So, you've picked up your brand new nigger, eager to get it working, but you just aren't sure what to do with it! Well never fear, the Nigger Manual is here! In this manual, you will learn many handy tips, from how to fill your nigger's noggin' with bleak, empty promises of reward, to how to thoroughly discipline your nigger when he decides to steal a watermelon from your watermelon patch! If handled properly, your nigger will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service. In just fifteen minutes, it'll feel like 1853 again, guaranteed! Ready? Here we go!
In this manual:
INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. To start, set your nigger's jumpers to the slave position. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e., chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately upon unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Gary Niger, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, Bix nood, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a hoe, it should be called Latrelle, Bix nood, L'Tanya, Sheneequa, mo'nique, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus—"muh dick" and "IM PRESSIN CHARGES" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, and yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier—at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and womens', not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
HOUSING YOUR NIGGER
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers (equivalent to 120 white people). You can sit a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR NIGGER
Your nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. It also throughly enjoys drinking malt liquor from forty ounce bottles wrapped in brown paper bags, or what is more commonly known as a "fo'ty ounce". You should therefore give it none of these things, because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it porridge with salt, acorns, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, dead babies, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all the niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result.
You should never allow your nigger to have meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
If your nigger is well-behaved, you can give him a treat.
However, if you feed your nigger too well he will become lazy and useless.
MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, is its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, enabling them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to dupe your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely.
Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can work until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include:
- A GOOD THRASHING
- Every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing.
- LYNCH THE NIGGER
- Niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger. Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one).
- NIGGER DRAGGING
- Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of a suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do NOT drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit.
- PLAYING ON THE PNL
- A variation on #2, except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood.
- HUNT THE NIGGER
- A variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.
DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS
Do not return your dead nigger to our nigger distribution facility. Is there a sign outside that says dead nigger storage? No, there isn't, and that is because storing dead niggers ain't our fucking business. We distribute live niggers only.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.
Please note that if you have the African Pygmy Variant, it can be cooked and fed to the homeless in lieu of disposal.
TROUBLESHOOTING YOUR NIGGER
Notice: The following problems are very common. If you have several of these defects with your Nigger, do not feel like you were ripped off. Niggers are often very defective; it is their defining trait. Returning your Nigger for a new one would not show any better results.
- MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
- Have it put down, for God's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short on niggers or something?
- MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
- They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and heavily arm any white women who might go near it.
- MY NIGGER WANTS TO PLAY QUARTERBACK, BUT KEEPS THROWING INTERCEPTIONS
- Being the highlight reel whores they are, they naturally want to play quarterback. However, thinking under pressure is not his strong suit. Let him play wide receiver, so he can run in straight lines, as he did from feces-throwing chimps in his natural habitat.
- WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
- Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
- MY NIGGER KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
- Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
- MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
- A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shit-skin".
- MY NIGGER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
- What you have there is a "wigger".
- WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
- They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it.
- MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BADLY.
- And you were expecting what?
- MY NIGGER WON'T STOP TALKING OUT LOUD IN MOVIE THEATERS AND LIBRARIES!
- Don't let your nigger own a cell phone. If the problem persists, apply duct tape to its clown-lips.
- MY NIGGER DISPLAYS A MASSIVE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.
- This is normal.
- SHOULD I ALLOW MY NIGGER TO FORNICATE WITH OTHER NIGGERS?
- Where are we, Wonderland? You'll have a lot of trouble getting it to fornicate with other niggers.
- WHERE CAN I BUY MYSELF A BETTER QUALITY NIGGER?
- I don't really understand the question. Better quality nigger?
- MY NIGGER STOLE MY BIKE, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- You should immediately put on a pink jump suit and chase it.
- MY NIGGER'S LIFE GOT FLIPPED, TURNED UPSIDE DOWN; WHAT HAPPENED?
- This occurs when a nigger is taken out of his natural habitat and re-planted within an upstanding black community.
- MY NIGGER KEEPS TRYING TO KILL MY OTHER NIGGERS, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
- Sometimes when the nigger is given too little chicken, it will try to acquire more chicken from nearby niggers. You can solve this by either treating all niggers at the same time, or more effectively not providing any chicken at all. This may cause problems at first, but a good thrashing will soon cure this.
- MY NIGGER LIKES TO RAP, WEAR ALL SORTS OF SHINY STUFF AND OFTEN REPEATS STUFF LIKE "YO NIGGA" AND "MY HOOD"
- Your nigger is of the Rapper subspecies. Bring him to the local Universal recording studio and have him tagged. Then bring him to the zoo and make him imitate the apes (mostly the hand gestures). Take any piece of text longer than 10 lines (anything like the back of a beer bottle will do), then randomly add phrases such as "yeah for my niggas", "east coast for life", and "bigup for my homies". Proceed to sell your nigger to a nigga ranch. Profit!
- MY NIGGER THINKS HE IS CAPABLE OF OBTAINING SOME SORT OF POLITICAL OFFICE
- This is actually a severely malfunctioning nigger and you should immediately take your nigger into the upstanding communities near you for the purpose of showing them what happens when you leave your nigger alone long enough to begin thinking on it's own. A Nigger acquiring an IQ much more than its primitive brain could handle overloads the system and renders it incapable of receiving commands or displaying acts of obedience. Conventional disciplinary actions cause the disorder to mutate to dangerous levels and we learned it the hard way with the early slave prototype. Options are either Immediate Euthanasia or taking your nigger to the local brain surgeon for a lobotomy so that he can reconfigure the hardware, remove excess IQ and return the nigger brain to the docile primitive state it was originally designed for. Once your "independent" nigger has been properly dealt with, you should then happily allow yourself to be used as an example by others for the upstanding community around you to understand what the hell happens when you let your fucking nigger start thinking for it's own damn self.
The following excerpt from A Farmer's Guide to Biology: Making the Best of Your Nigger has been included below for your interest.
The observable differences between niggers are called variations. Think of your and your friends' niggers and all of their different sizes, shapes, and features. These are variations. Animals and plants also show variation; usually more than a nigger is capable of showing. For example, dogs are all one species and can interbreed together but have many different colors, shapes, or sizes. The same can be said about niggers—but note that they always remain the same color.
Some variation is inherited and some variation is determined by the environment. Characteristics such as height and weight are partly inherited and partly caused by diet. Genes and the environment can influence your nigger.
Farmers often try to improve their niggers by breeding new variations or combinations of characteristics. For example, short and disease resistant niggers crossed with tall and susceptible niggers will give rise to tall, resistant niglets (provided that the characteristics tall and resistant are the dominant alleles). Cross breeding provides a cheaper and more reliable way of improving a nigger, compared to genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is only used to introduce genes that cannot be introduced by breeding. Seeing as niggers are only able to handle simple tasks, this is usually not necessary.
A characteristic showing continuous variation is controlled by many pairs of genes and is usually influenced by the environment. Continuously variable characteristics show no distinct phenotypes; there is usually a spectrum of varieties. For example, some niggers are tall and some niggers are short, and it is possible that a nigger is any size in between. The same could be said of weight and skin tone. However, intelligence is not a variable factor as the brain of a nigger is severely underdeveloped.
Any adaptation that allows a nigger to live longer is said to have survival value. For example, a nigger with chicken survives longer when his owner decides that it is not necessary to feed him. Some say that the addition of fried material to the chicken can lengthen the nigger's lifespan considerably. Fried Pork Chops supplemented with copious quanities of Collard Greens greatly enhance the work output of your units. A word of caution here though, units fuelled with the foregoing should only be used in well ventilated areas. Some variations have mutated and come equipped with "Prehensile Lips". These "Prehensile Lips" create tremendous suction on Fried Chicken and frequently strip the meat off the bone so completely that the dogs are insulted if offered one of the bones. Bar-B-Qued ribs are also treated the same by the "Prehensile Lips".
- Black History Month
- James Watson
- Sparkling wiggles – This four year old girl has read and understands this manual.
- A Womyn's Guide to Males
NIGGER MANUAL is part of a series on