Raoul Moat

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Raoul "Rambo" Moat was an hero who, after administering three doses of miracle shotgun mouthwash to his ho and her copper boyfriend and another PC (now also an hero), lost a seven-day game of Manhunt with a 6-star wanted level. He was posthumously awarded the title of "Hide and Seek Champion of Great Britain", taking the honour from one M. McCann.

Let "Battle Raoul" Commence!

The Raoulshank Redemption

After a brief spell in jail for assault, Raoul Moat discovered that his chav girlfriend had been enjoying teh delicious cawk of a karate instructor during his little vacation. Fuelled by steroids, he signalled his intent to the world on his facebook page, stating how he had lost everything and was now gonna fuck shit up. For everyone :(

As Moat's woman was scared for her life (and as a woman, prone to bullshit anyway) she decided to tell Raoul that the karate instructor was in fact a police officer. Moat took offence at the idea of a pig nobbing his woman and prompted him to write a heartfelt letter to The Sun newspaper informing the world of his declaration of war on the British Police force/Army/God.

So Raoul did what any right-minded individual would do in those circumstances: He shot up a load of steroids, stole a Black Lexus and hit the road fully armed, committed to living out a GTA style fantasy most of us can only dream of.

Raoul You Need Is Love

Upon finding his GF with Daniel-San (real name Chris Brown), he proceeded to shoot Chris in the face before discharging another load into her bellybutton. Rhianna was unavailable for comment on the execution of her former partner Chris, although "close friends" have stated that she seems "buoyant".

Upon fleeing, he realised that he had enough XP to automatically qualify for a weapons upgrade/free ammo at next Level Up, so decided to empty the remains of the clip into a passing police officer (plus he was near a "save point").

Raoul's biggest mistake at this point was to allow his wanted level increase from 2 stars to 3 stars. Helicopters are hard to evade without rocket propelled grenades, and Moat had not yet reached Algonquin and unlocked the RPG.

The best thing for Raoul strategically now would have been to drive the Black Lexus into the nearest Pay 'n' Spray, or to change his clothes. What Moat actually did next was accidentally munt the kerb during his escape. The crappy physics ensured that the Black Lexus landed on its roof before bursting into flames (in the engine).

Moat fled the scene and set up a tent in the woods with his cache of guns, steroids and pr0n, and awaited his next move.

A Raoulling Stone Gathers No Moss

During his time in the tent Raoul took the time out to write several letters to the police and press. He never got to mail them; presumably he didn't have a stamp, or franking machine, handy and the letters were found at the abandoned campsite once Moat had vacated.

Currently Moat is living/was living in various tents and abandoned farmhouses across the north of England (which makes finding Moat tricky as 100% of people in the poverty stricken North of England live in tents or barns).

Moat has/had been funding himself through street-robberies, and two men had reported that they were held up at gunpoint for £70.

Police are not concerned with the possibility of more robberies because that £70 represented 100% of the GDP of Northern England and, consequently, as well as being the most wanted man in England, he is/was also the wealthiest man in the North by far.

Media Blackout

During the hunt, Northumbria issued a press blackout. Apparently, Moaty was no longer interested in killing pigs only, he was now (allegedly) targeting the wider public-not difficult as 100% of Northerners are very wide indeed, despite the fact that they can only afford turrnips).


For every piece of inaccurate information published I will select a member of the public and kill them." He said he would ring the police and give them prior warning.


— Dicatphone message left by Raoul Moat

Moat's Quotes

Just got out the slammer to a totally fucked life.


—Raoul Moat explaining via his facebook status that he is very :( at the moment.

Lost my business. Kids to s services. Gonna lose my home and lost my mrs of nearly 6 years to a copper. Like they havent fucked my life enough over the years


—Raoul Moat crying to facebook

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so if a lass can really love you and treat you right, then they can also swing the complete oppposite way eventually.


—Raoul Moat attempting to apply Newtonian mechanics to his woman-something he would repeat later with his ballistics experiment to her stomach.

The public need not fear me, but the police should as I won't stop till I am dead.


—Raoul, in one of his touching letters.

Predicted/Actual Outcome

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Scenario 1:

Raoul gets to the third portion of the map and unlocks the Desert Eagle and the hidden "sex-game". Moat kills 23 more police officers and achieves 6 stars on his wanted level. Moat is cornered in a house but what's this on the roof? A helipad! Raoul takes the helicopter and flies back to his tent, where there is a save point. Raoul saves his game, and his wanted level disappears. Everything goes back to normal.

Scenario 2:

Raoul teams up with Desmond who removes the plug from the heart of the Island. Raoul defeats the Black Smoke but is stabbed in the process. He wakes up 6 months previously and discovered that everything that happened, happened (or not) and that the previous 6 months had been a dream. Or he was dead. Or they were all dead. Or were they? Did I just waste 6 years of my life watching that? Am I dead?

Scenario 3:

Raoul's mystery letters are released and they seem to implicate the involvement of a one armed man. Raoul is chased to the top of a sewage outlet some 100m above a river. He throws himself off, and escapes with evidence of the one armed man.

The evidence is sent to The Sun, who show the police. Dr Kimble/Raoul is absolved of any responsibility of the crimes and is declared a free man.

Raoul enjoys his newfound status and capitalises by appearing as guest presenter on "Have I Got New For You" and as a contestant on "Ready Steady Cook".

Scenario 4:

Raoul hands himself over to police without further bloodshed.

Scenario 5:

Moat defeats the hordes of police, and kills the final boss, therefore winning The Game.

Scenario 6:

Moat gets overwhelmed and becomes An Hero.

Scenario 7:

Moat kills/maims several moar police officers and is/was taken down by police marksmen/snipers/SAS/airstrike and the police can sleep safely at night (until the sequel/downloadable content, at least).

NOTE: Scenario 7 is most likely.

UPDATE: Scenario 6 is what happened. Moat was "overwhelmed" at the though of spending 5 minutes with Gazza, and opted for an eternity of hell instead. Fair point.

Timeline of Destruction

July 1: Raoul Moat is released from Durham prison after serving an 18-week sentence for assault.

July 2: The jail warns Northumbria police that his ex-partner Samantha Stobbart could be at risk. Police "poke" Samantha on her Facebook page and tell her to check Raoul's FB updates. British Police now agree that "poking" someone on facebook is probably not the best method of warning someone of their impending demise.

At this point, the Police are mildly concerned and increase Raoul's Wanted Level to 1 star.

July 3: Miss Stobbart is shot twice in the stomach at her parents' home in Birtley. Boyfriend Chris Brown is shot dead. A manhunt is launched. Despite her newly aquired gunshot tauma, Miss Stobart refuses to "de-friend" Raoul (she does refuse his request for help on FarmVille, however).

For these shootings, Moat is promoted to 2 stars.

July 4: Moat shoots Pc David Rathband, 42, is in his patrol car in Denton, seriously injuring him. Shooting cops (and kicking their vehicles) is serious business and earns Raoul another gold star bringing his total to 3 stars on his wanted level. The helicopters and roadblocks are deployed. Moat flips the Lexus in the chase and abandons the car somewhere.

July 5: Miss Stobbart improves and urges Moat to give up. Police reveal Moat has written a 49-page letter of grievances. It emerges the force was warned about him. Two men are held up for £70 in Blyth by a gunman fitting Moat's description. Presumably he needed the cash to buy more paper to write another long-ass 49 page LETTER! It is clear that although Raoul has facebook skills, he finds that Twitter doesn't allow him the character limit to express himself properly.

July 6: Police raid the home of another former bouncer in Gateshead. Why not, they all look the fucking same.

Two men are quizzed by detectives. The village of Rothbury, Northumberland, is cordoned off after Moat's car is found. Two "hostages" are arrested for conspiracy to commit murder. Armed police storm Pike House, a farm near Rothbury.

July 7: Raoul takes a nap in a tent, and polishes his weapon. Police on edge still, declare that "the net is closing in" on Moat (who is not remoteley Raoulmoatly scared of nets).

July 8: Police raise Moat's wanted Level from 3 to 5 stars (out of fear for their own hides) and order a fleet of Armoured Vehicles from Northern Ireland in preparation for 6 stars. The super elite British SAS are deployed along with snipers and army troops (seriously!!!1).

July 9: Police call in the help of the Royal Air Force, who deploy a supersonic RAF Tornado Jet Aircraft to flush Moat out. At this point, people are starting to wonder if the police are over-reacting (after all, 3 people were shot in Birmingham the previous week, and nobody batted an eyelid-why? BECAUSE THE PIGS ONLY CARE WHEN ONE OF THEIR OWN GETS SHOT, THAT'S WHY!!! Disregard that, it's actually because Birmingham is a shithole full of the lowest specimens of life in Britain.)

Raoul Moat is now the proud owner of a 6-star wanted level.

Update 19.00: Moat is cornered in a field in the rain being watched by snipers. Although negotiations ARE taking place with the hope of a peaceful conclusion, secretly the police are itching to waste Moat and will jump at any opportunity to get to use their guns, which only get brought out on special occasions because we wouldn't want the vast majority of police officers to be trained and equiped with firearms and as such be able to deal with gun and knife weilding criminals and large mobs like they are in virtually ever other country on the fucking planet now would we. Lulzy news reports tell us that Moat is lying on the ground with a shotgun to his head, suggesting that, inevitably, An Hero is just around the corner.

July 10: With the standoff continuing into the early hours of the morning, local opinion is starting to turn against our courageous hero. The honeymoon period and excitement has now passed and many residents are wondering why the police don't just pwn Moat so everyone can go home to bed. According to interviews with the local inbreds, police forces on the ground are as close as 20 feet to Moat, described by one local man as "an easy headshot for any marksman worth a damn."

Final Showdown

Several of Moat's friends were recruited to try and cheer him up with beer, including fat alcoholic World-Cup crybaby, Paul Gasgoine. Upon realising what sort of shit company he'd been keeping, Moat turned the sawn-off on himself, and died in the waambulance. *PICS NEEDED* UPDATE!!!!11 OMG The Police used a super seekret experimental and illegal tazer (more on that later).

This proved conclusively that after the deployment of the SAS, a fleet of armoured cars and a multi-million pound Tornado GR4 fighter jet, the only man hard enough to kill Raoul Moat was Raoul Moat himself.

At present the Police have changed their story several times already, so the truth is unkown. The only thing known is that Raoul got pwnt in the head by a shotgun.

Drunk World Cup Legend Arrives On Scene

Former England World Cup Hero. and possibly the first man ever to cry like a little bitch on television Paul "Gazza" Gasgoine turned up at the police cordon to demonstrate his fine negotiating skills. No joke! - - http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/jul/09/paul-gascoigne-raoul-moat

The following video contains a radio interview with the massively drunken Gazza as he prepares to help Moat, who he claims is a friend of his. Gazza is REALLY drunk in this interview, and it is quite likely that Gazza had no prior knowledge of Moat, and was literally visiting purely for teh lulz, or some form of drink-induced boredom.

This becomes moar apparent as Gazza reveals the key elements of his plan, which comprise of beer, chicken and a fishing rod.



—What Gazza would have said to Raoul Moat. Guaranteed to make Moat do the right thing

Gazza's Agent was as confused as the rest of us as to why this shambolic drunk turned up with chicken and a fishing rod:

He's doing what? I am sitting having an evening meal in Majorca. I'm speechless


—Gazza's agent, Kenny Shepherd.

Just for the record, Raoul Moat shot himself shortly after hearing that Gazza was visiting (as a keen fisherman, Moat knew instinctivly that the chicken was useless as fishing bait-it is possible that Moat was so depressed by Gazza's knowledge of freshwater fishing that he decided to turn the gun on himself).

It was not the same, not the same, for him.

Public Opinion

The English public were largely divided on opinion. The Southern parts of England couldn't care less about the North, and those in the North are inherently criminal anyway so had no sympathy for the (soon to be) decimated Police force.

Generally speaking though, Raoul had become a type of "Robin Hood" figure, with many facebook "tribute" acts appearing almost instantaneously.

The British public were largely in support of Raoul Moat's vendetta against the police, because they still had the memory of Jean Charles de Menezes fresh in their tea-addled brains (the innocent and unarmed Jean Charles had been executed by the London Police in broad daylight, in full public view, and nobody has yet been brought to account). Actually, nobody gives a shit about that anymore. It's because Moat wanted to go for the high score.


Since Moat self-pwned there have been even moar facebook tribute pages devoted to this ginger lunatic, all bearing the same message: "Fuck you, pigs".

Thanks for the Lulz, Gazza+Raoul

Public Opinion UPDATE-UK Prime Minister VS Facebook

On 14th July 2010, unelected Tory cunt Prime Minister David Cameron managed to finish "bully-ramming" his bitch clone Nick Clegg's sexy communist anus long enough to address Prime Minister's Questions at Parliament.

Poor Dave was very upset indeed at the outpour of freedom of speech and swiftly despached his winged monkeys to descend on facebook, with the threat of having the monkeys pull facebooks face off if didn't remove the tribute pages.

I cannot understand any wave, however small, of public sympathy for this man...There should be sympathy for his victims and the havoc he wreaked in that community...There should be no sympathy for him.


—David Cameron sticking it to the chavs

The facebook page in question was called "R.I.P. Raoul Moat You Legend!" and at the time of Cameron's complaint, had over 30,000 supporters (most of them expressing their contempt for the police).

'He's a fuckin LEGEND for attempting to kill the police - should have taken a lot more down with him! R.I.P Big Man.


Terrianne 'Courtney' Robinson running her mouth like the stupid whore chavette she is, of course being completely ignorant of the fact that those same police are there to protect people like her.

I wish Raoul Moat was my dad.


—Owen Moat, being reasonable

Naturally the paranoid, panic-inducing, shitrag "The Daily Fail" had to add their 2 cents. The full article can be found here

Comments on the Facebook site expose the appalling opinions of Britain's underclass. Many of them say Moat was justified in killing his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend - while others say he should have killed more policemen.


—The Daily Mail speaking on behalf of Britain's Underclass

Facebook Says "Fuck Off" Despite All the Drama

Indeed they did.

...the page would not be removed on the grounds the site encourages public debate about issues in the media.


—Facebook spokesperson says online drama is the perfect way of debating.

Obviously, measured, professional discourse is of course nothing compared to online drama, and the tribute page should stay up, even if all this drama makes Facebook worse than it already is.

This drama consisted, mainly, of the following:

1. People joining the group and showing support for Moat in an attempt to be "offensive" and "edgy", and the angry responses they garnered from other users.

2. Successful Trolls taking the piss out of Moat with comments that can be summed up with "Boom, headshot!", and genuine supporters becoming incredibly angry and butthurt, which shows that the fat northern scum can give it but they can't take it.

3. The supporters mentioned in point 2 becoming incredibly butthurt again by those who supported the police (some of these users were probably successful trolls too).

'How DARE the police shoot him? He was only trying to KILL them!'


—A summary of every quote made by his supporters on the Facebook tribute page.

As we can see, they were shocked to suggest that ANYONE would want REVENGE on DEAR SWEET MOATY for what he did to that BIG NASTY COPPER, even though that's what they'd do when confronted with the same situation as the police. The moar you know, eh?

Facebook also added:

Facebook is a place where people can express their views and discuss things in an open way as they can and do in many other places, and as such we sometimes find people discussing topics others may find distasteful, however that is not a reason in itself to stop a debate from happening.


—Facebook tells Cam to GTFO.

Clearly, this shows that Facebook grasps the concept of intellectual discussion, because glorifying the shooting of a cop and endorsing violence is just the same as discussing if Moat had any justifiable motives for his vendetta and trying to look into his psyche, and should be considered an equally valid opinion.

Facebook Group Gets Deleted

Eventually the group got removed.

Some people think that Facebook realised that users were signing up to the group purely to offend the relatives of the murder victim(s) and that, with speech, motive needs to be taken into account, as well as the fact that there is a time and a place for this sort of behaviour, because the issue of free speech is not as simple as "Let all views be spoken all the time".

Of course we all know that this was false hope -- in fact it was because the slut who formed the group decided to contact a radio station and tell them and get an eight-minute grilling, causing her to take it down herself. Facebook didn't do anything, so this proves that their staff are still one track-minded gullible libtards who still don't realise that issues such as free speech are more complex than their feeble minds can cope, because they would've left the group on there.

... Unless it's something THEY don't like, such as the E.D. group, of course. They'll ban it then! And you know they will -- the association with this site makes them "look bad".

It is evident, then, that they don't care about freedom of speech -- so what else could it be? Most likely money.

After all, Facebook generates revenue from the adverts companies pay to have put on the side of pages, and another Facebook page means more ads; and if it's controversial, all the better, because that means Over 9000 people come to give their opinions and as a result the adverts are seen A LOT more than they would be on a less controversial page. This means MOAR money for the site, and is the real reason why they would've left the page up.

So it looks as if they're only pretending to be take this daft libtard position that free speech is as simple as "let them say it" to justify making money.

If you don't believe us, realise that the site is run and owned by a greedy fucking Jew.

The hypocrisy at work here is also another trait of the vermin.

Illegal TASER wtf?

Angus Moat (Raoul's retarded brother) explains that some how it was all the police's fault that Raoul went postal, and apparently they used a taser which caused his muscles to contract, which accidentally caused his finger to pull the trigger of the shotgun (which he had pointed at his own neck).

I'm probably the only person who's seen their brother die, live on national television


—Angus Moat, idiot brother sticking up for his shit eating sibling

As it turned out, the tazer fired was a super-seekret experimental weapon (pictured right) which had not been licenced for use by the Home Office. The tazer is fired from a 12 gauge shotgun like a bullet, unlike the old type which needed wires (and wasn't fired from a shotgun).

This is a lucky coincidence for the police. Moat had "shot himself" with a 12 gauge shotgun. The miraculous existence of this unlicenced experimental weapon proves 100% that there was no way the Police murdered Moat with their shotguns, and then blamed the Taser which accidentally made Moats own shotgun go off in his face.

HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!!!!! The above paragraph was written by a stupid chav conspiracyfag who has no fucking clue about guns or ballistices. Anyway its great Moat was killed as we can't dangle pieces of shit like him from a noose anymore because the UK is run by people who deem the rights of criminals to be more important than the rights of their victims or innocent members of the general public.


See Also

External Links

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