Minecraft (better known as Chris-Chan's Extreme Autism: Underground, or Mein Kampf) is an over-rated online sandbox game programmed entirely in Java and is the brainchild of the fatass brilliant Swedish ego-manic Markus Persson , also known as “Notch.” It once had an enjoyable community that was once invaded by autistic and screaming 10 year old newfags, but now is controlled by toxic, manipulative speedrunners and people who have too much time on their hands.
The first incarnation of this game appeared in 2009 as a simple time waster in which you would manufacture pixel art of video game sprites and blocky schlongs with an assortment of colored blocks of all different textures. But like all great internet phenomena, it caught the attention of depraved channers and goons to cast their influence on Notch’s ambitious project, which in part made the game more popular than it’s worth.
Being a game made in Java it's sluggish, buggy, and overall extremely terrible; in fact being made in Java is the very reason why you shouldn't play it to begin with. All these problems are to be fixed rather sooner than later, since the abnormally large-framed Notch has finally given up on this shitty game and his suck-up 'employee' Jeb took over the game design. This is, of course, a lie; evidently Jeb is just as lazy and disconnected from the playerbase as Notch was (However, do note that there are people in the company who do listen to community requests more often than before).
- 1 The Game
- 2 The Man
- 3 The Community
- 4 The Drama
- 5 TL;DR
- 6 Notch Sells Out
- 7 Clones
- 8 What Will Happen To You If You Play Too Much Minecraft
- 9 Gallery
- 10 See Also
- 11 External Links
Minecraft's gameplay is composed mainly out of wandering pointlessly, having one finger inserted firmly up your rectum, and if you found that enjoyable enough to get to sunset, you later get raped by various creatures of the night. Although arguably the experience goes deeper than that, no matter how 'amazing' your Minecraft life appears to be it always can be boiled down to the previous sentence. Whenever he is not wandering around looking for that one block he needs to complete his giant golden cock and balls statue, the player is expected to grid the fuck out of mining, farming, tree cutting and, in some tragic cases, even mob-slaying, the one thing that keeps the Minecraft experience just a little bit more varied and organic than a plastic picnic-mat. Basically, playing Minecraft is like playing Second Life on an Atari, only you can edit the world instead of just avatars, and the internet bad because Java.
Mobs are just a bunch of NPCs that are designed to piss you off while you're building your house, which in most cases is a 6x12 hole dug 5 minutes before nightfall in the side of a stone cliff.
- Pig - Pink thing that snorts at you until you kill it for pork chops. Notch added the completely fucking useless feature of being able to ride pigs. First, you go down to the depths of the fucking earth to get a saddle, then you place it on the pig, then you right click it.
You can't control the pig at all, and it moves the same way that it does when you aren't riding it, so its fucking useless other than fulfilling Notch's sick fantasyYou can control it now, but you need a carrot on a stick to attempt to control it. Still fucking worthless. You can also jump off a cliff with it to make the Pig fly.
- Cow - Likes to jump in your face until you milk it or kill it for leather and beef. Milk in Minecraft functions as an antidote for food poisoning, which is ironic because normally if you ate rotten meat and then had milk that'd be suicide.
- Mooshroom - A cow that has mushrooms growing on it's back. It's completely fucking worthless unless you like stew. You can also shave them to make them normal.
- Sheep -
You only get wool from these guys.LOL NEVERMIND, mutton was added in 1.8. They can now eat grass to regain their wool. This is pointless because in the game you need a total of 3 wool.
- Squid - Pointless pieces of shit that live in water. You only get ink sacks from them and they do nothing except make books to write erotic fanfiction in.
- Villager - Creepy, big nosed creatures with crossed arms. All they do is sit around in villages and practically do nothing besides having gay orgies to make babies. You can get different clothed people to show their jobs in society but nobody cares about that since they all act the same anyway. Another way these can be recognised as jews is that you can trade in all of your valuable emeralds for a piece of fried chicken. In short, the fan-made "Millenaire Mod" was at least 100 times better than these Jewish pricks. A major reason for this is that Millenaire villagers can actually build shit while the default villagers sit around and charge you money to do shit for them like the fat ugly jews they are (Note for the 1.14 update, their clothes have been updated to distinguish them more, and they do their jobs better, like picking wheat, but still not as good as some of the mods we have seen for the game).
- Wandering Trader - A villager that decided to leave the jew villages and find stuff to do. Not too useful unless you like building stuff out of wool, or like collecting random garbage.
- Snow Golem - Made from a pumpkin and snow blocks. Basically, a wolf with a brain of Chris-chan. They fire snowballs at enemies that reduces their health by 0.1 each time. Completely pointless unless you want a distraction. They also melt if you take them anywhere other than snowy areas, making them an even bigger fucking waste. The only real use is to let them be decoys while you run like the nigger you are.
- Ocelot - Worthless pieces of ass that do jack shit except wander around and run away from you.
- Cat -
When you tame an OcelotVillages now have cats spawn in them naturally, so Ocelots are even more useless, you get one of these little shitstains. They don't do anything except meow and make Creepers run away.
- Bats - Useless squeaky things that fly into your face at night time and in dark areas for the sole purpose of blocking your attacks and making the game crash more.
- Horses - Remember when riding pigs was completely fucking pointless because you could only control it until your carrot tied onto the end of a fishing rod breaks? Mojang copy/pasted Horses from a mod that was actually good but didn't give the creator money because Mojang employees hate sharing the Jew gold with people who actually do the fucking work (unfortunately, it wasn't the Mr. Hands add-on) to satisfy the needs of bronies. All they're useful for is getting to places faster, carrying your shit in chests and can jump higher than any other mob. You can tie the horses to a fence so that it won't run away like a pussy, and you can ride it like a pig should you have a saddle. Comes with silver, gold and diamond horse armor.
- Rabbits - Added in 1.8, rabbits just basically hop around being useless. Killing them gives you meat and worthless rabbit hide, which can be made into cow leather. Back in the early snapshots of 1.8, there was a very small chance of a hostile white rabbit will spawn as an obvious homage to the killer rabbit from Monty Python. It will rape you harder than bubba's massive Aborigine cock in a little Abbo's ass, however it no longer naturally spawns.
- Cod/Salmon/Tropical Fish/Pufferfish - Hey remember when Notch said Fish would be added back in 2010, well after nearly 9 years from the mention, they finally added them as a replacement for the fish items, and now you have more alive oceans. You can also fancy up redstone garbage with the pufferfish to make traps for the lulz.
- Parrot - Smaller chickens that can hang on your shoulder and do an old meme when you play music. Used to be bred with cookies, but because children are dumbasses, they didn't realize that chocolate is toxic to most domestic animals, including parrots, and would try to feed a parrot a cookie, inevitably killing them, so they changed it to breed with seeds instead.
- Turtle - Sea reptile that walks like ass on the land. Kill them for shells to make armor, or step on their eggs for the lulz.
- Strider - The only damn passive mob in the nether that isn't a baby. These things walk around in lava, and basically act like boats, but you need warped fungus on a stick. Piglins can also spawn on top of them, and they can freeze.
You can now breed animals by feeding them wheat, multiplying the faggotry in the game and also adding a bit of incest as well. If you feed an animal wheat ((Pigs/Rabbits require carrots, Chickens/Parrots require seeds, Cats require raw cod/salmon, Foxes require sweet/glowing berries, and Striders require warped fungus)), they enter love mode and if another animal of the same type is nearby and in love mode too, they have kinky hot nose/face sex until they ejaculate another version of themselves. In 1.9 prerelease 2 you could multiply animals like cells as long as you had wheat, but in all updates after, Notch changed it so that when 2 animals have a baby they can't make another until the baby grows up (which takes at least 100 years.)
- Enderman - They are EXACTLY like niggers: they are tall, black, they steal things, they can't swim, and if you look at them, they will freeze. If you look away from them, they will attack you. As soon as you look away from them they teleport and hit you from behind. They drop ender pearls that make them disappear. Throwing enderpearls can make you teleport but in sacrifice for self-harm.
- Spiders - Annoying bug that likes to zerg rush new players and raep their faces at night. Able to climb in unfinished windows and over walls just to jump at your face with bullshit melee until it can t-bag your corpse. Does not burn in sunlight unlike undead mobs, so no time of the day is safe from them. Variations include Spider Jockies and Cave Spiders. Spider Jockies are spiders with skeletons riding them, and Cave Spiders are spiders that poison you which takes you down to HALF A HEART. You can get string for these guys to make bows and fishing rods. You can also get Spider Eyes to make potions with.
- Iron Golem - These lumbering hunks of shit are possibly the coolest mob in the game (Possibly second coolest now, due to recent additions) mainly because they toss niggers 100 feet in the air and have 100 HP.
- Wolf - Because Notch wanted to cater to furries. If you hit one of these animals, they will rip the shit out of you. If you give them bones, hearts will fly everywhere. Now the dog will follow you and attack anything you hit.
- Bee - It's hip to fuck bees. Because Minecraft has to make insects fucking huge, we have this thing, which goes around sucking flowers and making honey. If you hit it, it will attempt to sting you, which if done, will make it die in about 20 seconds.
- Dolphin - Dolphins live in the water, and give you a speed boost. Couldn't add the feature of riding them because of animal cruelty.
- Llama - Mountain Horses that will spit at you if you hit them, also pwn the shit out of wolves, so don't bring your dog near them.
- Piglin - The replacement for Zombie Pigmen, or rather a new addition on top of replacing them. They're automatically aggressive unless you wear gold armor, but if you hit them, every single one in the area will come to fuck you up. They come in 3 variants, the normal ones, which use swords, the Brutes, which use axes, and are automatically aggressive even with armor, and the ranged variant, which uses a crossbow. You can throw gold at them to acquire materials, and they also hunt Hoglins. Also have a zombified variant.
- Panda - Useless hunks of shit that hang around in bamboo areas. Have about as much useage as the IRL variant.
- Polar Bear - Now these are the real things, Polar Bears spawn in Icy biomes and will fuck you up if you hit them, just like their IRL counterparts.
- Zombie/Drowned/Husk - Once they were the easiest mobs to kill, but as of Minecraft 1.6, Mojang decided to make it so that if you go out for a stroll in the night time, you'll find yourself getting raped in the arse by over 9000 zombies. Now they're the most overpowered mob in the game. Now there are 2 extra varients, with the Husk spawining in deserts and being immune to burning, and Drowned, which is what happens when you try to drown a zombie, and naturally spawning ones can spawn with tridents to pwn you and your boat.
- Baby Zombies - The lovechilds of the already overpowered green niggers. They're faster and for some reason have as much health as a normal zombie. Also, they can ride on chickens.
- Skeleton/Stray - One of the most annoying features of the game. It just sits in a dark corner spamming arrows at you until you die, and if you approach it, it will move away and side to side to make it harder to hit/dodge. Drops arrows and bones. Strays are the same but their arrows make you glow.
- Creeper - The ultimate trolls of the game. They pick the moment when you just found your first diamond or two. When come near you, they hiss and explode and rape the shit out of anything near it. This causes major butthurt for the player. You can get gunpowder from them to make TNT. Also, they can get struck by lightning and that makes them have a wider blast radius for even moar rape.
- Slime - They live deep underground. If you kill one, they split into at least 100 more smaller ones. You can get slime balls from them and make
nothing but sticky pistonsas of 1.8 you can now make useless fucking slime blocks.
- Witch - Lives in shit stained tree houses in the swamps. Will throw potions at you until you become crippled.
- Silverfish/Endermite - If you mine the wrong block of stone in a cave, little hairy pricks come out and rape you. But then they wake up their buddies to rape even MOAR shit! Endermites aren't as bad, for they only spawn when you throw an ender pearl.
- Pillager/Evoker/Vindicator - Aggresive variants on Villagers that mainly live in Woodland Mansions, and also incite raids against villagers. Pillagers are the default type, Vindicators are like Pillagers, but they use an axe, and if renamed Johnny, will kill everything. And finally, the most useful version, Evokers, which spawn little bat shits known as Vex, and upon death, drop a totem of undying, which will save you from dying after falling off of a bridge you made.
- Phantom - A flying mob chosen in a vote that spawns if you haven't slept in 3 days. It doesn't do jack shit unless you're high up, in which case it will knock you off.
- Ravager - Huge cow like war beast that has the face of a villager, and has plenty of health to boot. Spawns mainly in the Pillage event.
- Guardian - Added in 1.8, these originally named oversized pufferfish come in two varieties, normal and Elder. Attacks include hitting you with dildos that grow from their bodies while swimming towards you to commence literal rape, and 360 no-scope sniper lazor l33t beams that come out of the eye of the penis, er, I mean, eye of the Guardian.
- Warden - Currently unimplemented, but planned to be added
within the coming monthsthis Winter. The Warden may take the cake for the most unsettling mob in the game (as unsettling as this game can allow), and possibly the coolest one. It's described as being fully blind, but can detect the player when they move. Can be distracted with projectiles, but it can also detect when you're invisible, and if you piss it off enough, it will chase the player regardless of other sounds. It also hits like a motherfucker, able to kill players even wearing Netherite in 2 hits, and is at least as fast as the player's walking speed, and may be knockback resistant. To top it all off, it's described as having a way to deal with pillaring up, so you can't cheese it like an Iron Golem.
- Hoglin/Zombified Hoglin - What happens when a Piglin Brute takes too many steroids. This massive beast spawns in the forests of the nether, and has the power of knocking you off the cliffs into massive pools of lava.
- Ghast - Huge flying, white squid ghost things that also live in the nether. Makes creepy baby noises and fires flaming meteors at you. The only two ways to kill them is by spamming arrows at them or reflecting the meteors back at them with your sword. You can get gunpowder and ghast tears from them but they always end up in lava anyway.
- Magma Cube - Notch thought it would be a good idea to re-texture the slimes. They appear in the Nether and like to dismantle themselves. Like most mobs, they're fucking useless.
- Blaze - They appear in Nether fortresses and catch fire to themselves before firing flaming meteors at you. These yellow flying pricks drop blaze rods which are essential for bonus pleasure points that add to your score at the end.future uses.
- Wither Skeleton - The niggerfied version of the skeleton which happens to be taller and appears in the nether. Killing them will drop coal, bones, a sword, or a skull.
- Wither - Once built with soul sand (shaped in a "T") and 3 wither skulls on top, you will summon a flying monster designed to clusterfuck anything and everything on the ground. And best of all,
it is close to impossible to kill it on survivalIt's fairly easy to kill if you actually played the game long enough to get a fuckton of anvils to drop on it after it spawns, give it cannon fodder to attack while raping it in the back, or exploiting Notch's lack of maths to suffocate it to where the player needs to cock-slap it once to kill it. Drops a nether star on death and can be used of a shitty beacon that ups a few abilities within it's radius. PROTIP: Find a non-protected server and summon the Wither right next to a 13-year-old's house for teh lulz.
- Shulker - It looks like a normal block, but then opens up to reveal a clitoris head with beady eyes that shoots stuff that makes you float. Has utility in allowing you to float to the top of the structures.
- Enderdragon - Big ass dragon in The End. Swoops down to rape your shit all the time until you get off your ass and kill it by firing over 9000 arrows up its ass.
Please note that "planned" means "we'll say stuff to make you happy" in minecraft-dev-language and that the minecraft jew-devs are actually doing nothing more than fapping to MILF porn.
- Red Dragon - These mobs have been confirmed and will be the second asshole dragon to be in the game. They'll supposedly be more peaceful and they'll have lairs in cliffs. That being said, they'll still probably be able to rip you to shreds. Recent update has confirmed that these won't be appearing any time soon, if at all. Were over hyped by a click baiting jew called FireRockerzstudios.
- Jayden (no, not that nigger retard son of Will smith, but a fat dick that no one likes and follows you around everywhere until he gets pissed at you. Also he will go on about "trolling" and thinks he is good at it.
- Zombie Pigman - They appeared in the Nether or from a pig being struck by lightning (there's at least 100 percent chance that this would never happen). If you hit them, they used their golden swords to decapitate you. You get rotten meat and golden nuggets from them. They function like niggers: they spawn in groups, and if you hurt one, the whole group will come after you.
- Giant - Giants are giant mobs that do absolute shit and can't even break blocks. They have been partially removed from the game but their coding is still there, mainly so that hackers can spawn them on your game and scare the shit out of you, and/or because Notch is so fucking fat and lazy that he can't reach the backspace key.
- Human - Humans were only in
Classic(they were removed in classic you fuckwit) and they did nothing except run around like fucking retards. They had no use. Seriously. Later on, they were removed again near the end of beta. Before then, they would run around aimlessly, fucking up your shit in a similar manner to zombies.
- Overworld - This is where you start off and live your every day life. Biomes include grass plains, swamps, jungles, snowy lands, deserts, forests and mushroom islands. The stuff you may find underground will be a multitude of structures, which have changed due to the generation of caves, such as massive empty areas in the Deep Dark, mine shafts, caves, tombs, and strongholds which all contain creatures of rape. It's also the only place where day and night happen.
- FuckYou - You decide you don't want to life on this planet any more, build a portal out of obsidian and explore what would happen if WW3 took place. As soon as you enter the nether, you will be raped by Piglins, or Bastions full of Piglin Brutes waiting to pwn you. and cum throwing ghasts, if you don't fall into the deep oceans of lava first. Explore it even more and you will find fortresses with genital warts growing in them, guarded by Blazes and magma cubes.
- The End - You may also find that the strongholds may contain a different portal. Shove a bunch of eyes of the ender into to it for it to open. This world is just a big block of white shit filled with endermen within a skybox that looks like a black tv fuzz. BUT THEN THERE IS A FUCKING HUGE DRAGON YOU HAVE TO KILL BY DESTROYING ITS HEALTH SOURCES AND WHEN IT DIES IT SHITS OUT EXPERIENCES ORBS AND A PORTAL UNDER A DRAGON EGG. Once you jump in, Notch pulls out his troll face and explains in the credits how he made his money from making you buy this shitty game in the first place with two people who take 10 minutes (not long to you) to tell you to get a life. Also now there's stuff outside of the main island, which is basically a massive subset of islands that look like the main island.
- Skylands - This part of minecraft used to only be accessible by modding and generating it with an Indev game. Notch confirmed the Skylands would happen but then later replaced it with The End. It has since been confirmed again.
Weapons and Tools
- Wooden tools - Slow and breaks after 5 uses. Same color as the word that describes it: Shit. Toss this shit in the fire when you finally mine some ores
- Stone tools - Less slow...still shit, but upgraded shit. Thinking of mining the shit out of the undergrowth? this is the best way to use the cobblestone that seems to clusterfuck your inventory at least 100 percent of the entire game.
- Iron tools - Very useful for getting stuff done quickly. PROTIP: Only use iron tools when trying to mine valuable ores. If you break them, you're the one that's gonna have to find more iron.
- Golden tools - Mines faster than you can fap but breaks down in under 5 uses.
- Diamond tools - Since it is so rare, diamond tools are quite fast and last for about 9001 uses. Only obtained by minecraft pros or cheaters.
- Netherite tools - New ore added in 1.16. Spawns only in the nether in very rare patches, and makes stuff that's slightly better than Diamond.
- Pickaxe - Used to obtain underground crap like stone and ores.
- Axe - Used for cutting down trees even though they seem to hover after being cut. Generally useless since you can punch them down (Axes now do more damage than swords, but are slower).
- Shovel - Useful for getting rid of sand, snow, dirt, and gravel but breaks very quickly for raping it too much.
- Hoe - Useless piece of shit if you just want to survive. This rakes grass and soil for planting seeds (near water) like a Greenpeace hippy. Fence your crops off in case something tramples it down back to grass.
- Sword -
Built for blocking attacksRemoved feature, and slicing niggers. In short, you're pretty much fucked if you don't have one of these unless you find an Jayden.
- Bow - Fires arrows that reach the distant lands if you charge your shots long enough. Built for no-scoping codfags who are too much of a pussy to get out of their bases and fight the bitches themselves. Well...either that or they don't need exp or loot. All though it can kill anything flying or walking across the map, it does run out of uses and needs arrows in order to fire it.
- Shield - Replaces the sword blocking feature, can't block crits.
- Torches - Fairly useful when you can't see for shit at night or underground and stops mobs from spawning near you. It is also good to place torches around your house so you don't get lost (or write down the coordinates using the F3 function) even though nobody knows how to use it.
- Bucket - Made of iron to pick up water and lava. PROTIP: Get on a survival server filled with 13 year old boys and pour lava over their houses for maximum lulz.
- Flint and steel - A troll's best friend. It lights shit on fire! Find a non-protected area in a server. Go to the nearest house made out of wood (if someone is that retarded to do such a thing). BURN IT and run like fuck. Extreme butthurt will occur.
- TNT - A troll's second best friend. Takes a fuck load of creeper killing but it's worth it in the end. Like the 'flint and steel', it can rape anybody's house even if it isn't made of wood (unless it's made of obsidian). Place it, apply a redstone current to it or set it on fire, and run like fuck from the explosion! This is considered to be the ultimate lulz generator in the entire game since it can also crash the entire server if you explode enough of them.
- Classic - One of the two free versions of the game; affords the player over 9000 generic blocks with which they can construct genitalia of all shapes and sizes whilst free-roaming the pathetically minuscule world.
- Creative - Works exactly like Classic except the player has the ability to fly, mobs can't rape you and you won't ever die... unless you're fucking retarded and manage to dig through the bottom of the map.
- Survival - The only mode anybody plays. You assume the character of Bear Grylls struggling to survive whilst building big blocky penises, only this time you have to EARN the blocks you use and produce stupid weapons to keep creepers from molesting not only you but your gay house. Bonus blocks are not awarded for urine consumption.
- Hardcore - The same as Survival except you don't respawn so if you die you're screwed; some argue that this is an attempt by Mojang to whip some lusers into reality. PROTIP: Kill admin on a Hardcore servers for instant lulz.
- Demo - Also the same as Survival however it's free; it lasts for five in-game day cycles... which are around five minutes long IRL. Played by people too cheap to buy the game or too dumb to pirate it.
- Adventure - A fantastically useless mode that works exactly like Survival except that you can't break blocks without the correct tools.
or build dicks.(Notch was sick of the BAWWING and allows it now) Completely worthless and utilised only by dedicated autists in the formation of poorly designed obstacle courses.
- Capture the Flag - This a planned game mode that Notch is too fucking lazy to update, not that he needs to since the united basement dwellers of the world have made this shit in at least 100 different ways via server mods..
- Player Skins - Allows you to change your appearance in the game to be a furfag or trap, which is pretty much useless unless you either play multiplayer a lot or are lame enough to play in 3rd-person mode.
- Custom Maps & Servers - Shitty adventure maps that are usually complete shit and/or have very poor storylines.
- Mods - Mods are basically just shitty add-ons to the game made by people with nothing better to do with their lives. Most mods are extremely poorly made, cause extreme lag or memory consumption, and crash your game 99% of the time.
—everyone on the minecraft forums
Griefing is discouraged in Minecraft. But in actuality, it's not griefing, it's raiding, or provoking a thirteen year old faggot into raging until his balls drop. However, the autistic kids who play Minecraft believe that someone going around setting fire to everything is griefing, and that only good people exist in the universe. Protip: doing this IRL isn't griefing, it's called arson and will get you v&. However, if you somehow gain access to spawning TNT in a server, the following is the best course of action:
Many PVP servers have asspie admins who put in plugins that ruin the server by disabling fire and explosions. Doing so completely removes the possibility of going to the Nether as well as burning down shitty wooden houses other people made, blowing them up, and TNT mining, but they do this because "explozins and fir r gey".
Alternatively, some people in Minecraft claim to be "hackers" if they are able to DDOS someone with a $5 booter they bought with their Mom's credit card. If you're one of those motherfucking pussies that believes that everyone in Minecraft can hack you, please do an hero.
Fortunately, not every Minecraft server is so gay as to prevent griefing; some anarchy servers like 2B2T actually allow---if not encourage---its users to grief other players. Though, to be honest, most of these anarchy servers are gay in their own way; some "anarchy" servers like SimPVP will ban "hackers", while others have other shitty gayass arbitrary restrictions. Avoid them like the plague.
And if this game isn't shitastic enough as it is, they had to port it onto seven other consoles!
- Heckx Bawx Three-seisty- This port plays similar to the online version, except you're world is as small as your chances of getting laid. This time, Notch actually got his shit together and actually coded this autism magnet and doesn't crash every 10 minutes. The downside was that Notch turned into a greedy Jew and started to charge for basic shit that was a free update in previous versions. There was also a temporary feature added for EDiots that allowed a user to freeze the server host's console by throwing an Ender Pearl and disconnecting before it hit anything. Best used after the completion of a long project before auto save activates.
- Android/iOS- You gotta be kidding me! Yup, Notch thought he didn't have enough money to fill his fat folds and had to port it again, but this time to a FUCKING PHONE/TABLET/iPOD!!!
The in-game world is as small as a petri dish, shitty lighting, and the world has fog everywhere! Sound familiar? Also the game controls like shit and has no fun value, with no support for game pads and very infrequent updates. For some reason or another, this served as "the basis" for the "new" Windows 10 version. No, seriously.
- Raspberry Pi (Dafuq is that?)- Being the greedy shit he is, Notch made ported it onto yet another system. (The system in question is a shitty $50 computer that you can connect to your TV. It was made mostly for people who are too Jewish to get a real computer.) This version of the game serves the purpose of turning 30-year-old virgins into 30-year-old Bill Gates wannabees.
- Microsoft's New Xbox With A Dumb Name- This is just a follow up port so 13 year olds don't complain.
This new Xbox edition will feature such improvements as:
- ONE extra player on multiplayer.
- ONE more block added to the x, y, and z coordiates of the worlds.
- More add-ons you have to pay for. (Which means less free content.)
- Notch sucks your cock daily so you'll buy this.
- Gaystation 3/4/Vita- In efforts to steal more money from the poor naive children, Notch and Sony decided it was a great idea to basically just port the same shitty Xbox version to the Ps3. This attracted massive amounts of idiots who haven't realised it's the same shit every time.
- Windows 10 - To try to steal the spotlight from Microsoft giving away a freemium operating system to trick old people into spending $10 on Solitaire, Mojang decided to "release" a "new" version of the game for free. The game, due to being on Windows and not wasting any time with shitty hipster operating systems or OS's for people too neckbeardy to play Minecraft anyway, can be downloaded once and played on most Microsoft devices running Windows 10. It's also written in C++, meaning that it doesn't run like balls and drains your battery empty for 2 hours of gameplay, much to the displeasure of several modding skiddies that think learning Java in CSIII has no real purpose anymore (they're right of course). AKA, it's everything that Notch should have taken 5 minutes to do years ago instead of swimming around in pig grease and signing silencing rights with Lego.
- Wii U - Being the genius businessmen they are, Mojang decided to release Minecraft on a console that nobody owns, while charging 150% of the price of the other console versions, and promising to release all the patches much later than all the other versions.
- Nintendo 3DS - Somehow, Mojang managed to sneak past Nintendo's stringent rules in the same manner as shady game devs do, and pumped out the shittiest port yet into the 3DS eStore. It's so poorly optimised that it can only work on the New 3DS, and even then it still runs extremely slowly.
Because the original concept of Minecraft being a dream sucked so hard. Mojang collab'd with Telltale games to make a sort of sequel involving the Wither and "the old builders".
- Episodes 1 to 4 - A guy finds a command block, whose existence in a survival map is never explained, and uses it to become God with his four friends. One of them pulls a Judas and uses the command block to make a "Wither Storm", threatening the world as we know it; and it's up to some treehouse-dwelling noobs who were there at the time to stop it.
- Episode 5 - The protagonist and some of his friends hunt for a magic chicken.
- Episode 6 - The protagonist and those same friends trap Big Red in a pit and leave her to starve to death, doing the world a massive favour.
- Episode 7 - The protag's group find Unity and kill it before it lays eggs in other worlds.
- Episode 8 - Everyone gets enslaved.
Spoiler Alert: The Protagonist wins.
For those who love the rush of receiving Minecraft's achievements, Minecraft Dungeons now provides the player with a dungeon crawler a la Diablo II, complete with a massive chain of quests and side quests, politically correct graphics with player characters sporting varying degrees of skin colors, genders, and clothing selections, and plans to uncover even more areas via DLC. Minecraft Dungeons proves once more that Mojang still hasn't come up with anything original, but to this day prefers to sail across the frozen sea to pillage their neighbors to the south for a living. It is also important to remember that Mojang is now just Microsoft's bottom bitch, and to maintain its status as such was finally told that porting a game to oblivion can only fake its playerbase into buying the same piece of shit again and again so many times before it wises up.
As stated before, the fatass behind Minecraft is no other than Notch, a Swedish Gabe Newell clone who tries as hard as possible to piss off everyone around him without being caught. Over the years he has developed an unmatched ego and he now thinks he's the center of the internet world and everything revolves around him and his half-ass game. Notch frequently disguises his awful narcissism using cute smiley faces like ":-)" and "<3" at the end of his blog posts, as well as shitty jokes no better than his game. This ultra-ego finally surfaced during the huge Minecon 2011 flop and the Yogscast drama aftershock. Not the mention he said he liked cats, and sometime afterwords admitted he was part of the furry fandom. In fact, he is not only a filthy furry degenerate, but he is also a neckbeard (((atheist))) and a Brony.
Notch's Tumblr is essentially Notch's blog for the game. It used to be a breeding ground for all sorts of Minecraft fanboyism and autism, before Notch finally got his shit together and disabled the comments on his blog (only to have all the faggotry flow to the Minecraft Forums). The idiots who commented there were very easy to troll and used to white knight Notch in the hope of getting a free account or whatever, but failing to do so since their actions consisted of nothing more than omg hi notch i made a site and it has a review its at (Insert Shitty Site Name) plz sign up!!11
—Just one of Notch's fine examples of laziness.
Notch's Tumblr, like all Tumblr blogs, consists mostly of shit nobody gives a fuck about. It used to be filled with news about Minecraft's development progress (back when there was still any progress to report), but as the months flew by and the fanbase grew to a ridiculous size for such a crappy game the place got littered with posts of Notch praising himself and talking about how he loves playing video games.
This is where Notch tells everyone about shitty updates he's adding, chats to Jeb about when they're going to have buttsecks together, and what he's eating. He also tells about what videogames he's playing and how he's procrastinating when he's supposed to be working on gaycraft.
Recently, Notch replied to a
buttsex request challenge demand from a brony, and came out of the brony closet: https://twitter.com/#!/notch/status/160076467559071744
—Notch, telling us about his interesting life.
Notch and Judaism
As time goes by, more and more evidence piles up in favor of Notch being a kike. If it wasn't obvious from his fat, bald Jewhead, Notch keeps proving to everyone that he's in it just for the money. At first he turned Minecraft into a paid game, and he then increased the price (twice!) in order to squeeze out more cash. In addition to that, Notch claims that anyone who bought Minecraft after the 20th of December, 2010 will have to pay for some future updates and expansions unlike the high elite who bought the game during its Alpha stage. Denying these beta-ordering faggots free updates will increase the size of egos in autists who bought the game beforehand. At this point, it's obvious that Notch included this feature to help alpha-fags get better hung than others.
The Minecraft community is a prime example of stagnation and faggotry taking over a nice place. What started out as a small group of gamers who simply enjoyed a small indie game turned out to be one of the world's most repulsive shitholes in the history of the internet. The community is so overflown with faggots, self-importance, sexually-repressed fanboys and autism, it's virtually impossible to find even a single shred of lulz or faith in mankind in the misery mire that is the Minecraft forums.
Minecraft's Forums is the core of the Minecraft community, and therefor it is the most disgusting part of it. The forums contain the biggest shitpile of drama ever seen for at least 100 years. Drama ranging from oldfags being chased off by illiterate newfag Muslims to Alchohol fueled genital photography. Filled with asspies and moderator brown-nosing, the dramafest never ends whilst mouth-foaming aspies try to defend themselves from hundreds of other mouth-foaming aspies.
Some veterans may argue that things were much better before Minecraft became popular, and before the furfag attack began. This argument is supported by the fact that most, if not all the original players left the forum years ago. Today it's essentially walking into hell - furfag degenerates with over 9,000 posts bragging about their ED edits and getting banned, for calling out other furfags. Because of how butthurt the administration is, there are now laws that saying anything negative about furries, pedophiles, necrophiles, black people or white people will result in a ban. This may be due to the fact that the administration team is 100% diverse, and are more open about it then people who put the word "retard" in their fucking name.
The modding section of the site is where most of the drama happens. Filled with angst, constant complaining, mods which crash the game, devs filled to the brim with Unwarranted Self-Importance, and more AdFly links than stars in the sky, this is the festering stretched out asshole of the forums. Much drama can be found here, as regular users demand mod developers to add pointless features or design mods specifically to their liking and end up complaining if something they want is not added. The mod developers themselves usually end up ignoring any bugs which come up in their mods, and many don't even bother trying to update them in any way. Shockingly, there are low amount of furries in this section, probably because they tend to inhabit other sections about who can make the worst looking wolfdogcatdragonponyunicorn skin for their characters that they will never see because minecraft is played in first person. There's also the texture packs subforum, which mostly consist of these 4 types of texture packs:
- A slightly modified version of the default (i.e.: they upscaled the default terrain.png via nearest neighbor to a very high resolution and slapped a Photoshop filter on it)
- "Simple" texture packs, which are either the default textures reduced to less than 10 colors, or make it so that everything is a solid block.
- "Photorealistic" texture packs, which are usually high-resolution and comprised of stolen Google image searches. They look mostly like shit because of the game's blocky nature.
- A half-assed tribute to another, usually much better video game's graphic style.
Texture pack resolutions can go from 1x to 1024x. Everything between 32x and 256x looks like shit because of the pixels being too big for any fine texturing, yet too small for minimalism. Unless you have a computer with its price in the five digits, you will not be able to run a texture pack on the higher end of the spectrum, despite 1024x usually being able to run on a Nintendo Wii, with most modern games having textures almost 8 times as large. The texture pack community started out as a pretty cool community, mostly because of the curiosity surrounding how high texture pack resolutions could go. But like all things related to Minecraft, it too went downhill, mostly due to thieves and a terrible good:shit ratio.
Most of the time spent by mod developers is dedicated to arguing with other developers over who is stealing who's stuff, and trying to protect any bit of their work in an autistic game of who downloads who's mod the most. Instead of fixing bugs or trying to co-operate with other devs to make better mods or making it easier for others to make them, they instead put effort into making sure their mods are as incompatible as possible with the mods of other developers. So in the end nothing ever ends up getting done, as the crab mentality of the entire community guarantees that it will remain the shithole it is, because the developers will continue to spite and drag each other down instead of trying to better themselves and the community.
/r/Minecraft is the fastest-growing Minecraft-related fan circlejerk and another prime beacon of faggotry and a small inner-circle inside the big liberal and 'intellectual' blob that is Reddit (AKA a "subreddit"). While /r/Minecraft isn't occupied by furries and underage boys, it is full of the next worst type of fans: Overweight, 25+ year old basement dwelling manchildren and social freaks who live off their parents' disapproving looks.
/r/Minecraft is perhaps best known for being the lurking ground of the game developers, Notch and Jeb. Although most Mojang employees only post something once in a blue moon, many of the miserable losers who surf there see it as a soap box, from which they can order the developers around using "suggestions" and "ideas".
Whenever they're not presenting any "humble suggestions", most fags on /r/Minecraft spend their days participating in a horrible fan circlejerk. This involves posting pictures of themselves wearing Minecraft costumes, baking Minecraft-themed cakes and buying overpriced Minecraft merchandise all in an attempt to earn as much digital points (called "karma") as possible. If you enter /r/Minecraft more than once you might notice how repetitive the top threads tend to get; that's because the local hivemind only upvotes the same handful of post types, and nothing else.
In terms of drama, /r/Minecraft is quite dull. Even the most lulzy of events there are simply reflections of much larger flamewars (e.g. the Yogscast flop). It is worth visiting only for the sake of research and study; holding such a fine array of manchildren and leeches on society.
—Quatroking, banning anyone on IRC for making remarks about autism
The Minepedia is Minecraft's community-run Wiki. It is run by Quatroking, a known aspergic and sufferer of USI, also a known newfag. There are a bunch of Wikipedos monitoring the site too, assuming they are "a vandal fighter, and sock hunter on wikipedia". The Minepedia normally gets trolled by /v/ every friday during an update, tricking the autistics into thinking cars/dragons/whatever was added to the game.
There are actually two Minepedias. This one supports the lulz.
—Quatroking before he got popular
Quatroking feels himself to be 1337 in every way, starting with having his own article on Minepedia whilst saying no vanity articles are allowed. This article is under a constant edit war due to the fanbase denying Quatroking being of any significance at all. He finally caved in after realizing he is unimportant and actually contributed nothing at all to the game.
After finally getting OPs for sucking a lot of furry cock, Quatroking bans people from #minecraft for dissing autism due to himself being autistic. However, Quatroking doesn't actually know how IRC works, it seems:
Also, he's so hated by the community itself, his title was once changed from "Wiki Admin" to "Dick" on the official Minecraft forum.
The Aspergite drama
In July 2010, /v/ decided to fuck with the asspie admins of Minepedia. Because one of the items Notch added to the game originally had no name, players had to come up with their own name. /v/ called this new item Aspergite. Fitting for the game, amirite?
/v/ soon created the article for Aspergite. It was honestly very lulzy and for the time in which it existed made the Wiki worth going to. However, as this article came into view of the admins, Quatroking got severely butthurt as his disability was mocked. He banned users for arguing on Aspergite's talk page, then had to ban a wide range of users (plus innocent ones as well) then bawwwleted the article.
After the article's deletion, Anons from /v/ asked Quatroking via his talk page about why the article was removed. He replied saying it was due to trolls.
A page on Aspergium is also archived here. You can use it to effectively troll the autists.
There are two cliques that frequent the Minecraftian community swamp - an army of entitled basement-dwellers who believe the $10EUR they borrowed from mommy to pay for their digital crack gives them the right to dictate the developer's life, and The Notch Defense Force, a collection of underage faggots and asspained autists willing to jump to the defense of Notch's e-peen, and kiss his fat-ass for recognition. When these groups collide, it can create bullshit so massive that it breaks the very fabric of the internet.
Obviously this creates ample trolling possibilities, but members of the community have over-compensated to the point where anyone who simply disagrees with someone's comment is labelled a "troll." Ironically, this hyper-sensitivity makes trolling even easier. Sometimes it seems that even Notch trolls the community, such as when he delayed a "Secret Friday Update" to play Civ 5 instead.
—Notch fanboy, having a wet dream
As said before, channers of the vidya and their estranged goon brethern use Minecraft by hosting servers and occasionally griefing the hell out of other servers. Some of the more popular methods towards succeeding in trolling would be through causing deliberate destruction of other people’s hard work, or flooding or unleashing a deadly torrent of lava. It was thanks to Notch's constant viral advertising on /v/ that 4chan got involved in the first place.
It ruins lives
As you might have noticed (if you've actually read everything written above), the nature of the shitty game, lazy developer and Autistic community all make Minecraft an excellent stage for lots and lots of E-drama (and in some cases even IRL-drama). This section will list all the major conflicts and lulz-spewing trollcanoes.
The Great Multiplayer Code Leak of 2010
Late at night on July the 26th 2010, somebody joined the World of Minecraft Livestream and leaked the invite code "!!Thomas!!" to the Survival Multiplayer testing whilst the faggot who was streaming was giving out clues about the code. 5 minutes later this code found it's way onto /v/.
Quatroking, trying to keep Multiplayer to himself like a Jew and continuing to want to feel important, demanded Notch to shut down the server. Notch responded with a simple "lol no" and kept the server up, even releasing the invite code on his Twitter. Quatroking then tried to cause drama by blaming the code leak on World of Minecraft and Brocraft, then eventually the blame spread to /v/.
The next morning, whilst the server was being raped by autologin scripts, Notch decided to take down the server so he could get some work done. This caused more butthurt as retards blamed it on the fact that everyone had access to the server regardless of Notch publicly inviting everyone.
The Server Mod MCAdmin Drama
—Doridian, fully expressing how pathetic he is
Sometime later, on October the 26th, 2010, a user named Bradster was running his server with this mod when Doridian (the mod's creator) bypassed the whitelist and fagged up the server with his shitty English until the dude banned him. Doridian was butthurt and banned the server owner from his own server and proceeded to chastise him until he got unbanned.
Later the mod was decompiled and it was discovered that the devs Doridian and Intoxicated had added backdoors to give them power to troll the servers of everyone using the mod, and even to globally ban people they don't like from using these servers. The dev began to BAWWW that no one liked him irl and everyone else began to whine that his actions were illegal. Eventually they wrote a dubious disclaimer excusing them of everything and removed the offending code.
tl;dr Doridian is a furry who owns a gay furry group on Steam and a troll who pissed off the masses with his shit mod. Because the Minecraft forums is overrun with furfag moderators, simply saying yiff in hell will result in a ban, so how about you call him to tell him how much you appreciate his work?
Secret Beta Update Drama
On December 21, 2010, Notch moved the game into beta. Along with this, he added capes for his fellow Mojang Employees, and an update he dubbed more rare than this. On the forums, the Minefags tried as hard as they could to find the secret. Many trolls took the opportunity to create hoaxes about what the update was. Many created fake screenshots, saves, or simply lied about what it was. In the end, the Notch told them that he had given a user named Deadmau5 a custom model that gave his character mouse ears. Notch had already posted a screenshot of it prior to the beta release. Deadmau5 had gained this custom model because he had used Minecraft graphics at a rave party.
- Deadmau5's vidya and model.
- Beta details
- Minecraft Forum spergs get butthurt since after contributing nothing to the world they got nothing back! Zomg!1
Receive More Updates
RMU is some sort of Internet Tough faction that DDoSed minecraft.net because there weren't any updates to Minecraft in a certain timeframe, and wanted updates NAO. This ended up in minecraft.net being taken down for a few days whilst a 15-year-old script kiddie was busy LOICing the site to death.
After the Halloween update to Minecraft, RMU continued crying about it saying it wasn't good enough, boasting about how they had 3,000 or whatever members who would help launch a DDoS against Notch. As anything performed by aspies, it failed pretty quickly.
Minecon 2010 was a poorly planned fanboy wankfest taking place in the US shortly after Minecraft got its first spoonful of unwarranted self-importance. About 50 Autistic faggots rounded up to suck Notch's lower body section while wearing "silly" Minecraft costumes.
Minecon 2011, happening roughly a year later, was pretty much the same thing but on a much larger scale. The place was crowded, hot and stuffed to the max with stupidity and fan-cum. Survivors reported seeing endless lines, shitty entertainment and a cluster fuck of shinny colors and sad, underwhelmed people. Some idiots actually payed thousands of dollars between plane tickets, hotel costs and the bloody overpriced entry fee just to get spit in the face by Notch himself.
Yogscast E-Peen Drama
The Yogscast is a group of Minenerds taking it to the extreme. During Minecon 2011, being the epic Minecraft celebrities they are, they got all butthurt and USI and decided that they are the prime alpha males in the particular nerdwank they were taking part in. (Amusingly enough, pretty much none of the shit Notch accused the Yogscast of actually fucking happened, and he later had to apologize for believing the bullshit his Aspie fans were bitching about). Notch took this as a personal attack on his ego, and accused the Yogscast team of being assholes. The Yogscast team replied by calling Notch and Mojang out and finally telling them what a bunch of lazy greedy Jews they are. Notch, now really pissed, summoned his army of fanboys by addressing the issue on his Twitter.
The biggest shitstorm seen in ages was to follow. Each side called the other dicks, then apologized and then called them dicks again. The Minecraft-related Web 2.0 websites were torn to pieces by all the shit, rage and trolls. It is said that the original fight between Notch and Yogscast was barely lulzy enough to keep the flamewars lit for one day, yet the flamewars continued for eight bloody days of constant butthurt. A true Jew miracle.
The entire convention was no more than a way to squeeze out some extra dollars out of the little kids who play the damn game. Notch and his little action team broke a new record in unprofessional party planning by trying to be as Jewish as possible and avoid spending even one unnecessary buck. But don't tell that to their little personal army, for saying even one bad word against the savior of the internet will lead you to an instant ban.
Soon after the convention was over, the more mature parts of the community stood up and revealed its horrors, and the internet, being the internet, wanted someone to point fingers at. The Jews were, as always, the first to blame, but soon enough the Minefags have found a much more satisfying target: No other than the great attention whore MinecraftChick.
MinecraftChick is a gurl gamer, of the most annoying type. Although claiming never to play Minecraft (or any other vidya in her life) she names herself after it BEFORE she plays it "for the first time". Being Notch's personal whore, Mojang have actually hired the ugly landwhale to be paid for doing nothing. No. Seriously. Look it up. MinecraftChick 'works' for Mojang, and her official job title is "Director of Fun" (ain't that something to put on your resume, eh?). If rumors are to be believed, one of the only actually jobs the Mojang Director of Fun ever had to do is to manage and plan the convention, which would explain why it turned out terrible, and might even explain the terrible greediness from Mojang's side. Just one more reason why this monster-whore has to die. Even though "Director of Fun" translates to what most (non-retarded) people call the "Director of Community Relations", all she does is tweet about annoying her co-workers, as well as trashing and blocking people asking for help with community-related matters, 'cause she is nawt a secretary.
Dream Speedrun Controversy
Dream is a YouTuber who recently came to light in the world of drama for his faking of a speedrun of Minecraft, where he modded the game's RNG to allow Piglins to drop the items he needed to be much more likely than the actual odds. As such, the run was removed, but his fans wouldn't have enough, so they decided to go bat shit insane and start making art of him that was, well, not pleasant for the majority. Needless to say, this spiraled out of control, and now we have Dream Stans who violently lash out at anyone who dares bring criticism upon Dream, and Dream taking advantage of that by saying he loves them, so that the void like souls of the stans think that he actually cares about them.
Notch Sells Out
On September 15, 2014, Notch sold Minecraft to Microsoft for $2.5 billion despite saying he would release it as open source when he was done with it. Clearly, the Minecraft IP isn't worth nearly that much, which is why Notch totally didn't do it for the money, as evidenced by the following wall of text.
- Digger Online (Копатель онлайн) - It starts from Russian Facebook (vk), with donates for everything (blocks, armor, weapons). After getting through the Steam Greenlight, It was F2P. People don't like to pay for something good, though, so they starting to sell this shit for $6.99. Even after the Steam release, the game can't into English and is still in Putin tongue-speak. Link
- Minetest - A blatant ripoff that's about as "advanced" as the pocket version. Only played by hardc0re 1337 nerds because it's written in C++, so it doesn't shit all over your CPU just to load the title screen. It's also free, which is way too expensive for the real game. Link
What Will Happen To You If You Play Too Much Minecraft
- Autism - a requirement to play.
- Minecraft Forums
- 2B2T - World famous (aka SEKRIT CLUB) anarchy server and currently world's oldest Minecraft server
- Roblox - which manages to be far better than Meinkampf.
- Ace of Spades - The same thing, but with guns and even shittier graphics.
- Dwarf Fortress - The game that Minecraft wishes it was.
- Play the game but pony up some cash or torrent it for all the excitement.
- Protip: Torrent is right here.
- The offline client which isn't linked to on-site, go beg for passwords.
minepedia.net coverage of the Aspergite drama.- 404. Domain up for sale.
- Hacked (fly/speed) standalone client for Classic servers. (Free site login required.)
- Retard forgets his Minecraft login details. What does he do? Write an entire article about it blaming Notch.
- Best server ever. Too bad you require to be white listed
- Accurate review of Minecraft's shitty Creative mode.
- How the community reacts when someone does an honest review of the game.
|Minecraft is part of a series on Aspies.||[Sperg out]|
|Minecraft is part of a series on MMORPGs.||[Ding!]|
|Featured article December 23 & 24, 2014|
The Great Torrent Raid