Legacy of an Asshole
We’ve all met him - that black guy with a chip on his motherfucking shoulder. The guy who is just looking for a way to feel that he's being discriminated against, just so he can bitch. He needs to be the outsider, the pariah, to feel like he is better than everyone else. He's the kind of guy who will traipse around in the ghetto in a suit and wear gang colors to Denny’s at 3 A.M., in both instances simply to provoke a response. Malcolm X was the horrifying prototype for all of these niggers, a man who defined himself by being consistently contrarian.
Malcolm was born in the 1930s, the runt of a litter of ten. He was originally slated to be drowned, but there was a mixup at the plantation, and one of the good pups died instead. Malcolm was actually a very privileged black boy: he had the opportunity to know his father, himself a noted asshole, before he was owned by a streetcar. In the absence of his father, Malcolm felt the need to step up his assholery to fill the void. Needless to say, this behavior eventually drove his mother to distraction, and she was thrown in the looney bin. Of course, Malcolm placed the blame for his parents' deaths squarely on whitey. Malcolm was placed in foster care with white parents who loved, cherished and respected him. In retrospect, this was an awful decision; their respect for his "colored" beliefs allowed his black militantism to grow unchecked. He felt like a dirty conformist, immersed in an environment of sensible spending and decent work ethics, so he needed to do something drastic. He dropped out of school and accused a hard-working teacher of telling him that, "Becoming a lawyer is not a realistic goal for a black person," when what he really said was, "Becoming a lawyer is not a realistic goal for someone with your poor grades."
Anal Sex, Prison, and MooHammed
Storming out on his heartbroken white foster parents, Malcolm needed to wash the cleanliness from his body and soul. He treated his hair with battery acid and took up petty thieving and pimping. For that ultimate rush, he started sleeping with men, and once gave head to a tranny in exchange for rent money in Michigan. To ensure that this article is plagued by nary a trace of ambiguity, let this be paraphrased in the following unequivocal statement:
Eventually, Malcom's negroid ways got him into hot water with the police and he was thrown in jail. To his horror, Malcolm realized that he had again become a conformist - everyone in the joint was a criminal buttfucking homo. More drastic action was called for. He spent many days and many nights deep in thought. What was the opposite of a criminal asspirate nigger, but still not white and middle class, he wondered? Dateline NBC brought him the answer, in the form of a special news report on violence in the middle east. He had a revelation: he was going to become a hardline Islamic extremist. Beaming, Malcolm rose from his chair, fashioned one of those silly hats and outfits out of his bedsheets and pillows and beat upon the bars of his cell screaming, "I am a Muslim. Allahu Ahkbar, I am a Muslim!" Then the prison guards grabbed him, beat him to the floor and raped him.
Editor’s Note: The anthropology department of the University of Dramatica would like to take a moment to proclaim Malcolm X as proof positive of the inferiority of black genetics. He was taken out of a black home at an early age and raised by whites, which Civil Rights liberals would have you believe would make him essentially white. Instead, he ended up in jail. Long story short: you can take the nigger out of the ghetto, but not the ghetto out of the nigger.
As he exited prison, Malcolm, who changed his name to Malcolm Hussein Obama, began the best period of his life. As a straight-laced, pork-abstaining, segregation-defying Muslim, he could simultaneously offend both the black and white communities. In an effort to ensure non-conformity with other black civil rights groups at the time, Malcolm espoused belief not in a racially integrated America, but a totally separate country for a special minority in the middle of an established country that they clearly deserved in reparation for all the persecution that they had suffered. He also met a wonderful man named Elijah Muhammed, with whom he had much gay sex. For the first time in a long time, Malcolm felt love because he was universally hated.
As he preached his increasingly violent racist rhetoric, Malcolm began to hear labels applied to him. Labels that drove nails into his soul every time they we uttered. Leader. Visionary. Pillar of the Black Community. Despite his best efforts, Malcolm was once again popular. In private, he tore out clumps of his hair in frustration (surprisingly easy to do, given his battery acid abuse), gnashed his teeth and stamped his feet. He was well and truly stumped. What could he do? What was there LEFT in the world that he could aspire to that had not already been seen? Once again, Dateline NBC was an angel of fire and hashish sent from Allah. He saw unrest in the middle east, war, bombings and insurgencies with the CIA’s fingerprints all over everything. He would give the world something they had never seen before: a peaceful Muslim.
Leaving the Nation of Islam, he went on hajj and changed his name to Malcolm X in case he wanted to have a career in porn later. He greeted increasingly nervous passers-by with smiles and blessings. Returning to the United States, he scheduled a speech to promote his new peaceful philosophy. As he gave this speech, Malcolm smiled when he saw angry black men approaching the stage, basking in the renewed hatred he had inspired. As the men drew guns, the smile changed to an expression that only that tranny back in the Michigan boarding house had seen before. He was shot to pieces, and by being slain by black-on-black gun violence, he committed an act of conformity that would have horrified him had he known of it.
After his death, Malcolm X was considered a martyr by many in the black community. Present-day black celebrities who are too stupid to read all of his violent hate speech and accounts of his homosexuality hold him up as a symbol, like those douches who wear Che Guevara T-shirts. Ironically, by heaping love and respect on his memory, they are spitting on everything he had ever worked for.
- When he was younger, he was thought of as his elementary school class's official mascot. Kind of like the class hamster.
- According to Malcolm, the perfect age for a man's bride is half his age, plus seven years. It should be noted that Muhammad himself was waaay off on this one.
- When he was younger, Malcolm preferred the white wiminz. It's all in his autobiography.
- Malcolm X is often confused with Reverend X; the difference is subtle. While both are trolls, Reverend X is actually funny.
- It has been argued that Malcolm X is one of the first examples of Nigra warriors in history. Like modern-day nigras, he campaigned for the abolishment of White Supremacy (to be replaced with Black Supremacy), and, unlike some other pansy-ass bitches, was actually willing to fight for the advancement of his race.
- Just in case you didn't get it, HE WAS GAY.
- Where is your X now?
- X is not your personal army
- In before X
- Martin Luther King
- Black Supremacy
- Carlos Latuff - One of his biggest fans
- Yuri Kochiyama
Malcolm X is apart of an ongoing series on