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    Hard Candy

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    Hard Candy is a 2005 movie starring Ellen Page about a vigilante loli who tracks down a pedophile and enacts every 12channer's worst nightmares. It was inspired by a news story about some Japanese girls who met men on the internets, lured them into meetings, and then beat the shit out of them when they arrived. Chris Hansen eat your heart out.

    You'd think that the easiest kind of movie to make would be one which gets the audience to cheer over rough justice being done to a kid lover. Unfortunately, the avenging underaged angel is played by Ellen Page, an actress who conveys two emotions only: extreme smugness and even more extreme smugness. This means that the film accomplished what had previously been assumed impossible: it got viewers to SIDE WITH AND ROOT FOR A PEDOPHILE.

    Plot Outline

    File:Looking for these by Razorwitch.jpg
    A sketch of a scene from hard candy.

    The movie starts out giving the impression that Hayley Stark is an innocent 14 year old girl looking online for someone to hook up with. Her nick is Thonggrrrrrl14; uh, so she's a 14-year-old angry bitch who parades around in a kind of g-string; her avatar is a big red heart! The pedo, Jeff, is Lensman319; with a name like that, you'd never expect his avatar: a camera!

    Using the same avatars and nicks, you can pretend to be them on any BBS! How cool would that be?

    The loli has huge collagen-pumped lips just like Angelina Jolie but otherwise looks like a boy, so Jeff can't resist going home with her.

    Hayley drugs him and ties him up until she finds his kiddie-porn collection and a photo of a murdered girl who Hayley may or may not have known. She then proceeds to apparently castrate him and put his balls through the garbage disposal as he begs her to stop for half of the movie.

    When she leaves the room to pretend she's showering he escapes from his ropes and discovers that he still has his kiddie-loving nutsack. He then proceeds to try and kill Hayley only to be tasered by her. When he wakes up he is standing on a chair with a noose around his neck and Hayley promises to hide all evidence of his kiddie-raping ways if he hangs himself. Instead he wraps his legs around her neck and swings up onto a bench enabling him to free himself. He then runs around the house frantically looking for Hayley until he realizes she is on the roof.

    When he gets onto the roof and threatens to rape her she tells him she just posed as a police officer and called his ex, whom he still loves, and told her to come over immediately. As his ex parks her car outside Hayley tells Jeff that if he doesn't hang himself from the roof she will tear off her clothes and run into his ex-girlfriends arms begging for help. If he does kill himself, she promises to hide all evidence of his pedo ways.

    Just before he jumps he says he didn't do it, but he watched as another guy did. Hayley admits that she already knew who else did it, a guy named Aaron, and she got Jeff's name from him just before he killed himself. After Jeff starts a'swingin' like strange fruit, Hayley doesn't hide his kiddie porn.

    Old pop slut recommends teh movie.

    See Also

    External Links


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