England needs a Dental Plan!
A message from the American Dental Association
England, Engerland, Merry Olde England, Albion, North France, Airstrip One, Englandistan, Inkland, Britfagland, America's Bitch, Engayland, Britshits, Middle East Jr., US Aircraft Carrier, Crumpetville, Fatland, Scotlands arse, Wales' Abusive Spouse, Tea-and-Crumpet-land, Bongistan or New Pakistan is the largest and the most inbred country within the United Kingdom. (See Wales for above average inbreeding within the United Kingdom).
- 1 Geography
- 2 History
- 3 Climate
- 4 Culture
- 5 Multiculturalism
- 6 Language
- 7 Indigenous ethnic minorities
- 8 Industry
- 9 Military
- 10 Physical Anomalies
- 11 English Humo(u)r
- 12 English Television
- 13 Guide To Being English
- 14 People from England
- 15 English Inventions
- 16 Places of Interest
- 17 Trolling the English
- 18 Gallery of England
- 19 See also
- 20 External Links
England occupies the South-Eastern portion of the British Isles. It begins south of where it is considered for maybe half of the days of the year to be "quiet mild". The South-East of the South-East, particularly Kent, can be considered "pleasant" even, but let's not get too cocky as the whole area is indiscriminately faggged by rainy weather all over. Unfortunately (for the English) England shares land borders with alcoholic free-loaders to the north and inbred sheep shaggers to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west and the North Sea to the east, with the English Channel to the south separating it from continental Europe. Most of England comprises the central and southern part of the island of Great Britain in the North Atlantic. The country also includes at least 100 smaller islands such as the Isles of Scilly and the Isle of Wight.
Recent studies on the Human Genetic background of the British Isles has revealed that 90%> of the islands' population is homogeneous and descends from the same group of Ice Age Anatolians who made their way to the semi-defrosted archipelago via Yugoslavia and Spain. This instinctively obvious fact is made apparent in the election of a Turkish as Patron Saint. The hunting gatherer islanders were eventually taught farming and distilling but they could never achieve political union or form less than seven fiefdoms competing for only part of the Island. England was therefore subsequently invaded by superior peoples like the Italians, Danes and even by the retarded bastard children of Norwegian plunderers in France. The winners established the Crown and Aristocracy and imbued in their subjects a deep inferiority complex. After generations of mostly incest, but some intermarriage too, the mostly inbred Yugoslavian-Spanish population developed an "English National Identity" by confusing their own inbred bloodlines with that of the Continental Aristocracy that ruled the land. This mythology is central to all self-respecting English families and is the root for the English projected genocidal hatred on the Irish who are genetically the same as them. This also explains why the English immediately migrate to Spain as soon as they can buy their freedom from their Germanic Queen and her Jewish handlers in The City.
Being English is a choice much like being Gay:
—Prince Charles to Queen Elizabeth
—Prince Charle's admission is why the tampon was renamed a British teabag
The English weather is a popular talking point amongst those that have not got anything better to do such as old biddies and homosexuals. On the rare occasions that temperatures rise above 21 °C (70 °F), the English take to the streets in order to burn themselves beyond recognition and comment endlessly on how mild the weather is these days.
What the rest of the world thinks English culture is like:
Football (also known as Soccer in backwards countries) is the national sport of England. It is a dirt cheap sport made popular the world over by European colonialism and the crushing poverty brought on by said colonialism. In this child's sport, a man with a faggy haircut running 10 kilometers in 90 minutes while tripping over chalk lines and miming injuries is considered to be the height of athleticism and machismo. In the original rules of Football, hands were allowed to be used, however, competitors complained that this left little time to fondle and stroke each other's genitals and so the use of the upper limbs was banned. English football fans are world renown for their ability to smash shop windows, trash parked cars, set fire to police officers and beat twenty shades of shit out of each other before and after football matches. More recently they are known for watching their country finish a team of nigger fucktards in group play during the World Cup. Ouch.
Rick and Roll!
Dogging is an English euphemism for fucking in a semi-public place (typically a secluded car in a car park) and then squirting your dirt watching others doing so. Frequently, there are more than two participants; both group sex and gang banging can be included. As observation is encouraged, voyeurism and exhibitionism are closely associated with dogging. The two sets of people involved often meet either randomly or arrange to meet-up beforehand over the Internet.
A typical English cum-soaked cock-jockey:
Englandistan is a melting pot of people from many ethnic backgrounds. In England, people from different cultures celebrate their differences by shitting in each others gardens, throwing bricks through eachother's windows, smashing broken bottles over eachother's heads, raping eachother's children and stealing eachother's personal belongings.
Do's and Don't's in Englandistan
The English are most recognizable for speaking in any one of their hyper-specialised accents, the most notable being Cockney, Low-bred and Pompous Jackass. Cockney (lol, cocks) is probably the only one worth elaborating on, as it is the most specialized. English sound like a gay baukkake of elephants with down syndrome are having a kinky orgy. The first thing a Cockney speaker will do is replace every "t" with an apostrophe (e.g. apostrophe -> apos'rophe; planetarium -> plane'arium). Instead of placing the tip of the tongue against the hard palate like normalfags do, a Cockney speaker uses the diaphragm to force air through the throat while simultaneously jamming the epiglottis flap over the bronchial tubes. The resulting sound is made deep in the throat utilizing the epiglottis and treating the vocal folds as the threshold of the lungs. The exception to this rule of course happens when that "t" is at the end of a word such as is found in the ever-present ancillary contraction, "innit". The second unique feature of Cockney is that it uses rhyming slang which is more long-winded than the word for which it is being substituted. For instance, instead of saying "stairs" a cockney speaker would say "apples and pears". 
Americans acknowledge two British accents; cockney and posh.
Don't forget Scouse, which sounds somewhat familiar to a dog trying to talk round a mouthful of David Cameron's cum-stained dick. It is spoken in Liverpool, with imitators in Skelmersdale, Wigan, and Ormskirk. All of these towns are notable shitholes not worth the price of dropping a bomb on them.
Indigenous ethnic minorities
The name of the always high-standing inhabitants of the downright luxurious East End of London. Cockneys speak a language with a distinctive sound which is the result of them constantly choking on their own tongue with each vowel they try to produce. Cockneys often claim that they're bloody English unknowing that probably 30% of their genetic markers is Jewish, another 30% Irish supplemented with 5% gypsy and that leaves them about 35% of real English ancestry which really isn't enough to describe themselves as bloody English.
A name given to the proud inhabitants of the glorious city of Liverpool. They often boast that they are 100% NOT English, which is only partly true. While it's true that they in part descended from Welsh savages ( even those pussies had criminals once) and Irish bully victims, they can still trace 50% of their lineage back to what were the Anglo-Saxon forebears of modern day child rapists. That makes them -to their own disgust- ethnically even more English than the Cockneys. Scousers also produce an insanely irritating noise known as 'Scouse'. Hard to explain in words what the language actually sounds like, but I guess the sound of a Viking cornholing a monkey is the closest thing to the Scouse language. Maybe that's also that reason the synonym for Scouser is Northern Monkey.
Probably the only people living in England that -if you exclude the inevitable Irish immigrants- can really trace their ancestry to Anglo-Saxon clans, which isn't really a compliment since the Anglo-Saxons were the genious inventors of 'blood feuds' ( a cultural pastime activity which can entertain not only one but TWO entire families ! Fun times !). A Geordie will very often say that the city of Newcastle is so much better than London or Liverpool, when in reality it's just as shitty. A distinct trait of Geordies is that they always sound like cavemen, whether they're being friendly or not. That's also the reason why not one tourist ever goes to Newcastle, something the proud Geordies don't understand.
Despite their mutual hate for each other Cockneys, Scousers and Geordies share some of the same hobbies. These include robbing banks, producing and exporting MDMA, bringing in cocaine and heroin, torturing rivals and extorting the same pubs they go for a pint every day. Since all three of them are ambitious people they have conducted these activities beyond English borders into the rest of Western Europe. One could say that Mancs are also a distinct ethnic group, but since about 95% of Mancs are in fact Irish immigrants we'll just ignore them.
The primary exports of England consist of tea, sodomy and faulty appliances. In recent years, a smaller but no less profitable market has arisen in the form of alcoholic expatriates, who are routinely shipped to pubs around the globe where they attempt to inform all within earshot how much better Manchester is than their pleasant, rural fishing village.
England has one of the worst military in the world. This is likely due to the high IQ among the people, and the fact that 99% of Britfags don't even know what a gun is. The British military is famous for the amount of homosexuality among the army, navy, and air force alike , also they shot down a Russian jet by accident and Russia didn't go tits up about it
Throughout history, the British Empire has made fucking retarded fails, such as losing a small colony of themselves over a clearly one-sided war. They lost the game (one that even Nigeria could have easily won) due to having gay orgies in the middle of the battlefield, allowing Americunts to kill all of them with a single musket round.
Around 40 years later, they were defeated again by the Americunts in The War of 1812. This war was essentially a copypasta of the American Revolution. Britain made the same mistakes as before, demonstrating a large amount of DERP among the British military.
And 100 years later, in WW1, they made the same mistake of having sweaty oral sex in the middle of the battlefield, proving that Britfags do not learn.
The English are asymmetrical along the body, meaning that the left part is not a mirror image of the right. They do not have hardened exoskeletons which results in horrible skin conditions. They breathe via their lungs through their permanently flared nostrils.
English bodies can be classified into three major parts: head, abdomen and limbs. The limbs, one pair each of legs and arms, attach directly to the head.
The Queen is responsible for laying the thousands of eggs required for replacing workers lost in Iraq. The number of males is generally low because only one male (ubiquitously named Steve) is needed for the entire reproductive process. Despite this, all English people, regardless of sex, are referred to as Englishmen. This is probably due to the fact that all Limey females appear to be male.
English males have absurdly curved penises. This has resulted in the banning of Englishmen from babysitting duties in France, Poland, and The United States of America due to vaginal and anal hookings.
English women are famous throughout the world for their fried-chicken scented pussies and gravy scented poo pipes. For this reason, niggers are banned from touching English women. Entry into an English female can only be achieved with the aid of a dragon or an elfin password.
Contrary to what most people believe, the English do not bite. They use their jaws to anchor themselves and then, using their strong mandibles, attach themselves to their food and tear at it with their limbs.
English children are unisex until the age of 15 when they are sprinkled with the queen's fart dust and buried beneath Stonehenge for a fortnight. This process is knows as "Kimping the Wonksey" and ranks among the most hallowed of the world's coming of age rituals.
A typical English child. Please note the fucktarded teeth and the fact that he should have been an abortion:
The English are among the most cheerful and humo(u)rous people in the world. When in England and among the English, whether you'll find yourself robbed, bum-fucked, cheated, scammed, abused, insulted, knifed in the back on the London subway ('the toob'), or encouraged to commit suicide by them, you can be certain that in every such situation, you will hear many a merry chuckle and amusing jokes and witticisms, spoken in a variety of hilarious English accents.
Recent research by English scientists has discovered large amounts of a physical phenomenon called "suck" emanating from English Television. English citizens (or people unlucky enough to be in England) must watch one of many channels named with the "BBC (X)" naming convention. If you don't like what's on BBC 1, turn it to BBC 2; they'll have something that definitely is not about redecorating a house or a room therein.
English scientists also learned how to pipe this Vortex of Suck to the USA. The average Dish Network or DirecTV now has an extra channel to skip over in search of mediocre soft core Cable porn or SpongeBob Squarepants. Fortunately, the pipes are a bit leaky, or else Americans would be seeing shit like Little Britain, but are still strong enough to contain the win that is Top Gear.
Channel 4 is another television channel in England where it's main shows are about freaks and filming freaks 24/7. They also air the British version of Big Brother. To become a house mate on Big Brother you must either have the biggest breasts for miles, claim to be a gay or have sucked cock for money. Fucktards are also welcome, and if you have all three qualities you are likely to be jumped and put in the house by force.
The most popular TV show in England is "Rainbow", which teaches young English viewers the importance of taking their twangers out and banging with them, playing each other's pipes, plucking away and playing with their balls. Srsly, watch it here.
Special Note: English comedian Hugh Laurie actually trolled American TV by pretending to be an Americunt and getting a part on the famous Sci-Fi show House MD. He was subsequently charged for his crime of defecting to the filthy, Amerykanz and brought back to England via a Vauxhall Saturn car (We don't want your stinking, good quality foreign cars, Johnny Foreigner--we'll stick to our shitty, outdated ones). (Although, moar hilariously, the English are too dumb to know that the 100% British Vauxhall cars are actually shittier versions of the German Opel models, only with a different badge and the steering wheel moved to the wrong side. But HA! In a twist of fate Opel is owned by GM, therefore making all of that irrelevant!)
Guide To Being English
People from England
Places of Interest
Trolling the English
Gallery of England