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    Schnookums

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    Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit their talk page.


    FSS Main.gif
    WARNING
    This user is a filthy fucking furfag.


    You can help by hunting them down, deriding their psychological maladjustment to life, turning them into roadkill, and performing taxidermy on them.
    Watch the CSI episode where it all happens.


    Schnookums (originally fashioned as Snookums), aka Weasel, Lurking Schnookums, Interstellar Shipping & Trading Co., David Th3purifier, and countless other sock accounts, is an infamous ED admin and a former contributor to WikiFur.

    His list of endeavors include previously being banned from both Encyclopedia Dramatica and WikiFur, being EDF's shortest-lived moderator until he begged to have his privs back, a well-earned nomination for Faggot of the Year in 2013, and a well-earned victory for Faggot of the Year for 2014. Also notable was his online slap fight with disgraced former admin Onideus (which resulted in a temporary hissy fit until the Hatter was eventually banned), and a since-resolved online battle with ED sysop Uberfukken over the weasel's obsessive stalking behavior, as well as a dramatic saga between the two of them and a Hungarian otter.

    Schnookums is an autistically-challenged furfag whose time on the wiki is spent developing new and ever more complicated ways of going about things. He's also known for sharing boring news stories on the ED forums and using them as an outlet for his political views, commandeering the main page with the aid of Brand X coffee and Evan Williams bourbon, and verbally fellating new users so that they might give consideration to becoming his friend.

    When not shitting up the wiki or the forums, he can be observed engaging in cringe-worthy conversations in IRC. Users of ED-related channels have on more than one occasion proposed the creation of a Kickstarter project in order to finance the payment of corrupt IRCops and have him G-lined for great justice.

    File:Circular-logic.jpg
    The endless cycle of his faggotry.

    What We Know

    Schnookums is a godless politifur who is very good with covering his digital tracks and offers little to no information about himself. He is yet to show his weaselly face on camera to anyone. Naturally this tells everyone he has much to hide, and that he most likely has more skeletons in his closet than Jeffrey Dahmer did.

    By his own admission, our weasel pal has divulged his age as being in his 30's. That's a reputable age to be passing yourself off as an animated purple weasel on the internet!

    2 of his furrets.

    With his political beliefs, his preference of whiskey and country music, and his ungodly yeehaw accent, Schnookums claims the land of steers and queers as his home state. Schnookums may have ties to New Jersey (Schnooki from Jersey!) based off a drunk chat with Beekeeper (Matthew Coons of British Columbia, Canada), a guy who was persuaded by several people on 888chan to revenge-post photos and information about his furry sister BALEETED Savannah (Karen Coons), who Schnookums was hoping to hook up with. In April 2014, he temporarily fled Texas on horseback by riding up north to Colorado.

    His latest ferret Ness, a gift from Meepsheep.

    Claiming to be a vegetarian, you'd expect Schnookums to be sickly pale and scrawny in appearance. His roommates don't mind, though. They're all animals that are eagerly standing by to pick at his bones once he croaks from malnutrition.

    Schnookums himself has admitted to being an excessive drinker who is sometimes usually drunk while editing ED and often drinks himself to sleep at night every morning. How he manages to hold a job is a question science is yet to answer.

    Schnookums also admits he's a self-loathing furfag, but denies that he fursuits or goes to furcons. When he isn't working, he spends all his free time jerking off to hawt, yiffy, role-playing sessions with random ladyfurs on furryMUCK. There's simply no natural attraction to fellow humans existing in his perverted brain. He deals with this dilemma by taking his rage out on other furfags.

    An EDiot should take caution to NEVER trust a weasel.

    Animal Hoarding

    His kitty.

    The following is an up to date, confirmed list of all the pets that Schnookums is currently hoarding at his lonely litterbox of a residence:

    • 5 ferrets - no, this is not a typo.
    • 1 cat - wants to kill the ferrets.
    • 1 mouse - wants to kill Schnookums.
    • 1 pygmy rabbit - may be small, but can still kill Schnookums.

    As if that's not enough already, he's also expressed interest in obtaining a few rats and a skunk. Be thankful you're not one of his neighbors.

    "User Friendly"

       
     
    You gotta realize I'm the most new user-friendly admin on ED.
     

     
     

    120px Good News, Everyone!
    Lyle was 14px resurrected by the power of Wilkins!


    File:Schnookumsshop.jpg
    An artistic reenactment of the photo that started it all.
    The forums response.

    Schnookums has a disturbing friendship with a man obsessed with otters whom he was at one point on bad terms with, but that wasn't as bad as when he fucked over a man obsessed with box turtles.

    A disturbing photo was posted to the forums, which baited Schnookums into reporting it to the head honchos. Lyle was banned as a result, and vowed never to return again... but not before venturing onto the wiki one final time to upload more bestiality. He lurked around on Facebook and Tinychat until the flames died down, then came back in full cat-killing form on both the wiki and the forums.

    File:Fuck you from lyle.jpg
    Lyle sends a message from beyond the grave.
    File:Belly rubs.jpg
    Schnookums giving Linkermann some belly rubs.

    Meanwhile, the forums were lit ablaze with feels over the photo snitching, and things started going downhill from there. Schnookums gained himself a new enemy, and this would ultimately lead to the loss of a friend.

    After the ensuing de-ottering, several months worth of private chat logs (LOL baleeted by Schnookums) consisting of private yiff attempts between a man pretending to be a weasel and a man pretending to be an otter were leaked by the otter himself in an effort to expose him, earning him the nickname "Missionary Otter." Aside from insufferable belly rubs, the logs basically revealed that Schnookums had only been buttering Linkermann up the entire time so he could extract Uberfukken's given name from him, a fact which Uberfukken has actually shared with many EDiots who aren't obsessive stalkers. Apparently he needed to add it to his list of personal information he had compiled by reading through several years worth of Uber's forum/shoutbox posts.

    This forum drama caused Schnookums to become an inspiring subject for music, including two diss raps from a ban-evading veteran originally believed to be a noob, and two collaborations by drunken forum rat Template:Soundcloud, all of which can be found below.

    Music

    14px Weezus Christ

    "Schnookums is a Baby Back Bitch"


    "Schnookums [Lynch Mob Remix]"


    Hardcore Diss Raps

    • "Fuck Schnookums (A cappella)"


    Lyrics
    Fuck you weasel, I'm here to outfox you
    Put the gloves on and box you
    I'll donate fifty bucks to ED if someone will step up and dox you
    
    You can't look in the mirror without seeing a hideous mess
    You're more of a wretch than Gretch
    Na, fuck you Gretchen, get back in the kitchen
    No one asked for a sandwich, so go an hero and quit bitchin'
    
    A 30-something sickly frail vegetarian
    And who knows what sort of disease you be carryin'
    You need protein, so prepare for indecent exposure
    Don't worry little Jewboy, my cock is kosher
    
    Get off the forums. Take a hint. Everybody hates you
    Not even a Hungarian otter man can relate to you
    Uberfukken buried you, and turned you into roadkill
    But here you are begging for attention and recognition still
    
    A well-known furfag who claims to enjoy the occasional yiff
    I feel sorry for all four of the ferrets that you live with
    And I bet they pay the rent
    Cus you sit at home all day, faggin' up the forums like a cancerous plague
    
    Just go away. Get the fuck out, man. Yiff in hell
    Your time will soon be up, but only time will tell
    And this is all so sad...haha
    Sickpuppy66 got this one in the bag
    
    Yeah. RIP to Schnookums
    The only tags you need is a fagtag and a toe tag
    



    • "Fuck Schnookums (Pt.II)"


    Lyrics
    Yeah bitch, time for part 2. You ready to get buried for good?
    
    Baby back bitch, outed as a snitch
    Quick to drop a dime on Lyle like it ain't nobody's business
    Weasel-faced faggot. Lick a ferret's dick
    Before I even started your sorry ass was already finished
    
    Found an otter and fell in love, givin' belly rubs, aimlessly hopin'
    Onideus left a scar on ED, and you keep tearin' it back open
    
    You're the WikiFur stray that won't go away
    Can't find acceptance anywhere... my, isn't that strange?
    
    Schnookums works for the feds, and I'm not talkin' FedEx
    Keep talkin' shit and he'll be quick to ship a party van express
    
    Interstellar Shipping & Trading, cus he's also a traitor
    His only friends in life are the animals he hoards in his trailer
    
    He's a freak of nature, his whole existence is a sin
    So go throw your keyboard against the wall and drink yourself to sleep again
    
    Your tears are lubricant for me to stay strong and carry on
    Schnookums the type of sad motherfucker that should have never been born
    


    Forum Drama

    File:The Creation of Wilkins.jpg
    Schnookums' forum life in a nutshell.


    Schnookums being trollbaited in the forums by reigning faggot Milwin.

    The drama mentioned above gave Schnookums a terrible reputation on the forums he once felt at home on. Instead of realizing why he was being outed from them like Onideus before him and trying to make things right, he began to react childishly by making it his mission to undermine the place as much as possible for his own selfish amusement. He suddenly claimed the forums were nothing more than a place for EDiots to "cannibalize" each other on, as if he had never stalked

    1. redirect Template:EDF on ED himself over something as petty as an argument or a slapfight, and that the Noob Introduction thread was counter-productively scaring off new users, as if past posts didn't show him telling new users to fuck off and kill themselves. He also jumped on the IRC > forums bandwagon to further prove this stance.

    For the longest time after this drama, every time Schnookums showed up in a thread on the forums, his name got mentioned in a post, or even if the word "weasel" was typed by anyone, a clusterfuck of tags would soon follow.

    Outside of being read in a thick Hungarian accent, they were generally unfunny, that is until they were packaged together into a collaboration song by Weezus Christ as a "Lynch Mob Remix."

    Below is a compiled list of tags that followed his presence on the forums like his own shadow. As if the forums weren't interesting enough already...


    schnookums has an unwiped asshole, 
    schnookums douches his asshole with coffee grounds,
     schnookums rubs belly for 37 cents, 
    schnookums should take college courses online, 
    schnookums went on DA and liked your art, 
    schnuky faps like a baboon, 
    schnookums sucks eggs into his asshole, 
    schnookums flunked out of law school, 
    schnookums deletes tags out of butthurt, 
    don't worry I'll put them back, 
    schnnokums is a babyback bitch, 
    schnookums eats assholes with jelly, 
    schnookums is a faggot, 
    schnookums is a crybaby, 
    schnookums is a fbi informant, 
    schnookums is a nigger, 
    schnookums got trolled off the forums, 
    schnookums has a mishapen anus, 
    schnookums is poor, 
    schnookums is a underweight manlet, 
    schnookums will never have friends, 
    schnookums has never been laid, 
    schnookums is a virgin, 
    onideos made schnookums cry, 
    schnookums is a whiny cunt, 
    schnookums is a unfunny faggot, 
    scnookums should hang himself, 
    schnookums hides his profile like a bitch, 
    scnookums hides from his roommates, 
    schnookums is from texas, 
    schnookums is a queer, 
    schnookums was beat by his father, 
    edf2 gave schnookums ptsd, 
    schnookums is obsessed with uber, 
    schnookums beats his baby dick to uber, 
    schnookums is a friendless virgin, 
    *rubs belly*, 
    scnookums annoys mods, 
    schnookums reports everything, 
    schnookums mother is ashamed, 
    schnookums parents wanted an abortion, 
    schnookums family hates him, 
    schnookums is alone, 
    schnookums lives a sad life, 
    schnooks sucked off a hobo, 
    schnookums frequents glory holes, 
    schnookums has aids, 
    shnookums has hiv, 
    schnookums has grids, 
    schnookums is a loser, 
    schnookums cuts himself, 
    schnookums is pathetic, 
    schnookums fucks animals, 
    schnookums beats off to beastiality, 
    schnookums shoots beastiality, 
    scnookums has sex with animals, 
    schnookums fucks ferrits, 
    schnookums fucks small animals, 
    schnookums fucks large animals, 
    schnookums fucks medium sized animals, 
    schnookums fucks birds, 
    schnookums fucks dogs, 
    schnookums fingered a cat, 
    no one lets schnookums watch their kids, 
    schnookums is a sex offender, 
    schnookums fucks gerbils, 
    schnookums fucks rabbits, 
    schnookums fucks deer, 
    scnookums is gay, 
    schnookums is a homosexual, 
    schnookums is a shut in, 
    schnookums never leavs his room, 
    schnookums fucks frogs, 
    schnookums hates turtles, 
    schnookums lets ferrits lick his dick, 
    schnookums was raped by a family member, 
    schnookums got chased off the forums, 
    schnookums was raped by the pope, 
    schnookums sticks weasels in his ass, 
    oh look schnookums fails again, 
    schnookums is a failure, 
    schnookums has never done anything worthwhile, in his entire life, 
    schnookums is a welfare queen, 
    schnookums has autism, 
    schnookums has high functioning autism*, 
    *rubs belly, 
    schnookums crys himself to sleep, 
    schnookums has an assortmant of stuffed animals, 
    schnookums hates his life, 
    schnookums wishes he was dead, 
    schnookums shits his diaper, 
    schnookums is unfunny, 
    schnookums sucks cocks, 
    schnookums jerks his baby dick to weasels, 
    schnookums is too much of a pussy to kill himself, 
    no one would miss schnookums if he killed himelf, 
    schnookums reads cosmopolitan, 
    schnookums fucks all animals, 
    schnookums got touched by an uncle, 
    schnookums sucks assholes, 
    schnookums suffers from depression, 
    schnookums uses his tears as lube, 
    schnookums gets no pussy, 
    schnookums is a fur fag, 
    schnookums is a friendless faggot, 
    schnookums eats his own cum, 
    schnookums cant stand to look in a mirror, 
    schnookums has adult acne, 
    schnookums hasto force himself to shower,
    schnookums yiffs with 15 y/o boys, 
    schnookums has diabetus, 
    schnookums will be alone forever, 
    schnookums wil never have a worthwile relationship, 
    schnookums should end his life, 
    rubs belly*, 
    OMG SOMEONE IS DELETING TAGS, 
    schookums is foul, 
    schnookums is butthurt, 
    schnookums raped me, 
    schooknums can't edit for shit, 
    schnookums cries every day, 
    Boudica stop being a cunt, 
    schnookums is afraid of sex, 
    belly rub, 
    rubs belly, 
    belly rubber, 
    belly rubbing, 
    belly rubbing intensifies, 
    belly rubed, 
    belly rubb, 
    rub belly, 
    *ejaculates on belly*, 
    *cums on belly*, 
    *shits on belly*, 
    *eats shit off belly*, 
    Schnookums eats shit where ever he finds it, 
    fuck schnookums seriously
    


    In the end, Schnookums was unable to repair the damage he had inflicted upon his own image, and had to resort to asking Zaiger to ban him from the forums and follow through with an accompanying screenshot as a cover so it wouldn't appear as though he were leaving with his tail between his legs like so many before him.

    Comparison With Onideus

    This image was rumored to have forced Schnookums into hiding for 6 months. Once Onideus was banned, Schnookums unsuccessfully tried to delete it.

    Some people see an uncanny resemblance between Weaselfucker and disgraced former SysOP Onideus. Some say that the bitchslaps he received from Onideus scarred him so badly that he began emulating him.
    Let's compare Schnooky and Onideus:

    Checkmark 2.gifAttempts to exercise inordinate control over articles? Check, and check.
    Checkmark 2.gifEnjoys inserting self into matters that have nothing to do with him? Check, and check.
    Checkmark 2.gifAbuses admin power to cover up evidence of own faggotry? Check, and check.
    Checkmark 2.gifBans other editors for disagreeing? Check, and check.
    Checkmark 2.gifReverts edits that don't show him in favorable light? Check, and check.

    Known Aliases

    Confirmed sockpuppet accounts:

    Supporting evidence:

    8:36, 5 December 2013 Hu1 (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Weasel (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎ (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages)

    Weasel Words

       
     
    Anything is ED worthy lol.
     

     
     

    —Making excuses for his renowned XOTN posts.

       
     
    You gotta realize I'm the most new user friendly admin on ED.
     

     
     

    —He lets them all in.

       
     
    The lesson is don't trust anybody. No exceptions. People dox and write articles about each other all the time on the wiki. If you provide any information that can be used against you then you're just asking for it. That is the ED way. Sure someone could figure out who I am IRL but don't expect me to volunteer anything.
     

     
     

    —Schnookums being cautious.

       
     
    I'm in my 30's. Also have a cat and two ferrets.
     

     
     

    —Oh.

       
     
    I don't rp at all lol, maybe a quick yiff once every couple weeks.
     

     
     

    —It's that time of the week!

       
     
    *rubs belly*
     

     
     

    —*murr*

    Every Day!

    Galleries

    Schnookums & Furiends About missing Pics
    [Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


    Angry Furry And Furiends About missing Pics
    [Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

    See Also

    50px
    This user is an ASL affiliate.

    Visibly display your contempt with this Userbox
    FoF Poster.png
    This user is an avid weasel hunter.

    Stylish alternative

    External Links

    Fur series.jpg

    Schnookums is part of a series on

    Furfaggotry

    Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage.

    Schnookums is part of a series on Dying Alone

    [DeadCry yourself to sleep]

    150px Those Who Have Died Alone

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    Template:Edforumseries

    Featured article March 28th & 29th, 2014
    Preceded by
    Operation Yewtree
    Schnookums Succeeded by
    JewWario
    File:Gtfomyinternet.jpg This colostomy bag was BANNED for their faggotry.
    You can help by learning from their mistakes.
    Vandalizing their user page with Pain Series attacks never hurts either.