Jeremy Kyle, also known as the chav god or 'Jezza' to those of you with less than two GCSEs, is responsible for a show aired on British daytime TV all about chavs, along the same lines as Sally Jesse Raphael, Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake, only cheaper and marginally less up market. For some reason, the British population thought it was an utterly brilliant idea to come up with their own drama-filled fuckfest of hilarious cuntstackery for non-chavs to laugh at, and embarrassingly painful family feuds and fallouts.
Of course, like cinematic violence, the British do it SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER.
The Jeremy Kyle Show a.k.a. The Chav Show
The show airs daily on Britain's ITV1 channel at 9.25 every morning, before being repeated on ITV2 at lunchtime, and it never fails to be a never-ending source of dramatic lulz. The show deals with minute family and relationship problems, and always seems to find the most ridiculously fucked up looking people ever - namely chavs.
NO ONE watches this programme because they think Jeremy is a brilliant problem solver or because they think these people can get real help. The truth is that it's the British public's source of epic entertainment and gives us the opportunity to realize that in fact, if we were living in a crack whore-AIDS-infested-squat, we would be doing so much better than these fuckwits.
Jeremy Kyle is also a patronizing egotistical big-headed prick intent on shouting at people. The audience however is 100% white chavs despite the United Kingdom having more ethnics than any other country.
People who turn up on the show include but are not limited to:
- Big fat manatee bitches who squeeze out illegitimate children at a rate of knots. (Equally large schools of whale often turn up, disproving that they are even close to becoming extinct, so man those harpoons gentlemen!!!)
- Dirty little skank slags who fuck anything with a one eyed trouser snake.
- Employment-challenged twentysomething boys wearing entirely too much gold bling, Burberry and Adidas tracksuit bottoms tucked in their socks, labouring under the delusion that they are from South fucking Central, L.A.
- Mummified, toothless old women with tits dragging along the ground who're fucking little boys who are way too fucking young for them, wearing clothes designed for prostatots and generally being a leathery wrinkly-skinned embarrassment to everyone around them.
- Chubby, clingy white girls insecure about whether they're attractive to men who've married a Turkish waiter that they've met on holiday or some shit and are then suddenly surprised when their new hubby gets his British passport and suddenly reveals that he has no respect for her and is fucking around behind her back with other dumb white bitches just like her.
- Terminally stupid people. By this we mean THICK AS FUCKING PIGSHIT.
- Sexually confused gay boy twinks who've been sucking cock for money and think it's a good idea to announce the fact on national television.
- Gender confused middle aged boys/men, who want to come out to the world with their chosen name, which is usually something retarded like Trixie or Peaches.
- A combination of the above in family form, all fighting over who's been fucking whose best friend/mother/sister/child.
- Religous nutjobs/paedophiles/both. Not for interesting debate, but because trolling them on national TV gives him an erection to match his overblown ego.
It is interesting to note that the set of The Jeremy Kyle Show is primarily blue in color, leading some to speculate that these are not real people at all, but are, in fact, created artificially using state-of-the-art computer graphics, just as those employed by George Lucas in those Star Wars prequels nobody likes. Others argue, the coloration of the set is a subtle hint at Jeremy's political views.
Whatever the case, it is worth pointing out that every guest on Jeremy's show is specifically recorded under studio lights which serve to highlight every zit, bruise, pimple and blemish on their stupid chavvy faces. Jeremy, himself, however, is never filmed under these lights.
Sometimes, Jeremy won't feel like shouting at dole scum and, instead of his usual vitriol towards the British underclass, will roll out a feelgood show about 'inspirational people'.
In these shows, Jeremy Kyle descends like a hideous flying monkey on the doorsteps of little kids born with no legs or some shit and then takes them to Disneyland or something, while telling them every five minutes that he thinks they're amazing and the little mutant tries to hide the fact that they really wish Jeremy wasn't there. Tedious in the extreme, these shows serve only to highlight the fact Jeremy Kyle is a fucking top bloke, capiche, and does a lot of good work for charity.
It is, as yet, unknown what happens when the little cripples grow up and turn into benefit scrounging, child neglecting, drug taking, tracksuit wearing nymphomaniacs and whether or not Jeremy's opinion of them changes because of this.
Before television, Jeremy was a gambling addict who funded his immoral habit by working as a homosexual cum slut earning up to 15 British pounds per day for his services in public toilets. However, his life changed forever when he was arrested and put through a rehabilitation program. This included watching several hours of videos made by moralizing, condescending, smug, pretentious talk show hosts such as Trisha Godard and Ricki Lake. This induced the delusion that he is in fact a great moral leader you must listen to, mate!
Jeremy is thus the very paragon of moral virtue. Well he isn't really, but he likes to think he is. He stands in front of his live studio audience and pontificates to these lower working class life forms on how they should live their lives, stop being so fantastically retarded and insisting he's doing it for their own good. He likes to call wife beaters "brave" for coming on the show to say they're wife beaters, without realizing that admitting it doesn't make it ok—although if you're married to a dirty skank she probably deserves being smacked about and raped anally with a rusty chainsaw. He calls boys "cheeky chappies", usually with a smirk which implies that in fact he is a screaming fucking bender who takes it up the arse on some dodgy motorway layby whenever he can get the chance.
He puts his guests through the grinder, insisting that if they don't take a lie detector test then they must have something to hide, ignoring a person's right to privacy. Additionally, he refuses to accept that some people might possibly be in the 4% of inaccurate lie detector test results, and proceeds to belittle them and make them cry like a little bitch in front of millions of TV viewers. Conversely, he manages to switch from being a nasty mouthed little gobshite into turning on Mr. Nice Guy and inviting them back at a later date to announce the lie detector results and thank them for publicly humiliating themselves on national television.
He is in fact an arrogant, condescending twat with a God complex and incredibly sadistic drive for publicly humiliating the chav republic of Britain. This in itself is a fine and worthy endeavor, but his method is irritating, antagonistic, and therefore makes him a complete and utter annoying cunt.
This article may cause you to facepalm, because Dirty fucking FANWHORES get everywhere.. Feel free to KILL THEM..
Jeremy Kyle viewers are predominantly bored people who watch it in the summer having nothing else to do. However...
As with any daytime television personality, there comes a fanbase. His however, whilst not as disturbing as the Harry Potter wankfest, isn't so far off. After a little browsing on the Internets, we are pleased to report the following fanfag site example:
Average fans that watch Jeremy Kyle are IRL judgmental, middle class housewives who have no life except for picking up the kids from school, fucking the plumber and making dinner before going out with her girlfriends for some WKD; so they can hide their miserable existence under the veil of "I'm still young, let's take this to the bathroom."
Awesome Quotes From The man Himself
- "YOU, SIR/MADAM, ARE A DISGRACE!"
- "There is an innocent in all this!"
- "WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?"
- "Mine and every other tax payer's money..."
- "There's two sides to every story."
- "GET OFF MY STAGE!"
- "My name is Jeremy Kyle and this is my show."
- "YES OR NO!?"
- "That was unnecessary."
- "Guess what? You ARE the child's biological father."
- "Do you even know how to spell 'contraception'"
- "A mother in turmoil on the show, ladies and gentlemen."
- "The voice of reason, ladies and gentlemen!"
- "Fair play to you for coming on..."
- "You, sir, are a disgrace and do you know why? Because you can't even spell 'contraception', let alone use it!"
- "Be a man! Stand up and be counted!"
- "Button it!"
- "That's not what you told my researchers..."
- "S/HE WAS LYYYYYING!"
- "I'm like a dog with a bone..."
- "YOUR SCUUUUUUUUMMMM!"
- "HOW ABOUT YOU GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE AND GET A JOB, MATE!"
- "It's MY name on the wall!"
- "You amoeba of a man!"
- "You were lying, weren't you, you little liar?"
- "Well, well, well..."
Episodes on the Internets
ITV have very nicely stored episodes for your viewing pleasure on their website, for up to thirty days from their original transmission. You can find these little gems here:
Please be aware that they may cause you to gouge out your eyes with a rusty spoon, engage in homicidal rampage, or just break all your vital organs laughing at the sheer fuckwittery of it all. You have been warned.
People Who Need his Help
- Younger Woolwich Boyz
- Kersal Massive
- Fat people
- The English
- American rednecks
- Twilight fans
My name is Jeremy, and I want to help every single one of you. All of you are fat, lazy, single parents who spend every second of their day smoking cannabis and drinking alcohol. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever tried looking after your kids and being a family? I mean, I guess it's fun having unprotected sex as a teenager and expecting to live on benefits, but you all take this to a whole new level. This is even worse than failing a lie detector test.
Draw a line in the sand. There's two sides to every story. But me, I'm pretty much perfect. I have my own weekday show on ITV, and had my own radio show for many years. What have you done with your career, other than 'failed your GCSEs miserably, then ended up in prison'? I also help disadvantaged children, and have a model wife (She just blew me; don't tell her I'd secretly rather be with a 16-year-old). You are all working class people who should just get a job. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my wife.
Add pixplzkthnx to Jeremy KylePlz to be adding some pix now kthnx. Consult the image selection process for help, or just google up some pix.
Plz remove this notice once there are plenty of pix.
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