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Kerney Thomas is a nigra who lurks on Black Entertainment Television between 1 and 5 AM, preaching to the insomniacs about Raptor Jesus. His devoted following consists of a particularly heinous blend of Level 34 Wizards who aren't getting enough jollies from their +3 Power Rods, people who claim to have known Jesus personally, and other miscellaneous spiritual people. Surprisingly, Pastor Kerney has a pretty big amount of people who eat up every word he says. They are completely spellbound by his preaching, which consists of yelling at people, asking for money, and giving out his bloody rags as gifts (See also, any girl on her period).
In West Philadelphia, Almost Aborted but Raised
Pastor Kerney Thomas, Jr. born January 19, 1956 of Kerney and Ella Mae Thomas, their second born child while they were using birth control (which may explain the charming accent; it also could have been the fact that his father is a crow) determined not to have any more children at that time, but God had a greater purpose. After growing up living a reasonably normal life, Pastor Thomas worked his way into the television industry after killing some hookers and capping gangstas, where he got a genius marketing scheme. Looking down at the bloody cloth in his giant hand, and the greasy texture of the dead black person at his feet, he took a note from Fight Club and decided to make soap out of people. The black man's distinctive sheen made for the perfect texture for his olive oil soap, and the bandanas dipped in their blood gave them a lovely bouquet, with hints of nutmeg and KFC. Then he whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said "Fresh" and it had dice in the mirror.
The Gist of Pastor T's Philosophy
Pastor Kerney: "Having money will change":
- Your hair.
- Your friends.
- Your car.
- Your food.
- Your house.
- Your dick.
- Your marriage.
- Your sex.
- Women wanting you.
- Rubbing the blood cloth on anything will cure it.
- Rubbing the olive oil soap on anything will cure it. Or turn it into fried chickens.
- His soap can cure teh AIDS!
- The more money you send, the better your miracle will be!.
- He is an Aspie.
- His soap can cure your mom.
- His soap can cure diabeetus.
His soap can cure black. It will probably turn you into a nigra.
- His cloth can cure being poor.
- His cloth can cure the need for chronic masturbation. Maybe.
- His cloth can cure WTC.
- His soap can cure being fat, as long as fatty doesn't get hungry and eat the soap.
- His cloth can cure ugly (put over face).
- His cloth can cure internet disease (put over computer screen).
- His soap can cure Crips.
- His cloth can anger Crips.
- He loves whores and other sinners.
- His cloth can cure furries.
- His soap can cure the gay.
- His cloth can cure the Jew.
His cloth can cure being a slut.Only p3n0r can calm the slut's urges.
- He will get rid of all your unwanted irritations.
- He may be pawt Azn, due to his inability to pwonounce cehtain lettahs.
- His soap can cure you.
While curing, inquires thoughtfully about "Jamaicanese".
— c84, on what it's like to be part of a cult.
— Delusional woman.
— jimmy13, saying.. something..
—liljsworld telling it like it is.
IT STILL HURTSSSSS
— some guy.
—Some guy who can't spell sucks.
—LDavis believes being sent a red piece of cloth will make someone a true prophet.
— some guy admitting they are poor and below normal intelligence...
Proof of his AMAZING POWAH