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    Satanic Ritual Abuse

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    Hey! Big Thumbs Up.jpg This article isn't lulz just yet, but its coverage can spark a lollercoaster.
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    SRA in action

    Back in the 1970s and 1980s, one sure fire way to stir up the lulz (or evilulz) was to go up to your family in public and accuse them, in a crowded courtroom, of worshipping Satan and bad touching you during their demonic rituals of occult!

    Satanic Ritual Abuse was the 50 Hitler Post of the pre-internet trolling era, where falsely accusing people of not only being Satanist but of being abusive, pedophilic Satanists, was an easy way to ruin someone who you didn't like or who slighted you in some fashion. After all, in a permissive society where devil worshipping is considered a fad and as trendy as fake bisexuality or vegetarianism, being a Satanist is ok. But if you are a Satanist who abuses children, well society's tolerance to your devil worshipping goes out the window as people scream "moral panic".

    Z0mg Satanists

    Dr. Lawrence Pazder wrote the best selling book Michelle Remembers based on the repressed memory of his patient (and wife) Michelle Smith. Causing a lolocaust in the early 80's that "ZOMG SATANISTS ARE RAPING OUR CHILDREN!!!!" However soon after the book’s publication, Pazder was forced to withdraw his assertion that it was the Church of Satan that had abused Smith, when Anton LaVey (who founded the Church of Satan in 1966) threatened to sue for libel. Apparently Satanists don't take lightly to being libeled, especially since Pazder's book also included a section on how to successfully bullshit people into thinking you had been sexually abused by Satanists in order to get back at people you don't like.

    The "repressed memory" angle was the crux of the argument, as you can make up widely unbelievable claims of sexual and physical abuse that happened as an adult and decry critics who wonder why you only now are remembering it by claim to have "repressed" said memory. This was big for adults who wanted to get back at their mommy and daddy, by claiming past crimes of abuse and Satan worship to ruin their family's names. "Repressed Memory" soon became the little black dress of abused, adult Emos who claim all sorts of bullshit abuse that their parents did by claiming it happened and that they "repressed" the memory of it afterwords.

    Valerie Sinason

    Dr Valerie Sinason is a lady with considerable form as a Satan-worshipping-paedophile buster. She has been hearing, believing, and investigating such stories for a long while.

    After a three-year inquiry by the British Government's Department of Health, led by Prof. Jean La Fontaine, into 84 alleged cases of ritual abuse, evidence came there none. Dismissing Sinason’s findings, Prof La F said, “There is good research that shows the ‘memories’ of abuse are produced in and by the therapy.”

    In 2001 The Independent ran a shocking story, opening par thus: “British detectives are trying to close a website showing pictures of a man eating a dismembered baby, further evidence of the extent of child abuse and exploitation published on the internet.”

    “The existence of the websites was revealed by two patients at the Clinic for Dissociative Studies in Harley Street, central London. The clinic is run by Valerie Sinason, a psychotherapist who specialises in the treatment of adult survivors of child abuse.”

    But ... one week later:

    “It turns out, as several readers have brought to our attention with notable glee, that the pictures on the Californian website show, not human sacrifice, but a Chinese performance artist who has been shocking audiences in the Far East with his images of cannibalism. Distasteful as his pictures will seem to most people, they are not evidence of Satanic abuse.”

    Later that very month, Dr Sinason won global recognition. An international poll of 200 mental health specialists nominated the worst published research in the history of their psychiatry. Sinason came second for her 1994 book Treating the Survivors of Satanic Abuse, described as “Credulous, superstitious, iatrogenic [illness-inducing], self-righteous, incendiary garbage”.

    Even Jewish American Princesses Claim Victimhood Satanic Ritual Abuse

    Above is a clip of an episode of Oprah, which like all talk shows of the time, packed their shows full of adults, who were bitter at their parents and who claim to be victims of Satanic Ritual Abuse in order to get onto TV.

    Laurel the SRA and Holocaust survivor

    When accusing friends and family of rape, cutting, and threats of suicide didn't get her the sympathy she wanted, Laurel Rose Willson accused them of Satanic Ritual Abuse in the wildly hilarious book Satan's Underground. After that bullshit got discredited, she decided to begin claiming that she is really a holocaust survivor...but it turns out that even the Jews don't want to listen to her bullshit after she was exposed yet again.

    Kids Say the Darndest Lies

    When the repressed memory bullshit started to get exposed as bupkiss, evilulzers began a new approach, this time aimed at a new concept to come out of the '80s: daycare centers. Basically, a bunch of tight-fisted right wing religious types, furious that mothers were sending their children to daycare so that they could have lives, brainwashed their poor, helpless children to claim that daycare centers across the US were run by a secret Satanic conspiracy bent on raping and torturing children sent to daycare. These hell-bound "Christians" successfully framed countless daycare employees and daycare center owners of child abuse and child molestation, going so far as to kill themselves afterwords so that they could not be made to testified and exposed as the true monsters. This single-handedly killed the "daycare center" industry in America. It also led to one of the earliest ever "memes", as handing a child a doll and asking the child to tell the crowd around them where on the doll the big bad Satanists touched you, because adopted as a joke for dead baby comics everywhere...

    The McMartin Daycare

    When a paranoid schizophrenic woman accused the staff of the McMartin Daycare of butt raping her son, we got the longest, most expensive, and hilarious trials to ever take place in America - The McMartin Trial.

    Hundreds of photographs of the anuses and vaginae of the children were brought in as evidence, but no one could quite see what Dr. William E. Gordon, the expert medical interpreter, saw.

    One child, when asked to point to the person in a series of photos who had molested him, picked out the actor Chuck Norris, a city attorney, and four nuns in a faded photograph taken 40 years earlier.


    Having single handedly killed the daycare industry, the whole thing ultimately lost it's charm and evil lulziness as people grew wiser and realized how bullshit "repressed memory" was and how children were not innocent beings incapable of lying and could be brainwashed into saying just about anything by manipulative adults with an agenda.

    Guess who? (Times two)

    "He also chanted “Hail Satan” in Latin as other paedophile devil worshippers joined in and assaulted the girl at Stoke Mandeville Hospital in Buckinghamshire. The attack, which happened in 1975, shines a sinister new light on the former DJ’s 54-year reign of terror.

    "[...] The girl kept her torment hidden for nearly 20 years before finally opening up to therapist Valerie Sinason."


    Unimpeachable sauce

    Countless photographs show him appearing in public wearing a wizard's gown.

    Emblazoned on the front is an 11 pointed star – a symbol of Crowley occultist religion called Thelma.

    And he even nick-named the bed in his penthouse overlooking Leeds' Roundhay Park the "alter".


    Equally-reliable sister paper of the above

    The FBI files

    Who you gonna call? No, not them. You want Mulder and Scully on the case, and so in 1983 a 'source' approached the FBI, who were shocked and appalled to learn that Satanists were stealing kids in order to abuse them.

    Fbi opens church of satan investigation 1983 foia.png

    These lazy and incompetent gumshoes failed to find any evidence, and so the evildoers slipped between the fingers of justice to molest another day.

    Fbi closes 1983 church of satan investigation foia.png

    But our brave whistleblower would not be silenced, and after suffering a tormented conscience for four years they re-approached the FBI with fresh leads. The FBI didn't even have a category on its pro-forma documents that was sufficient of describing the enormity of these black magic misdeeds.

    The G-Men felt that their source on the street was sincere...

    1987 fbi church of satan investigation reliable source.png

    ... even though some of the source's claims were on the exotic side.

    A relentless process of deduction and elimination led Hoover's finest to some shocking conclusions

    1987 fbi discovers church of satan lives in a spooky house foia.png

    ... and chillingly, they discovered that the perpetrators had covered their tracks by making all the evidence disappear

    So, fearing for their lives, the Bureau hastily closed the case and wrote their source off as unreliable.

    And thus the truth was prevented from coming to light, a situation that prevails unto this very day.

    40px For IRL Devil-worshiping pedos, see: The men who will not be blamed for nothing

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