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    Flat Earth Society

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    File:Factcat seal of approval.gif This page relies entirely on facts.
    Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings.
    Sorry for the lack of dick jokes.


    There is no belief so retarded that people won't accept it as the truth. Some people believe God created the world in six days, some people believe the nazis created a secret base on the moon, some people believe the world is run by lizards wearing human suits. Some believe even more absurd things. But surely, in the age of the telescope, the moon landing, and satellites, nobody could possibly believe that the world is flat. Right? Wrong.

    The Flat Earth Society

    This is what Flat Earth theorists actually think the world looks like.
    Rightly wishing to dispel notions regarding the alleged citrus-like shape of our planet, the Church was able to either silence or execute nearly all the fanatics. But a small handful remained, continuing to spread their blasphemous speeches and to promote their heretical ideals involving the very center of the universe. One of their number, who called himself Grigori Efimovich, would later be known to the rest of the world as Christopher Columbus. Using an elaborate setup involving hundreds of mirrors and a few burlap sacks, he was able to create an illusion so convincing that it was actually believed he had sailed around the entire planet and landed in the West Indies. As we now know, he did not. What Efimovich actually did was sail across the Atlantic Ocean to a previously undiscovered continent, North America, and even then only to a small island off the coast. It took him several years more even to "discover" his blunder and claim it as a " . . . new world". But the damage had already been done, and mankind entered into what we now call its "Dark Ages" . . . .


    —W to the A to the T

    The Flat Earth Society is what happens when Alex Jones starts a reverse Alaskan Pipeline, but instead of finishing it in the usual manner, uses its product as a sound and proceeds to give violent buttsecks to Gene Ray. The inevitable reaction is one of horror and mirth - the former for Ray, and the latter for Jones as he laughed all the way to the World Fingerprint Bank: happy at the unimaginably humiliating pwnage done by him and also at learning that in comparison to the resulting Mpreg/offspring he is perfectly normal.

    To briefly describe Ray's relation to the Flat Earth Society, his group of kooks says the earth is cubed; the other says the earth is a sort-of-flat cylindrical shape with a huge ice wall around it that prevents all the water from running off the planet. They both think "Round-Earthers" (AKA: people not on a steady diet of Prozac) are inbred hillbillies when they've obviously never pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to fly anywhere except to an Art Bell book signing. As proof of this; and despite what these people may think, it was not Columbus but that souvlaki-eating colon-cleansing sheep rimmer Aristotle who first proclaimed the world was round.

    It is essentially Scientology minus the Nazi undertones. Their pseudo-intellectualism is that to rival greenfags. They claim to be seekers of truth and leaders of science, all of which is backed on somebook called Earth Not a Globe, which is written by some doctor named Rowbotham. Yet their discoveries include that moonlight is dangerous and that Australia doesn't actually exist. They make Scilons look like geniuses. After reading the FAQ, you are 100% guaranteed to rage.

    The group's sole purpose is to label billions of people as hopeless retards for not flunking geography class, while at the same time claiming that all they want is polite and reasoned debate. Because—of course—all conspiracy theorists have open minds and are perfectly willing to evaluate a position without dismissing its adherents as being stupid, bought off by the government, the military-industrial complex, or by some other "Big" organization libfags have been crying about for just a little longer than the past 90 centuries.

    If their beliefs weren't so readily recognizable as a joke, they could be epic RL trolls. The official website has been reinfected with RAIDS by Anonymous and Flat Earth trolls alike so many time that now its just trolls trolling trolls trolling trolls trolling retards that think the earth is flat. However, Some of the longer members have dedicated their careers to Flat Earth research and bringing out the truth of the conspiracy, thus proving that they have no lives.

    Statement of Belief

    Flat Earthers believe that:

    • The sun and the moon are not only the same size but anywhere from seven hundred to a few thousand miles away from the earth;
    • Other celestial bodies (i.e. the sun and moon) are spheres. The earth is not;
    • The earth does not orbit anything. It remains stationary;
    • NASA and all the world's governments are involved in a conspiracy to portray the earth as round;
    • The International Space Station does not exist because the earth goes on forever;
    • Space is full of ether, in raging cockhard gutterspite of the above;
    • Man has never been to the moon, therefore the moon landing was a fake.
    • Antarctica surrounds the entire planet and acts as an ice wall to prevent water from escaping;
    • The North Pole is the center of the earth;
    • The South Pole is the earth's circumference;
    • There is no proof that the earth is round;
    • Since the earth appears flat from ground level, the entire planet must be flat;

    Concepts of Flat Earth Theory

    Gravity explained.

    Universal Accelerator:

    As apposed to gravity, they believe that the earth is accelerating at g upwards through space (double nigger speed). As to what is actually causing this, the force is unknown. Theories vary between dark matter, turtles, and the almighty hand of Jebus.

    Bendy Light:

    In place of sanity, the FE'er brain has been gifted with the ability to create a counter argument for things like why ships sink beneath the horizon. They claim that light bends upwards in such a manner to make the earth appear round.

    The Conspiracy:

    A long time ago, the government at some point decided that they would fool the rest of the world into thinking that the earth was round for profit. So NASA and government agencies have fooled billions of people by fabricating space missions and concepts of science related to the spherical shape of the world. Acts of the conspiracy include surrounding the antarctic ice wall with snipers, training attack birds to deter people who know the "truth", and genetically engineering fish to pull large boats.


    The Society first started out from a group of psuedo-scientific philosophers who called themselves Zetetic thinkers. Much like how Scientology started from Dianetics. The principals of Zeteticism are that to answer a question, one should pull all the information around them, and logically arrange them to create a theory. No real evidence is needed, god forbid they actually do experiments with the scientific community. This is the underlying concept that allows FE'ers to become God Tier trolls, as they can claim that there Zetetic meditations have led them to the undeniable flatness of the world.

    The "Evidence"

    "If the world was really flat, what would happen if you jump off the disc's edge?"
    A1: In the general model, you would become directly affected by Dark Energy as the earth is, creating the illusion that you are standing next to the earth.


    —And they say space travel costs lots of money...

    Q: "What about Lunar Eclipses?"
    A: A celestial body, known as the antimoon, passes between the sun and moon. This projects a shadow upon the moon.


    —The anti-moon: what NASA doesn't want you to know about.

    Questions the FES has yet to answer

    • Why can everyone south of the equator see the exact same stars rotating in the same direction around the same fixed central point in the sky due south of them, if they're supposedly all looking in different directions?
    • Why are the distances between degrees of latitude uniform and don't grow exponentially away from the equator?
    • Why does everyone on Earth get the same result for the Eratosthenes experiment, when people nearer the equator should get a much smaller circumference for the Earth than those nearer the poles?
    • Come to that, was Eratostenes part of the "round Earth" conspiracy?
    • And don't surviving records show that the ancient Egyptians and Mesopotamians based their astronomical forecasts on calculations assuming the Earth is a globe? Did this conspiracy begin at the dawn of civilisation, or are all such ancient artefacts nothing but Victorian forgeries, and if so why has this never been detected by modern carbon-dating techniques?
    • Why do arc lengths of given angles of longitude decrease rather than increase south of the equator?
    • Why does the sun not rise in the northeast and set in the northwest all year around for everyone on Earth?
    • Why does the sun set, when the law of perspective states that the angular size of the sun's altitude, like everything else, can't become negative?
    • Why does the sun's angular size not change throughout the day or year, since it is "moving towards and away from us" and is "closer than we're told"?
    • Seriously, did you fall asleep during geometry class, or are you just completely demented?
    • If you believe in zeteticism, why do you keep relying on magical and unprovable solutions, which can't be shown to exist with your own eyes and clearly don't exist at all? Apparently, zeteticism is just code for "make any old bullshit up and pretend it's true".
    • If photographs of a round Earth are a hoax, why not simply create photographs of a flat Earth?
    • A property of mass is that it has a gravitational force regardless of size. If the earth did not have a gravitational field, wouldn't that imply that the earth doesn't physically exist?
    • Where is the Amundsen–Scott South Pole Station located if the south pole is the circumference of the Earth?
    • Wouldn't creating such elaborate fakes and conspiracies cost an equal if not greater amount of money than the science they are supposedly covering up?
    • The idea of the Earth as a sphere has existed since the time of the ancient Greeks, long before NASA. What possible financial motive did they have?
    • What financial motives could NASA have?
    • How could the sun be a spotlight if it is a sphere?
    • On the flat Earth the light projection would have to be a semi circle.
    • Why the North Star goes to the horizon.
    • Why do constellations appear to be different in the Southern and Northern hemispheres?
    • Why is the Coriolis effect stronger near both poles, instead of stronger in the north and weaker in the south.
    • If the circumferential south pole is preventing the oceans from pouring over the edge of the flat Earth, why didn't the oceans disappear during the incredible amount of time it would have taken for that ice to form?
    • If the oceans would pour off the edge of the flat Earth if they could, where would they go? Does this mean that whatever keeps the oceans on the surface of the flat Earth only operates in a downward direction on the uppermost surface and is absent on the underneath?
    • Why are Satellites visible from Earth with a pair of Binoculars?
    • How could a flat body maintain an atmosphere?
    • Why are other celestial bodies spheres but the earth is not? How, and why, was the earth created differently?
    • WTF?
    • Seriously, WTF?
    • Why did you fail Physics in high school?
    • Why gravity changes with altitude.
    • Why it doesn't take longer to fly within the southern hemisphere.
    • How Zeteticism is better than science, if it has produced 0 contributions to society.
    • Why they have no friends.

    FES And Religion

    Not to be outdone by neo-Nazis, fagtivists, and Oprah Winfrey, the good folks at the Failed Epically Society enjoy looking at the Bible through their own twisted lens and presenting the resultant mess as literalist truth. However, and in reality, the Bible was translated at least 100 times; the word "corners" in the King James version means something entirely different in Jewbrew, meaning the members of the FES have about as much knowledge of linguistics as an Ebonics-speaking crack baby typing random letters into Babelfish. Heck, even Franklin Graham would slap them silly if he wasn't too busy receiving the adoration of countless Burmese orphans!

    Boko Haram's founder, Mohammed Yusuf, has also expressed that he believes the Earth is flat - so, they're in great company, then....

    Wait - What ... ?

    If Flat Earth theorists were simply fundamentalist creationists, like all sensible people we would simply point at them and laugh. But confusingly the majority of the FES members are actually atheists. Why? We can only conclude that atheists will not stop until they have beaten theists at everything they are good at—including being complete fucktards.

    None of this, of course, matters to the numb-nut legion of the Rational Response Squad, who consider the FES to be iconic of your everyday Christfag. But, according to the admission of the FES' own members, most of them are atheists. Oh, teh ironies.

    Lulzy Quotes

    NOTE: These are genuine. No amount of trolling could make them any funnier.

    "Moses was a flat-earther," he reveals. "The Flat Earth Society was founded in 1492 B.C., when Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt and gave them the Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai."


    And I assume the Greeks invented democracy in the year 1776 B.C. too?

    We do not want members who are stupid, mindless, brute beasts with two feet whose only aim is to scoff or in some way 'harm' our work


    What was that about "polite and reasoned" again?

    Nuclear weapons do not exist


    Those pictures from Hiroshima are fake too.

    Things are not built of atoms as atoms are merely a false theory.
    Matter is composed of elements. I would think we would at least agree on that.



    —From somebody who has no idea what elements are made of.

    Can you prove that atoms even exist?


    —Guess not.

    Indeed, time, as the entity that we have made it (i.e. seconds, minutes, hours), does not exist. Time, however, does exist. To be fair, feet, yards, meters, et cetera don't really exist either. They're just shit we made up to make life easier. Same with the "time" we created. Granted the latter is more complex since it's not really physical, per se, and we had to make it physical in order for it to make sense. Still, it's the same deal. I'm pretty sure I didn't need that long-ass post to tell me that, though.


    —We can safely assume that Flat Earth theorists don't believe anything exists.




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