced to, gather together the following:

  • Stab-proof vest
  • A prepapared set of anti-English shouts (or French. Or Irish. Or Welsh. Or German. Or American. Or Japanese. Or African. Or..Just call everyone a cunt)
  • A bottle of Buckfast (for tempting neds when they attack)
  • A wallet (if no Buckfast available)
  • Water proofs FUCKING LOADS of waterproofs!!

A Typical night in Glasgow

The horrors of the Scotch in their natural habitat!

Useful phrases

N.b., A Scot's bin is always unused
  • Hello.
  • Whit the fuck are you lookin at bytheway
  • Could you help me, please?
  • Hey you geez ten quid fae some smack innit ahm pure gwan mental so ah am
  • No thank you.
  • Ach fuxache gaunnae fuck aff afore ah chib ye, eh?
  • I would like these flowers, please.
  • Youse keep edgy for the polis whilst ah pan the windaes
  • Is this train going to [X]?
  • Mah bellend's pure loupin affa shaggin yon manky bud wiz fukn pus drippin offa its pishflaps ahm tellin ya
  • What does the chef recommend?
  • Wiz fukn mental wi it last night innit fukn five bottles ae bucky nutted a fukn polis n lay in a pool ae ma oan pish in ma close fae sen oors fukn pure dead brewyinnt mate

Scottish Creations

Loch Ness

Snotland is also home to the Loch Ness, a large tepid puddle of piss and rainwater, which, according to a popular Scottish creepypasta is said to be inhabited by the legendary Loch Ness Monster, a strange, sea serpent-like creature of incredible size that has apparently lived in the loch since prehistoric times.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

Claims made by cryptozoologists regarding the existence of 'Nessie', as the locals affectionately refer to the monster, have been subject of much debate by the scientific community. Some argue that the stories of the monster's existence are nothing more than fabrications designed to attract tourists to an otherwise boring place like Loch Ness and sell them overpriced plush plesiosauruses in funny tartan hats, but nevertheless there is a wealth of evidence to support the idea that a creature or, more likely, a community of multiple carnivorous creatures of great size could live quite happily and comfortably in a small Scottish lake for millions of years with nobody ever seeing them including many blurry, out-of-focus black and white photographs and written confessions of people who had previously claimed to have seen the monster admitting that, yeah, actually, they just made the whole thing up.

In 1996, they made a movie about Loch Ness starring Ted Danson, but nobody saw it. Ironic, really.

Since it is a vast prehistoric behemoth that lurks in Scotland and is only ever glimpsed fleetingly by tourists, it is quite obvious that the Loch Ness Monster is in fact a Psy-Op aimed at keeping the English in a permanent state of anxiety about an ancient power waiting to emerge in the Highlands, like some tartan version of the Kraken of yore. But because it's a Scottish psy-op, it fails.

War On Terror

This is Glasgæ, we'll set aboot ye!


—Smeaton's heroic speech

Scatland's Minister For Defence.

Even though Scuntland claims to have invented terrorism, the Scots have become the driving force for the War on Terror. The main reason for this is the Scottish national hero, a man called John Smeaton. He is a racist who hates all sandniggers and other niggers because they are fucking terrorists. He also prefers buttsex. However, when you remember that even the men wear skirts, it makes sense to go in the backdoor just in case you get a surprise round the front. This time it's not Protestants against Catholics, it's Pakis against the world.

John Smeaton, a baggage handler at Glasgow Airport, is famous for having kicked a burning suicidal terrorist in the balls last Thursday, during a terrorist attack. Ironically, after mainstream media appearances and a Bebo appreciation site set up for him, he has become a target for terrorists in himself and has thus been pwned by the system and will soon become an hero. He only had one remark in response to his courageous deed:

John Smeaton, king of Scotland for punching a burning SANDNIGGER... yeah, thanks that really helped. The overseer of Scotland can be seen here being an "oan tha' telly" toughguy hes almost as good as shitting dick nipples. Glasgow really is the only place in the world where you'd tackle someone who was burning to death.

How to troll the Scottish

Learn the difference. Or get robbed by the Britkikes
  • Ask them if Scotland will ever be free
  • Ask if England will ever be rid of Scotland
  • Point out that Britain's most successful Scottish Prime Minister succeeded in politics by pretending to be English and that Britain's most obviously Scottish Prime Minister never even managed to win a single election
  • Call them a jocky
  • Ask why the guys have such fuzzy ass eyebrows
  • Say that Scottish music is for fags
  • Ask why Scotland's two most famous creatures are both imaginary: OR -
  • Pretend you think the Haggis is a real animal (it's a famous wind-up among Scots to tell naïve tourists that Haggises are real animals, but if you never let on that you suspect otherwise and keep asking to see one, they will soon get annoyed because you appear not to be trollable by their lies)
  • Ask everyone you meet where you can buy some of this world-famous Scottish "smack" you keep hearing about, but pretend you think it's some kind of local delicacy
  • Approach drug dealers (available in most Scottish pubs) and repeatedly ask them to sell you some "Haggis" as though you think it's a street name for something more interesting
  • Insist that all Scottish lavatories are like the one seen in the film Trainspotting
  • Point out that the minute he got Rich And Famous, the star of Trainspotting fucked off to America the first chance he got and never came back
  • Ask them why the men wear skirts there
  • Insist on addressing kilt-wearing Scotsmen as though they were skirt-wearing women and skirt-wearing Scotswomen as though they were kilt-wearing men (this one is actually quite easy to do unintentionally, given their fantastic Scottish genes)
  • Ask a Scot to lift up his or her skirt because you've never seen day-glo ginger pubic hair before
  • If they try to troll you back by lifting their skirt and exposing their genitals, troll them right back by acting shocked and apologise because you thought they were the opposite sex to the one they are
  • Call them a "Faggistani". It sounds like Pakistani refering to them that they're from a third world country while also making fun of haggis.
  • Ask them why the Scottish were regarded as such a feeble threat by the Romans that when they invaded Britain before Jesus was born and built Hadrian's Wall right across England's northern border to keep the Scots out, they decided they only needed to make the wall about five feet tall at its highest point
  • Point out that Scotland was an uninhabitable wilderness until the Irish decided to colonise it because they were drunk and had nothing better to do and that all their Mc/Mac clan names, each clan's tartans and even their fucking dreadful-sounding bagpipes are all Irish inventions. Then ask for directions to the nearest Irish theme-pub.
  • Make fun of their national football team.
  • Make sure you pay for everything with English-issued currency only and insist loudly on not being given any Scottish-issued currency in your change as though the person you're paying is obviously out to swindle you, despite the fact that Scottish and English banknotes are interchangeable. Become outraged if anyone tries to explain this to you, repeating "I know what thieving fucking Jews you Scottish cunts are!"
  • Ask them: "If you're so rich in culture, why did Scotland lose its old traditions to the English about 1000 years ago?"
  • Point out that if Scotland hadn't Jewed its way into the Act of Union in the year 1706 and the Scottish Parliament hadn't voted to abolish itself, they wouldn't be wanting their fucking independence back from England in the first place, would they?
  • Tell them that Her Majesty the Queen (God Bless Her) dislikes the Scottish so much that she lives in London, only visits Scotland to stay in Her "holiday castle" and never appears in public on Scottish soil, and thinks so little of the place that She turned up to Her official Scottish coronation wearing a coat and carrying a handbag like she was just going shopping or something
  • Remind them that Her Majesty's husband Prince Philip is Duke of their capital city and fucking hates them for being drunks
  • Invite them to celebrate British unity by joining in singing the National Anthem. They will run out of lyrics by the end of verse one, but you keep going until you reach verse six
  • Wonder out loud why it is that they can't name a single Scottish king, not even MacBeth, despite MacBeth being one of the biggest murdering cheats in Scottish history, to the extent that England's national poet wrote one of the greatest plays of all time about him
  • Tell a Scottish person that the English could beat your ass anyday.
  • Tell them how fat and unattractive you find even the best-looking Scottish woman.
  • Ask them if they really do fuck sheep
  • Always use the word "Scotch" instead of "Scottish", except when referring to a "Scottish Egg"
  • Ask them what part of England Scotland is in

See Also

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North Britain
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