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    Noise music

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    The album that started it all

    Noise music is the most underground genre around in the world today, or at least that's what noisefags, artfags and scenefags would have you believe. In reality, noise music is basically a piss-take started by Lou Reed in the 1970's when he released an album called "Metal Machine Music" which consisted of four sides of a 12" vinyl full of guitar feedback, farts, gay sex and liquid shit. The final side of the album has a 'closed loop' which means that the last track doesn't end until the listener removed the record. Lou Reed essentially IRL trolled the shit out of his fanbase and accidentally the whole genre with one album.

    Word Spreads

    Being a bit of an artfag himself but really just in it for teh lulz, Reed sat back and shot up some smack while getting blown by a transvestite as people actually bought his musical turd, laughing his Jew ass off in the knowledge that he could get away with pulling off shit like this. Meanwhile, an azn guy from Japan called Masami Akita got a copy of Metal Machine Music and decided to see if he could steal some of Lou Reed's jewgolds for himself by calling himself Merzbow and releasing over 9000 albums since 1978.

    On the other side of the pond, an IRL troll by the name of Boyd Rice also thought he could steal jewgolds by doing his own noise albums. He's still playing nowadays but is more famous for trolling the media, collecting Barbie dolls and pretending he's a Nazi. He's also a member of the Church Of Satan which automatically means he's a fag anyway so we can disregard him.

    What Is A Noise Music?

    It's shit. It's usually just blasts of really, really fucking loud noise which is generated from circuit-bent toys, guitar pedals, laptops, hitting things with hammers, and shit you don't really care about. Seriously, it's like running a hoover through a distortion pedal or recording a fart then running it through echo. The various styles within noise music can be described thusly:

    • Harsh Noise: Loud farts with distortion.
    • Ambient Noise: Quiet farts with a delay pedal.
    • Noise Rock: 3 Faggots or more. One playing a chromatic bass riff, while the drummer jumps on the drums, and the guitarist makes farts.
    • Noise Pop: Catchy farts

    There are dozens of sub-genres in noise, all of which consist of taking a word and putting 'noise' after it but they all sound the same. Whichever way you look at it, it's all fail and AIDS.

    How Does I Noise?

    A typical noise album cover

    Making noise music is a piece of piss but it's exponents would have you believe it's an art form to make 'good' noise music. What they don't realise is that it's all utterly shit and that most of the people who make it are basement dwelling, fat self-harmers who think they're cool because they can work a distortion pedal. By following these steps, you too can become a legendary noise artist...

    1. Give yourself a name, one which is suitably pretensious and/or dark and scary to make you cool to the noise kids.
    2. Open a Myspace, search for 'noise' or 'black metal' and add everyone.
    3. Download Audacity.
    4. Record yourself farting and hitting things.
    5. Add distortion and turn everything up to 11.
    6. Release it as an album/EP with gore/porn/blood/serial killer/self-harming related artwork (See image on the right).
    7. ????
    8. Profit!

    You're almost there. The next step is to find a record label to release your material! But who's going to release your album of artistic genius, packed with farts and distortion? Sony?! BMG?!1 Geffen?!?!

    Record Labels

    A typical noise record label

    In noise music, everyone has their own label. Srsly. Fair enough, the labels only exist on either MySpace, or some shitty blog site but there are a handful who are actually fairly well-known in this septic tank of noise music. The majority though are netlabels, set up by one guy on myspace under the delusional belief that he's (cause it's ALWAYS a guy) somehow going to take noise music to the next level or become the next Merzbow. If you want to release an album, you contact any of them online and say you want to release with them and 99% will say yes.

    Want to set up your own label?

    1. Make up a name for your label e.g. Rotting Pishflaps Records
    2. Open an Archive account for your label.
    3. Offer to upload an album for anyone who wants one on your kewl new label.
    4. Insist that they include your logo and contact info on their artwork.
    5. ????
    6. Profit!

    You're now a noise legend and will be immortalised on teh internets 4evah because you're a pretty cool guy who releases noise and doesn't afraid of anything.

    Typical Noise Faggotry

    Note the deepthroating of the mic and subsequent collapse of... well... everything about 3 minutes in.

    Every noisefag evar goes to this shit in Miami at least once a year to assault the poor residents of Little Haiti with their sonic vomit and stink up their already shitty shithole.

    Trolling Noise Fans

    Noise is full of the dregs of society. It's like a more AIDS-riddled emo/goth scene with black metal, grind, Satan, paedophilia, self-harmers and Nazis all thrown in for good measure. Noise bands and fans only seem to exist on myspace, a handful of forums, and a few shit towns, but they're prime candidates for trolling due to the excess faggotry, weeaboos and scene girls who claim to be 'into' noise.

    There are a variety of ways to troll these people, from simply throwing abuse at them to psyoping them and causing a shitstorm when you declare that Merzbow is actually a lot of ballocks. It's also possible to obtain nudes from the fangirls as most of them are fucked up and have serious mental issues which means that they're easy to manipulate, and possibly even drive to become an hero.

    Trolling noise fans is easy, many of them will launch tl;dr diatribes about how stupid you are for not 'getting' it, particularly on Jewtube where you can find videos by people like Merzbow, and Masonna, two of the 'big name' slanty eyes in noise and just say "This is shit" before the storm commences. Better yet, reply to the people who make the most ragetastic comments and/or engage them in private messages because they will BAAAAAWWWWWWWWW like fuck at your ignorance.

    Always keep in mind that the absolute easiest way to troll noisefags is to simply say something along the lines of "Yeah, I could do that," "I did something like that years ago and it was way better," or simply "gay." Each and any of these put-downs will inevitably lead to you being told to go back to listening to either Lil' Wayne or Coldplay, getting a tl;dr argument from some fuckwit, or attracting sarcastic comments from noisefags who are far more intelligent than you.

    When trolling noisefags, persistence is key.

    Can Noise Be Win?

    No. The music itself can never be win, although some of the people who have been involved in noise music have done some incredibly wintastic things. Masonna's live sets last a matter of seconds and consist of him screaming and throwing himself around the stage till he basically knocks himself out. Hanatarashi's frontman, Yamantaka Eye, cut a cat in half with a machete onstage, ran about like a mad cunt with a circular saw on his back and almost chopped his leg off, threw Molotov cocktails at the stage during a gig, and then drove a fucking bulldozer through the wall of the venue.

    In a less noisy effort, John Cage released a track called 4'33' which consisted of four and a half minutes of silence. To top it off, he then trolled a live audience by having a pianist actually 'play' the track.

    And At!'s live performances (if they really exist) consist of the Jap Trap running around on a wooden platform ("stage") and screeching "lyrics" in moonspeak while flicking its hair and beating its body against the floor of the "stage" to the beat of white noise.

    Luigi Russollo, fascist Italian batshit mental composer from the early 1900s, created special noise machines that pissed people off so much that he ended up causing a riot. When questioned afterwards, he confirmed that he had indeed did it all for teh lulz.

    Boyd rice often shines extremely bright light on the crowd, bright lights that are put just out of their reach. At the same time he psychologically tortures them with "music" played just below the threshold of pain. Oftentimes he gets these same faggots to shine his shoes after and even during the performance.

    Aside from that, but also François Bayle, Pierre Schaeffer, Iannis Xenakis, Luc Ferrari, Bernard Parmegiani, Gordon Mumma, Edgard Varèse, Milton Babbitt, Pierre Henry eh... noise music is pretty much fail.

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