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    PilgrimJohn

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    File:Prayer.png
    Typical activity PilgrimJohn takes part in

    Pilgrim John is another example of what happens when you sit a Bible too close to the latest fun filled game of Sonic the Hedgehog. Much like his bum buddy DBoyWheeler, Pilgrim John has an unhealthy obsession with the furry game as well as an equally if not more unhealthy understanding of the Bible and Christianity.

    The Arrival of the Mayflower

    Pilgrim John first made his arrival on DA at least 100 years ago and has been clogging up the tubes with more cliche Sonic art ever since. Unlike DBoyWheeler, Spaction3, and Sonicrocksmysocks, Pilgrim John has a bit of talent when it comes to drawing, but that's mostly because he chooses to do fanart, which takes fewer brain cells to accomplish than actually being original.

    Like 90% of the Sonic fanbase, Pilgrim John is absolutely cock hungry for Shadow. (The shitty emo character from the newer Sonic games) He's perhaps a step up from Spaction3 in that there is no implied fetish involving the loli 6 year-old girl character Cream, though further investigation is imminent. PilgrimJohn has been known to throw hissy fits if anyone states that they do not like Shadow. Most arguments started by John about such subjects lead to him having his ass handed to him in the end after he can't think of another comeback besides 'But Shadow is awesome because he has Chaos Control!' Lulz.

    File:UglyMan-713657.jpg
    Typical reaction of John whenever someone disagrees with his thoughts of Shadow.

    Religious Bigotry at its Finest

    Discovery!

    File:Lulz.PNG
    PilgrimJohn bitching about his ED article when his journal is LONGER THAN THE ARTICLE ITSELF

    PilgrimJohn has just discovered that he is featured here on ED! Lo and behold, he was obviously srsly mad. Much lulz was ensued as he, once again, turned to the mighty powers of the Bible. Take note that the Bible was made when the world was of a different culture and not as to today's standards. Also, it was probably made by a couple of guys who wanted to see if people would use it as evidence in their arguments. Why? They did it for the lulz, of course!

    Well, much to PhailureJohn's dismay, he still got his ass handed to him...lulz!

    The Bible is life! You can't deny it!!1

    File:Stfupope.jpg
    Like with DBoyWheeler, the Pope hates it when people resort to the bible to support their argument
    File:MorePilgrimJohnIdiocy.PNG
    Beware of liberals socialists!

    Like most bible thumpers, PhailureJohn (just refer to him as that; who the fuck uses the title 'pilgrim' these days wtf?) believes that the bible is the ultimate meaning of life. Whether it means wiping your ass with toilet paper or trolling someone for the lulz, he will say the reason to such actions are either wrong or right according to the bible.

    To be more exact, he believes the American government was based on the bible. LOL, Jefferson was a Deist, idiot. For someone who's 19, he sure fails at civics. Not to mention some shit about Nazis being gay or whatever the fuck. Also, it is his opinion that the entire United Nations is made of pedophiles. He also thinks that liberal is a synonym for socialist.

    Point being, he will probably shit himself if you burn his copy of the bible. If you happen to see him person, please do so. Afterwords, he would more than likely quit the Internet and become an hero over the sad loss of a book based on fictional stories.

    Aspiring Political Commentator?

    Because the world NEEDS another extreme right wing pill junkie like Rush Limbaugh... News flash to PilgrimJohn: You're about 15 years too late to get into that niche as people like Jerry Falwell, Rush, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton have already claimed all the attention from both the left and right sides of the political aisles.

    Also with issues arising from fundamentalists of different religious fanaticism all over the world, no one wants to be bitched at by some basement dweller telling them what's right and wrong. Find another goal, kiddo, because no one wants to give money to another smelly bum screaming about Armageddon.

    The PsycLOLogy of Pilgrim John

    In the case of Pilgrim John, one must be wary of simply writing him off as a fucktard out of hand. People, and we use the term loosely here, such as he are fucking dangerous. One will note that PJ lives in a realm of fantasy. When cornered on his unhealthy obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog, he rattles of a list of other "pastimes" that his addled brain thinks will save him from being pigeonholed as a kook with no grounding in reality, yet his actions in this vein have exactly the opposite effect. He lists games, other fantasy based cartoons and so forth, proving (with absolutely no help from his detractors) that he does indeed have no life outside of the realm of fantasy. Add to this potentially lethal mix, the bible, and you have a person ready to become unhinged at the least provocation.

    PJ has contracted a particularly virulent strain of internet disease wherein pesky details such as "facts" are malleable to the point of non-existence and all opinions voiced are subject to a specialized filtration system, in that everything he sees that he doesn't agree with is automatically filtered out of his reality, or what passes for it. PJ is a subscriber to the notion that one should be able to pull "facts" out of their ass, put both feet firmly in their mouths and post freely. Yet, when called on their shit, they either act like the comments don't exist, or they pull a copypasta of exactly the same shit, as if that will solidify their point, all the while being unable to back up their stated "facts" with links, hard data, reference or back up from any reputable source whatsoever.

    What PJ doesn't realize, or refuses to realize, is that this makes him suck even harder than a Thai hooker by the edge of a black hole near the edge of the event horizon, the Navy ships are in, and it's "buck a suck" night.

    It should be noted that PJ is the type of delicate flower "artist" (cough) who, if pushed hard enough, would resort to grabbing a Lee-Enfield rifle and climbing a clock tower to take potshots (albeit ineptly, as with all things in his life) at anyone whom he has been informed has pissed all over his worthless "art" and his precious bible.

    Butthurt, much?

    File:PilgrimJohnTLDRJournal.jpg
    A journal that evidently shows PhailureJohn is still butthurt from this article

    Many months have passed and all may seem well. Don't think that'll last long, seeing as PilgrimJohn is evidently still butthurt over this article. He states it is unfunny for the sole purpose he is the target of mockery. Rest assured however, with his persistent whining, this article will more than likely be updated more frequently thanks to his assistance.

    His failing attempt to some fucked up kind of crusade of bitching about shit nobody cares about involving the usage of tl;dr journals is a sign that he seeks attention. Resorting to the standard shitty art for bitching like most tartlets, his argument style mainly resorts to repeating the same bull shit in a manner of "NO YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM RIGHT FOR REPEATING THE SAME BATSHIT INSANE JARGON"

    LOL HE REPLIED!

    File:Are You Quite Through by PilgrimJohn.jpg
    Proof that PilgrimJohn is a potential furfag, sporting animal ears of some sort

    When linked to a certain homosexual picture between him and DBoyWheeler (see DBoyWheeler's article for the story and picture) drawn by ChadamWhat, he seemed more mature about replying to the drunk TARTlet than Wheeler, but still whined to an extent. Below is the conversation and endless bitching from the guy who likes to suck Jesus' cock every Thursday.

    Even though ChadamWhat was calm through the whole thing and somewhat NICE to the poor fuckers and even complimented John on his ID (above), they still blocked him and hid his comments. WHAT BITCHY LITTLE CUNTS.

    It is also rumored that ChadamWhat may have a thing for PilgrimJohn, seeing how he said he was attractive two times (in his journal and in the comment above) despite being male himself. LOL U GONNA GET RAPED NIGGA. U BETTAH WATCH YO BACK.

    File:Phailurejohn.jpg
    Moar troll art.

    PilgrimJohn's Newest Love Affair.

    It seems that Dboywheeler isn’t PJ’s only gay lover. PJ often comes to the rescue of his fellow conservative, Conservatoons [1] defending him viciously whenever someone dares criticize his unfunny comic that clearly rips off The Far Side’s style. He will also argue with ANYONE who dares argue with the asswipe logic of Conservatoon's shitty work. He may deny that he is GHEY, but he happily tongues Conservatoon's ass along with DBoyWheeler and FacelessMaster3003.

    PJ wonders why Conservatoons hasn’t banned his critics, since apparently it hasn’t even occurred to him that maybe unlike PJ, Conservatoons can take criticism Conservatoons never responds to the accusations of plagiarism and is just as big of a asswipe as his three fantards. Additionally, Conservatoons has a non-political account of AtomicCheese, but refuses to say this publicly, so none of his political lovers know about it.

    DBoyWheeler has shown that he has love for Conservatoons as well, creating a severely fucked up love triangle. Dboy will be very upset once he realizes that the two men he loves most will be having buttsex without him.

    The Vandalism

    A now banned ED user of the name of Sorimimi came and edited this page to tell everyone that the users who made this article are all yaoi fangirls and whores who hate straight people, who should all just get a life. Judging from the inane ramblings akin to a conservative political commentator, it’s probably safe to say that Sorimimi was actually PJ himself coming to his own defense.

    One interesting tidbit the vandal wrote in the article suggests that PJ may have thoughts about himself and Shadow the hedgehog being totally OTP:


       
     
    We wish Shadow and the "Bible Thumper" were yaoi together so they can satisfy our fangirl needs.
     

     
     

    — Sorimimi, possibly PJ himself projecting his own fantasies through imaginary fangirls.

    Be sure to fill Sorimimi's page with gay porn and other blasphemous images.

    HUGE FAG

    File:PJlookingatmen.jpg
    PJ admits that he undresses men with his eyes.



    Failed Attempts to be Clever

       
     
    Only people such as I, who have come to possess the Badge of Righteous In-Your-Face-Mutherfugger Truth have what it takes to take her furfag-lipping, monkey-fucking, diaper-eating, shit-stained excuse of a face and give it the ultimate Internet swirly.
     

     
     

    — PJ expressing his Christian love and humility


    Gallery of Jargon

    See Also

    External Links

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    PilgrimJohn is part of a series on

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    PilgrimJohn
    is part of a series on
    Christianity
    Badass jesus.jpg
    Blessed by God [-+]
    Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
    Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
    Heathens [-+]
    1. REDIRECT Template:Sonic