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John F. Kennedy
Famous video game character
He spent his entire career obsessing over Fidel Castro before being assassinated himself by CIA Agent Alex Mason at the end of Call of Duty: Black Ops, effectively turning Walter Cronkite into an Emo. Even thou JFK claimed to be a decorated World War II veteran, it was later proven that he played no role in the Call of Duty: World at War game. More controversy was also in the works after JFK, while in Berlin, admitted that he was a jelly doughnut IRL.
A similar conspiracy claimed the life of John's younger brother Bobby, who was killed for knowing too much about Marilyn Monroe. But another, cleverer NSA black-op effort to target Teddy Kennedy failed when the Massachusetts
senator now rotting corpse cunningly managed to drown the young female assassin at Chappaquiddick.
- Enemy killcam
Did You Know?
- That JFK didn't do Marilyn Monroe because she was easy, he did her because he was hard!
- That the Kennedy family death curse inspired the "Final Destination" films?
- That he had it coming?
- That the legacy of JFK's infamous assassination is used as an excuse for the Kennedy's to legally get away with everything?
- That John F. Kennedy couldn't handle the mean streets of Dallas?
- That Bobby Kennedy was killed by some guy who was probably a foreigner or at least looked like a foreigner and had a stupid repeated name (Sirhan Sirhan)?
- That if you get caught committing a crime, and your last name is Kennedy, you automatically get a free pass from being held accountable?
- That the Irish cannot be trusted with authority, liquor, females, cars, cars with bombs in them, Margaret Thatcher, Cuba policy, jobs that should go to real Americans of English descent, or television shows?
- That JFK's sister created the Special Olympics, where you're still retarded if you win, kind of like arguing on the Internets?
- That a cash prize ($100,000 or was it $10,000?) was offered for the first person to successfully play a video game in a way that matched the lone and insane gunman theory (a.k.a. single gun theory)? The makers got a cash payment from Teddy before anyone claimed the prize and then promptly pulled the game. Try to find the game, or most comments on it, and be prepared for a crapflood.
- That John F. Kennedy was flagged for PvP at the time he was assassinated?
Why they killed JFK
Some say that he secretly opposed the Vietnam War (although he ratcheted it up IRL), others say that he thought Israel developing a shitload of nukes might be a little dangerous and wanted to stop them (since no-one heard this theory until last Thursday it's probably right), and yet others say it was all because he wanted to out the super-seekrit space-alien-hunters at Project Majestic. There are about a dozen other theories, so fuck knows, the lone gunman story will always be the coolest, but we're all pulling for something much darker!
Examples of conspiracy theories
- Oswald acted alone
Assy HoleGrassy Knoll shooter Dal-Sex BuildingDal-Tex Building shooter
- A Secret Service agent shot Kennedy by mistake
- Drain pipe shooter (but srsly who would make themselves smell like shit to kill this guy?)
- IN SOVIET RUSSIA, CONSPIRACY DEBUNK YOU!!!!
Titel AsstroFidel Castro
- CIA did it
- FBI did it
- The driver did it
- Jackie did it
- The British Royals did it
- W did it
- JFK's retarded sister did it, as revenge on Kennedy's daddy for forcing her to get a lobotomy
- JEWS DID JFK!!!!!
- Kennedy got himself killed before the Soviets beat him to the punch (or just for the lulz)
- Bobby did it
- Kennedy faked his death
- Cuba did it
- YOU did it, you jackoff commie-scum!
- YOUR MOM did it
- Joe DiMaggio did it for revenge.
- Actually, LBJ did it. Fact!
How to troll conspiracy theorists
- Tell them you think Oswald acted alone (vise versa for Warren Commission circle jerkers).
- Tell them they are wrong.
- After they reply with a 1,000 word essay on how they're right, just give a one word response like, "No".
- Make them play JFK: Reloaded.
- Joke about the assassination.
- Tell them Kennedy sucked at being president.
- Say that Kennedy deserved to die.
- Ruin their little forum debates by spamming "CHOWDAH!".
- Write your own theory, and after it gets followers, tell them you lied.
- State an existing theory as if you thought of it.
- Argue with them.
- Say LBJ was a noble man.
- Call the Warren Commission the most factual and accurate account of the assassination evar.
- Make a Jewtube video of the Zapruder Film and point out retarded shit (Example: HOLY SHIT! DA DRIVFUR TURNED AROUND! HE MUST OV SHOT TEH PWREZIDANT!), and on a sock puppet account, make a video debunking your theory. Watch the flames ensue.
- Refer to Lee Harvey Oswald as a celebrity.
Snapshots of History: A President Pwnt
JFK giving his infamous "Ich bin ein berliner [jam doughnut or maybe even sausage]" speech June 26, 1963 in Berlin. The crowd went fucking wild for no apparent reason.
More skull fragments than brains: The story of his life.
The second gunman on the grassy knoll.
New and startling evidence
- JFK Reloaded funny bug
- The Professor Brothers - History Lesson (JFK)
John F. Kennedy is part of a series on
Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.
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