|File:Forthoodachieve.jpg||Down but not out|
|Eliminate at least 10 enemies when the odds are against you in single player or on Special Ops.|
Fort Hood, also known as the Islam meets US Army sequel to V-Tech, is the location of a well-played round of expert mode school shooter by some guy who apparently never grew up. On November 5, 2009, Major Malik Nadal Hasan went batshit and shot up 13 people, injuring many more, on no less than America's largest army base, happening to be in the biggest fucking state (who could have guessed?). The shooter was a third-rate psychiatrist who'd been advanced to major (in spite of fail) to prove some kind of point about love and understanding.
As news sites raced to out-first-post each other, the facts were distorted by a reluctance to release his name or photo for the first day or two (yeah right, typical shooting rampage, don't think so).
What we did know was that Vtech just went camo.
After the press caved in to the people's right to know, we got a flood of pathetic excuses for the whore in news articles for the rest of the week. Meanwhile, a flood of loser bloggers and columnists jumped in to use Hasan's massive fail to push stupid agendas (usually moar pathetic excuses, Islam, or Israel). Columbia Pictures is expecting to release the film adaptation early next year.
Facts about the Fort Hood massacre are scarce due to army embarrassment. With two large-clip pistols in hand, whether or not he needed to reload is unclear. Current reports indicate that the shooter is wounded but alive and is able but unwilling to cooperate with the investigation.
While 13 victims is not a high score, it is a new high score at the nightmare difficulty level of own goals on a military base. The bad guys on this level had infinite ammo (no guns though) as well as nearly infinite men and the largest cache of armored vehicles in the continental US. The major is also believed to have received an expert marksman mark in bootcamp at Fort Bragg.
Game over, "Major Hasan": not just a traitor but you don't even get your 72 virgin boys to butt-fuck in hell 'cos you were too much of a pussy to off yourself. His final slugging average as of the 5th of November is 13/38, far short of Cho's 31/29 on easy mode.
The Dichotomy Of Nidal Malik Hasan
The United States Army Officer
Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan was the army psychiatrist who benefited from affirmative action in a huge way then balked at the idea of being sent to Goatfuckistan. He balked so hard, he had to shoot 13 fellow soldiers to death and grievously wounded 38 other suckers in a speedy shoot-out on November 5, 2009 at the Fort Hood Army Base in Killeen, Texas (named after Dolly Parton's classic song "Killeen, Killeen, Killeen, Killeen, I'm begging of you, please don't kill my man").
Was he just a seriously disgruntled Philadelphia Phillies fan, maddened by the inferior efforts of his team to obtain a second World Series title?
Early reports on MSNBC claimed that Major Hasan attended Virginia Tech. Between Michael Vick, Cho, and this, that's strike three. Encyclopedia Dramatica would like to salute Virginia Tech for its dramatocratic productivity.
Hasan was also known for being pissed off at other Muslims for not being devout enough while he regularly attended Texas strip clubs.
The Psychiatric Doctor
Hasan is a psychiatrist and spent his days surrounded by people who might seem just as likely to shoot up a military base or college campus as he is if we could only forget his affiliations. Some internet detectives found his doctor review page. Unsurprisingly, his ratings were complete shit. His last client was also being deployed to Iraq, making Hasan super emo, and posted this comment on the same day that Hasan became a legend:
—Pvt J. Hammond
This proves that saying "mean things" on the internet is a life or death situation.
|Kill count:||14/20 (injured 32)|
|Accuracy:||20/20 The military training really paid off..!|
|Style:||16/20 You have balls of steel.|
Shot up the biggest Military Base in America!
|Total score: 86/100 (B)|
Only a day after Hasan's lulzy trollfest, a devout Yankees fan took things in to his own hands. His name was Jason Rodriguez and as an attempt to one-up his Philadelphian counterpart, he started shooting some former co-workers in an office building in Orlando. JROD's victims were so much fewer than Fort Hood's that he didn't even attempt to kill himself or confront police. That's right, he just walked away and no one had any idea where he went. He was eventually brought in to custody a few hours later. In any case, the world series of killing people appears to be going to game 3.
Just after the tragic shootings occurred, President Obama was notified by his press corps. Here is a brief synopsis of his reaction:
The Moar You Know: Hajj Edition
- The police officer who put four holes in his bomb tossing ass was a SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, the worst kind of single, white female. Take that you bomb-tossing, wife-beating pork fuckers. Allah is ashamed!
- The bitch who shot him used SWAT hax to raise her accuracy.
- He killed 13 and injured 38 at an army base in only 3 minutes.
- He's a psychiatrist. In b4 Scientology complaining, as gun control faggots shouldn't be able to touch this one.
- He fucking survived, GO ARMY!
- Turning Albert Camus' words about the stranger killing an Arab on their head, Hasan made himself into an Arab stranger killing a lot of his comrades for no good reason.
- M. Night Shyamalan has already acquired the movie rights. What a twist!
- He should have been psyched about going "home" on deployment, join up with the folks back home and all, but ...
- He was butthurt that Black Jesus isn't pulling troops out of Durkadurkastan.
- He was seen giving away Qur'ans, furniture, and blowjobs on the morning of the spree.
- He used the Last Stand perk to try and kill the cop that took him down.
- He was brought down by a girl. For a jihadi like Hasan, that's like getting pwned by a goomba in Mario.
- He had Phillies in 7, so instead he put 13 in heaven.
In April 2014 a boricua named Ivan Lopez, who was upset that he couldn't get administrative leave, brandished a 45 cal pistol to let everyone know how badly he wanted to go home. He was granted his wish to leave forever after he killed three officers and then put a bullet through his own head, an heroing in the face of danger as he was being shot at by other armed officers. Having served in the Puerto Rican National Guard, he was skilled in extremely poor aim and showcased this with 3 kills vs 16 wounded, a far cry from what the sandnigger pulled off. Ivan had purchased the weapons from the exact same store as Hasan, so if you are ever interesting in opening fire on a military complex there is no better choice than Guns Galore in Killeen, Texas for all your spree killing needs.
- I Am In Your Base Killing Your D00ds
- VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
- A challenger appears
- Virginia Tech
- Killhamster - Once denied sale of a slurpee to.
- Dangerdan - Possible son?
Fort Hood is part of a series on
|Featured article November 6, 2009|
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