A Cock is what men have that makes them better than women. Rather than having a gaping, lukewarm hole for genitalia, men possess a hefty phallus with a knob on top and a hole at the tip allowing them to easily urinate standing up, put out small fires, and convert lesbians and virgins into useful, productive members of society. It is well known that the cock is superior to the vagina. This is clearly acknowledged by the internets and so must be true. According to feminists, possessing a cock automatically makes you a rapist.
Cocks spew many things, including, but not limited to: semen, urine, blood, and ants. According to the Great and Holy Talmud, the latter-most is a bad omen from Yahweh and you should never go to a repellent Jew doctor if this happens.
Reasons why it's good to have a cock
- Bathroom time is on average 30 seconds
- you don't have to sit down on some filthy-ass public toilet
- You can piss your name in the snow
- A big bulge in your pants will help you get laid
- Having sex is actually enjoyable
- You can do more sex positions with a cock than without one
- Rape is easier to commit
- You have a fun toy to play with when you're bored
- You can easily get away with pissing in public
- Masturbation is a lot simpler
- Masturbation is more fun when you can aim it at things
- In a girl
- In a guy
- In an unwilling stranger
- In a Femidom/Condom if the unwilling stranger has Aidz
- In a willing stranger
- In a corpse
- In a child
- In your neighbor
- In your mom
- In your dad
- In your grandma
- In your sister
- In your cousin
- In an animal
- In your pet
- In a whore
- In a slut
- In a bitch
- In a dyke
- In yourself
- In your teacher/professor/instructor
- In your principle
- In a robot/cyborg
- In the ass
- In the mouth
- In the vagina
- Inside another cock
- In a condom (archaic)
- In an armpit
- In the ear
- In the eye (hence "cockeyed")
- In the tear ducts
- In the bellybutton
- In an electrical socket
- In shards of glass
- In your own ass, mouth or vagina
- In a skull
- In any bodily opening, including a self-inflicted wound such as a papercut
- Atop a pile of trash.
- In a ant mound
- In a pencil sharpener
- In a pot of scalding hot oil
- In a pool of bleach
- In a pool of Sulfuric acid
- In the barrel of a fully loaded firearm
- In the barrel of a fully loaded rocket launcher
- In a blender
- In your fireplace
- In scalding hot water
- In the mouth of a bottle
- In front of a camera
- In a blowup doll
- In anything you can wrap cock around in
- In any tight hole you can fit your cock in
- EVERYWHERE!* With the following exceptions:
Where Not to Put Cock
- Rex Beowulf
- Kirk Johnson – You couldn't feel it anyway with that gaping anus of his.
- Dorian Thorn – The outcome is probably not what you're expecting.
- Children – This could land you in prison where you'll meet Bubba.
- College Sex Bloggers – unless you want your cock rated and ridiculed.
- Kim Kardashian
- AIDS-filled pools
- Diabeetus-filled fools
- Blood-covered tools
- Puddles of drool
- Glory hole
- Through any hole of a fursuit
- Mouse trap (and any other)
- Jacuzzi jets
List of Known Cock-Lovers
Many people are well known for how much they crave the cock. Here are just a few of the many people that truly love the cock.
- All furries – Despite their protestations to the contrary.
- Armin Meiwes – Loves the cock so much he actually ate someones cock.
- Dorian Thorn
- Gerard Way
- Chris Crocker
- Hal Turner
- iconoclast – Likes the pole and the hole.
- Jeffree Star
- Larry Craig
- Lady Gaga (Yes the gender is correct)
- Perez Hilton
- Sigurdur Hjartarson (see below)
- Angry Homo Kid
The truth about penis size is plain and simple: your penis is too small. Sexually speaking, most women couldn't care less about the size of their man's penis; they’re moar interested in what the man does to make them feel good and money. Without one or both of these, you have no chance.
Apologists argue that if you're gay, your male partner is probably more interested in finding antique Cher paraphernalia on eBay than the size of your piece of pork. Right—maybe if you're over 80. In reality, every gay man fantasizes about having the biggest cock possible in their mouth and up their ass, so if you're gay, you're especially fucked. Literally and repeatedly—you will never be the top as long as you live.
One thing is for certain: whether straight or gay, if you have a small cock, are poor, are getting up there in years (over the age of 30 or so) and are fat, you're basically doomed to die alone. You might as well start sucking dicks for money and/or crack and getting your love at truck-stop bathroom glory holes, because you aren't getting any anytime soon.
A bacterial infection which devours cock muscle, leaving your member miniature and permanently excluded from all vaginae. To determine if you suffer from clinical micropenis, start by whipping out your wife-pipe. Grab the longest pubic hair you have and pull it straight. If you don't shave your pubes and it's still longer than your member, you're fucked. Or rather, you will never be fucked. As an interesting side note, those with Clinical Micropenis can often be mistaken as lesbians.
Many young guys feel shy talking around their pals due to the small size of their cocks. Thankfully, pseudoscience has the answer. The penis Qigong is just one of the best magical techniques that can be used to ENLARGE YOUR SHRINKY-DINK TODAY FOR ONLY 5 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.95.
If you’re seriously considering buying one of these fantastic products, then study the lessons from The Anti-Penis Propaganda Foundation for Non-Profit Penis Size Information and Thundersplace.com. OR JUST VISIT HERE IF YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING PUSSY AND WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR TINY COCK TODAY!
Synonyms for Cock
Anaconda, banana, beef stick, bell-end, boner, carrot, Cavalier, chode, cranny ax, cunt wrecker, dick, ding-a-ling, ding-dong, dipstick, dong, doughnut holder, fireman, front-mounted bitch splitter, harbl, hard-on, hot dog, johnson, knob, lap rocket, love muscle, love stick, Lil' Jimmy Norton, magic wand, man cannon, man-shaft, meat, meat missile, meat whistle, nether rod, ol' one-eye, one-eyed [whatever], pecker, pee-pee, peen, penis, penor/pen0r, phallus, piece of pork, PINGAS, pink oboe, pork steeple, pork sword, prick, purple-headed warrior, purple mushroom, pussy plunger, rod, sausage, skin flute, schlong, shaft, soldier, spunk stick, stiffy, throbber, third leg, towel rail, trouser snake, Twanger, wang, wee-wee, weenie, weiner, Whickerbill, willy, whoopie stick, womb raider, woody, yogurt slinger, your precious, and finally, that thing you will never put anywhere except the palm of your hand (and possibly the occasional watermelon or Japanese sex doll).
Porn addicts often feel jealous about the ridiculously large apparent size of the penises of the male actors in pornography. This view is, however, founded on unrealistic expectations, as pornographers use tricks such as special cock-enlarging camera angles and tiny, flat-chested, seemingly prepubescent female actresses.
Sigurdur Hjartarson Wants Your Cock
Sigurdur Hjartarson loves the cock. He has a disturbing number of cocks from at least 90 different animal species. He runs the Icelandic Phallological Museum. It wasn't a museum originally; he just had a house full of cocks. One day, however, he left the door unlocked, a bunch of lost tourists wandered in and he had to think of an explanation quickly or risk being IRL B&. As part of the glorious fiscal mismanagement that would later lead to Iceland's total financial collapse, the government felt the need to fund this with tax dollars.
Hjartarson's dream is to have a human shlong specimen. Four hopeful candidates have come forward to give this kindly elderly gent his last wish: a German, Sportacus, a Britfag, and an American who calls his cock "Elmo."
- DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
- Goose Cock
- Dick Cheney
- Iron penis
- Edward Penishands
- Dick Masterson
- I TOUCHED HIS PENIS!! OMG
- The Dongs template (more cock pictures)
- Why is there a huge cock on the top left corner?
- My Tiny Dick
- Anthony Weiner
- Penis radio ad (1) – According to the New Zealand AIDS foundation, there is a National Penis Day...
- Penis radio ad (2) ...but it kind of seems like it might be every Thursday according to this radio ad.
- Documentary of Penis Pictures – A massive archive of free penis pictures and surveys that tries to be serious, but ended up being a big collection of funny looking cocks.
- MONSTERSOFCOCK – Another fine place to see cock, featuring a FAQ so fine it deserves reproduction:
- Even though it quite literally has, no practical function, he still considers it The "Perfect" Penis.
- Small penis contest
- Small cocks for the lolz
- How to Practice Iron Penis (Iron Balls) Qigong
- User-submitted cock pictures – Show yours off—you know you want to.
- Here's another one.
- KNUCKLES FROM SONIC THE HEDGEHOG HAS A 4-HEADED PENIS. Seriously..
- Two balls, no cock? One ball, one cock? YOU DECIDE!.
- Social networking site for dicks
- THE FAILPIPE: Camwhore made himself impotent, ruins his life
- Awkward Boners
- Penomet to improve your penis size
- Redtube: a man born with TWO DICKS fucks some chick
- The Visualiser: Compare your cock with the cock of blackzilla!
- Monster Cockz
- Robocop REALLY hates cocks
Cock is part of a series on
is part of a series on
Food and Drink
[Om Nom Nom]