A Jailhouse burrito, also known as a ghetto tamale or a prison burrito, is an improvised, somewhat yummy snack made by those incarcerated in jails or prisons with materials available at hand to prisoners, namely vending machine chips and ramen noodles. It must be tastier than much of jail "chow," because inmates make them fairly frequently if Bubba hasn't extorted their commissary items. Commissary is the prison term for convenience store items that are available in the big house, such as ramen, chips, Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos, pens, paper, t-shirts, and deodorant, also cigarettes if your correctional institution still allows smoking. Items in plastic bottles, such as sodas, are usually not avaiable, because soda spills are messy, and the bottles can be sharpened into weapons.
Why wouldn't I want to make a jailhouse burrito?
Because you are most likely not in jail and have tastier options available, such as delicious cake. If you have already been to jail, you may be superstitious enough to believe that reading about anything regarding jail will get you sent there. If you believe that, you are a fucktard, and you will likely get yourself incarcerated soon because of your own idiocy. If you are an aspie and find yourself locked up, make sure to bug the shit out of the corrections officers to get them to put you in protective custody. Make sure to refer to them as "screws," the archaic term for a prison guard. They love that. Say, "Hey, screw, put me in PC now!" If you are Chris-chan or an admirer of Chris-chan, call them "Jerkops." The C.O.'s may then want to break your jaw, and you will then have no reason to make a prison burrito. You may also not want to make a prison burrito because you don't want to eat something that looks like a bag of hot puke.
Why would I want to make a jailhouse burrito?
Because there ain't no Pocky in jail, weeaboo, and don't even think of asking the commissary lady for udon. Maybe you're sick of lukewarm meals of ground turkey and noodles that look like someone vomited into a food tray. Maybe you're sick of filling up on white bread added to meals to increase their caloric content. It could be that you've grown bored trying to clog your toilet to flood your cell, because those things are powerful and can suck down a bedsheet. Perhaps, you want to show off your street cred, and make it known to everyone in your pod (newspeak for "cell block") that you are a pretty cool guy. It could be that you're hungry in the evening because you're a fatty, and the jail diet only contains 2,200 to 2,500 calories, a normal amount for a normal sized person. It's also a nice snack to make during a lull in a marathon spades game you may be playing with a murderer, an arsonist, and an armed robber. Don't worry about the company, though, because everyone in jail is innocent, including you. A jailhouse burrito is to a Taco Bell burrito as a vending machine brownie is to delicious cake.
Okay, so how do I make this jailhouse burrito?
First you need a brick of ramen and a bag of chips. Chicken flavor is favored, but chili flavor is zestier and more likely to please a wetback palate. As for the chips, Doritos are usually the way to go, but regular potato chips or even Cheetos work. Cool Ranch Doritos and chicken-flavored ramen make a nice mellow blend. Nacho cheese Doritos and chili-flavored ramen bring the burn. The former would be served with a crisp Riesling or a Sauvignon Blanc, and the latter should be served with a spicy Shiraz or a California Zinfandel. You would, however, be in jail, bitch, so you'll be drinking Pruno, if anything. Below are the steps to follow after making your chip and ramen selection, should you be lucky enough to have a choice. Make sure to do this out of your cell at one of the metal tables that are bolted to the concrete floor.
- Crunch up ramen, preferably with your calloused, tattooed knuckles. Pros don't break the package.
- Pop Doritos open loudly, and crunch them to smithereens with your fingers.
- Pour ramen bits and flavor pouch into Doritos bag. Don't worry, there's plenty of room. Doritos packages mostly contain air.
- Bits of Slim Jims can be added for extra deliciousness.
- Pour a standard coffee cup of hot water, avaiable from the single hot water tap in your pod, into the Doritos bag.
- Stir with plastic spoon.
- Roll the top of the Doritos bag over the rest of the bag, and roll your jail towel around the Doritos bag so that the burrito can steep properly.
- Wait five minutes.
- Open, stir, and enjoy with a plastic spoon, the only eating utensil you are allowed to have.
- Blog entry on how to make a different version of the jailhouse burrito In this presentation, the blogger actually tries to shape his creation into the shape of a burrito.
There are plenty of how-to videos on YouTube. Here are a couple of the better ones:
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[Om Nom Nom]