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    Mitchell Rasansky

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    Reaching out to the common people
    "We want people in our parks, not flying mice."

    Mitchell Rasansky is a Dallas city councilperson and one of the stupidest fucking people who has ever lived.

    The Bat Incident

    In 2005, a Dallas-area Boy Scout built three bat houses and installed them in a local park in order to level up his scout ranking and acquire higher attributes and the ability to ride a mount. When Rasansky found out about this Park Department-sanctioned project, he promptly showed up at a city council meeting wearing plastic Dracula teeth and denounced both the Park Department and the scout. The estimated 600 bats that would roost in the houses, Rasansky said, would obviously be dangerous to the city, because everyone knows that bats are evil creatures which drink people's blood. In fact, Austin, a scant 300 miles away from Dallas, is home to many millions of Mexican freetail bats each year, and of course noone is killed because the vast majority of bat species subsist on insects, not the blood of peasant farmers, as everyone outside of Dallas is aware.

    Of course, the bat houses were eventually pulled down by the city, because Dallas has a level of scientific sophistication comparable to that of Nigeria.

    Actual Rasansky Quotes

    • "I know his name," Mr. Rasansky said, referring to the Boy Scout. "His name is Count Dracula."
    • "Am I supposed to take a wooden stake and a cross over there?" Rasansky said, this time referring to the park where the obviously harmless bat houses were built. "I'm not going over there. Would you go over there? You're crazy."
    • "I have enough people to take care of in my district. I don't need a colony of bats," he said. "We want people in our parks, not flying mice."
    • "Where do they want to stay, the Hilton?" Mr. Rasansky asked, referring to the bats, who probably would have declined such an offer in light of the fact that the Hilton is filled with people, which bats do not eat, whereas the park where they were originally staying is filled with bugs, which bats do indeed eat.

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