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Æ Roadmap

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    Here's to setting the world on fire in 2021! - aediot



    Jesus Tortilla

    From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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    The original Jesus tortilla

    Last Thursday, some batshit lady from New Mexico was making breakfast for her 12 children when Jesus himself decided to send her a message. Instead of talking to her, or performing a kind act, he instead felt that the only way to get through to her was to appear right before her very eyes...on a tortilla! And even though noone really knows what Jesus looks like, and people will believe in ANYTHING, it was truly a genuine honest-to-god miracle of epic proportions.

    This meant it was high time to shell out some cash, and start praying to a piece of flat bread. Truly, our God is an awesome God. Ever since then, people everywhere have been finding Jesus on various food items, in windows, and anywhere else that someone in need of your money happens to be.

    Do You Believe in Miracles?

    Some may ask - why tortillas? Well, as bitches don't know, Jesus claimed during the last supper that the bread was his body. And, like suckers, people believed him. It should also come as no surprise that as a Jew, Jesus would be toasted over and over again.

    • Jesus-tortilla.jpg

      yet another Jesus tortilla

    • Jesus potato chip

    • Jesus fish stick.jpg

      Jesus fish stick (usually with a fish stick the burned patches are perfect squares)

    • Jesus frying pan

    • Jesus oil stain

    • Jesus toast.JPG

      Jesus toast

    • Jesus toast2.jpg

      moar Jesus toast

    • Jesustoast2.jpg

      toast Jesus

    • Jesus window.jpg

      Jesus window

    • Jesus pancake

    • Jesus woodgrain.jpg

      Jesus woodgrain

    • Jesus-MRI-scan.jpg

      Jesus MRI

    • Jesus-oyster-shell.jpg

      Jesus oyster shell

    • Jesus-shrimp.jpg

      Jesus shrimp

    • Face-of-jesus.jpg

      Jesus Jesus

    • Nacho-pan-jesus.jpg

      Steamer pan Jesus

    • Jesusscan.jpg

      A virgin birth? Not fucking likely.

    • Canyouseejesus.jpg

      I wonder why nobody made pilgrimages to this one.

    • Chocolate Jesus.jpg

      The original Cadbury Jesus.

    Spinoffs

    Some people also claim to see the Virgin Mary in a similar fashion. However, she isn't as popular as Jesus, or nearly as profitable, because everyone knows that Catholics don't have money.

    • Virgin-mary-george-foreman-grill-tray.jpg

      The Virgin Mary appears in a George Foreman grill tray.

    • Virgin-mary-turtle.jpg

      Virgin Mary turtle

    • Virgin-mary-wood-paneling.jpg

      Virgin Mary wood paneling

    • Chocolate-virgin-mary.jpg

      Chocolate Virgin Mary

    • Jesus and Mary pancake. There were two faces so the other one has to be Mary. It's the law.

    • Virgin Mary windows BALEETED! Some atheist threw rocks through the windows a few years ago.

    • Virgin Mary Wall.jpg

      Virgin Mary wall

    Other Religious Apparitions

    Of course this phenomenon isn't isolated to just Christians. People of all religious persuasions are crazy enough to believe in this shit.

    Selling Religion on eBay for Fun and Prophet

    Of course it's the Virgin Mary. If it's not Jesus then there's only one other thing it could be, logically speaking.
    File:Allahfish.jpg
    Jesus toast (with a bite taken out of it) sold for approx. £15,000. The Allah fish sold for only £10.

    In America (where else?) a piece of toast depicting an image of the virgin Mary has sold for $28,000 on eBay. Not only is this toast a decade (yes, 10 YEARS) old but as you can see someone has taken a bite out of it. This leads us to conclude:

    1. Americans are a breed of fanatics who see religion everywhere
    2. Americans are retards who will throw money at this religious fanaticism
    3. Americans not only see something that is clearly not valuable as being worth a lot of money, they are so fucking greedy they will still eat it. That bite probably knocked $10,000 off the selling price.

    DIY Jesus Toast

    make your own miracle!


    Tired of waiting for the Almighty to bless your breakfast? Well no matter because now you can make your very own Jesus toast! Methods include:

    • Cutting butter into the shape of the almighty and putting it under the grill. Results suck.
    • Using a laser to burn in the details. Unless you find some poor bastard to sell the toast to, the laser will simply cost too much.
    • Prayer. SPOILER: this never works for anything whatsoever, let alone magical burned bread.
    • ????
    • PROFIT*

    *Note: there isn't a prophet joke here because neither Jesus nor Mary were prophets. If you should get the image of a real prophet on your bread, then tough shit. Nobody cares about them.

    Video

    This guy should've just taken a picture.


    See Also

    It's not Jesus but it'll do.

    External Links

    Jesus Tortilla
    is part of a series on
    Food and Drink

    [BleurghOm Nom Nom]
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    Jesus Tortilla is part of a series on

    Truth

    Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

    Jesus Tortilla
    is part of a series on
    Christianity
    Badass jesus.jpg
    Blessed by God [-+]
    Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
    Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
    Heathens [-+]
    Featured article November 19, 2008
    Preceded by
    Gordon the Pringles Giraffe     		Jesus Tortilla Succeeded by
    Ellen Feiss
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