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A raver frequents raves, which are large drug-fueled parties where a hippie plays the same song for six hours. They are typically teenagers, twinks or sick fucks who prey on the young'ns. Ravers enjoy listening to house and techno music, taking copious amounts of drugs (most notably ecstasy), and dancing with glowsticks. It is a well-known fact that ravers never live past the age of 25, due to the fact that they all die from trying to put all the drugs in the world into their bodies at the same time. This is why the only people you'll ever see at raves are acne-ridden jobless teenagers and college dropouts.
We are indebted to the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) for much of the sooper-sekrit information in this handy guide:
There are several different varieties of raver fashion, and most of them were designed to make people look incredibly stupid, and to burn out the retinas of those who dare look upon them. The DEA identifies the primary types of 'ravegoer' and their tricks, noting that many are furries and others are animu-kin. They buy their paraphernalia from highly specialist outlets:
- The most familiar and most obnoxious type of raver fashion is that of "kandi," which involves wearing brightly colored over-sized pants, "kandi" jewelry, wings, and a vacant facial expression. The latter is caused by taking too many drugs, and can last for days.
- Nobody likes kandi ravers anymore, due to their immaturity and their insistence on adhering to the ideals of P.L.U.R., which isn't such a bad idea after all.
- Only hoodies and cargo pants are allowed. Bonus points are awarded for use of "urban camouflage." Junglists don't like anybody. African Americans easily relate to Jungle music because they came from Africa at least 100 years ago. Junglists like to think they're Jamaican, probably because they want to live in poverty apparently.
- Cyber Goth
- Usually the fat people with the dread falls and way too much makeup that you see at raves. They won't talk to you, because they are 'far too cool'. They wear lots of leather and tight clothes, since they get their fashion advice from The Matrix movies.
- Can be seen puffing away on joints in the middle of the crowd. You can identify them by their tye-dye Grateful Dead T-shirts, dreadlocks, festival pants and dilated pupils due to large intake of acid and molly. They're "only here to see Shpongle/Bassnectar/Pretty Lights, man." Usually friendly and willing to share their large stores of drugs and free-lovin' hippie-hoes.
- They're wearing polo shirts and khakis. They're not there for the music; they're frat boys looking for drugs. Or alcohol. Or cox. Or to knife you. Or because they think they're British even though they're from Milwaukee.
- Your normal, average Joe who probably got coerced by his friends into the scene. He can't dance, he can't glowstick for shit, but he likes (some) drugs and probably is more or less there for the music. Given a few months, he will turn into a scene sleaze and go to every party, thus not giving him enough money to pay his bills, and will have his house foreclosed by year's end. Be kind, feed these people drugs in moderation, and show them the ropes.
- The Heat
- Imagine a candy raver gone overboard and remove the drugs. That guy over there asking about where to find some acid? He's a cop. Sell him some bad acid and insist he eat it in front of you. The pig can easily be spotted due to their age, as police departments still haven't gotten the message about "sticking out like a sore thumb". Most ravers are late teens, early-mid twenties. Cops will almost always be in their 40s, balding, and in what they think are contemporary street clothes.
- If he is in fact a candy raver, keep avoiding him.
Whenever you go to a rave, don't expect to see any musical instruments at all. Turntables are not instruments either; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Thus electronic music takes less talent to make than fucking Black Metal. The only thing ravers listen to is electronic music, which everyone else calls techno. Never call it that though, as you'll have an hours-long argument on your hands, as the raver will try to educate you on the intricate "flavors" of electronic music. The general rule is that the worse the electronic music, the more likely you are to hear it at a rave. Even shithead and well-known wigger, Eminem, knows that raver "music" sucks.
The DEA investigated and found that, despite disinformation put about by beatniks from Shangri-La, there were only a few varieties of rave music.
Since electronic music does not necessarily equate "raver", the best way to troll a fan of any form of electronic music is to tell them it's raver music and ask them if they have any glowsticks or ecstasy on them--unless they actually are a raver, in which case they probably do. Be sure to ask them the differences between the various forms of electronic music, as there are over 9000 and they will be sure to waste their time listing them all.
Ravers don't really have culture. They're just hippies with technology. Except for junglists, who hate hippies. Breaks-heads are just trendy, and aren't bitter enough yet to be junglists.
P.L.U.R. is an acronym popular with ravers. The letters stand for: Peace, Love, Unity and Respect, which basically means whatever you do, you have no ill intent. Most ravers are far too drugged and strung out to do anything other than somehow provide a well-meant good vibe, so this is kind of useless; unless it's at a chav rave, in which case you'll probably be knifed by the end of the night. Also stands for Pilling Little Underage Raver.
The only thing all ravers have in common is a love for excessive consumption of mind-altering substances. Everyone at a rave is high, especially the paramedics. The most common drug is ecstasy, followed by acid, cannabis, 2C-I/2c-b's and ketamine et al. Alcohol is sold at raves to people over 18 (or really hot Jailbait), and spilled on the dance floor by drunk idiots so it's too slippery to dance.
Beware however of anyone trying to sell anything at rave as it's more likely to be crushed up paracetamol than a pill. Recently, the popular drug on the rave scene is GHB. This makes getting laid, the end goal for most ravers, much easier.
- Furthermore, would-be rave-fanatics should be aware that mind-altering substances can be concealed in the most unexpected places:
- What is even more insidious is the fact that the hypnotic light displays at these 'raves' can be used to design more drugs without anyone noticing:
Ravers and the Internet
Since raves are an underground phenomenon, the one way all ravers keep track of where they'll be buying and taking drugs is on internet forums. Typically, half the members of a local raver forum have slept with one another, which usually leads to massive amounts of drama. At least one poster will talk about how much better the scene used to be, and anyone new is mocked, as they are inevitably dirty candy ravers. Junglists talk shit about everyone on the forum no matter what.
Motivated ravers will often begin creating their own music to show off to their cliques on the internet. 90% of this music is made with cracked warez and gigabytes of ready-made loop packages. A rare few will use real synthesizers and talent, but often not enough real skill. The rarest and most elite internet musicians are the ones who make music with old vacuum cleaners (or printers from the 80s), a shelf full of your mom's dildos, and a desecrated furby.
Death of the Rave Scene
It is well known that ravers enjoy smoking AJAX cleaning solvent powder. In these hard financial times, ravers have been known to use substitutes such as COMET. The common raver can be found mixing the caustic powder with KARO syrup to make rock like substances and will attempt to smoke them. This generally results in the raver to exhibit fists-of-rage and lockjaw. But this is okay when you are listening to some Happy Hardcore.
It has been established that the death of the raver scene is due to meth. The meth craze left the gay bathhouses of the 90s and entered the rave scene. Not to facilitate gay sex, but because ravers will smoke anything. It just happened that meth kept them awake for days and resulted in them puking blood and selling their bodies for moar tweak. Also, Toronto is blamed for the spread of the death of the rave scene due to retards.
At some point during the 1990s, black people realized they could get rich by swindling white suburbanites out of money. By renting two turntables (microphones not required), a sound system, a warehouse and commitments from a dj they realized they could make big money. Money was spent on fliers and promises of "big name dj's" and white children arrived in droves with their adidas on. For lulz, some would call up the police to force a shutdown of a party. This typically resulted in people going to another party, which meant multiple promoters could rip off the same kids in a single night. Oh suburbia!
Accessories and Tricks
The piece de resistance to any rave is a set (or several hundred sets) of glowsticks. These fluorescent plastic-wrapped glass vials of light-emitting chemical compounds produce "trails" to those who may or may not have consumed other chemicals during the night. When spun in rhythm with the so-called "music", they can give other strung out ravers the thought that you have some sort of dancing ability, thus giving you an opportunity to give them what they're asking for later in the morning, probably in the parking lot. LED glowsticks are not good for twirling as they are delicate, though traditional sticks can and have broken upon accidental release into a wall.
The chemical inside is hardly visible in daylight and is easily removed with a washing machine or good old washing up liquid. Colors, sizes and styles vary, thin ones are best left to bracelets/necklaces while thick "lanyard" style ones are good for twirling like a faggot. LED sticks are good for slow lightshows, bringing an airplane into the gate or directing traffic.
Overpriced plastic crap worn by Kandi ravers or their hoes; mostly costume jewelry or Mardi Gras beads, or homemade beaded bracelets. And lots of them. A WHOLE LOT. Like if your arms aren't covered in beads and wrapped in glow-tape and Christmas lights or whatever, you're apparently doing it wrong for the Kandi scene. Of course, this isn't always a bad thing, considering Kandi ravers are part of the reason the rave scene is dying.
Add fire into the mix of drug fueled twenty-somethings and you've got poi. Poi is, in essence, spinning fire bags around your entire body without scorching yourself. It's good fun to watch and at festivals can be quite a trip. The best poin experience is watching a decent poi user while stoned off your ass at a bonfire.
The art of dancing like an idiot. Instructional how-to video for various skill levels.
The great rave conspiracy
The DEA has it sussed. It's all a scam to sell loads of bottled water at massive mark-ups to hundreds of gurning mongs who are too bollocksed to go to the bathroom and drink tapwater.
Notable ED Ravers
- Lexi Bee
- Techno Viking
- Party hard
-  Example of electronic music
- PHAT RAVE
- Dontstayin.com Find out where the closest faggotry is happening near you!
- Lolli.org, an unfortunately named website of local true underground faggotry.
-  Where the retards of the raver scene unite.
-  Typical hipster loving nu-rave faggotry
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