Jack the Ripper
Imagine yourself in the Second Industrial Revolution in England.
The year is 1888, the peak of the might of the British Empire. The Empire has colonies all over the globe and is just starting to grab land in Africa; the world's largest business is the British Fleet and all its subcontractors; the pound's value is the highest it has ever been; there are no rival powers that can even begin to compete against the British Empire; and Queen Victoria is in power and her influence is spreading prosperity to all reaches of British soil.
However, not all members of British society were prosperous (or even remotely industrious). Many of the factory workers were lazy, welfare-leeching alcoholics who spent all their money on cheap gin and disgusting clap-infected whores. This was especially true in Whitechapel, one of the poorer districts of London. Unfortunately, the British Government did nothing to stomp out the disgusting vermin who lived in Whitechapel. Until one day, one man raised his sword of justice, a man who is known through legends as Jack the Ripper – the Whitechapel Robin Hood.
An Upstanding Citizen Tries Change, But To No Avail
A man saw what was happening in Whitechapel and knew that all the whores and their diseases were ruining the industrial ability of the workers in Whitechapel. He knew if you had the clap, you couldn't operate heavy machinery. He was thoroughly disgusted by what he saw and he knew something had to be done, but did not know what exactly would solve this problem. He tried addressing the problem with the Jews, but they were busy making too much money from taxing the whores. The Jews were also busy lining their pockets by embezzlement. Frustrated, he watched the situation get worse in Whitechapel.
He tried his best to combat the grime and squalor by bringing in charitable organizations to help clean up the streets. This worked at first, but, after a few years, the charities stopped coming through for him. Jack expanded his businesses to employ more people, which improved unemployment, but, after a few months, they became diseased and lazy. Jack even appealed to the House of Commons on the situation in Whitechapel, but they were too busy to hear about some slum in London. While Jack remained optimistic about solving the issues plaguing Whitechapel, he began to succumb to earthly escapes.
The Life And Times Of One Noble Man
Jack the Ripper was a man of simple tastes. He started off as a simple bakery shop owner, running the business with the help of his wife Jill. He was a happy man and everyone loved and respected him. He gave money to charity and kept the most undesirables out of Whitechapel. Truly a glorious and noble-intentioned man. Eventually, the Jews became pissed at Jack's continued efforts to keep them from attaining more Jew golds. In their grimy synagogues, they plotted Jack's downfall.
The Descent Into Madness
The Jews decided they would squeeze all the money from Whitechapel. This, of course, required they first be rid of Jack. The Jews started by bringing whores into town, who then brought with them drug pushing pimps. This set Whitechapel on a slippery slope. All the rich and industrious British people were moving out, and the Irish, Welsh, Scots and other minorities were moving in. Jack, being the upstanding citizen he was, went to the local magistrate to see if anything could be done for his beloved neighborhood. Little did Jack know the Jews already had firm control of the local magistrates and told Jack they couldn't help him.
Defeated, Jack went home only to find a note left by his wife informing him that she had run off with a Jew banker and, as her dowry, she sold everything they had, including the business. The unemployed Jack tried to get a new job, but, by that time, the Jews owned all of the businesses and only employed unskilled workers at a much lesser wage than Jack could survive on. The downtrodden Jack was wandering around the city when a bunch of hooligans tried to mug him. Jack, not being a bitch, defended himself by stabbing one of them in the chest.
The cops saw this happen, but were too slow to catch the hooligans and, because they were paid by the Jews, they promptly arrested Jack. While in court, Jack tried to plead it was in self defense, but the Jew didn't believe his testimony and Jack was dubbed a "white supremacist" attempting to incite violence against minorities. In his unlawful imprisonment, Jack was approached by the Illuminati who asked if he wanted revenge. Jack promptly replied with a simple "Yes." The next day Jack managed to slip both out of jail and out of the public's mind.
While Jack was a smart man with a good number of connections, he had lost so much that he could barely contain his anger. When asked by the Illuminati what skills he could contribute to their battle against The Menace, Jack only responded that he was handy with knives. The Illuminati were shocked by his willingness to risk himself, but also acknowledged that he was the perfect candidate for the job. The Illuminati then informed Jack his assignment would be to murder prostitutes in a carefully orchestrated plan to run the Jews from town. Jack was hesitant about his duties at first, but he knew he was working toward a solution to the problem. When asked what sort of compensation he would like to receive for fulfilling his duty to Queen and country, Jack replied that he wanted to be put into a state of cryogenic sleep so if the Jews ever came back, he could come back to life and fight them again.
Jack the Ripper Deux: The Electric Reckoning Bugaloo
In 1919, Germany was downtrodden after losing WWI. The Jews, being the greedy bastards that they are, were raping the glorious country for every penny it was worth. The Illuminati, realizing the Jews where coming back into power, decided to call upon the noble Jew killer of yore: Jack the Ripper. Jack came back with a vengeance. He changed his name to Adolf so as to not raise suspicion and began his climb up the German political ladder, where he eventually became leader of the German nation. That's when our boy Jack hatched his master plan.
He killed over 6 million Jews during the next 8 years, a feat which no one has ever come close to bettering. Jack would have killed all the Jews in the world in order to bring about a paradise if it wasn't for those pesky Jews in the US. The Jews, aware that their days were numbered, goaded the good ol' US of A into retaliation. Jack, intuitively sensing he would to lose this battle, disappeared into the night and hasn't been heard from since.
Much like Batman, nobody knows Jack's true identity and, throughout history, many have tried to pin down who exactly Jack the Ripper was - professors, historians, hack writers with books to sell - but it still remains a mystery.
We at ED, however, have compiled this list of likely suspects.
- Prince Albert
- Duke Otterland
- Charles Darwin
- Dr. Steel
- Dr. Robotnik
- Don Henrie
- Jimbo Wales
- Johnny Depp
- Max Hardcore
- Russell Brand
Not everyone has fallen for the Jew lies about the evil of this noble hero. The American band Iced Earth saw through them and wrote a song about the glorious deeds of Jack the Ripper. They saw the heroic and selfless acts that Jack committed by killing those diseased prostitutes, and that he risked his own life in the process of cleaning Whitechapel of such vermin.
However, not everyone is content letting this man's noble legacy rest in peace. The worst thing to ever happen to the name of Jack the Ripper was not merely the terrible Jew lies of his ostensibly evil deeds, but rather the cosplayers and weebs who unrelentingly attempt to steal his ruthless grandeur by playing dress ups as him. Such actions are more terrible than a million Jew lies! They think by copying him they can attain his greatness, while in reality they dilute his great deeds by ruining his name with their faggotry.
Not only do they misguidedly attempt to dress up like him, they also make terrible fanfiction involving him being interviewed or murdering people. At least they don't so frequently use him for gay yaoi porn.
- Mel Gibson
- Serial Killers
- Alan Moore - resurrected the "Penny Dreadful" in Jack's name
- The Royal Family - had nothing to do with it. Nothing, do you hear?
- The Highgate Vampire - one of the more exotic suspects
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