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Gone Home is a full-on architectural simulator, made by two chicks, a fag and a white guy with dreadlocks, wherein you control Kaitlin Greenbriar who will unravel the uninteresting history of her lesbian sister who decided to bail on her military duty in order to scissor with her dyke friend. You can also learn about how her parents don't love each other anymore, her uncle is a child molester who is now a ghost and you will get to experience a lot of 90's references and text... lots and lots of text.
The "game" got stellar reviews from video game websites and video game critics who were, incidentally, all friends with the creator and told people that this was literally the best game of the year and that they should run out and buy it. When they did buy it they realized this "game" isn't a game at all.
Story and "game"play
Despite being advertised as a horror game, it fucking isn't.
At the start you find a note from your sister saying that she is gone and not to go looking for her. This cryptic message is meant to fool you into thinking you're going to be fighting some fucking ghosts or something soon, but you never do.
You wander around in an empty house inside of which your family has spread clues about their whereabouts like the fucking Riddler, because that is wholesome and expected family activity, before abandoning the house outright. You will have to find clues and keys before the next door can be opened, because why would one key fit all the doors in your own fucking house, right? I mean, why would you even have the keys to all the doors in your own house, right!?
Anyway, all you do is walk, click on things, and then another block of text pops up on screen. So the game feels like a simulator of what its like to communicate with your family via post-it notes.
There is no way to fail at this "game." At all. The only challenge this game has is staying awake and the only way to "lose" it is by accidentally (or not) turning off your computer. The game is linear as fuck and can be completed in less than ninety seconds, which is ninety seconds more than you should play this shit, and overall feels like an old click & drag puzzle/adventure game, but with all the actual puzzles, adventure and fun taken out.
The animation is a real treat because, unlike every other indie game that's a pixelated mess and looks like the first Super Mario Brothers, this one is actually in 3D!!!! Which is a real feat for an indie game. It seems they poured into the graphics all the effort that wasn't wasted on the gameplay or story. Although it still wasn't enough because the lighting is shit and half the game you can't really see anything.
Of course, white knights and LGBT communities defend this horrible attempt at a game as actually being a game, despite the fact that there is no difference from this and Google Maps with some lesbian fanfiction thrown into it.
Retards wanting to appeal to all SJW praise this shit as being edgy, simply for having a lesbian character. Nobody else gives a flying fuck, and just sees this as a broken mess of shitty art thrown together with a sprinkle of lesbo flavoring.
How it got positive reviews (Hint: Not by being good)
Gone Home didn't have to actually be good to get good reviews, it only needed to know the right people.
Half the people that reviewed it at first did so before anyone else even knew what the fuck it was and they all gave it a perfect 10/10. You know what else those people had in common? They took part in a podcast group called Idle Thumbs together with the people who make the game. Others, like the writers at Polygon, had a personal friendship with the creator for at least two years before that and were invited to that podcast a week before posting the review. Which explains why Polygon picked this point-and-drag adventure game with all the pointing and dragging taken out as their Game of the Year and gave it one of the only eight 10/10 scores in their site's history. Other people who were friends with the developers and gave it good reviews include Leigh Alexander and Kirk Hamilton of Kotaku.
But what did the actual players think of the "game"?
Everyone thought it was shit and were pissed off at all game review sites who told them to buy it either because it championed their gay, left wing ideology, or because the reviewers and the developers were secretly butt-buddies.
So, while reviews from game sites were overwhelmingly good, reviews from actual customers who had just been duped into spending $20 on twenty minutes of pro-gay propaganda with no gameplay, were overwhelmingly bad. Consisting mostly of "constructive criticism" like: "This is not a game", "this is a walking simulator", "I want my $20 back" and "I want five minutes of my life back".
It actually got to the point that all the gaming sites that gave it high scores had to do followup articles to convince people this is actually a game and subtly beg their army of SJW feminists to give this thing good reviews which is the only reason it didn't get a score of -5,000/10.
Penny Arcade and Dickwolves
The retards behind Gone Home, known as The Fullbright Company, got invited to PAX (Penny Arcade Expo) where they would present their abortion. But someone at Penny Arcade had previously drawn Dickwolves, and by "previously" we mean "about four years ago". So Fullbright decided not to go over some drama that was over long ago.
Gone Home Retail Special Edition
And boy do we mean special edition, as you would have to be pretty special to buy it.
What you'll get
- The software on a disc. Yes, something nobody uses anymore. It took them five whole minutes to put it down onto a disc.
- The soundtrack, which is complete rubbish and can be found for free here. It only lasts seventeen minutes, which is seventeen minutes longer than this turd of a walking simulator.
- A fucking sticker.
- A notebook filled with incomplete drawings, much like the software actually. How fitting.
- Sam and Lonnie's zine. See gallery for details.
What you won't get
- A game
— Steve the faggot, not understanding how high-resolution doesn't translate to printed materials.
- Bob's Game - Still better than this.
- Hat Simulator
- Incest - How this game's ending could have been improved.
- Life Is Strange - Same shit.
- Walking Simulator
- Their website
- The Steam page for the shit. Even Steam hates it
- The real reviews for Gone Home
- More info about them and Poluygon's corruption
- The "Gun Home" parody
Gone Home is part of a series on
Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.
Gone Home is part of a series on
Visit the Social Justice Portal for complete coverage.
(What a coincidence. Gone Home is a stub as well!)
|Featured article November 7 & 8, 2014|
Ian Miles Cheong
|Gone Home||Succeeded by|