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Keith Olbermann

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Truer words have never been spoken.

Keith Olbermann is a liberal old media troll beloved by hipsters and hardcore partisan Democrats everywhere. He is currently the host of the dedicatedly left-wing political show, Countdown with Keith Olbermann B&. Think of it as the Daily Show, only more srs, with even moar unfunny jokes and ratings that are in the shitter among most demos. He also really, really hates George Bush. In this, he is something of an antithesis to Bill O'Reilly; whereas Billo uses lies, blind party-loyalty and fear-tactics to promote all things Republican, Keith uses whining, name-calling and dramatized speeches filled with hokey sentimentality to promote hatred of all things Republican in an obviously fake and overly-dramatized voice. Calling him a journalist has and will continue to cause RAGE in many people. Unfortunately, Keith does not generate as much lulz with his antics as other retarded fuckwits do. Despite Olbermann having slightly, and I mean around .001% moar, brain cells than the average Fuck's News host, nay, viewer; his "reporting" that he says puts him above Fox hosts (i.e., slinging bullshit accusations about conservatives) actually just put him on their level

Early Career

Prior to getting work as a pundit for MSNBC, Olbermann was mainly employed as a sportscaster. After leaving ESPN to undergo anal prolapse correction surgery in 1998, he got a job with Fox Sports as an anchor and did the play-by-play for several world series games. One day in 2001, he decided that he'd rather voice long-winded comments about Guantanamo Bay instead of Mark McGwire's steroids. He was hired by MSNBC, and did bitch-work for 2 years before they realized that Phil Donahue's show sucked ass. The MSNBC Gods promptly fired Donahue's ancient ass and gave the time slot to Olbermann, who started a show called Countdown: Iraq to push MSNBC's anti-war propaganda. After Americunts ended up invading Iraq anyway, they changed the premise to the rage-filled Bush bashing and O'Reilly trolling that we know and love today. Olbermann routinely displays his metaphysical math skills, as he is dedicated to demonstrating how having one-half of O'Reilly's ratings actually means his show is more valuable to advertisers, citing something about ages 25-54 being "more important".

Countdown to the End of the World

A typical moment on Countdown.

Countdown is (oops, was, lol) the soapbox Keith uses to spew his anti-conservative rhetoric. He constantly deludes himself into believing that he debunks every single thing that Bill O'Reilly says, since no one else wants to. He is so obsessed with Bill O'Reilly (who he calls Billo The Clown) that he makes a point to mention him on every episode of Countdown. Every Countdown ends with a reminder that it is "Day X since George Bush declared, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" from the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf." However, Olby suddenly became pro-war when Obama was elected and pledged moar soldiers to baby-raping duty in Afghanistan.

Unlike Billo, Olby does not have guests with opposing viewpoints on his show to scream at (because he can't handle sarcasm when it's not aimed at Bush). His lineup of "usual guests" includes about 10 people from Newsweek and Time, editors of obscure leftist newspapers, unfunny liberal comedians, an idiot ultraliberal GWU professor and Joel McHale. Everyone he incessantly rants about has no chance to rant back, since it would interrupt his calculatedly rehearsed script. His show is closely associated with that of his dyke cheerleader, Rachel Madcow.

Speshel Comments

   
 
You are a fascist. Get them to print you a t-shirt with "fascist" on it.
 

 
 

—Olbermann

At the heart of the 30 Rockefeller Center, buried within an electromagnetically sealed vault crafted by Akashic monks harnessing pure essence of STFU and embedded in Kryptonite sits Keith's liberal stick of +10 summoning, which he uses to converse with the great Quezacotl about the coming of Catnarok. Their published conversations are known to the rest of the world as "Special Comments". Speshel Comments is a periodic segment on Countdown when Keith does his best Zero Punctuation impersonation and rants for an entire 10 minutes of airtime about how much (INSERT SOME RANDOM REPUBLICAN HERE) fails. Watching Olbermann special comment for prolonged periods of time has been known to cause dizziness, autism, homosexuality, goatse, herpes, furry lust, AIDs, and hatred for all things Republican, the latter of which he probably intends.

A summary of everything he's evar special commented:

Drama

Factor Fiction

This is what passes for humor on Olbermann's show:

Keith Olbermann vs Lou Dobbs

   
 
Weeknights Lou Dobbs threatens illegal immigrants and on weekends he pays them to clean up after his daughter's horse.
 

 
 

—Keith, villainizing others

Lou Dobbs Responds
   
 
Should I ever encounter Mr. Olbermann in a place where it's just the two of us to converse and discuss the issue, we will have a full and frank exchange of view points.
 

 
 

—Lou Dobbs, telling Keith Olbermann to get back in the kitchen


Red Eye talking about Ann Coulter trolling Olbermann

Keith Olbermann got all butthurt after Ann Coulter pointed out that he received his diploma from Moo School instead of an Ivy League institution. He also thought that it would be a brilliant idea to play "show & tell" with his diploma on national television, so that everyone could see his deep-seated insecurity.

Yes, My Show is Crap, Please kill it!

Last Thursday, Bill O'Reilly started an online poll to get Olbermann's show removed from MSNBC. Olbermann completely failed to realize that O'Reilly was fucking with his stupid ass and to show his support for his favorite pundit, Olbermann and the entire staff of his show signed the petition live, on the air. Olby also took a number of jokes O'Reilly had made out of context (either because Olbermann is incapable of distinguishing humor from serious statements, or because O'Reilly simply isn't funny).

Kickbanned!

Olby was up against the banhammer. Last Thursday, he donated $6K to democratic candidates. As a means to prove that it isn't politically biased, MSNBC prohibits its workers from donating to political campaigns. As a result of ignoring this rule and generating ratings on par with those of Antiques Roadshow, Olbermann was suspended without pay. A petition was put online shortly after he was suspended, and it eventually got over 250,000 signatures. Two days after the suspension, Olbermann was reinstated, and he came back to air a scant four days after his suspension began, much to the delight of his thirty regular viewers.

Then he fired his mouth off again in 2011, and MSNBC (which had just been bought by the Evil Empire of Comcast) b&d his ass permanently. So he took his shtick to Al Gore's fucking lame-ass cable channel, and got fired from there as well. Maybe you can find him up your mom's gigantic snatch.

Gallery

External Links

See Also

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