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    Jared Fogle

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    Breakingnews.gif Breaking news!
    Jared got 15 years in prison for being a pedophile!
    Middle school girls are hot!


    Jared Fogle

    File:Jared Fogle 3d.png
    HEY KIDS! Welcome to my website!

    For Jared Fogle, life was good. He gained the love of a nation in 2000, when Subway began an ad campaign telling his compelling story of losing nearly 250 pounds by consuming their footlongs. After appearing in over 300 television commercials, Fogle had amassed around $15,000,000 in net worth, and was beloved by the public. Everything was perfect.

    That was, until the FBI paid him a little visit in July of 2015 and found his CP stash. Further lulz at Jared's expense were had as stories of underage hookers visited on paid business trips unraveled along with whatever was left of his already #REKT 'rep. In August 2015 he was sent to the big house where he is still receiving FREE footlongs, but now from Bubba rather than Subway stores.

    Subway career

    A storybook and a six-incher. We can see where this is going.

    Jared Fogle once wore a size 62-inch pair of pants, before losing weight by eating low-fat Subway sandwiches and walking a lot (guess which one helped most). After a 1999 article in the Indiana Daily Student detailed his massive weight loss, a franchisee pitched the idea to a Subway advertising agency of centering commercials around Fogle's story, and thus a star was born. The gig with Subway has made it such that Fogle has never held a real job in his life.

    The now 190-pound, but still creepy-looking Fogle was a boon hawking sandwiches for Subway, who attribute half their growth in sales to Fogle.

    Fogle finished in 36,968th place out of 44,829 in the New York City Marathon in November 2010. He nearly dropped dead from a heart attack shortly after.

    Jared Foundation

    Founded in 2004, the Jared Foundation "raises awareness about childhood obesity." Unfortunately, it seems to have instead raised awareness about preying on children after its director, Russell Taylor, was arrested for child exploitation and possession of child pornography.

    Taylor, after being charged for his collection of secretive videos of several Jared Foundation kids, Eastern European child porn, and photos of naked children as young as 9, attempted to kill himself in Marion County Jail to escape justice and his inevitable ass reaming by other prisoners, but failed miserably.

    FBI pays Jared a visit

    Jared loves ArchiveToday-favicon.pnglittle girls more than Oingo Boingo.
    Jared CATCHES kids.jpg

    On July 7, 2015, the FBI and Indiana State Police searched Fogle's home, just checking for innocent things. Subway subsequently suspended its relation with Fogle, while publicly confirming the search had been related to the former Jared Foundation director's CP charges.

    A now former female friend (of legal age) had alerted authorities after Jared continuously told her about his burning obsession with fucking middle school girls. It's like the jackass wanted to be caught or something by making his little girl lust loud and proud. Being a well-known name and face, Jared is expected to follow in the suicidal footsteps of his former partner in crime, Taylor, after being handed his looming sentence.

    Considering Subway's entire sales pitch for fifteen years has been this sick man's weight loss, it remains to be seen what Subway's commercials will be like going forward if the suspension is prolonged. This isn't like AFLAC firing Gilbert Gottfried over some funny Japanese tsunami jokes, where they just found someone less funny to voice their mascot. Subway will either have to find another fatass who allegedly lost weight eating nothing but their CP-plagued subs, or go the route of superior sub chains like Firehouse Subs, Panera Bread, and Quizno's, and make edgy, offensive commercials in a vain attempt to wash over their tarnished image.

    It was so obvious!

    Not only does Jared look like a pedophile with his facial expression and creepy grin but he ironically named his child organization "CATCH."

    2008 text messages

    According to an affidavit obtained by old media, the investigation on Jared Fogle began in 2008 stemming from text messages he had with a Subway franchisee. In the text messages, Jared repeatedly tries to coax the Subway manager into letting him have sex with her underage cousin. He also goes into detail about how he paid for sex with a 16-year-old he met on Craigslist, and showed great pride in that he only had to pay $100 for it. When the woman declined to let Jared pork her underage cousin, Jared asked the woman if she wanted to whore herself on Craigslist and offered $500 to be able to watch her fuck other men.

    When can we find a time for me to talk to your cousin?




    Any more news with your cousin? Tell me what u think about when u think of the three of us all together???



    —Jared, the following day

    How young would you like?... Would you want to have an adventure like that?



    —Jared, looking for adventure

    Is this the same website you found that 16 year old girl you that you fucked? ...I still can't believe you only paid $100 for her.



    —Subway franchisee, inquiring about Jared's craigslist adventures

    It was amazing!!!!



    —Jared responds

    Subway doesn't care

    The woman hired a lawyer and brought these messages to Subway's attention, but they dismissed the accusations on the grounds that Jared was not technically an employee of Subway, only a paid spokesperson, and that she should stop being such a prude. In an act of kindness, Subway did allow the woman to remove all likeness of Jared from her store in a bid to get her to shut the fuck up. Meanwhile, Subway continued to use Jared as their official spokesperson, which afforded him close contact with numerous children through his campaigning, and only after an FBI raid and media shitstorm seven years later did Subway own up to their pedophile-enabling.

    Jared Fogle pleads guilty to child pornography charges

    File:Bubba Fogle.jpg
    A portrayal of Jared's future current life in prison.

    On August 18, 2015, it was reported and confirmed that Fogle will plead guilty to possession of child pornography charges. Fogle will also plead guilty to traveling to pay for sex with minors. Allegations included fourteen different victims. Fogle was secretly recorded boasting to an undercover journalist about the joy of rape:

    I had a little boy. It was amazing. It just felt so good. I mean, it felt — it felt so good



    Both of them do. Both of them


    —Fogle, on whether he preferred little boys or little girls

    Fogle could receive anywhere between five and twelve years. As part of his plea, Fogle has agreed to ask for at least five years in prison.

    Subway responded to the news by finally cutting the creep loose.

    The charges to which Jared pleaded guilty

    • Between 2011 and April 2015, Fogle received from Taylor multiple pornographic images of minors engaging in sexually explicit contact.
    • Fogle had conversations with Taylor about the child porn, but instead of alerting authorities, he "chose to benefit from such production by obtaining access to a significant amount of such material."
    • The images and videos were recorded by Taylor at his home through the use of hidden cameras.
    • Between 2010 and February 2013, Fogle traveled from Indiana to New York to pay to have sex with minors.
    • One victim told investigators she had sex with Fogle twice when she was 17 in exchange for money, once at the Plaza Hotel and once at the Ritz Carlton, both in New York City.
    • The same minor also said that Fogle had sex with her three other times before 2012, when she was 16.
    • Prosecutors say that text messages, travel records, hotel records and a search of Fogle's home provided evidence of these arrangements.
    • The same minor said Fogle had sex with another 16-year-old girl on another occasion.
    • Prosecutors say they have talked to witnesses who can testify about conversations Fogle had with them offering a "finder's fee" for seeking minors for him.

    Jared's wife wants out

    Jared Fogle's wife, Katie, responded to the news by announcing her intentions to divorce the pervert.

    Obviously, I am extremely shocked and disappointed by the recent developments involving Jared. I am in the process of seeking a dissolution of the marriage. My focus is exclusively on the well-being of my children.


    —Katie McLaughlin

    Sentenced to fifteen years

    On November 19, 2015, Jared Fogle appeared in court and asked for a meager five... years, not dollar Footlongs, for all his dirty deeds. Judge Tanya Walton Pratt responded by thoroughly assblasting Jared, and sentenced him to 188 months, or over fifteen years, in prison. Even the prosecution had only asked for twelve years, Fogle was just that repulsive to her.

    OMG!!!1 A game!!1

    Screencap of the game when it was brand new on Steam Greenlight.

    Some underage b& "programmers" decided to make a shitty pixel game (because that's never been done before). The big difference is that instead of hipster garbage, it's lulzy garbage. The shitty trailer uses the music of Rucka Rucka Ali, so you know the creators are 13-year-old boys. You can find the greenlight here; but it will likely be taken down Disregard that. It was taken down within hours, as Valve and their Steam moderators are fags and pedo-sympathizing SJWs.


    Immediately following news of the raid, Jared's Facebook and Twitter accounts were flooded with undying support from his fans and fellow Subway enthusiasts.

    Jared of Subway has gone from putting 12-inchers in his mouth to putting 6-inchers in kids.



    Atomic Joe

    Maybe McDonalds will take him. His name is Fogle. Just call him "McLovin."



    —Brian Jackson

    No women at Jared house it means something wrong.



    —James Bell

    You may have lost weight but you've still got a chubby for kids.



    —Shane Hills

    Just realized you probably can't tweet me back because the Feds have your laptop and smart phone huh?




    Eat fresh in jail!!




    Jared Fogel's career began and ended by getting into smaller pants.




    I don't think Jared from Subway is a pedophile.






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    See also

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