First World Problems

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Nobody knows the troubles I've seen...

First world problems is a phrase used to belittle the suffering that first world citizens have to face on a daily basis. It's based on the premise that the third world is such a terrible place that first world problems are trivial when contrasted with the alleged daily trials that third world denizens face. This practice originated with mothers who would coax children in to eating shitty food through the argument that third world kids would be grateful for even a sniff of the culinary disaster you've been shuffling around your plate for the past hour.

The Third World And Liberal Misconceptions

This fallacy is rooted in the misconception that the third world is a grim and miserable place, so let's address some of the claims made by liberal media.

The Third World Is Hella Violent

Children in Africa will play a part in the political process from a very young age.

Not true, and this is based on a lack of cultural understanding. Although rape, torture, mutilation, murder and civil war are all terrible things in the west, in Africa and the Middle East it's been a consistent part of their culture since time immemorial. The biggest mistake the western colonial powers made was in trying to suppress these natural needs for strife and violence. Anyone who has seen Spanish or Italian women in conversation could be mistaken for thinking that they're arguing and on the verge of violence when in reality they're simply passionate and using languages far more emotive than English can be. The same is true of Africans who run around shooting anything they can't rape, and in cases of things that can be raped, they'll be shot anyway before or after being raped.

The Middle East is generally perceived as being a shit hole of violence and despair, populated almost entirely by suicidal nut jobs, fighting because they can't decide who is correctly interpreting the wishes of their invisible friend. But again, this is untrue. The Middle East is a vibrant and exotic part of the world, blessed with not one but three major religions, and various minor ones.

The Third World Is Poor

I just paid three dollars for a barely chilled bottle of Evian, and this kid's getting his bottle for free? Fuck you Bono!

A quick review of the CIA Fact Book reveals the cost of living in third world countries to be far lower than in the west. A miner in the congo can live on a salary of less than five dollars per day - just try doing that in Dayton, Ohio. The average American has little to no savings and a shit load of debt. Contrast this with Zimbabweans, where their government in 2009 had to print 1 trillion Zimbabwean Dollar banknotes because people had so much money! Think you're doing well pulling down 50k in the IT industry? Some grilled lizard seller by a roadside in Zimbabwe has a stack of those trillion Zimbabwean Dollar notes in his back pocket, and your net worth is south of 0.

Government And Medical Care Are Disorganized And Of Poor Quality

Barack Obama's efforts to roll-out universal healthcare pale in comparison to the work of the Gambia's president (for life), Yahya Jammeh, who in 2007 announced that he had personally discovered the cure to AIDS. He did so with the equivalent of a high school diploma and gave an almighty middle finger to the rest of the medical professionals around the world. Even in 2012 AIDS sufferers in America still do not have access to a cure, and this individual is curing it with a bunch of herbs! As well as AIDS, Jammeh's herbs can also cure asthma - a chronic condition that western medicine can alleviate but not cure. To add to Jammeh's work, other African scientists found that AIDS can be cured through sex with virgins.

African countries enjoy far more political stability than the west. The Gambia's Yahya Jammeh is a picture of stability, having been in office since 1994. By contrast, no American president has served more than twelve years in office. This is largely due to western democracies and their distrust of the electorate.

The standard approach to elections in Africa and the Middle East is to assume that voters who got it right the first time do not need to be asked again every every few years, particularly when a candidate received upwards of 100% of the popular vote. Zimbabweans elected Robert Mugabe to be their President For Life, and since 1987 have enjoyed unprecedented freedom from decision making, rude health and financial success. Given such a paradise, is it unreasonable for Mugabe to be passionate when defending his presidency?

Religious Conflict Is Rampant

To western eyes this appears provocative and violent, but only when taken out of context.

As evidenced by the red states of America, strong religious belief and its involvement in government is always a positive thing. Third world countries are practically infested with strong religious belief, and as to be expected from religions claiming divine wisdom, adherents of differing creeds live in peace and enjoy spirited debate. For an outsider it may appear as if all sides, some of which claiming to belong to the same religion, are engaged in civil war and campaigns of murderous terror. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In the third world, bombings and machete massacres are broadly comparable to the cheerful rancor seen at western sporting events.

File:1277583750586.jpg
Canadian hockey fans lead the way towards western adoption of third world conflict resolution strategies.

Doesn't it hurt to be shot, mutilated or raped? Sure, if you're a westerner raised to feel that way. In the third world people don't feel pain or suffering as we in the west do, because they're stronger. A western woman having her genitals trimmed and sewn shut would suffer greatly, while in Muslim countries this is nothing more than a formality that marks their entry in to womanhood. If it's so bad then why do so many women in these countries support it?

Women Are Treated Poorly

A "liberated" western woman. Does she look happy?

Nothing could be further from the truth. Women in third world countries are just as important as men, only men are in charge and are more important. Western women have a dizzying number of responsibilities and distractions that prevent them from enjoying life. To illustrate this, the following section applies third world answers to first world womens' issues:

How do I balance a career with being a mother?

You will have no career. Your husband shall provide for you, and you will honor your family by being a good wife.

I enjoy sex, is that wrong?

Yes, and you wouldn't be in this situation if your parents had circumcised you.

I'm 18 and my boyfriend Is A deadbeat, spending most of his time playing video games and reading anime. Why is he so neglectful of me?

You expect him to respect a whore? In my country you would have been married long ago, to a suitable cousin of your father's choosing. You are ruined and have brought shame upon your family.

My husband beats me.

And the problem being?

Republican attacks on women's reproductive freedom worry me, but I don't agree with Obama's socialist agenda. Who should get my vote?

This is a decision for men. Why is dinner not ready?

There are too many Damsels in Distress in video games. This needs to stop!

You're a grown up now. Games are for kids.

Examples Of First World Problems

Examples Of Third World Problems

  • Being lectured to and bothered by westerners
  • Finding food and water
  • Living
  • Becoming a child soldier for KONY 2012
  • Becoming a child prostitute for White Devils
  • Getting bombed to smithereens by Jews
  • Malaria
  • Cholera
  • Ebola
  • Zika
  • Schistosomiasis
  • Sharjah Ruler
  • AIDS
  • Blood Diamonds
  • Being a 3 year old virgin girl and getting raped because some dumb nigger thinks fucking a virgin will cure the AIDS.
  • Getting sold at 6 years old to a whore house.
  • Being born a girl in China and getting rice paddy stomped.
  • Bomb vests never being in the size or color you want.

Gallery Of Guilt

Third world is best world! About missing Pics
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See Also

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Featured article July 30 & 31, 2012
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First World Problems Succeeded by
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