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Kwanzaa -- a.k.a. "Christmas Ape goes to Summer Camp", AKA "(I'm Dreaming of a) Black Christmas" -- is a Negroid holiday celebrated from December 26 to January 1. The dates were chosen because welfare queens could afford to buy the discounted merchandise that more affluent families left rotting on the shelves after White Kwanzaa and Kike Christmas. It celebrates the shining hallmarks of the modern black community: theft, rape, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, spousal abuse, genocide, civil war, and murder. Kwanzaa is prevalent in nations where fried chicken and watermelon are plentiful and cheap in grocery stores.

Origins of Kwanzaa

Hal Turner, founder of Kwanzaa, eater of chikinz

TOW claim that Kwanzaa was conceived in 1966 by Dr. Hal Turner, professor of Department of Black Studies at California State University, to celebrate black people, but instead wound up becoming the best visible proof of how black folks fails. Of course, Wikipedia is run by forward-thinking radicals bent on bringing George Orwell's 1984 to life, and they don't want you to know that the real origin story of Coonzaa is that it's a plot devised by KFC and malt liquor distributors to wrest a little more money out of the hands of the po' black man.

The engineer of Kwanzaa was Dr. Maulana Tyrone Sambo Karenga, who was the ideal candidate to craft an Ebonics X-Mas. His pickaninny childhood innocence was shattered one winter's day by a mentally-handicapped hobo employed by a shopping mall to be their Santa Claus. Though the seedy Santa cultivated an odor of roast garbage and dog droppings, he refused to let little Karenga sit on his lap because the wee lad smelled worse than Santa himself did. Santa Joe made quite a noisy fuss there in front of the holiday shoppers, and as young Karenga was led away from the scene by mall security, he vowed to one day make his very own holiday that Whitey wasn't allowed to celebrate.

Later in life, Karenga went to prison for going Rick James on two women in his nigger cult because they put crystals in his coffee. Once he was released, the KFC/40 consortium approached him with funding to help him realize his dream of making a fake holiday that keeps black folks off the streets. And thus Kwanzaa was born.

"People think it's African, but it's not. I came up with Kwanzaa because black people in this country wouldn't celebrate it if they knew it was American. Also, I put it around Christmas because I knew that's when a lot of Bloods would be partying."


—Dr. Karenga, who stole his PhD from the white man

The poorest of black families saw Kwanzaa as a cheap Christmas substitute that would allow them to share their black culture with their kids... and also to give them an opportunity to weasel out of spending money on gifts and food for the little fucks. But from the beginning, even the most retarded pickaninnies could see that Kwanzaa was total bullshit, and refused to let their supposedly enlightened parents Grinch out of their responsibilities. As a result, Kwanzaa is now celebrated immediately after Christmas; otherwise every nigger living in a land where Christmas is celebrated would ignore it even more than Whitey does. Not even our first black First Family celebrates Kwaanza.

What Does The Name "Kwanzaa" Mean?

Depends on which black person is telling the story. According to Karenga, the name signifies the first rape celebrations of Africa's Zulu tribes in the 1800's against White colonists of both sexes, and the hatred for the White Man. In Zulu and Afrikaans it means "Dead White Man" - in fact, this was usually the battle cry of most black person tribesmen just before they were killed by Tarzan and his elephant herd - while in Swahili it means "Fried Chicken Now Being Served!" In Ebonics, where Karenga first heard the word used outside of a movie theater, it means "Light 'Em Up, Bro!", while in standard American English - or any other form of English, for that matter - it means "Lazy Nigger Day".

What Do De Brothers Claim Kwanzaa Be Alls About?

The usual bullshit about "black power" and fried chicken uber alles, natch. But, as Hal Turner claims, it's much more:

As a Negroidian and Pan-SHOOP holiday celebrated by millions throughout the world LAZAH community, Kwanzaa brings a cultural message which speaks to the best of what it means to be a slave in the fullest sense. Given the profound significance Kwanzaa has for WOOP SHOOPers and indeed, the world LAZAH community, it is imperative that an authoritative source and Æ be made available to give an accurate and expansive account of its origins, concepts, values, symbols and practice. Moreover, given the continued rapid growth of Kwanzaa and the parallel expanded discussion of it and related issues, an authoritative source which AIDS in both framing and informing the discussion is likewise of the greatest importance. Therefore, the central interest of this Æ is to provide information which reveals and reaffirms the integrity, beauty and expansive meaning of the holiday and thus AIDS in our approaching it with the depth of thought, dignity, and sense of specialness it deserves.

~Dr. Hal Turner False Prophet of Kwanzaa Chair, The Organization Us Chair, The National Association of Kawaida Organizations (NAKO)

Basically: "Oh lawds we's be oppressed! Let's light candles to black Jesus because we're so sad we're not living in Africa and already dead of ebola-laced Simian GRIDS."

What Happens During Kwanzaa?

If you're white? Nothing. But if you're black, you get to officially skip work and smoke blunts, and many inner-city convenience stores run two-for-one specials on any Colt 45 and Boone's Farm products bought with food stamps. As part of a seasonal offer, KFC sells fried watermelon the entire seven days of Kwanzaa, while Popeye's will give an extra drumstick with every 10-piece.

Oh, and there's something about lighting seven candles on a Jewish menorah, traditionally stolen from a nearby synagogue, but since it's total bullshit anyway we'll just leave it at that.

Do Black Folks Give Presents During Kwanzaa?

Average child after opening a Kwanzaa gift.

Sure they do but the gifts must have either been stolen, or bought during the after-Christmas close-out sales. If you paid full retail for the gift it doesn't count as a Kwanzaa present and you don't get to participate in the Kwanzaa Fried Chicken Feast that year.

Is There a Kwanzaa Equivalent To Santa Claus?

Nope, although there almost was one. Reverend Fat Albert Sharpton was originally going to play the role of Father Kwanzaa. His job was to rob white children of their presents and give them to black children, however, Al claimed that he was too fat to fit through most doors and windows, much less chimneys and fireplaces. When it was suggested that he use Santa Magic to get down the chimneys, Al refused on the grounds that Santa used white magic and there were no black magic spells to achieve the same effect. The truth of the matter was that Father Kwanzaa was meant to be a father figure and as a black man, Sharpton was genetically incapable of playing such a role.

Some argue that the Kwanzaa Pimp is the official bringer of happiness 'n shit during this festive time.

Is There A Kwanzaa Equivalent For Jesus?

Fuck, no. Karenga drew his inspiration from the ethnocentric cult of the Jews, and added to it the idea of deified blackness. Kwanzaa is just the electric boogaloo version of Hanukkah, complete with menorah, dreidel, and boredom.

This could also be qualified as a major self-pwn, as it will lead all Kwanzaa practitioners to the fiery depths of Hell, which is where all non-Christians go.

At one point, Martin Luther King was considered as a possible Christ figure for Kwanzaa. However, market research showed that not even the most devout black person would buy a manger scene set in a ramshackle shack in the middle of a sharecropper's field, surrounded by cotton and watermelon patches, with three black jazz musicians showing up with gifts of Ripple, Gold Fillings, and Blunts. The same market research also aborted plans for a merchandising tie-in featuring action figures of MLK and other Nigger Civil Rights activists.

Are There Any Kwanzaa Songs?

Not many but there are a few. Most of them are sung by Chris Brown, Tupac Shakur, Akon, or Eminem. The most famous one is by Snoop Dogg, entitled Gin And Juice.

Note that Fergie was supposed to have released a Kwanzaa Songs album for 2007 but after having come to the realization that she was not black after all, sensibly abandoned the project.

The Seven Days of Kwanzaa

Sheneequa celebrating the second day of Kwanzaa at Sherrod DeGrippo's place.

Day 1 - Lighting of the first candle and ceremonial rounds of eggnog mixed with Olde English 800. A day of rest.

Day 2 - Lighting of the second candle and some fatties. Remember to pass the dutchie on the left hand side. A day of rest.

Day 3 - Lighting of the third candle. Day three is reserved for the ritual torture of your two most fly bitches. Another day of rest.

Day 4- Lighting of the fourth candle, which is then promptly shoved in the ass of the kidnapped white wimmenz in attendance. Sit yo black ass down, it's a got-dam day of rest.

Day 5 - Utter destruction of the fifth candle by a 9mm slug, courtesy of the annual drive-by from your neighborhood Crips (Who dress in green for the occasion) or Bloodz (Who dress in red for the occasion). Sit at home, do no work.

Day 6- Lighting of the sixth candle. Preparation for the final night: beepers are paged, aluminum foil is purchased, rides are in the shop. A general day of rest.

Day 7 - Lighting of the seventh candle and round-robin tin-pipe of crack rock, followed by general rioting and looting. Chikkens, collards, and watermelons are naturally feasted upon with great gusto. Rolling, hating and patrolling commences throughout the night, and those caught Riding Dirty™ are dealt with accordingly.

Day 8 - Reserved for posting bail.

The Seven Days of Kwanzaa (Extended Remix)

If a black household has the welfare option enabled, they get to celebrate an extra four days on America's dime. Check dis muffuckin shit right here, homes.

Does Anyone Really Know What Kwanzaa Be's Alls About?

Sure -- we do, Brown Charlie! We got us a little movie thang talkin' on what Kwanzaa really all 'bout, fo' all da real niggaz can't read 'n' shit:


See Also

Deck the halls


[WatermelonsFried Chicken]
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