League of Legends
League of Losers (LoL) is a time-wasting simulator of the "Aeon of Strife Styled Fortress Assault Game Going On Two Sides" (A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S.) genre, though casualfags also call it MOBA.
Imagine the freakish one-night stand between World of Warcraft, drunk off his ass, and the sopping wet cunt of DotA. The result of such anal play is League of Legends; a festering anal wart that will haunt "Guinsoo" and "Pendragon" to their graves. It is basically a "polished", but at the same time casualized version of DotA with a set of tutorials for the newfags on top.
LoL was created by Riot Games, a group of DotA fantards from around the globe willing to make goals such as pioneering the game genre, Multiplayer Online Battle Arena. It's DotA without gold-loss on death and "denying" (killing your own minions like a spastic retard to deny the enemy gold).
Fortunately, to make the whole experience more exciting, some new deep gameplay mechanics have been introduced. For instance, if you have "Flash" in your spell slot, you'll rape your enemies in the ass every single time you use it; making the game truly fun and entertaining to play.
• Download it, play it and uninstall it FOR FREE!
• Wait for the installer to patch the game for up to ONE HOUR, just because you didn't get the newest blonde weeaboo-lazer champion skinpack.
• Participate in games ranging from 25 minutes to MORE THAN AN HOUR! Enemy team got ya down? Getting fisted right to the shoulder? The client ties your account's ID to every game you join so if you try to quit and play another, YOU GO RIGHT BACK TO IT! Want to surrender? Too bad, the 2/19/4 Ashe and her 1/15/2 Malphite pub buddy won't hear of it!
• Use points you earn in games to purchase new champions! Don't even think about saving up for skins 'cause you have to buy RRRRRRIOT POINTS for that! Cunts!
• Level up through the ranks! Buy an empty rune page for twice the cost of most champions! Agonize over your rune tree because that's the ONLY REASON you aren't winning at your skill level!
• Purchase champions from the store and pick from ten free ones EVERY WEEK! But seriously, you and I both know you will suck at any one you pick. This is the game Koreans play with one hand and punish the slightest error with total e-rape; forcing you to focus your energy on a single champion to become good. Then a day comes where, by the wind of luck, you will TOTALLY FUCKING PWN. Waves of monsters will fall at your feet. Enemy heroes will quiver in fright and your allies will tongue your testicles. However, this surge of e-peen will melt to a string of losses and butthurt as you try to explain zero assists and constant feeding. Yeah, I'm sure that build got you a legendary streak last game. Maybe you should stick to playing against AI bots and phone us when you're ready for some teamwork.
• Play the new champion! Every few weeks Riot introduces a grotesquely overpowered new champion which their demographic will purchase with daddy's credit card so they can EPICALLY PWN SUM NOOBS!!!! As soon as the next gamebreakingly OP champion is released, the prior champion will be nerfed into unplayability.
• GET ADDICTED! League of Legends has all the enticing elements of WoW! Collect enough gold to buy the black phallus you've been eying! Shit the same ball of magic on the same goddamn monster for the fucking thousandth time! Masturbate over one character and die inside when the Infinity Edge you farmed for vanishes at game's end! Now you can have the life sucked out of you in thirty minutes or less, GUARANTEED!
• Kill yourself when everyone flashes everywhere evading all your well-placed skillshots.
Paying for stuff is split into two currencies: Riot Points ($$$) and Blue Essence (Free aka grinding forever).
• Riot Points are for worthless XP and BE boosts or hero--I mean "CHAMPIONS" (which are completely overpriced) and their skins. If you're a fucking retard, you pay for the Riot Points. The other way of getting them is to just wait for a Christmas to pass by or a huge server crash. You'll then get a small amount of RP and you can at-least afford one or two skins sooner or later (if you're stupid enough to play this long).
• Blue Essence is the only ingame money you can earn by fighting. You use this to get new champions and rune pages. There is also something called Orange Essence which can be obtained via the obligatory lootbox mode. It can be combined with other lootbox crap to unlock worthless skin shards for champions you probably don't even own.
The genius writers at Riot thought it's a good idea to put some background story into the game. They're a bunch of WarCraft / Warhammer 40K wannabes. Nobody gives a fuck though, since most players are only interested in banning other players or blaming their teammates for being total fuckwits. They even had a newspaper coming out monthly until Riot probably figured out that nobody reads their trashy stories and stopped it.
Generic high fantasy world. You know, Earth, the typical fantasy world, but most likely Azeroth since this game shares the same bland ideas with World of Warcraft.
Generic fantasy good guy faction. The people in Demacia are doing everything that lawful good people consider light and justice. Their official language is nothing but shouting the word "DEMACIA"!!!
Generic totalitarian bad guy faction. The land of badass sadists and the always chaotic evil empire.
The typical land of weeaboo fanfaggotry. Your typical Asian weeaboo culture with daily Mortal Kombat tournaments. Currently getting pwned by Noxia, HARD.
Land of furfags and smurfs. 100% of the population is filled with furfags and smurfs. Some are even weebs.
• The Void
The WarCraft Outlands 2.0. A place where Zerg- and Tyranid-wannabe creatures come from. You'll most likely be raped by tentacles if you enter.
A technological advanced grimdark city inhabited by steampunk technophiles. Like your typical air polluted city of new york, the same image shared along with the common human cites in WH40K which obviously Riot stole from. They are evil because they side with Noxus, hurrdurrhurr.
Technological advanced brightlight city inhabited by apple tech hippies and furfags from Yordle. The complete opposite version of Zaun. They are good guys because they are allies with Demacia. They're also a bunch of furfags because they are allies with Yordle.
Generic icy wasteland filled with barbarians and hot bitches that will freeze your cock off. Tryndamere is currently the pimp master of this shit hole.
These modes are always available and they are basically the whole game.
• Classic - The only mode anyone plays with the ONLY map anyone plays: "SUMMONER'S RIFT". A fucking three lane map that you see in every other DotA clone. Five players on each side try to flame the shit out of each other until one side either surrenders at 20 minutes or keeps on crying how one their junglers fed the other team. This can normally go on for approximately 45 or up to (if you're unlucky) 60+ minutes. If you are up to it, you can play a mode called "Ranked mode". It's the same as classic except it's full of 12 year olds that will munch your dick off if you do anything wrong.
• ARAM - Stands for "All Random All Mid". All players fight with random champions on a single lane on an icy bridge. You can't buy shit as soon as you leave the base. This mode serves for those people who are even too stupid to play the regular League of Legends. "Fun" for about 10 minutes, then you just want to shut it off and rethink the purpose of your life.
• Co-op vs. AI - You and your one-man-clan friends play against bots to test out new item builds, hurrdurrhurrr. You can't even play this mode offline. Totally pointless, except that "intro" level AI games are the best place to run account leveling tools. Since most of your games will be with other botters and against the AI, there won't be anyone to report you.
• Custom - Before ARAMs became an official game mode, they would be held here in the middle of the tutorial map. It also used to be useful for quickly testing stuff, but the new practice tool obsoletes that, too. Nowadays, the custom mode is only used for tournaments.
• Tutorials - If League really is your first overhead view game and you need to try these to figure out how to move your character, you have a sad empty future ahead of you. Just end it here, right now. It's for the greater good.
• Twisted Treeline -
A re-created map that Riot tried to make better. While updating the graphics, they also made it as unbalanced as they possibly could by making the mode revolve around pole-hugging points and adding items that make Singed even stronger, Diana penetrate even harder, and make early game champions butt-rape everything. No, your team will not help you kill, and no, they will not cap points. Riot decided that having more than two maps was too confusing for their retard playerbase, and canned this mode in 2019.
When the game reaches new lows of boredom and shit balance, and even LoL's base of addicts and children are losing interest, you'll notice one of these modes show up in the client for a while.
• Definitely Not Dominion - A game mode that tries to be Battlefield by quickly capturing points in a circle until the points of one side run out. No human players play Dominion; Riot has reserved this gamemode for IP-farming bots from [insert Asian country here]. This mode was killed from the perennial modes in 2016, but occasionally appears as a featured mode.
• Hexakill - 6v6 so you can try to get that fabled "Hexakill!!!" announcer line. In reality, there's just another player to steal your farm/kills/virginity and scream at you for being toxic.
• One For All - 5 Jarvans vs. 5 Malphites. 5 Caitlyns vs. 5 Ziggs. You will laugh once when everyone ults at the same time, then never return to this boring-as-shit game mode.
• Ultra Rapid Fire - A mode that gives you infinite mana and energy, 80% cooldown reduction and increased movespeed, attack speed, etc. The only fun way to play League post-2011, as anyone can fulfill their fantasies of spamming any champion's abilities until their fingers rot and fall off. Of course, Riot found a way to make it worse by forcing you to play with random champions, like ARAM.
A normal day in League of Legends
Ah yes, the spells; the number one game-breaking feature.
• Barrier - "I'm a pussy who needs shielding" written all over it.
• Clairvoyance -
It's like the game devs never learned from the WarCraft 3 Orc Farseer. WHY BOTHER USING A SCOUTING ABILITY ON A GAME WITH A HANDFUL OF UNITS?! Gone, along with Dominion.
• Clarity - Building cheap mana items is too much stress! I'd rather waste a whole spell slot on this!
• Cleanse - Even if anybody ever uses this, it doesn't help you when you get gangraped by three or more other champs.
• Exhaust - Slows enemies down. That's about it.
• Flash - By far the most broken spell in the game. Jump after or away from an enemy instantly. This fucks up all their skillshots and makes even the most useless asshole a deadly killer -- abuse to the max.
• Garrison -
Dota's Glyph of fortification. Also removed with Dominion.
• Ghost - The "I'm too dumb to avoid running into my own dudes" - spell.
• Heal - This skill heals you and an ally, and grants movement speed to both of you. Use this to save your own life or that of others. They will never thank you; they will only call you out to everyone in the game as a noob.
• Ignite - Hurts enemy champions over time and reduces healing effects. A no-brainer, yet most people die to this because they felt they were too pro to take the "noobish" heal. Can be ran in pretty much any lane; although not always optimal, it's a solid choice.
• Promote -
Make a siege minion more powerful ... yeah, that sure helps when everybody is capable of killing a minion almost instantly after 15 minutes. Removed. Its effect was transferred to an item, but that eventually got canned, too.
• Revive -
Good luck getting any ranked game started with this ability. It's actually pretty fucking useful for emergencies in late game, where respawn times can take up to a minute. Unfortunately the raging fatass neckbeard children community of LoL does not understand foresight or logic thinking and WILL report you for this spell, ALWAYS. Canceled, although it sort of lives on in the item Guardian Angel.
• Smite - HAHA OH WOW! A spell that only kills minions, which is useful for one person on your team for about two minutes.
• Surge -
Buffing yourself only; gee, that's like the Paladins in World of WarCraft all over again. BALEETED, it now partially has it's own item in Guinsoo's Rageblade.
• Teleport - Too lazy to walk? Want to be seen appearing by the enemy with a big glowy light so that they can beat the shit out of you? It's yours my friend, as long as you have enough rupees!
Ryze, the American justice enforcer
The champions are soooooo original. They look like stolen artwork from DeviantArt. Maybe because Riot's artists ARE from deviantart. The ones that are remotely likeable are merely mashups of other things. Riot's inspiration sources are most likely ponies, castles, furfaggotry, sodomy, sluts, emos, Twilight, bestiality and Sailor Moon.
• Aatrox - A generic "I live to fight" - grunt of some fucking race that faced natural selection and failed hard. He looks like Devilman, and like him, is so overpowered that he probably also tears out titties and eats them.
• Akali - Totally not Jade form Mortal Kombat. A Feminazi with dual dick choppers, so she can castrate and kill at the same time. Capable of inflicting stupid amounts of damage in a small duration of time, with a fluency second only to LeBlanc.
• Alistar - An annoying fucking cow that can slam the enemy and heal. Also hard to kill and was used by over 9000 people.
• Annie - A small girl, originally designed by a pedophile, and is very light clothed, also she can summon Pedobear to do her bidding. Getting caught playing her may send you into jail for possession of child pornography.
• Ashe - A piss weak overglorified glass cannon that doesn't do ANYTHING special except firing a giant ice arrow that stuns ONE champion across the map; always the first to die in a teamfight. Currently getting fucked by Tryndamere while giving him nice, cold blowjobs. Somehow an even worse hero than Traxex, the DOtA hero she was lazily plagiarised from.
• Azir - Riot was so desperate about adding another Egyptian god into the game and therefore they decided to make another champion from Shurima, since Nasus got bored of stacking Q by himself. He is capable of creating a shitload of sand soldiers and dashing to one of them, which makes him a perfect feeder. He also has an ability to place a turret on ruins of another turret; because enemies also need more gold, as well as kills.
• Bard - Some shitty singer from the cosmos that is capable to create portals that can be used by your allies to escape from been Gangraped (and by your enemies so they can still pursuit them),bind enemies champions and minions to each other and walls, and create fields that freeze EVERYBODY (including your allies) in time. Always followed by golden Pikmins.
• Blitzcrank - If Pudge from DotA was redesigned as a mecha, though with the noob-friendly gimmick of his huge fist passing through friendly units. Gets banned in Ranked matches 9001% of the time, and when he doesn't his team always loses because nobody knows how to play him correctly.
• Brand - Literally a flaming, shirtless, faggot. Played correctly by 5 people, with everyone else being unable to land his skillshot stun.
• Braum - Riot's attempt at milking off any meme involving manly men and mustaches with a support champion. Riot tried to make him the Draven of supports, shoving him down everybody's throat, but that failed when people would ban him like Blitzcrank, bitching how strong Braum was while every other support sucked ass. Still gets banned in games even after Riot made him weaker. His accent is somehow goofier than Caitlyn's accent.
• Caitlyn - Steampunk Slut archetype with poorly impersonated English accent. Her ultimate is useless against competent enemies. Engages in hot lesbian action with Vi when not getting anally raped by everyone.
• Cassiopeia - Riot's highly comical attempt at an AP carry; requires staggering amounts of farm just to avoid feeding and will do nothing all game until the enemies walk into a bush and she gets a penta.
• Cho'Gath - Another original champion. Remember to eat several minions and grow as big as possible. Totally not the Violator.
• Corki - A dwarf in a chopper. Nope, totally not stolen from Warhammer or WarCraft. Every Corki player is a complete asshole. He's also a furfag because he was born in Yordle. Formerly one of the only good ranged carries, but since his nerf this is no longer the case.
• Darius - One of the newer, more balanced champions. Fucks up your day by swinging a few times then cleaving prey in half. Rage points if one yells "DUNK'D" in all-chat. Don't worry about losing your lane or getting no farm, since Darius requires nothing except to be level 6 to win.
• Diana - A "heretic" (I c what u did there Riot) bitch who escaped the Kitchen Of The Sun and uses her Moon Goddess powers that she read about in feminist literature. On release was overpowered even for a new Riot champion, and has since been nerfed into near uselessness.
• Dr. Mundo - Roided purple dickhead who throws butcher cleavers covered in STDs at people. Impossible to kill yet lacks a knockup, so enemies just run him in circles as they steamroll his teammates. Is known for going where he pleases.
• Ekko - Over-tuned fuckboi of a Champion, Ekko is the epitome of Riot's disgusting game-design philosophy. Massive damage, an enormous shield, CC, dashes and an ultimate to reset all the mistakes you just made. Absolutely not a champion built for dumbshit 10-year-olds who can't strategize to save their lives....NIGGA SO BLACK,HE STEALS TIME!!!
• Elise - Spider-furry with enormous tits, because Riot thinks their demographic will masturbate to bugs. Sadly, they're correct.
• Evelynn - Dumb blue slut who gets shut down by items bought from the shop. Can and will shove a spike near enemy rectums, though squishy and enjoys getting penetrated. Possibly the worst visual design (
and passive ability when the fuck was that written? 1993? BC? When she isn't in combat she's fucking invisible to almost everything) of any champion.
• Ezreal - The official blonde in-game weeaboo fag and most over-played champion since some azn said he jerks off to him every chance he gets. Everybody wants to play this guy because of a CYBERNETIC ARMOR SKIN, but guess what-- everybody sucks ass with him. Basically Lux, but as a carry and with a penis(CITATION NEEDED).
• Fiddlesticks - Also known as Fiddledicks. Has a broken combo of fear and lifesteal, and he can summon a bevy of his raven waifus to ruin your day. Mostly played poorly, causing butthurt Fiddles players to accuse their team of not backing him up when he ults 2v5 and gets immediately destroyed.
• Fizz - Supposedly a Yordle that lives under the sea. Okay then. Can summon his shark or walrus or whatever to eat you, but will miss.
• Galio - Stupid stone gargoyle that nobody plays. Farts at enemy champions and has a mass taunt, causing him to die a billion times unless you build tanky.
• Gangplank - A Jew dressed as a pirate that earns more money by shooting things with his pistol. Gets hit by every move the enemy team has, but eats oranges so it's k. Can speed himself up to run away, and STILL have time to fire cannons across the map to double-kill-steal from bottom lane. Has four viable carry builds. Extremely balanced.
• Garen - A Demacian who claims to be fighting For Great Justice but in fact only uses it as an excuse to get into the League of Legends and fuck his arch-nemesis/"worthy opponent" Katarina. He shows up whenever she does too, and therefore, more Spin Attack bullshit. The longest running joke in LoL, Garen is a cutout copy&paste douchebag white knight warrior with oversized armor plates that doesn't need any mana. He is also the EASIEST (srsly) champion to play; doesn't have anything special to him other than shouting DEMMAACIAAA! and spinning with his blade. The proper way to play Garen is to type "SPIN TO WIN", after every kill or assist you earn. He recently got a new redesign, which he didn't need at all, that makes him look like a motherfucking SPESS MEHREN!
• Gnar - The new furfag Yordel whose passive changes him into a giant furfag called MEGA GNAR (what an original name!). Not only is his passive uncontrollable and random, but it also gives him abilities that are even shittier than his normal form's abilities. Gets kited by every champion in any lane, and will feed more teams than Twitch and Urgot. He is probably one of Riot's biggest failures because his win rate was somehow worse than Urgot's win rate on release.
They're trying to buff him to justify any reason to use this worthless, shitty champion. Buffed now, but stills feed the enemy team.
• Gragas - Has the biggest tits in the entire game. Drinks heavily and enjoys distillery explosions; a true hero to us all.
• Graves - Pedophile cowboy who was pwned by Twisted Fate and seeks revenge. Got buttraped in prison so hard he walks like a retard now. He then got out and acquired a shitty gun and decided to find his card-throwing nemesis and get his revenge. Also gets nerfed in every patch.
• Hecarim - SUFFERING IS MAGIC!! A faggot centaur ghost or something. Played by pony fags who think he's OMG TEH COOL. Outclassed by basically every other jungler in the game. Now actually has a fucking MLP skin.
• Heimerdinger - Think the Engineer from Team Fortress 2. Used to be completely underpowered until riot buffed the hell out of him. Has two sentry guns that do insane damage on their own and have stupidly long range. He also has stun which is somehow also a very tricky skillshot. Referred to as cannonfodder until the buff, now can get a triple kill without being fed at all.
• Irelia -
Another overpowered bitch that people cry about all the time for being too much of a pain with mobility and lane sustain. All matches end with the chorus of NURF IRELIA!!1! Nerfed, Irelia will either pwn or be pwnd.
• Ivern - A tree-hugging oldfag who used to pwn everyone, rape everyone, burn everything down, or all three at the same time. Suffered from troll's remorse and is now a hippy instead. His gimmick is that he has hot anal secks with all the Jungle monsters to "free" them instead of pwning them to become rich and beautiful like every other Jungler. Like Maoki, he is literally a tree, proving that Riot is so fucking dry on ideas that they're literally ripping off themselves.
• Janna - Stupid elf bitch who serves as Riots official pin-up girl. Generally just throws pathetically small tornadoes at people, but if cornered will queef with such force that her enemies will be blown away.
• Jarvan IV - I'M JARVAN! I'M HELPING! The king of Dumbasscia who used to pwn dragons. Still wants that dragon pussy. His ultimate generally results in a pentakill for the enemy Anivia.
• Jax - Some anonymous hobo who lost fingers to gangrene and frostbite. After pwning over 9000 people in the League,
was forced to be nerfed by fighting with a lamppost volunteered to fight with a lamppost, because he was bored with winning all the time. Still manages to be OP.
• Jayce - Mormon Crusader with a Superman baby face, who's armed with a fucking hammer that can be either range or melee. Can be countered by stepping slightly to the side.
• Jhin - Crazy motherfucker who gets off on death and likes to murder all of the people for lulz. Wears a mask that he never removes, because he is secretly fugly and/or actually a transexual. Surgically grafted his gun to his dick for art; his ultimate involves whipping his cock out and blowing massive cumwads down his lane to paint his enemies white, because white is an artistic color or some shit. Is obsessed with the number four, and trolled Zed into becoming evil for great justice. Wants to
kill have buttsex with kill and have buttsex with both Zed and Shen as a result, probably in that order.
• Jinx - A notorious criminal and proud of it, and also equipped with a crack whore laugh that puts Lux to shame. The only flat non-loli bitch in the game, although Riot's new business model requires you to pay for tits due to her alternate skin containing the previously mentioned sacks of fat. She also comes equipped with one of the longest and the strongest pokes in the game, a broken passive for a hit and run play style, a stun that can hit 3 people, a broken mix of attack speed and aoe damage, and a global execute. Riot has out done themselves by making the fairest and most balanced champion to date. TLDR: NO TITS. W, W, W, R
• Kalista - A group of ghosts all piled up inside woman tunred into a butthurt feminazi with a vendetta against all type of backstabers. Her ult is to eat allies and spit them on enemies.
• Karma - Exceptionally terrible support hero whose ace in the hole is making her ally move slightly faster. Her only use is as a top solo laner where she pokes the living hell out of the melee champs until one gank by the jungler that destroys her instantly.
• Karthus - Some generic lich guy who is known to be the most skill-intensive character in the game.
• Kassadin - One of the victims that got raped by the void tentacle.
Having the most cowardly play style, he basically casts void teleport + silence + aoe slow and then runs away. Gets banned 90% on any rank match because Kassadin only kill noobs at bot to get fed. Reworked: he will now spend his entire early game getting zone'ed and raped by ad champion while he can't damage for shit thanks to the new and useless Q passive magic shield that no one asked for. Has now joined the unpopular champion club with Sejuani, Trundle and Urgot.
• Katarina - QWERtarina. Known for getting raped by everyone when all her abilities are on cooldown. Also Garen's dominatrix.
• Kayle - Generic androgynous angel warrior copypasta that can stun enemies and rapes them with fire. Has hot lesbian sex with her sister Morgana.
• Kennen - A weeaboo and a furfag. Can fuck people up with his stun-stacking passive.
• Kha'Zix - Scyther.
• Kindred - Another furry. Noticing a pattern yet? Their concept was born after a hard night of Riot's champion designers hitting the banana spritzers and reading one too many Discworld books. They are supposed to be edgy, but fail instead, because Wolf sounds like the Cookie Monster after twenty years of hard drinking, and nobody is afraid of a personification of death when death has about as much meaning as taking a shit on Runenterra. Hobbies include writing poetry about wolves and roses and dead mockingjays, and getting triggered by bones. Both are active on DeviantArt, but never post any drawings because neither one has any talent.
• Kled - Literally a furry Yosimite Sam. Lives out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with his lizard. Like Yosimite Sam, he is known for his rampant bestiality, complete sociopathy, and Napoleon syndrome. Also like Yosimite Sam, he is a raging faggot, and playing him the way the devs intend you to will probably get you b& by butthurt teammates who don't realize you're playing the one champion in the game who should be rushing in headfirst like a retard.
• Kog'Maw - Something that came from the same shitty neighbourhood void that Cho'Gath came from that will go urka durka allah jihad on your ass if you kill him. Also of note is his ability to projectile vomit at long range.
• LeBlanc - French bitch. Called the deceiver. Once her spells are on cooldown she's dead, but not as dead as the target of her spells. Typically spends all game mid, getting 12 kills, then blaming her team she never ganked for when she inevitably loses, because she falls off hard after 25 minutes.
• Lee Sin - A blind Bruce Lee knock off. One of the best champs, because he can karate kick from a long distance. Nicknamed "Free Win the Blind Monk" for a predictable reason.
• Leona - Riot decided to show their respect for women with an hourglass-figure young woman who has pathetic damage output and whose primary purpose is to be beaten up, which as been proven to be a fact in a new dawn trailer.
• Lissandra - An ice mage with constant CC and high burst. A carbon copy of Leblanc - Riot's now resorted to plagiarizing themselves.
• Lucian - The 2nd nigger to be in league (first being Nidalee). He lost his wife to a necrophile and decided to stole every one of their bike by shooting them with
Ebony & Ivory his two super ancient pistols of light.
• Lulu - Dumpy little slut with highly irritating spells. Has an ability that turns you into a small harmless animal.
• Lux - Magical blonde mage bitch. She throws light balls around that immobilize with tons of damage, fires a giant laser that obliterates everything, and has a laughing sound that shatters eardrums all over the world. Probably the only (normal-sized) female champion that is not dressed like a whore, though she has changing boob-sizes for every skin. Used to take it in the ass from Ezrael until Tahm Kench ate his dick for lulz.
• Malphite - A generic Golem. Made of rock, attacks based around rocks and is a tank. Highly innovative. Does no damage and always gets banned in Ranked.
• Malzahar - Some sandnigger that went to the Void and bought overpowered pushing capability back with him.
• Maokai - A pissed off tree that realized how fucking stupid the League of Legends was and came to life to chuck explosive tree midgets at everyone. His goal is to never play the game again, because being a thoughtless tree was more worthwhile.
• Master Yi - The sanic of the game and a weeaboo. He goes really fast, and then he goes even faster. Absolutely destroys for the first half of the game, then becomes totally useless. GET DUNKED!
• Miss Fortune - Slutty pirate whore.
Probably the worst ranged carry (except maybe Sivir) because Riot didn't see the problem in giving a delicate ranged hero no disables or escape mechanisms can push E to make an AOE circle of slow, then walk away unless played by a retard with no map awareness. Farts heart shaped toxic gas when out of combat that inexplicably makes her run faster.
• Mordekaiser - HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE 2/23/8. Mordekaiser Es Numero Uno! QWERignite!
• Nami - Not to be confused with that jew from one piece. The support champion who is most likely fish food for other champions, this bitch has a 5 minute skillshot stun and a 10 minute ult stun. She can also heal while damaging the enemy.
• Nasus - Another champion that was "inspired" by mythology. Wins games by letting his team die for 30 minutes while he sits in one lane and hits Q. If your team lasts this long, Nasus will show up and one shot their entire team.
• Nautilus - Big daddy from Bioshock; armed with an anchor.
• Nidalee - A furry jungle nigger who likes to throw spears and is able to turn into a cat for no given reason. Has one overpowered skillshot that is the slowest projectile in game, however always ends up instakilling people because LoL players can not dodge for shit.
• Nocturne - Angry nigger who, typical of a negro, sits around most of the time and goes out to kill people when it's dark.
• Nunu - A big fat Yeti with a little bitch on its head who is harder to kill than John McClane.
• Olaf - Riot displays their earth-shattering creativity with this champion; he is a viking. Drops shit tons of damage and yells a lot. That's it.
• Orianna - Homicidal robotic sex doll. Stole a nut from a bigger robot and throws it around.
• Pantheon - Leonidas from 300 rip-off with a helmet on top; throws spears and jumps on people like a rapist. His ultimate can be dodged with common sense, which fortunately for Pantheon players is rarely encountered in LoL.
• Poppy - Anti-fun bulldyke smurfette. Cunt-slams people into walls and proceeds to hammer rape them. Is both a tank and an assassin, which is about as balanced as it sounds. None of her skin art looks even vaguely like the original, which is a good thing. Played by nobody, since the average LoL player is too stupid to deal with positioning.
• Quinn - Since Riot decided one guy with a bird isn't enough (Swain or even Fiddlesticks) they decided it would be super awesome to add a chick who also has a bird! She also can turn into one. Yay.
• Rakan And Xayah - Not just one, but TWO more furfags. As members of the Furluminati they seek to establish furry dominance over mankind, thus ensuing endless yiffing for the rest of Runeterra's history. Their dialogue sounds like it was written by an edgy DeviantArt-going angsty teenager, making them slightly above average for Riot. They are designed to go together, thus exasperating the already-massive problem of finding an ADC or Support who isn't a gibbering fuckwit. The only positive thing they bring to the table is the satisfaction of killing them over and over.
• Rammus - Rolls around and hurts people. Thrilling.
• Renekton - A Raptor Jesus bodyguard with a crocodile head that got fucking sick of working in a library his whole life. He's Nasus's brother despite Nasus being a dog.
• Rengar - A furry version of the Predator. Known for creating many jumpscare moments after savagely jumping out of the bush. Gets countered by wards like every other assassin, but ONLI DA SUPPORT BUY WARDZ LOL. Press E for [E] bola strike.
• Riven - Another shitty champion that can die really fast. Also is a lesbian and has a broken sword. Melee carry who isn't tanky and has no utility. Utterly useless unless she catches the squishy carries out in the open, in which case she will tower dive for a quadra kill.
• Sejuani - Dumb cunt on a giant pig with a shittier version of Amumu's ult. Widely regarded as crap. Does nothing late game unless she has a perfect beginning and middle which is impossible for any LoL player.
• Shaco - A douchebag ICP fan who goes invisible and stabs people from behind. He's also fond of traps.
• Shyvana - A dragonborn whose only wish is to suck Jarvan's cock. Upon accumulating enough PMS Power she dons a huge dragon fursuit.
• Singed - Anorexic junkie with a meth lab on his back, is able to run fast to fuck people up despite extremely cumbersome weight. He is the most hideously annoying thing in League of Legends if you let him get fed, but luckily any champion can easily counter him by chasing him hard, as he is too slow to get away.
• Sion -
Copy of any undead warrior from WarCraft 3. Has one good ability. Sion players are still wondering when he'll get a rework and visual update while other champions who don't need updates get them Got a complete rework. Now he can yell really loud to thrust an enemy minion in the direction of his skillshot and permanently increase his health when he kills anything. His Q has been changed to slow or knockup and stun anything in a cone in front him based on how long the Q button has been held down. Easily dodgeable if LoL players could dodge for shit. Ult now makes him start running really fast and then damage and knockup anything he headbutts while doing this. LoL players however can't aim for shit so they end up headbutting the wall and getting stunned at least 100% of the time. Passive makes him go into a tard rage when he dies giving him a few seconds of life and replacing all his abilities with a speed buff, just enough to rape anything in the immediate vicinity.
• Sivir - Steve Irwin's daughter; her entire skillset revolves around throwing a giant boomerang and running fast. Highly original. Notable as a terrible ranged carry even within a game full of terrible ranged carries.
• Skarner - Some crystal scorpion thing that can drag people to the bushes and rape them.
• Soraka - Unicorn furfag that gets all the focus in teamfights.
• Sona - Weaboo DDR band geek whore who consists of nothing but button-mashing. Has psychic powers for no adequately-explored reason. Used to be the best support in the game.
Now is nerfed beyond being at all usable. Reworked for no reason at all other than pissing off half of the retards who wanted to play this shitty game with an easy support character. Now she requires effort to be a failure.
• Swain - A bird fetishist who hates Jarvan. Will totally pwn other people with his ultimate because it has a low cooldown. Totally not a servant of Tzeentch from Warhammer 40K. Can be ignited and then easily destroyed, since his SWEET HEALING is now useless.
• Tahm Kench - An obese motherfucker born out of a determined effort by Riot to simultaneously rip off both The Princess And The Frog and Eka's Portal, he is definitive proof - as if you needed any after Kha'Zix and Cho'Gath - that somebody on Riot's development team is a voreaphile. His primary gimmick is, as you might expect, to eat enemies and teammates whole. Since you don't need your teammate's permissions to eat them, he has trolling potential almost as vast as his fat ass is.
• Talon -
Weak as hell and useless in teamfights. Has to use all his abilities just to get one kill. Woops never mind now Talon buttrapes your team every single fight. Or not, since most Talon players are too braindead to play him.
• Taric - Gay crystal knight. Comes in FAAABULOUS colors like lavender and turquoise. Totally shit except for an inexplicably powerful stun. Truly outrageous.
• Teemo - Also known as Satan in the League of Legends community due to how overpowered he is. Tiny woodland critter furfag asshole that turns invisible while planting explosive mushrooms everywhere, to scout the map and detonate whenever some unlucky noob steps on them, contaminating the victim with a severely noxious poison that kills him over time. Can also play as a ward. Fair and balanced.
• Thresh - Pale faggot that keeps people in dungeons and beats them with a length of chain. Stole the soul of Lucian's wife, and keeps it around his neck for the lulz.
• Tristana - A yordle, who is Teemo's girlfriend. This smurf midget jackoff likes to blow shit up with her cannon and jump on enemies. Known for giving champions instant heart attack with her massive blow job combo post level 6.
• Trundle -
A cursed Troll that smells like garbage, and ruins everything he comes near with his defiling presence alone. Reworked: now he is just a generic ice troll in a fantasy world.
• Tryndamere - Faggot Barbarian with a tard rage that makes him invincible for a few seconds. Played by 13 year old boys who drink too much Mountain Dew and Red Bull. Easily shut down by exhaust or any hard CC. Currently getting blown by Ashe for political reasons.
• Twisted Fate - A Gambit from X-men copypasta without the bullshit excuse of having a explosive touch to justify him killing people by throwing playing cards. Can teleport anywhere on the map, which generally just makes him a more effective feeder.
• Twitch - Jewish rat armed with a weird ass crossbow which can poison people and activate a fart bomb after certain stacks. Invariably feeds but can raep a whole team if fed. After his visual upgrade, he will now never shut the fuck up with every mouse click. He has legs now too. Rendered useless thanks to the recent nerfs that make you want to play a better champion like Lucian. Now the worst carry in LoL.
• Udyr - A true weeaboo furfag who can use the power of 5 furfags to rape enemies.
• Urgot - A fatass undead-spider-robot-thingy... actually nobody knows what the fuck that thing is. "It" is so easy to play: All you need to do is to have a lock on and spam Q. Does everything from throwing poison bananas to switching places; the product of LSD Night at the Riot mantrain party. Riot finally gave Urgot half-assed upgrades to make people think they care about "it" (even Riot hates Urgot).
• Varus - A weeaboo, who after becoming an hero by burning himself up with this totally not evil flame, got a demonic bow and a new pair of pants. His ultimate tentacle rapes whatever it hits, which in pub matches is most often nothing.
• Vayne - Just some squishy
Van Helsing Batman tryhard bitch that is impossible to kill if fed due to all her abilities also being utility spells. She rolls around like Sonic with a nicer ass, and if she pins you to a wall your anus is hers; hope you like strap-ons!
• Veigar - What happened when Dick Dastardly and Lord Voldemort double stuffed a Final Fantasy black mage and gave birth to a disgusting furfag midget. He instantly kills anyone that builds ability power with his fucking huge stun ring and nuking them with everything he's got, but will be bent over and raped himself if he meets anyone who doesn't use ability power. As the only black yordle he is naturally the only one to have gone to prison.
• Vel'Koz - Another void alien thing, this time a Lovecraftian tentacle rape monster with a tentacle for each hole. Now we know what turned Kassadin and Malzahar void-gay. Once everybody under the age of 21 got over all of the shitty hentai/tentacle rape jokes they made about Vel'Koz (some involving Annie because the LoL community is full of pedophiles and faggots), they stopped using him, realizing he isn't fun to use due to skill shots that are annoying to land.
• Vi - Caitlyn's lesbian lover. Punches things with giant robot hands. Giving a generic barbie doll pink hair and two giant fists does not make a clever champion design, Riot ...
• Viktor - Riots' attempt on ripping off Adeptus Mechanicus from Warhammer 40K. He stole Jayce's shit and got owned. Can fire his lazor and summon a butt vortex thing that is totally useless against everyone.
• Vladimir - A generic gay vampire. His spells steal life (who could have guessed?) while his ult spreads AIDS to the enemy team, and he can piss off everyone by melting into an invincible pool of menstrual blood.
• Volibear - The bear from "Golden Compass" - copypasta. Flips people over and proceeds to rape them. Spends all of his late game getting kited and pedocharging the enemy carry.
• Warwick - King of the Furfags. Capable of yiffing an enemy so hard they are immobilized.
• Wukong - Riot showing their originality by copying the same chink garbage that Dragonball did.
Is a totally useless champion; all he is able to do is escape death. Has the same gay spin move Garen has, only it somehow sucks even more. Buffed so that he can buttrape you more easily in all circumstances thanks to his ult and passive.
• Xerath - Overpriced crystal ultra mage thing.
Aside from having stupidly long range he is useless. Now reworked with an even more overpowered ult that can shoot its blue balls across the map, 3 to 6 TIMES. Kill secured.
• Xin Zhao - The only weeaboo living in Demacia, also the wet dream of every dynasty warrior Zhao Yun fanboy. He also has a shitty Zhao Yun skin that is currently being made.
• Yasuo - The new homeless, alcoholic Ching Chong champion. He was accused of unjustified murder and has been trying to find the truth ever since, by killing more people. Able to create a wind shield that somehow blocks all projectiles despite being made out of fucking wind. Has the highest ban rate because of his passive giving him a lot of critical hit damage even though only one competent guy in Korea knows how to use him.
• Yorick - Emo grave digger, attacks with aborted zombie fetuses. Good at trolling every champion by spamming the same spell over and over. Known for having no counter when walking into a bar.
• Yuumi - Attaches to another champion like a parasite and becomes nearly invincible while passively giving bonus stats to her host. The only way she can die like this is if she directly damages someone in turret range, or if whoever she's attached to runs into the enemies and feeds both their lives away. A champion built purely for e-girls to get boosted by their friend group, pick her if you are lazy and want to eat/fap while playing without getting flagged as AFK. You just have to press a spell every now and then, and most people probably won't even notice you left for the bathroom five minutes ago.
• Zac - Disney themed Flubber rip-off by Riot. A jelly man that has an attack that can melt down bitches' clothes... well at least we wishes he could do that. Beating up naked sluts would make this game slightly tolerable. Anyway, this champion is a complete pain in the ass, as he breaks up into pieces that you can't kill alone before he comes back to life.
• Zed - A highly original ninja character. Three generic ninjas were not enough, apparently. Rapes everyone by press R on the enemy, spam all the ability then laugh at the enemy as they explode. Totally not Shredder.
• Ziggs - Batshit furfag who likes to blow shit up. That's it. Only way he can get off is by watching 9/11. Has a skillshot which everybody fucks up.
• Zilean - Autistic lemonparty veteran. He walks around carrying a giant clock for no adequately explained reason. Can revive teammates with his ult but players always use it too early or too late and mess it up.
• Zyra - Totally not Poison Ivy/Witchblade. Totally not broken as shit. Absolutely doesn't look like Kerrigan from StarCraft and in no way is her ability, shitting out plants that look like Zerg Spine crawlers, stolen from another game.
Tactics & Behaviour
Here's a real challenge: "Name a community worse than LoL"
There's a simple rule for everything you do: DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR TEAMMATES, EVER! They will ALWAYS treat you like shit, no matter how good or bad you are. Play freestyle; make your own metagame rules or just fuck the rules. Doesn't matter, just avoid doing any of that "Support" or "Jungle" shit. Try to be as flexible as possible. And remember to ALWAYS blame the support player for all your shit, questioning their sexual preferences and the legitimacy of their birth each time your get pwned by the enemy jungler.
• If you're losing, every team member will blame it on another team member until a flame war starts. Then the all chat is spammed with ridiculous insults.
• If you're winning, the chances of flame wars decreases, unless someone is not doing so well, gets called a noob and then leaves the game to show everyone who's boss.
Remember, when you play good, you are a try-hard. If you die too much, you are a feeder. Just be completely mute and pick whatever you want, regardless of the team make-up. You'll get banned sooner or later anyway, no matter what you do.
Chances of getting blamed for losing depend solely on your role.
• Carry aka Farming - You stay on your lane and kill as many minions as possible to get enough jewgold. Pretty simple, right?
... Unfortunately being the role with the highest DPS and lowest health makes you a high priority target, but your team mates won't care. It's your fault for getting killed by the entire enemy team while your teammates chase the tank/support. Expect lots of blame, because it's your fault for not "carrying the game".
Killing more minions than usual makes teammates rage too, as they complain that you're pushing the lane too much. Usually the Carry bears a deep hatred for his Support. His entire existence is based on waiting for the Support to fuck things up so he can attain hugboxing from the enemy team.
• Support aka Jewgold thief - These are the poor guys that have to buy and place wards on different spots of the map and keep the farmer alive so that he can get his precious gold.
Expect your lane partner to blame it on you when things aren't going so well. The enemy has aggressive support that keeps snagging your carry who is too far out? It's your fault. Your carry doesn't get back when a jungler appears in your wards? It's your fault. Auto attacked once in the first five minutes? That's why your carry has no farm.
It doesn't even matter if you keep him alive. You failed to stun the enemy champ that just killed your suicidal partner? Expect a report. You were unable to actually fire anything because everything is on cooldown? REPORT! You got a kill with the help of your Carry? REPOOORTTTTTTTTTT!!!!111 ... Basically, you're FUCKED.
• Middle / Top - The teams' scapegoat. This role requires you to be completely alone and manage to survive long enough until the enemy turret on your lane is destroyed. Your only help will be a unreliable jungler who yiffs with the local wolves.
Expect every failed jungle gank to be your fault. If you die once in your lane the game is automatically lost and it's all your fault. If you forget to call out a missing opponent on your lane ("MIA" for North America and "SS" for Europe), shit's gonna hit the fan for you.
The middle player is known to be a smug asshole who thinks he's a pro for flashing into safety and killing a bunch of minions. The top player always sees himself as the superior being, close to godhood. Never question his playstyle or he will go apeshit and run into the next turret.
• Pusher - While not truely a role and more of a playstyle, this suicidal motherfucker on your team always tower-dives to get a kill. If he fails at doing so, he will report his team for their lack of assisted suicide. It's fucking true. If this guy is your Carry, it's better to just steal his farm as soon as possible.
• Jungler - In this role you're the guy who kills the monsters in the surrounding woods to get their buff effects. Then you have to run on a random lane to (hopefully) gangrape an enemy hero.
You are to blame whenever a lane isn't doing well. It doesn't matter if it was a 1vs1 first blood on the opposite side of the map, you weren't magically there so it's your fault. Expect all the blame, even when you're winning.
Junglers are known to be the most selfish pricks of the entire game. They will never, ever help you when you actually need them. If your turret is being attacked by a horde of minions during which you are probably dead, this guy is killing creeps next to it. He will not run around the corner to help.
No matter what role you play, who wins or who's playing, there will be flaming and raging involved, and this game will turn you into a raging asshole who can not take the slightest responsibility for his own failure
Ever since the day the Tribunal was put in place, banning players has become a daily activity. Of course Riot denies the fact that this system is heavily biased, abuseable and doesn't provide the "judges" with any screenshot evidence. Getting reported and banned is therefor easier than winning a game.
This handy little list will explain to you what kind of things get you banned in League of Legends:
• Will get you banned instantly:
Saying a single fucking world in /all chat, which begs the question as to why /all chat even exists in the first place besides to provoke the emotionally brittle retards that make LoL their permanent home.
"Feeding" (which is 80% of the time a shitty excuse to ban someone who died a few times) or just being a player with lots of deaths (eventhough you tried everything you could to hold the enemy). HEROIC SACRIFICES ARE NOT TOLERATED!
Being AFK for 5 minutes.
Taking the "Revive" spell.
• Will get you banned sooner or later:
Being a "troll" (seriously, LoLplayers don't even fucking know what a troll is. For them everything that they don't like or understand in their peabrain is trolling)
Getting other spells than the ones your "teammates" want you to choose.
Helping out middle lane.
"Stealing" a kill (eventhough gold is shared with assists).
Last-hitting ANY minions.
Killing ANY minions on another lane.
Getting killed by a turret.
Getting killed at all.
Trying to reason with Frenchies.
Trying to reason with Brazilians.
Trying to reason with Beaners.
Trying to reason with Russians.
Trying to communicate with the anti-social playerbase in LoL at all.
Saying "easy" at the end of the game.
Saying "gg" at the end of the game.
Being a kind and forgiving player.
Using common sense.
A system that was meant to separate the shit and even worse players in terms of skill and win rates (and fails since we can all smurf) but let's be real; we all know that it mostly separates the players in terms of how lucky or smart (using duo and inviting a reliable partner) they are.
• Iron - The realm of trolls, retards, and actual children. It is practically impossible to end up here legitimately unless you are completely new or have some kind of learning disability. The games are fun to stomp for a while, then you realize most of the players are trying to lose anyway.
To get out of iron, you just have to know the very basics of the game. Get gold and experience, don't feed and you will steadily climb.
• Bronze - They have the talent of getting TRASHED by a LITERAL AFK player and their CS is SO awful they might as well farm in the jungle (even though the jungle monsters will PWN them as well). Sometimes they don't even think about buying items, let alone setting runes and even if they do, the builds are a clusterfuck. Their fails are very IQ dropping and LULZY!
Merely having common sense and basic understanding about everything mentioned above is more than enough to make short work of them.
As the video shows, there is always someone as bad as you!
• Silver - An over-glorified bronze. They think they are so LEET because they are not bronze. Their only redeeming quality is that they can at least carry themselves in the early game.
Once they get out of lane they're exactly the same as bronze. You can turtle up mid-game and the enemies will just run into you and die one by one.
• Gold - They are not that much better than silver players. They think they know much more than they actually do. Mediocrity is the hallmark of the gold player.
Winning in gold is just a matter of refining your skills to an above-average level. Everything that they do can be done better, with a little effort.
• Platinum - The biggest egos live here, and hence the most butthurt. These players will give up at the first minor mistake a teammate makes, because they all think they are playing in LCS. The mantra of the platinum player is "I could be diamond whenever I want."
To beat platinum players you have to actually outplay them, but they are not as clean and consistent as they think and winning one fight will send the whole enemy team into an autistic spiral of rage.
Clans & eSports
Well known as "that girls only team" with a totally not sexist anti-male name.
They were a shitty team hired by Riot to promote more girls to play a game that's not Tetris or the Sims. Despite having escaped the kitchen, they still spent most of their time feeding the enemy team, so it's k.
just recently, last Thursday, like nobody saw that one coming.
Team Siren showing how pro they are (vs AI)
- DotA - The reason why RTS is dead. This article also lists other games.
- WarCraft 3 - The unfortunate victim of DotA and its offspring.
- Shit - This game, obviously.
- Basement Dwellers - Every single person that plays A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S..
- Copyright - What this game will soon be destroyed by.
- Warhammer 40k - Gameworkshop just called, they take back what they said about StarCraft, because this game is beyond the shits of unoriginal.
- Asian - 90% of the population in this game.
|Featured article August 31 & September 1, 2013|
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