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    Lindsay Lohan

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    File:Lohan knife.jpg
    Lindsay loves the pussy.
    File:Lindsaylohantan.JPG
    Lindsay Lohan, after stealing the world's supply of fake tanning solution.
    Hohan is known for her classy self-respect.

    Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan, also known as lilo, lezzlo, lolhan, Hohan, Blowhan, Frankie Muniz, or milkaholic is a crack whore who "uses boys for drugs and girls for thrills". She was originally famous as a child star but now only stars in shitty movies, makes shitty music, whores herself out for shitty drugs, and is an international superstar, the reasons for which are so obvious that I can't tell you what they are. Her biggest film is a home movie showing she can queef on demand to make a flamethrower.

    Presently, her only claim to fame is that she's a carpet munching lesbian and Perez Hilton is obsessed with outing her to the point of self-effacing homophobic insanity. However, her girlfriend Samantha Ronson has a penis and a face like a horse so Lindsay might technically be a bisexual and zoophiliac.

    Due to her rampant drunkenness, for a time she had to appear in all movies and photo shoots with an ankle bracelet, observe its boxy beauty in these photos. In her golden raspberry award winning movie, I Know Who Killed Me, better know as "Dude, Where's My Arm?", the innovative/retarded production crew changed the script so Hohan's character had one of her legs missing and they could photoshop that ankle bracelet out.

    Still, she is million times less stupid than just as stupid as Paris Hilton

    Lesbian History X

    Lohan was born to Ohbutyouwillpet and after winning a bunch of child beauty pageants (and getting raped in the ass when she lost them), was signed on to do The Parent Crap, a porn film about incestuous coprophilia.

    In 2005, Lohan expressed concern that she was not being taken seriously as an actress, even after her dramatic and moving turn in the challenging role of a high school student, in such prestigious pictures as Herbie: Fully Loaded and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.

    In 2006, while not filming Georgia Rule Lohan decided to substitute being taken seriously as an actress, for being taken seriously in the mouth.

    Hohan made movies for a number of years until she began prostituting herself to fuel her crack cocaine habit. After constantly seeing the worst of men in her underage face she turned gay and became addicted to drugs and alcohol to try and forget her shitty childhood. Her mother still seems to think child stardom is a great idea though and has begun whoring out her younger daughter Ally. I wish I had a cool mom like that.

    Filmography

    • Machete (2010)
    • American Bukkake 56: Black Men Cum Nigg...er,...Bigger (2009) Rumored
    • I Know Who Raeped Me (2007)
    • Georgia Blowjob (2006)
    • Untitled Straight To DVD Crappy Disney Remake 2
    • Untitled Crappy Disney Remake (2005)
    • Herbie Goes Straight to Video (2005)
    • Mean Girl-on-Girl (2004)
    • Somewhat Funny Teen Comedy, but Not Because of Her Presence (2004)
    • Confessions of a Hot-White-Jailbait-Ass (2004)
    • Freaky Fire Crotch (2003)
    • The Parent Crap (1998)

    Lilo and Snatch

    Firecrotch recently began cunt-crunching DJ SaMANtha Ronson, a 31-year-old warlock who has discovered the fountain of youth. The two originally admitted to dating but then shit themselves and took it back so Lezzlo could stay in the tabloids and keep her what little fame she has left lingering on. Wikipedia still denies this like the whiny bitches they are.

    A reliable but anonymous person mentioned that when no one's looking, Lohan plays the submissive housewife and Ronson is the very dominating husband. They have also said... just fuck it, go buy a random celebrity magazine or visit a random tabloid website and read about their lesbian relationship. Every-single-one of them are talking about it!

    • On April 6th, Lindsay Lohan said that she would take a break from seeing SaMANtha Ronson, this was probably caused by the preview footage of the Eminem music video "We Made You" bashing them both alongside with other idiots.

    Celebrity Bashing at it's best.

    Quotes

       
     
    Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die. ... I want to marry you and have children with you...
     

     
     

    —Lindsay Lohan MySpace message to her lesbian girlfriend Sam Ronson, which shows she doesn't understand human biology

    Lohan on teh Internets

    File:Icame.jpg
    Pedophiles were immediately drawn to Hohan's talent.

    Lohan is, today, known for her boob shots and pictures plz. All over the internets, people like to see if her underage boobies ever popped out in "Freaky Friday" instead of focusing on real things, such as whether that was actually her boob in the pictures from that party. Lindsay is a computer luser who loves to spend time trolling something awful on her dell. Lindsay Hohan likes to think she has nice TITS but she doesn't.

    Since it's only pedophiles and other 16 year old girls that like her, saying that Lohan sucks is more than enough to get any luser riled up.

    Recently, Lohan had some pictures posted that appear to indicate that, following her Disney film "Herbie Does Duluth," she had a fit of thinspiration and entered a competition with the Olsen Twins to see who could have more ribs show. While Lohan was arguably hot before her pro-ana career move, now she just looks like a crack whore.

    Precipitated World Wide Web War II which began on or around January 7th 2006 between Ytmnd and Ebaumsworld.

    She recently became the subject of the 4chan meme I came. It features a picture of her from the movie The Parent Trap looking quite satisfied with the caption I came photoshopped on it. It is notable that Lohan was still a child when this movie was filmed which officially makes her jailbait.

    Also recently has had several personal emails [1] [2] leaked to the internets, revealing her Shakespearean grasp of the English language. Apparently, she is part of a newly-formed lobby to change the spelling of 'adequate' to 'adequite.'

    Crack Head Hijinks

    being famous IRL is tuff

    Lindsay's former keeper says he quit watching after the starlet, because it was too dangerous! "I have looked after some of the wildest stars in Hollywood — but never anyone as out of control as Lindsay is," says Lohan's former guard Lee Weaver. Weaver told the News of the World website that Lindsay went on some serious drug binges and even hooked up with other girls on a regular basis! Weaver, 48, tells how the then-20-year-old Mean Girls star:

    • ATTACKED a gun-wielding cocaine dealer for ripping her off.
    • SNORTED line after line with Simple Life star Nicole Richie in a TEN-HOUR binge.
    • SLASHED her wrists with knives, sobbing that she "didn't belong on this planet".
    • ENJOYED frenzied lesbian romps with scores of girls she picked up at parties — and even made a play for chart star Mariah Carey.

    "She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I've met," Weaver told the website. "I lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing and had to carry her out of parties. Every morning I'd breathe a sigh of relief she was still alive."

    Lee also says that Lindsay would do anything to get her hands on cocaine when she wanted it even if it meant putting her life in danger. Here's one story that Weaver tells about Lindsay's crazy coke escapades.

       
     
    Nobody was as wild as Lindsay, but Nicole came close. Sometimes Paris Hilton would be there but the most I saw her do was drink and strip.
     

     
     

    —Lee Weaver

       
     
    She used boys for drugs and girls for thrills...I lost count of the women she took back to her hotel room from clubs. I even saw her try to grope Mariah Carey's bottom and boobs one night as they danced. One time I went to look for her in a club bathroom and found her in the corner French-kissing a girl.
     

     
     

    —Lee Weaver

       
     
    I desperately hope she stops doing drugs but I fear that will only happen when either she kills someone else with her reckless ways — or kills herself.
     

     
     

    —Lee Weaver

    Latest Dramas

    File:Lindsay-lohan-fingernails-fu.jpg
    I wonder if she cut her coke with such dirty nails?
    File:DWI-SCRAM-ankle-alcohol-monitor-796818.jpg
    Lindsay's fancy new ankle bracelet
    File:Lindsay-lohan-strung-out.jpg
    Child stars always fare so well in their 20's, eh?
    Lindsay Lohan's number 1(only) fan waits for her to come out of prison.

    In May, 2010, Ms Lohan violated her probation on a 2008 DUI conviction by whoring it up in France at the Cannes Film Festival instead of appearing in a Beverly Hills courtroom to explain why she'd quit going to court mandated drunk school. She explained her absence -and lack of a flight reservation- by blaming her evil father for arranging to have her passport stolen (something so serious that she neglected to report it to either the local police or the US embassy) thereby forcing her to go party some more instead of taking the judge seriously. The judge, in turn, arranged for her to have her relieved of her freedom upon her return to the US when she was done partying by issuing a warrant for her arrest. She narrowly avoided getting v& by having some poor schmuck who still thinks she's worth saving pay the $100,000 bail before she arrived.

    She also thought she was pretty smart for scheduling her makeup court date to coincide with the pissed-off judge being on vacation. The judge responded by postponing her holiday and ordering Ms Lohan to permanently wear a wrist bracelet that monitors you for any drugs or booze in your system and setting her another court date to explain why she's not doing her drunk classes any more. Apparently, Lilo's excuse that it was because her grandpa had died was not satisfactory since she admitted that she didn't even go to the funeral.

    BREAKING LULZ: On June 8th, 2010, Hohan threw a bitch-fit over some poorly-timed photos and even moar poorly-timed MTV Awards Show after-parties. Her SCRAM went off "accidentally" after being there not but half an hour. She literally couldn't go a whole week without booze, much less her months-long probation; admittably, that's hard for some of our very own EDiots, but that's besides the point. She even spent less time making excuses on Twitter as soon as she realized just how fucked she was, claiming everything from a malfunction to a "flashing bracelet" in her boots. Or y'know, maybe she could've said someone spilled a drink on her, though her probation requirements stipulated she wasn't even supposed to be AROUND alcohol, so again, she was boned. The judge locked her up the next day and she was out the next night, this time with TWICE the bail held against her ($200,000 American!) via a bail-bondsman; she only thought she was broke before, now she's gonna have to suck dick for more than Coke from now on, assuming she doesn't end up in jail next. DISREGARD THAT After she gets out of jail. until she goes back to jail.

    Gallery

    See Also

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