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    Nintendo DS

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    The Nintendo DS is a portable game device that was dumped all over the market in fall 2004. Despite Nintendo having passed up the chance to have given it a better name, such as PNES (Portable Nintendo Entertainment System or Penis), it has totally sucked ass compared to Sony's PSP (not that it matters though cause the PSP is still a fucking piece of shit), becoming a flaw point for Nintendo fanboys in basements around the world.


    In 2004 Nintendo decided to make a new handheld. It featured polygonal-but-less-powerful than Nintendo 64-graphics, wireless LAN, Internet connectivity and double screen design wherein the lower screen was a touch screen. They originally called it the Nintendo Penis. Sadly, licensing indirectly issues resulted in the name being Nintendo DS. Nintendo admits their console was a gimmick, because otherwise they would have named it "Game Boy Touch". However, they were afraid to damage their Game Boy franchise so they called it Nintendo DS instead. The only game you ever played with others was Mario Kart DS. Internet connectivity really didn't feel necessary because you rather use a computer on the Internet. Of all the games you tried, a touch screen only felt truly necessary for one of them. Nintendo DS may have been the most popular handheld console for its generation, but which games will you fondly remember when you reminisce about the times you played the Nintendo DS?

    Multiple ways to play

    The standard Nintendo DS comes with two screens, a touch screen, a microphone, a rechargeable battery, and a pruning attachment. These components are used to deflect the player's attention from the horrible graphics.

    Dual screens

    Programmers have long impoverished gamers with their devil-may-care imposition of maps and status bars directly upon the player's field of vision. With an unheard-of "doubling" of available play space, DS provides ample room for the display of both in-game action as well as vital information such as "Hi-Score" and "Number of keys left".

    Touch screen

    Who doesn't like to touch things? Any number of physical objects can be simulated upon this versatile liquid crystal display. Use either your stylus or your oily fingertips to rub, massage, cajole, jiggle, titillate, bobble, or insert. The game is truly in your hands. Sadly, most games force the touch screen feature to be used in pointless, pointless ways to justify installing it.

    Classic controls

    Nintendo DS also features a "classic," Super Nintendo-style control layout, though none of the buttons are actually connected to anything. This hasn't stopped game designers from using the buttons, however, making half the DS library completely unplayable.


    Pedophiliacs can now get in on the game with DS's built-in chat feature Pictochat. By moving within a 65-foot radius of any schoolyard, municipal park, or playground, strangers can use their DS to lure unsuspecting children to dangerous and uncompromised locations.

    Not content to rest on its laurels, Nintendo has also signed an agreement with Wayport, Inc., establishing wireless DS access points in McDonald's restaurants across the United States. This streamlines the process by allowing pedophiles to simply take their DS to the parking lot of any McDonald's with a PlayPlace.

    In other news, third parties are also working on a police scanner peripheral to be placed in the GBA slot. It will help protect the constitutional rights of gamers who make use of the Pictochat software.

    Those facts, of course, have promptly attained Fox News' attention, who proceeded to create their usual lollercaust out of it. Here is the whole investigative report:

    According to sources, the new Pantu game, as forewarned on Brass Eye, will let PEDOPHILES WATCH YOUR CHILDREN through the screen, the pedophiles will also be able to release pheromones through your child's DS to make them moar susceptible to being molested. The parents can test this, by sniffing the screens, and if they are DS molested by a drooling, fishy smelling, 56 year old man, through the screen, then the parents know not to let their children near it.....unless they've broken a vase, in which case, parents may use DS rape as form of punishment

    Nintendo DSi

    In 2008, Nintendo at the Nintendo Conference in Tokyo, Japan announced that they we're turning the Nintendo DS into a mobile phone, except you cannot use it to call your friends or family, and pretty much the only thing you can do with it is connect to the internet to buy approved Nintendo products and take pictures of said friends & family.

    It also takes out the GBA slot and replaces it with a SD Card slot, completely ruining functionality for the games that actually used it, or removes at least some functionality for it, is it feeling 100% perfect yet? It also contains flash memory, so you can store things on your DS. you could watch porn on it, just no porn videos which pretty much takes away the functionality of having fucking internet on the sonnofabitch. The DSi also has updates, so Homebrew developers can dangle useful Homebrew in your face and then you can be disappointed when Nintendo takes it away from you. So should you throw away your old DS? Besides if you wanted to make cheap porn, can't you just buy a camera. Just like the Wii it also has a shop feature so you can buy games. But most of the games are crappy puzzle games or really fucking dumb!

    At least you are able to help Nintendo sell out.

    Protip: Find $25 and buy a Gameboy Advance SP from Ebay instead.


    DS graphics technology completely suck. The best looking game, Super Mario, was released at launch, and the graphics actually seem to be getting worse with time. It is estimated that by the end of the system's life, the average DS game will look worse than Pac-Man.

    3D Graphics

    Forget everything you think you knew about graphics

    Combining the woefully underpowered processing of Game Boy Advance with the 2001 technology found in the GamePark 32, Nintendo DS consistently challenges our conception of how awful three-dimensional graphics can be. According to first-hand accounts, its futile cobbling of bland polygonal forms into some approximation of visual coherency is an experience best characterized as disturbing.

    2D Graphics

    Because of its limited 3D capabilities, DS has actually prompted what is considered to be a "renaissance" in 2D gaming. Be wary of this. If 2D gaming does not interest you, always study the back of a game's box closely and confirm that you are only buying games with good 3D graphics, not because it'll help, but maybe someone will see you looking and tell you how choppy the graphics are. It'd be a better idea altogether to just become An Hero.

    Digital Camera


    The 3DS comes with an incredibly innovative 3D digital camera conveniently bitched into its supple plastic molding. Now when it comes to digital cameras there's "awesome", there's "good", there's "okay" and then there's...well, the 3DS. Otherwise known as "shit grade".

    In addition to taking regular shitty cam photos that look like an uber compressed JPEG that went through the washing machine six or eight times, it can also take "3D" shit grade photos as well! Which are of course saved in a specialized, proprietary format to ensure you'll only ever be looking at them on your 3DS.

    Of course, no shit grade camera would be complete without allowing you the "feature" to fuck up already bad photos with fuck-ugly sparkles and other Deviantart inspired horrors. It even has this fairy dust effect where you blow into the microphone as you're taking the picture and it's like you're blowing sparkly augmented reality pixie dust all over the photo. Especially great if you want to take a picture of a regular tree and turn it into a faggottree!


    Share it with someone you love


    The DS sports a patented clamshell design, along with native IEEE 802.11 wireless support and multiple rows of spring-loaded, interlocking teeth.

    Players can invite friends and family to join in on the fun by handing them their DS and then "activating" it from a variety of wirelessly-enabled devices.


    A big vibrating stylus

    The standard Nintendo DS stylus is specially designed to dig into the side of your finger and cause infection. And though critics have described it as too tiny and uncomfortable for practical use, it should be said that the stylus is also easily lost, and will inevitably require the player to purchase another, better stylus.

    In the interests of dimwitted consumerism, various "special-edition" styli have also been released, introducing several other annoyances, such as a douche on a go kart and somebody's disembodied hand.


    Before the release of the DS, Nintendo fanboyism had been a lost cause. With PSP poised to end Nintendo's dominance of the portable market, Sony and Microsoft fanboys were drooling in anticipation of Nintendo's impending demise.

    But despite its terrible graphics, bulky design, and peculiar, garlicky odor, the DS has prevailed, becoming the world's most popular video game system among females age 50-79. This course of events has effected a basic shift in the power structure of fanboyism worldwide.

    Nintendo fanboys, once minimalized and ridiculed by dueling Sony and Microsoft fanboys, have subsequently experienced an unprecedented resurgence in credibility and influence. Going further, the success of DS has redefined the very notion of intermingling fanaticisms, laying the groundwork for proposed fanboy alliances such as "PSWii" and "Wii60".


    If Nintendo fanboys were not retarded or biased, they would have sung this song when Nintendo 3DS was presented in 2011:

    The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again

    Besides being as a regular Nintendo DS, Nintendo 3DS lacks Pictochat, has Gamecube-esque graphics and a region lock. A new addition is upper screen Auto-erotic asphyxiation 3D which will make you nauseated and you instantly turn off. Other new features are:

    • Joystick should have already been present in the previous iteration. If it didn't had extremely shitty processing power, that is.
    • Camera (more accurately known as scamera) so called 3D-camera which is low-fi and you only use once to take a picture of your dick with. This is because if you would like to use a camera you would have bought real one, or use the camera on your cell phone.
    • MP3-player is not used because Spotify is better. Oh wait, it is totally worth it because you get shown a movie of classic looking Excitebike racers on a track wherin both the track and the riders are trying, but failing to follow the rhythm of the music you listen to!
    • Mii Maker because the good Lord knows how much you miss the Miis from the Wii.
    • Mii Plaza Miis other players have created can come to your Mii Plaza. This is your own virtual concentration camp. If two Nintendo 3D:s has wireless communication activated (streetpass mode) and are within a radius of about ten meters they will automatically swap self created Miis and other information such as Mario Kart Ghost data (streetpass exchange). Playing with others through the Internet or local wireless gaming will also make you exchange the Miis you have created. Each newcomer to your concentration camp gives you a piece of a jigsaw puzzle, which is used to form pictures of characters you should have forgotten about when you were twelve years old. Furtthermore, The Miis in your Mii Plaza joins you in the dungeon crawler turn based RPG StreetPass Quest. Depending on the color of his skin the Mii has different skills. After a Mii dies it permanently becomes an hero within that game. Since X is not your personal army you can only have ten adventurers at a time. They will continue fighting throughout the dungeon of the game until they have drawn their last breath.
    • Step Counter activated along with streetpass mode. Taking hundred steps each day gets you ten coins. For those coins you can hire anthropomorphic cats who mimics Miis in StreetPass Quest, buy pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and buy not noteworthy things in nine not noteworthy Nintendo 3DS games. Because you only gain up to ten coins for hundred steps each day, you change the date of the Nintendo 3DS system so it entirely becomes wrong.
    • Swapnote sort of e-mailing system (known as Swapnote in America and Letterbox in Europe) which is combined with Streetpass exchange and Spotpass exhange (the same as streetpass exchange but for Internet encounters through online gaming). It is used by the 3DS community to take pictures of their genitalia to share it with children. Seriously, the problem is so widespread that Nintendo shut down Swapnote for Spotpass on October 2013. Now you have to take yourself out from your basement to get a vagina picture. This will be the closest you will ever get to a teenager pussy!
    • Augmented Reality you place some 3D-cards which were included with the Nintendo 3DS on a table, and use your 3DS camera with them. No one knows how this feature works because it is so gimmicky not even a six year old has tried it.
    • Face Raiders you take a picture of your face. Then it appears as attacking floating balls which you must shoot down with your entire 3DS as the controller and the Nintendo 3DS camera projection as the game's background. This game literally gets you bored after ten seconds.
    • Activity Log statistics about the games you have played and how many steps you have taken. Could be pretty interesting to see how long time it took you to complete a game. Unfortunately, you have fucked up all your calendar data because you tried to get more coins.
    • Web Shop consists of a lot of downloadable shit no one cares about. Hosts a few apps (such as Youtube and a Pokédex) but consists mostly of videos (which are Nintendo related or ripped from Dreamwork's DVD:s bonus material) and expensive games (retail, indie and pixel era emulations). The only thing you download from here is old games. You try to look for Super Nintendo classics, but instead get crappy Game Boy Color titles.
    • Placeholder Nintendo know their product looks like shit. Therefore they created a plastic frame wherein the 3DS can be placed which is interconnected with a charger.


    In the beginning of summer 2012, Nintendo Jews of America president announced the all new 3DS XL. It was then announced by Japan's president, Satoru Iwata, that the Japanese and European version will not include a AC adapter, however Americuntland will get it.

    The new features

    • 90% bigger screen so you have even more problems with the 3D Sweet spot
    • 90% more chance of noticing how shitty the graphics of the Nintendo 3DS is because the resolution is more stretched out.
    • Apart from the pixels being stretched out on the screen, the game characters move clunky. It is as if you are playing on a shitty 3DS emulator instead of an actual 3DS.
    • Shittier sound. It should not bother you though. Except if you are or an audiophile or half deaf, and therefore have to turn up the sound volume to the maximum zone wherein the speakers start scratching.
    • 90% More battery. Because the battery life of the normal 3ds was so good, it's a great improvement.
    • 90% probability of being unable to fit in your pocket, relying on other means to carry it.
    • 90% 90% Bigger pen
    • Was 90% bigger screens mentioned?

    "New" 3DS

    Sometime Last Thursday, Nintendo thought they didn't have enough money, so they released yet another system and labeled it "new" so you couldn't figure out whether it's new or "New". Nintendo needed yet more jew gold so they made it XL only and then trolled us all by removing the AC adapter everywhere.

    The additions

    • Supposedly it fixes the 3D, but it fucks up when 2 or more people are looking at the screen
    • A C-stick which isn't actually a stick
    • No AC adapter
    • Only comes in XL in Americunt
    • Only 2 extra hours of battery life in case you're that much of a no life to play this shit
    • No AC adapter
    • 90% harder to fit in your pocket than the 3DS XL
    • Higher resolution for 3D panty shots
    • The ability to scan in amiibo as if you'd buy them for a handheld
    • No AC adapter
    • A bigger pen to make fat people less self-conscious
    • I think I forgot to say that there's no AC adapter.


    2DS - 3D Slider Off Switch.jpg

    Nintendo 2DS (A.K.A Nintendo's downgrade, Xbox Two Mini) is the shittiest handheld console ever. It's supposed to be a Nintendo 3DS's downgrade and it is without 3D. Nintendo said that this console would be for children, because the company wants more money and parents ignore the Nintendo 3DS's PARENT CONTROL FEATURE. No, I'm not shitting you. That's literally the only thing making it different from the 3DS. Nintendo 2DS is just a waste of plastic and will, like most shitty expensive electronic toys, break easily. Since the Wii U's sales sucked balls, Nintendo just decided to do it for the money.

    The truth is obvious, they made the Nintendo 2DS for the money. But also, they did it because the majority of their customers are just so completely fucking stupid that they can't even figure out how to flip a shitting switch to turn off the 3D "experience" in order to avoid any imagined medical problems (which would prevent them from filing frivolous lolsuits against Nintendo). More specifically, they did it to shift unsellable Wii U game pad screens, as the Wii U is about as popular as a pork chop at a bar mitzvah, so stuck them in a system that they think can make money by selling it to gullible parents who are scared that 3D will ruin their kids eyes.

    "New" 2DS XL

    It's bad.


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