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A pirate is a sea god messenger of the Most Holy One.
These most holy creatures of the sea rise up to pwn the wicked and steal all their cool shit. Whatever they can't steal and sell for more booze will be raped, burned, or raped then burned. If you're male you either join the crew or are raped and burned with the rest of the unsellable town. If you're a black male, you either join the crew or get sold as a slave.
What's that you say? They sing jaunty nautical tunes about the mystical nature of the sea? Fuck that! There are boats to steal, bitches to rape, and cities to burn! YARR!
Your average ninja could not fight, was easily drunk under the table by geishas, and had never seen water outside of their farm wells. That's right, real ninjas were farm hands that nobility hired as assassins. They were trained only to sneak in, stab, and run. They were regularly killed by common servants wielding household objects.
Pirates could sail, fight, tie so many knots a BDSM fetishist would cream themselves, sneak into enemy harbors and burn down entire towns... While drunk and missing an arm. Your average ninja died of cholera from drinking water their pet yak pissed in, provided they weren't killed by a stableboy armed with a horseshoe first. Pirates always win.
Real pirates didn't waste their time pussying around in dark corners like some pantywaist farmhand who thinks he's badass. Even the real ass pirates would kick your ass, then rape your corpse. Here are a few of the most awesome pirates ever.
The Vikings: The proto-pirate that millions aspire to be half as manly as to this day. These badasses terrorized the seas of Europe in Medieval times. They believed that heaven was a place where you could slaughter warriors all day, and when you yourself were killed in battle, you went to a great hall to eat mutton and prepare yourself for even more battle. They burned most of northern Europe to the ground, stealing whatever they could carry away and raping whatever they couldn't.
Calico Jack: A contemporary of Captain Charles Vane, Jack Rackham was a shitty pirate, but his graphic design skills were second-to-none. Not only did he design the most iconic Jolly Roger ever made, but he drew dicks instead of sword handles and not even the internet has caught on yet. The rest of his legacy consists of distressingly bloodless raids on unarmed fishing vessels, and being on the same boat as Anne Bonney: his potato nigger bitch who refused to stay in the kitchen and killed loads of people, instead. Jack and his crew, with the exception of Bonney, were hammered drunk when the constabulary arrived and so everyone got captured by the Navy. Jack's squeeze was going to be hanged with the rest, but got away with it because she was preggers. To Jack, she reportedly had this to say: "If you had fought like a man, you would not now be about to die like a dog". There is one awesome pirate here, it's just not who it said on the tin.
Captain Charles Vane: A particularly cruel pirate, Charles Vane was the captain of a pirate ship known as Ranger, known for torturing prisoners, cheating his own crew out of plunder and killing sailors after promising to show them mercy. However, Vane was, in his own, twisted, piratical way, a man of principal and when Britain announced a general pardon to pirates who agreed to give up piracy, Vane not only refused, he attacked anyone who accepted.
Benjamin Hornigold: The man who taught Blackbeard everything he knew, before selling out and becoming the governor of the Bahamas tiny little sugar bitch, turning a profit by hunting down other pirates, including Calico Jack. Was eventually pwned by a hurricane, crashing his ship into a coral reef, which he kind of deserved for being such a whore.
Blackbeard: Cutthroat pirate famous for decapitating his victims. An utterly terrifying opponent in battle, his long black beard was laced with gunpowder and smoldered as he fought, enshrouding him in a choking smoke to weaken his enemies and make them think he was the Devil. He carried six pistols about his person at all times just in case he needed to shoot a nigger, stole dozens of ships, burning even more, blockaded entire cities, pwned the aristocrats, and made himself world-famous until one day someone took his head off and used his skull as a drinking cup.
The Brothers of Barbados: A crew of faggots that terrorized all the niggers in the New World. When they weren't ass-raping the countryside for fun and profit, they raped, pillaged and plundered Blackbeard. These vicious ass-pirates are the reason Blackbeard had a "Death to Barbados" flag.
Howell Davies: As a country, Wales has little to brag about. However, historically, Wales has given the world more pirates per square mile than any other country, which, admittedly, is fairly badass. Maybe someday, Somalia will catch up with them, but who knows? Anyway, Howell Davies was one of these, a vicious Welsh bastard who was loved by the bitches and feared by just about everyone else. It took five bullets and a cut throat to put this mean motherfucker down and then his crew, lead by another famous pirate, Black Bart, avenged his death by burning a nearby town to the ground and firing their cannons at fucking everything.
Captain Henry Morgan: This pirate amassed so much wealth through his adventures, he was able to buy his way into high society, eventually becoming governor of Jamaica and inventing his own brand of rum.
Klaus Störtebeker: A sort of seafaring Robin Hood, this legendary German pirate's surname roughly translated to 'He Who Drains A Tankard In One Gulp'. Sold out by one of his own, Störtebeker is said to have asked the mayor of Hamburg to release as many of his companions as he could walk past after being beheaded. The mayor accepted. After his head was cut off, Störtebeker's body is said to have risen to its feet and walked past eleven of his crewmates before the executioner, not looking to lose out on payment for carrying out his civic duties, tripped him with an outstretched foot.
Edward Lowe: He survived only two years before being pwned by an even more badass pirate, but in those two years the hundreds of people he brutally tortured to death created a legacy of fear still remembered even today.
Captain James Mission: This pirate set up his own little hippie communist nation off the coast of Madagascar, Libertalia, where pirates could come and go as they pleased and everything was shared equally amongst the community. With his fleet of ships, Mission would attack slave ships and free slaves, giving them a new life in Libertalia as free men. His flag was white with a black skull and crossbones on it, as opposed to the more common black flag, as he had only just learned how to invert colors in Microsoft Paint and wanted to show off his skills.
Modern pirates come in three flavors: Real Pirates, Internet Pirates, and Ass Pirates.
There are also these pirates, but they aren't quite the same thing...
Real pirates hail from exotic ports such as China, Somalia and India. They join the navy to learn how to drive a boat, steal a fishing boat, then kick the asses of fucking cruise liners that are over 9000 times their size. Modern pirates are a little kinder than their predecessors, however, as some of the poorest areas will redistribute the wealth to poor family members and impoverished children in order to bring glory to their homeland.
Modern Ass Pirates
Modern ass pirates are a mockery of real ass pirates like the Brothers of Barbados. Made popular by the Pirates of the Carribean movies, these foul abominations seek to destroy all that is manly and awesome about pirates with their faggotry.
Modern ass pirates do not plunder, rape, or pillage. Instead they sip fruity little drinks, wear shiny leather pants, and train their parrots to go "Peter wanna blow job!". If confronted, they can never put up a real fight as they are not real pirates, instead they are weaklings on par with the ninja for total pussiness. These sniveling pantywaists corrupt the pirate name and should be punished for their impudence with death!
There is a simple test to tell a regular pirate from an ass pirate:
- Ask them what they are doing.
- If they say "plundering your booty" then kill you, they are a regular pirate.
- If they say "plundering your booty" then giggle and say "God, I'm such a bitch!", they are a butt pirate. Kill them immediately!
Internet Pirates are gods among men who give the finger to the man by downloading and giving away free songs, movies and pr0n. Need a song to express your raeg? Internet pirate! Want to see a movie but are stuck babysitting your kid sister? Internet pirate! Need to fap but want the good porn instead of the shitty free porn? Internet pirate! Fuck yeah!
In other words, we are all pirates! Fucking Arr!
How to internet pirate:
- crack some warez, and make the man cry
- Share the booty with others via rapidshit, torrent, 4chan and other outlets.
- Fucking ARR!
- Ninjas vs. Pirates - The Great Debate
- Aleksandr Pistoletov
- Jack Sparrow
- Lazy Town
- Monkey Island
- The Pirate Bay
- Pirate Dog
- Science Pirate
- Software Piracy
|Pirate is part of a series on Language & Communication|
|Featured article May 13 & 14, 2013|