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Max Gogarty lives on top of a hill in North London. In between wearing Skinny Jeans and shitting himself, he gets paid by national newspapers to write utter fucking tripe because his dad’s bigger than yours.
Max, a middle-class, spoilt fucker from Londonistan was off to travel Asia for a while. If by “Asia” we mean India and fucking Thailand and if for a while, we mean two whole months. Like any spoilt cunt of a teenager, he wanted to write a blog about it. Unlike any spoilt cunt of a teenager, he somehow landed a blog in an IRL British newspaper to tell us about his emo adventures taking a crap and fighting off snakes in the middle of a city. He now inserts used bloody tampons in his asshole to absorb his liquid shits. He claims they feel good and protect the flow.
What poor Max didn’t realise was that comments were turned on. Within hours, over 9000 well-meaning users of The Guardian’s Comment is Free board had scrambled to the board to register that they were slightly disappointed in the low quality of the article:
— – johnnynashjr, last Thursday
—– No, Lameplanet. It’s not!
Unfortunately for Max and the snakes, Anonymous was present on the board that day and quickly realised that he was the son of a fucking travel writer for the same paper. So began the scouring of Max Gogarty and his shitty arse:
Daddy Comes to the Rescue
Thankfully, the paper took the most logical response to dispel rumours of nepotism. They called in Max's fucking father to shout at everyone. No, rly. He (Username: Er, MaxDad) showed up to defend his son, begging the good people of Comment is Free to leave Max alone: "'Max won't be writing any more blogs, I thought I'd bring all those heroic internet warriors the good news. Max's trip (which he paid for himself I'm afraid - sorry) has got off to the worst possible start and he's feeling pretty grim You may like or dislike the blog, but the cruelty is shocking, if quintessentially British." Lulz.
Then Max's dad took him to a seedy motel and sexually molested him for a few hours.
The People turned to Wikipedia to inform them of the terrible injustice going on at Gogarty Headquarters, for the Jews there would uphold democracy, amirite?
Some argue that the Gogartys petitioned Wikipedia to take down the offending page about Max because it would destroy his burgeoning career. ED has taken up the challenge to record Max’s adventures shitting himself in order to provide him with a back-up career.
The Future - Moar Incontinence
Max has two options: to take the noble route and become an hero or alternatively to keep using daddy’s influence to write mind-numbingly shit articles for a tidy sum. Either option will yield a fair amount of dysentery.
Or maybe, as The Guardian likes to make use of its own people, they will take the advice of one of the Comment is Free trolls:
You can't keep a good man down. You also can't keep down rotten food. We'll leave it to you to decide which of the two applies in this case.
In 2015 it was revealed that Master Gogarty had somehow winkled his way into the orbit of VICE magazine. How on earth did that happen, eh? The editor is baffled. Anyways. He used this connection to act as co-producer on an indy film called 'Chemsex'. This refers to the phenomenon of people (mainly homos) screwing while out of their minds on drugs. The fact that this goes on has only been known by all drugs users, ever, since the dawn of time. But in 2015, the old media suddenly discovered it and went full puritan on everyone's ass, thinking it the most shocking depravity since the last shocking depravity.
Accordingly, Max and his fellow cokehead faggot William Fairman decided there was money in it and made a film. The irony is that the profits from the movie (if there were any) will have gone to fund precisely the thing it was 'exposing'.
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