|HOLY SHIT OBAMACARE PASSED MODA FOKAS|
|For a similar article written by an angry Ohio conservative, see Health Care Rage|
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—Yahoo! News conservatives are experts on the Constitution, 
In March 2010, after 100 years of trying, America joined the rest of the world in pretending that the government cares about your health as a basic, fundamental, human civil right along with breathing, masturbating, free speech, racial equality and faggots marrying when President Black Jesus jammed his pet project -a giant 2,000 page bill- through the US Congress and up the arse of the Americunt people.
It's too bad that the republicans are going to win in November and repeal it. Boo fucking hoo. UPDATE AS OF 2011: lol, nope UPDATED AS OF 2017: LOL YEP TRUMP IS DOING IT.
Obamacare aka Healthcare Reform is a genius political device for both causing epic levels of butthurt to Big Insurance, Republicunts, Teabaggers and Professor Glenn Beck's Faux News network and the pretense that a civilized society such as the USA actually cares deeply for Joe Public.
However, healthcare reform is -in reality- an elaborate troll that furthers the USA's big business agenda by keeping the rented mules that are the beasts of burden in any Capitalist system healthy so they can work longer and harder at their own expense. Healthcare reform seeks to further grease the wheels of The Man's continued domination of the peasant classes by supplying soothing balm to the wounds of the broken down farmer, factory worker and docker.
Ironically, the real American workforce -the People's Republic of China- already has universal healthcare.
Why Here? Why Now?
Insurance For Dummies
Before addressing why America's current healthcare system is 'broken' and in need of reform, one must understand the nature of the beast; how does the current system work (or not work as in this case)? What is wrong with the current system and how did it end up as an abject failure? To understand this, you need to understand the basics on how insurance -be it car insurance, house insurance, health insurance or whatever else people get insurance for- works.
Insurance (surprisingly not invented by Jews) is basically a form of betting and -as with all gambling- it's mostly about throwing your hard-earned jewgolds down the drain since the odds are heavily stacked in favour of the house. With insurance, you enter into a bet (the policy) with an insurance provider where you're betting said insurer that you won't get sick, you won't have a car accident, your house won't get robbed and so on.
With health insurance, every month, you (or your boss or parents) throw a few hundred bucks into the insurer's hat and bet them that you're probably going to get sick -catch Swine Flu, break a leg, get cancer etc. However, unlike roulette or whatever, with this kind of game you're actually really hoping you don't 'win' because 'winning' this game means you've lost the game -your health. If you do get lucky and 'win' the monthly bet, the insurance company is obliged to cough up your 'winnings' -the money you need to go get whatever it is looked at by a doctor and fixed.
Mostly, the insurer can easily cover losing to your bet with no sweat or butthurt since their odds are so good -for the punters, 'winning' a healthcare bet by getting sick isn't really that desirable and you're not likely to even try and win the game much less cheat to beat the odds. Plus -in comparison to a filthy, backward Third World country- we live in a squeaky clean, healthy/health conscious nation with a high life expectancy due to an abundance of good shit like clean water and plenty of good, nutritious food and lots of rounded corners and padding on things that might otherwise impale us, so the odds are heavily stacked in the house's (the insurer) favour.
This (be it health, car or house insurance) is on the face of it a pretty simple, innocuous game/business model, that -when voluntarily entered into- is easy to understand, mostly above-board (as far as gambling goes), relatively drama free with rules and regulations that protect both parties to ensure fair play when disputes inevitably arise that require adjudicating.
Multiply this action by about 200 million adults and Big Insurance has a pretty big "Risk Pool" to cover all the losses and line their fat pockets.
When we look at healthcare in this manner, we can see that despite being fundamentally a for-profit business model, it is -in essence- already "socialist"; everyone throws money in to a big pool for the mutual benefit of everyone and when somebody gets sick, the pool covers the costs. The only way that this differs from the 'socialised medicine' that the rest of the world enjoys, is that instead of the government running the risk pool and doling out cash for your healthcare needs, it's a gang of unregulated, unethical, greedy fat crooks doing it and they get to keep whatever isn't spent as profit. Actually, insurance only has a 2% profit margin.
Ifs, Ands and Buts.
However, there's a third party in all insurance gambling which raises the stakes considerably and turns a simple wager between the bettor and the house into a complex, high stakes game of risk with incalculable variants carrying with them all manner of invariables, loopholes, drama, shenanigans and complications. This player is called the medical field, a Big Business that includes doctors, for-profit hospitals, multinational drug companies, medical supplies manufacturers and -the bottom feeders of the game- managed care organisations.
Since the cost of even rudimentary medical care, prescription drugs and hospitalisation in America is insanely expensive and thus profitable, everyone wants a piece of the action, so it's only to be expected that the good old fashioned quintessential American value and national pastime of greed (along with its attendant lying, cheating, stealing and assrape) would rear its ugly head and has moseyed up to the table to get in on the game.
On top of this salt in the game, Americans aren't exactly the safest people to bet on, health-wise. Most Americans are alcoholic, cigarette smoking, obese hypochondriacs who breed like rabbits. And the one segment of the population that aren't risky -young adults- think they're invincible (despite all the junk food and drugs they abuse) and think they don't need insurance, so they don't play the game and fuck up the whole risk/reward equation.
As of 2010, about 30,000,000 Americunts lack any kind of health insurance. This doesn't include the 12,000,000 donkeypox ridden illegal immigrants who currently lurk in the shadows (or outside UHaul) stealing your jobs that don't exist anymore. Of the rest -those who do have health insurance- the majority are covered by their employer's health plans while those who work for small businesses or are self-employed get insurance by going into their own pockets to buy individual health insurance plans.
- You will now be able to buy health insurance (when not provided by your boss) if you have a preexisting condition.
- Your insurance company will not be able to deny you coverage should you actually need it.
- Your insurance company will not be able to capriciously and arbitrarily drop you because your condition is expensively scary.
- Your insurance company will not be able to deny you expensive coverage after reaching a randomly chosen 'lifetime ceiling'.
- You will be able to stay on your parents' insurance policy until you are 26.
- Makes Glenn Beck (who raped and murdered a young woman in 1990) repeatedly cry and shit bricks.
- Makes Rush Limbaugh move to Costa Rica..and then repeatedly cry and shit bricks.
- Makes the Jews who run all the private insurance companies cry over not being able to rape your wallet as hard.
- One step closer to a Communist state - YAY!
- Not having insurance will get you v& in 2014 (if it ever happens).
- It's too bad if you need an abortion.
- Illegal immigrants will not be covered, meaning that millions of filthy Mexicans will still be running around America with contagious diseases.
- Death threats and bullet holes in your windows.
- Unhealthy levels of angst, blood pressure and strange noises coming from Republicunt congressmen.
- In Republicunts, Obamacare may cause Tourettes Syndrome
- Less incentive for businesses to hire new workers, thus increasing overall unemployment.
People Who Like Obamacare
- People who hate old people. Under Obamacare, sickly old people will be put out of their misery by government mandated Death Panels that will deliberate on whether granny or grandpa is healthy enough and viable to continue working productively for the glory and benefit of the People's State of America.
After the US economy collapsed in 2008 and everybody's pensions and life savings were wiped out, the luxury of retirement was no longer an option and all the old people were rounded up and sent to Walmart-sponsored reeducation camps. Many, however, were beyond hope for reintroduction to the workforce, and after cost/benefit analysis -where the price of expensive medical procedures and medications were weighed against any potential financial gain to be had from continuing to flog an already dead horse- was factored in, Black Hitler decreed that the chaff of society was to be shed to avoid them becoming a burden to a happy, productive, reliable workforce and the rest of society as a whole.
Death Panels made up of medical professionals, trade unions, government beancounters and the liberal elite (post bleeding heart removal surgery) will determine who will die and who will live to work another day. The most efficient and cost-effective method of extermination and matters concerning disposal of the useless is still to be determined; however, the existing pre-Obamacare method of death by HMO procrastination/red tape and/or insurance companies refusing coverage (or dropping) anyone with more than a headache is already amazingly effective. As for your loved ones remains, the Chinese have expressed interest in American cadavers for a new technology for a vitamin supplement known as Soylent Green.
People Who Hate Obamacare
- Glenn Beck (who raped and murdered a young woman in 1990)
- Sarah Palin even wants you to kill legislators that voted for it.(See poster at right)
- Faux News
- People with health insurance
- Experts who know how to fix the problem without more regulations, which caused the problems in the first place
- The rich and beautiful
- Teabaggers hate Obamacare because Glenn Beck tells them to but their main objection is that the additional cost to taxpayers will add to the nation's deficit that their grandchildren will inherit. Too bad they're not going to have any grandchildren when the world ends in 2012. And even if the world doesn't end in 2012, by the time they have grandchildren, America will be wholly owned by the Chinese when they come to collect on the trillions of dollars W borrowed from then to pay for two wars.
The Internets is surprisingly silent on this one. Apparently everyone loves Black Jesus and good health. However, with super cereal issues on the line, we here at ED suspect that this is the calm before the storm. You take a gander at the approaching shitstorm tsunami of butthurt wamberlamps chasing at Healthcare Rage.